if i live past 27...

just an insecure writer/poet dumping all my writings and thoughts here I wanna publish a book one day so pls don't steal my work

[twentysevensighs]

How do I feel?

Detached and frustrated

Am I crazy? Am I bad? I feel so bad.

Do I have a heart? Do I have a soul?

My empathy fluctuates

Lack of emotion, lack of control

There is no excuse

I am good. I am good. I swear I am not bad.

I love and I love and I love.

I care and I love and I try.

I have no answers

I am sorry for my anger

I am sorry for when I cannot catch myself in time

Please believe me

I am good. I am love. I am here.

Am I really crazy? Am I really bad?

Sick. I am just sick. So very ill. Please understand.

Don't leave me.

I am ill. I am ill. I am ill. I am trying.

I am still here.

Please let me still be here.

[twentysevensighs]

I told her I didn't remember

our weekend

the meals

the moments

the I love yous

have I caused her pain or anger?

is she saddened by my lack of presence?

my thoughts intrude yet feeling remains numb

she then gives me kindness

tells me it's okay

it's okay

she remembers

she is present

we will re-live the moments again

when I come back

I will touch the ground

[twentysevensighs]

the lines blur

between sunset and sunrise

the bed knows my shape

memory has failed

i gave into the night

bitter and hot

familiar and comforting

weakness and desperation

I have become my past again

[twentysevensighs]

every heart beat feels like another bruise

my purple knuckles show anger has won, just barely

uncontrolled breaths mixed with hatred and malice

will I give in and become just like them?

inheriting their abuse and so close to becoming their mirror

my self control wavers more than my breaths

mentally I am numbed

physically I feel myself inch closer to the same violence that broke us

I debate if it would be justice or revenge

am I breaking the cycle or repeating it?

I am not so small anymore

this rage runs in my blood

[twentysevensighs]

skimming through old journal entries

am I feeling empty or alone

reading about the girls who I struggle to remember

their faces, names, and feelings all blur into timelines

which parts were me and which parts were daydreaming?

was I the lesson or distraction?

was I never the lover?

I was merely an experience

[twentysevensighs]

"just a lil more"

"i know you want it"

the only words i remember other than my repeated pleas of

"stop" and

"i have to go"

i feel tainted

my body is merely a shell

[twentysevensighs]

how do I feel

am I being honest or am I trying to control a reaction

I feel broken

my brain has short circuited and my heart is drowned out

I do not want to exist

All I am meant to be is a fading memory

[twentysevensighs]

have I really moved on?

I believe so.

I cannot help how intense I feel all emotions

I am in a good place now

but those memories still make me question my worth

[twentysevensighs]

alcohol feels like sipping on nostalgia

bitter memories that feel safe

senses impaired

but still warm inside

how can I separate my memories from trauma if I cannot separate this vodka from water?

[twentysevensighs]

it is Loud.

please make It stop.

i can no longer trust my Senses.

please anything to Ease my being.

the world just tells me No.

i have shut down

[twentysevensighs]

I feel more human when I'm not sober

I start to question if I really know what's best

Maybe I should just sleep