So itâs been a while...
So last weekend I had the chance to catch up with some family who I donât get to see that often and my cousin totally called me out (Hi Peter!) for not blogging anymore. He was probably the one reader we had! And although in the back of my mind I know we hadnât blogged in a long time and havenât been as active on social media it was the first time I really thought about it.Â
So for any of you who donât know us personally, our father passed away November 25th 2015 after a battle with kidney cancer.Â
God...even just writing that a huge lump just grew in my throat and my eyes welled up.
This is why itâs been a while...this is why we have struggled to be the same people were were a year a go. This is why some days we donât have the energy to be as committed to our fitness as we were a year ago, because some says it takes all the energy we have to just make it through the work day without crying.Â
Until you lose a parent you wonât understand the hole it leaves in your heart. Even if your parent wasnât perfect, or if you didnât have the best relationship with them, Â or even if some of your memories of them arenât happy ones, they were still your parent. And now they arenât here. I understand people will say they are now always with you and can still hear you but we all know itâs not the same. He isnât here to pick up the phone when I call on my way to the gym or to give me a hug when I make him proud. Heâs not here anymore and itâs still something that has not sunk in.
I think some days even if I want to remember the good days and the funny things my Dad did, all I can do is think about the trips to the hospital and his slow decline and watching him take his last breath. THATâS what is in my head, and thatâs why I just want to cry and not function as an adult and contribute to society or take care of myself, I just want to go back and be more in the moment and not think about everyday life.Â
I have had some stints of blocking it all out and trying to focus on myself and will go hard on fitness and nutrition and then BOOM.......Â
A song comes on the radio or I see a picture of him, or I try to pick up the phone to call him and life just stops and it all comes back again....
As others have described and I would have to agree, the grief comes in waves. And some days they are little, I might just think of him briefly and wish he was here and then some days I am drowning and it takes all I have to function.Â
I know he would want us to continue chasing our dreams and accomplish great things and if anything some days I push myself to continue to make him proud, but itâs just so hard not having him here to the point where we havenât been ourselves and havenât continued to accomplish things because it hurts too much.
Itâs not that we arenât on our wellness journey anymore itâs just it has taken a major detour and as much as we want to continue, this is what we have been up against.Â
Every family moment without him has felt like a knife into my heart. Thanksgiving, Christmas, his birthday, fatherâs day, Â our birthday, family birthdays, my nephewâs t-ball games and very soon my life biggest moment I am still struggling with, my wedding.....He should be here for these things and just dealing with him not being here has taken our energy.
We do have to say that one difference in ourselves compared to when we were at our heaviest, is that we can recognize when we are off track. We both know we are emotional eaters. (not good when you are dealing with tragedy!) Â But we are able to know when we have those glasses of wine or ice cream or pizza we try not to let it continue day after day. We have our moments and then try be improve knowing we can do better. And we try not to dwell on the lapses knowing itâs part of what we are going through and beating ourselves up over it is not going to help. We would love to be those people who during stressful or sad situations the gym is our sanctuary, but itâs not. Food is comfort as that is how we grew up, so we have been trying to counteract that as much as we have been able to.
So where do we go from here??Â
Hopefully onward and upward, but we know there will be bumps along the way. We both are ready to refocus and work on ourselves after recognizing where we are now. Hoping to be able to start finding some peace soon and not feeling as lost or sad as often but know we will still have our moments and thatâs okay we will deal with them as they come. Get back into our fitness routine and do the things he knew us for and continue to make him proud.
By no means is this a cry for help or wanting sympathy from anyone, we just wanted to share whatâs been going on with us because we have shared our journey  up until now and this is part of it; dealing with life. Even when itâs hard, messy and not flattering.Â
For anyone dealing with grief we know how you feel and hope like us you can work towards trying to find peace and normalcy and know that itâs okay to be sad and donât let anyone make you feel like you should âget over itâ. Take the time you need for yourself and know what itâs not easy. And hopefully we can all start becoming ourselves again.
Hereâs to healing and inner strength.
Love you DAD..Miss you everyday
jacobvanloon
prguitarman
janainaart
annaxmalina
gummygunk