Tweed and Tyrants

A small insight into my mind.

[niclasvonschedvin-blog]

[twweeeedd]

fffffFffffFFFUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKK

[twweeeedd]

[twweeeedd]

i left my soul in amsterdam

[twweeeedd]

“where you are, is not who you are.” - circumstances by rupi kaur

[a-delightful-moment]

Carey Nershi

[a-delightful-moment]

@gisforgeorgina

[twweeeedd]

I’ve been feeling so empty recently. I’m a pro at playing a situation down and believing it’ll go away, and I admit that it normally does, but this time is different. This time doesn’t feel like I’ll wake up tomorrow and I’ll be okay. This time sorta feels like there’s a black smog hanging over me, suffocating me, draining everything I have left. Everything that I’ve worked towards over the past few years, everything I’ve done to manage these emotions, that’s all being sucked in too.

I kind of need someone to just tell me how to breathe, but I guess that’s hard when everyone else is looking for some guidance around that too. You know like how when the oxygen level drops on a plane and the masks drop down from the ceiling, you’re supposed to put your mask on first? I feel like I’m waiting for someone to help me put mine on but nobody else knows how to put their goddamn mask on either. God, I’m rambling. But hey, I’m assuming that nobody is going to see this anyway, and rambling is good for the heart. My brain is in such a mush and I feel that right now, venting is the only temporary way out.

I’m just stuck in a rut because I can’t pinpoint anything. WHY do I feel this way? WHY now? Is it from years of pretending to be okay but subconsciously repressing all of my thoughts until now? Is there a small hole in the side of my head that’s gone unnoticed and the dopamine is just leaking out? I’ve gone through this cycle at many stages of my life. That cycle is normally characterised by:

stage 1 - Acknowledgement of a pending mental breakdown.

stage 2 - Why/what/how - I CANNOT BE SAD WITHOUT AN EXPLANATION, can I? (of course I can, but I won’t let myself know that)

stage 3 - Reflection upon life. Life has been good. Great upbringing, no childhood trauma, loving friends, in a relationship, stable job.

stage 4 - Repression of emotions due to pushing myself to believe that my emotions are not valid due to stage 3.

I don’t even know what the point of this post is. I’m just trying desperately to understand my mind and my reactions to situation and how to manage my emotions, but maybe I need to focus more on the REASONS behind why I feel this shit.

[gusty]

[bandaidsfortheheart]

She asks me why I want to be a poet. I want to tell her that I don’t. I don’t know a goddamn thing about poetry. There’s just a hole through the center of my chest and it hurts. It hurts. And these aren’t poems. They are just words. Leaking. They form in the pockets of my lungs and they build until I cannot breathe. For I have always felt too many things.

Leaking, V.P. (via bandaidsfortheheart)

[somewhatsomelikepoetry]

I don’t have the fear of opening up to you because you’ll realise that I’m broken, I’m scared I’ll realise myself how broken I truely am

Broken to pieces (via somewhatsomelikepoetry)

[pinkallaround]

I want new shoes 👟