[tzotzo10]

During my first serious relationship I think I started developing trust issues. Holding onto something rotten, trying to love a person beyond your well-being is just wrong and a recipe for complete disaster. I left the relationship when it didn't mean a thing to me anymore. When all the feelings just run out and got forgotten. Even the hurtful ones. So it didn't matter anymore. But by that time I had been left scared. Too afraid to love someone else, because I knew it would end up hurting me again and I couldn't take it. But I still wanted to love that person with all my heart, no matter what I promised myself I'd love him forever under any circumstances. I still do and I'm happy about that but.. When he says that he loves me now, I can't believe him. I convince myself that he will never truly love me as a tactic of self defense. I prepare myself for heartbreak now l, so I can somewhat control the pain later. The only thing I'm actually achieving is self-sabotaging. I'm probably making him feel frustrated because I don't believe he has feelings for me. Maybe he'll get fed up at some point and leave the relationship. I'll understand him if he does. I know all that but for some reason I just can't change it. I keep telling myself that he loves me and that I should believe him, but the doubts never leave my mind. I can't accept love anymore. What's wrong with me? I don't wanna lose him. Anyone but him. Sometimes I can't help but think that I don't deserve to be loved.

[awkward-finger-guns]

YALYALLLL YALLLL YAL

MY MOM SAID IF I COULD GET 100,000 NOTES I CAN GET A DAGGER

PLEASE HELP ME

IM NOT ALLOWED TO REBLOG OR SPAM MY OWN POST SO HELP ME OUT GUSY

PLEASE I WANT A DAGGER

[unfried-mouth-wheat]

this seems like a good cause

[the-turtleduck-pond]

Time to put my blog to interesting use.

[freyjadottir87]

@tilltheendwilliwrite​ Can we help this lovely out? 

[red-gay-tree]

@bittergayvvitch

[frustratedasatruar]

So this post was originally made on September 11th 2020. I am reblogging on September 13th of the same year. At the time my computer first loaded this post it was at ten-thousand-one-hundred-and-eighty-two notes. By the time I’d scrolled down to it and chose to open it in a new tab so I could check when it was originally made, it had increased to 10,191 notes. When I noticed this as I was preparing to reblog, I reloaded the page and found that the number had reached 10,198.

What I’m sayig is that somewhere, someone’s mother is quite likely approaching the realization that they may actually be compelled to live up to their end of this little bargain.

I am now about to hit reblog, but before I do I’m reloading the page one last time. In the time it has taken me to type this, the number has reached 10,205.

[awkward-finger-guns]

were only 1/10 th of the way there but yeah, my mom is kinda scared now

[ab0masum]

Haha yeah we're getting you a dagger.

[apurplenerd-deactivated20230730]

Eh what the hell, might as well reblog

[sincerelybeans-deactivated20250]

Get that dagger hell yeah

[tzotzo10]

GO GO GO!

[tzotzo10]

I always hated rainy days. They just caused me trouble every time I had to be outside while it was raining. I never found it romantic or relaxing even just by watching it from the comfort of my own home. I love sunny weather. It always makes my mood.

But after spending one rainy afternoon with you, I learned to embrace that kind of weather too. Even if we were kinda drenched and I got cold after a while. Even if the sky had a somewhat scary colour afterwards. It felt like we were alone in the world for a moment and I fell in love with that moment. I felt satisfied, like I didn't need anything else. I felt complete and safe. I wish that moment, kissing you under those rainy skies, could last forever.

Nature's so beautiful in every form possible.

[tzotzo10]

Adventuring can be really fun.

Discovering new places and letting your eyesight drift off admiring nature's beauty while walking alongside your friends talking nonsense and laughing hard, can be really mending for the soul. Especially when the scenery is so breathtaking and relaxing at the same time. You just breath and take it all in. All the wonderful smells from the flowers, all those happy giggles echoing in your ears, all these vigorous colors the sun, clouds and sky create. Such sceneries often become pleasant memories that you can look back later in life and smile nostalgically while you're on a bus returning from a tiring day at school or work.

Days like these are way more precious than people think. Days like these, make you live a happy and fulfilled life.

[tzotzo10]

Love at first sight? I call bullshit. There is attraction at first sight, but not love. Until you sit yourself down and get to really know the other person you can't really love them, not entirely at least. It really takes time for love to develop and it's different for everyone. In order to love someone you have to experience life together. Laugh with them, make inside jokes, share interests and ideals, have fights, learn to forgive, enjoy some time in complete silence, open your heart to them and let them do the same, understand them and empathise and lastly care actively for them and love them. I believe in falling in love with the heart, mind and very soul of a person, not with their pretty face or their hot body

[tzotzo10]

I have never known a better feeling in life than the one when you lie down together under the sheets with a loved one, hugging with your eyes closed in complete silence. It may sound boring to some people, but these moments are worth living for. Feeling the warmth of a significant other, experiencing the sensation of their skin when your palm gently and slowly caresses their chin. You know it's special when your breathing rate and your heartbeat sync up and you can tell because your senses are tied to each other's so firmly you don't have to talk in order to communicate

[tzotzo10]

I'm so glad I enrolled in my University. I met so many fun, nice and quirky people there. I laughed with them so much. We made memories and sometimes after a long day you get to watch the sunset with them as you are returning home. I love those days, cause they are what makes me excited to keep living a happy life 😊 And the best thing is that we still have plenty of time to enjoy it together.

[tzotzo10]

When you accomplish something it's easy to believe into commitment and making the effort. But what really makes you successful are the hard times. When you get hurt, disappointed. When you get frustrated and wanna give up like nothing else in the world, that's when it counts. You have to battle with thousands in front of nobody and win. Keep going. Suffer loss. Get up quickly. Keep going. Be kind to others while fighting. Keep going. Maybe hate it at some point. Hate what you're doing, hate yourself for hating what you always loved and still do. Keep going. Give up...Forget....Change your life, desires. Love something else. Commit. Succeed. You don't really like it as much. Remember. Immediately drown those memories so you don't lose what you've earned. That security. Eventually, you lose that security somehow anyway. Then something promising happens out of the blue. You get your hopes up. You consider starting over and continue chasing your dreams. You know it will ruin you and leave you as an empty reck. You suppress those emotions until you can't do it any longer and you give into them. You accept them. You slowly start chasing that dream of yours again. Investing little by little in it. You become almost as passionate as before. You start taking risks for it and deciding on continuing to persue it. Suddenly, it comes to you. It makes itself a reality. You can't believe it. You think you're in a dream. But it's as real as it gets. You believed in it before. When it was hard. You deserve this. Karma is not just a bitch

[tzotzo10]

Maybe it will never end..and I'm so scared of that. Scary demons from my past are coming back. Demons that I thought I had killed, situations and people I thought I had forgotten about. So it will never truly end? Will it keep chasing me forever? I'll never be able to break free from those feelings? I thought it ended and that I could control it if it ever came back.. I couldn't be more wrong. I don't have the guts to end it. I need to bring down my defenses again and ask cause I'll go crazy if I don't. And what should I ask about? I can't even find my words anymore.. You've made me so scared..

I'm so dissapointed in my self.

[tzotzo10]

Maybe I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Maybe I'm forcing myself to feel good with other people I don't really like.. Maybe I shouldn't be with other people when I'm in love.. The fuck? l'm crying after a long time and it feels fucking amazing. I'm feeling happy about being sad again? Does that make any sense?

I think it's because saddness is actually like a drug. Addictive. People love feeling sad sometimes. It's a strong emotion just like love and maybe we need to feel it too. Because what is love without a little pain, what is life without a few hardships. But what happens when people wanna feel sad? What if they feel sad because it makes them comfortable? Like coming home after a long day. When I feel tired of responsibilities it's easier to choose being sad over happy or any positive emotion. Because when you are sad you kinda let yourself rest, give yourself space and time to admit that not everything is going okay, not everything is gonna be fine. You have to admit as a person that you have flaws, and not everyone is going to love you for who you really are. Because you're brilliant the way you are. You're not like everyone else. All of us are different. People have the need to get affirmation from others, it's true. But I believe, in order to truly appreciate others when they compliment you or even love you, first you need to discover yourself, criticise yourself, change yourself, appreciate yourself, and lastly, love yourself. This is not easy.. It takes a long time and the process never ends actually. But once you discover how to love yourself, you'll finally know. You're not difficult to deal with or love. You're just not the right person for everyone. The journey to discovering who you really are, what you like and who can actually love you is so exciting! Exactly because it's complicated and takes a lot of time. Humans are so complicated. We have intellectual needs. We're not like animals. We can feel in more ways possible because we can think in more complicated ways.

[tzotzo10]

Everything traces back to you..

It's just that my mind is moving around you in circles. And I can't stop it. I can ignore it but not all the time. Afterwards, the bubble holding every emotion and thought in it fills up and bursts. It explodes and the aftermath is me feeling like a loser, feeling hurt, stupid, guilty, ashamed. Emotions become water running down my cheeks. My heart rate increases and I can't breath well. But it's fine. I've been through that a lot of times already. I know I'll get back to my normal self after a while. The one who tries to rationalize things and actually hide or belittle emotions cause they don't feat other's needs. Because nobody cares. Or more accurately, the ones we want to care for us don't.

[tzotzo10]

I constantly daydream about you. The image of you is becoming clearer and clearer in my mind. Dreaming the sensation of kissing you is becoming more and more vivid. I'm starting to feel a little needy now and that's really bad.. I'm really starting to fall. I'm afraid that I'll just hurt myself again like before.. That's so harsh.. I don't wanna get crashed again like that. Cause I can't stop myself from catching feelings. I can't give up.. That's me, for better or for worse. My heart is in your hands already. I'm starting to cry at the thought of you not being in love with me in the future. Too needy right? I know. I'm the one that knows it the best. Cause I have to fight and struggle with my emotions and desires screaming in my head every moment. Holding them back so that I don't annoy you. I'm sorry I'm so weak.. But in the end I really love you.. My feelings are getting stronger and stronger every day. It's not just a crush. It's developing and I'm actually trying to fight it. But you just continue to concure my heart bit by bit. Making it entirely yours and noone else's. Can you blame me for falling so hard for you?

[tzotzo10]

Things I wanna do with you

I wanna love unconditionally again. And you can bring that out of me. I wanna be able to call you mine and be proud. Anyone who dares hurt you or us is going down, I can guarantee you that. I'm gonna try my best to protect you from all those fools on earth. I wanna be there to support you when things don't go your way, to encourage you again to keep going and to lift you up whenever you feel down or useless by telling you how awesome you are. I want us to have fun doing stupid silly things. Like making youtube videos or playing games or going out dancing all night, drinking, going places we have never went before with no idea how to get back.

Smash trash we don't own with baseball bats when we feel angry. Go on picnics, staying in bed all day, cooking together and all domestic activities a couple can do together. I wanna flirt with you only with facial expressions or on the dance floor. I wanna introduce you to all my friends, don't worry they're like 3 or 4. I want to meet your most loved ones too. Become friends with them and then tease you together. I want us to take silly tests on yt to find out which colour fits our soul or whatever. Study for exams together. Make you milk or whatever you like when you need to calm down, take care of you when you get sick and then you doing the same with me cause you'd probably pass me your cold cause of all those hugs I would give you. I want you to continue to inspire me so that I don't stop writing again. Maybe when I learn how to play the violin I can play you some songs. I know I'm not gonna fall in love with anyone else for a while again if we never get into a relationship in the end. I want to lose some pounds too. I already have. Maybe you'd like my body a little bit more. I don't like my body too much you know.. I work out and lift weights to tone my arms. I heard you like mascular girls too. So, that I can become. I'm gonna cut my hair mid length once again. It suits me really well. You'll see. I picked some clothes too so that you like my style better. I'm learning how to dance too by watching some yt videos.

You also taught me that we don't need to put labels on ourselves if we don't want to. That this thing is stupid and people shouldn't just assume things.

I want us to play life is strange at night on the bed together while eating snacks and cuddling. I wanna look at the stars while you're next to me on a chilly night with 2 bottles of beer in our hands. I want you to make me listen to your favourite songs. I've also downloaded some songs I know that you like too. I like listening to them when I miss you.

[tzotzo10]

Motivation

The so called "motivation". The drive you need to have in your life to succeed, to keep going when you feel exhausted, and when everyone, even your body or spirit tells you to quit and give up, what keeps you going is that exact thing. MOTIVATION. I can't stretch this enough, but this invisible power is so important to humans! It's the meaning that everyone derperately searches for all their lives. It's so simple. That's why I believe that in order to be happy you need to be a rebel. You need to always trust and follow your heart if you wanna find your place in the world. And almost noone has the guts to do that. You do that tho. In your own way maybe even without realising it, you live your life wonderfully.

So you made me remember the way I used to live. Something that was so important to me and I just forgot about it. So thank you so much for being in my life. I'm grateful I got to meet you.

[tzotzo10]

Stop hiding

Another thing I learned today is that people tend to not show too much interest in other people so that they don't come off as clingy and needy. Which is better in some cases like after being rejected but in nost cases, that's stupid cause while they are doing that, they waste their precious time while making other people believe they aren't interested in them. If people actually did the exact oposite and showed affection and interest in others as fast as they felt it, they would actually have more chances to win over the other person and be with them. They would be happier and nothing's wrong with being nice and kind to other people. Everyone likes to be treated in a nice way. Things are much simpler than they are concived. So all of you should actually always stay true to your feelings, be brave and proud of who you are.

[tzotzo10]

Try harder

I don't understand.. Most people don't try their hardest when they want something. Hell, sometimes they don't try at all. Idk why but maybe they fear failure or rejection. Still, they are not trully free living like that. Why do people hide? Was it always like that? Why don't have the courage to confront others? To put themselves in front and support their beliefs? Is it because we don't trust each other nowadays? Is it because we are getting hurt more frequently? Is it because we don't care anymore? Can't we find any reason to be happy in this world? Is it not worth the trouble anymore? How can we change that? I wanna make people understand that. Try more, harder. Make them wanna live their best lives at all times. I'm getting disappointed in people..

[tzotzo10]

Trust again

I'm gonna remind you how awesome it is to believe someone when they genually say that they love you. Trust, it's hella hard. But you can do anything you want. I believe in you. As long as you want it of course. I'm gonna remind you how great it can be when you can express yourself without being in fear that nobody cares. Cause I'm here to listen to you. Whatever you have to say. You can be vocal again. I never betray. I can't say that if you tell me your problems I'll be able to solve them, but I can goddamn listen and care. Talk about it with you. Whatever you want. I hope I get the chance to help you in the future with those. Even as a friend.. Nah, I know I will and when that happens you can count on me to be there for you.