umbralstaff

"SOONER OR LATER THIS COMBUSTIBLE MIXTURE OF IGNORANCE AND POWER IS GOING TO BLOW UP IN OUR FACES." -Carl Sagan

[umbralstaff]

Greetings!

We apologize for the unscheduled downtime today. But the bright side is that 100 characters have been added to ask boxes! This will allow anonymous users to use an extra 100 words while they express their hatred and ire toward you. It will also allow non-anonymous users an extra 100 characters with which to express their hatred and ire towards you.

None of us have ever woken up, truly, umblrstaff

[umbralstaff]

Greetings!

We apologize for the unscheduled downtime today. But the bright side is that 100 characters have been added to ask boxes! This will allow anonymous users to use an extra 100 words while they express their hatred and ire toward you. It will also allow non-anonymous users an extra 100 characters with which to express their hatred and ire towards you.

None of us have ever woken up, truly, umblrstaff

[umbralstaff]

It is entirely possible that there are self-contained fandoms on umblr.

Umblr Staff have witnessed photo posts of innocuous objects, a 1991 Chevy Buick, for instance, with the following text comments;

"Imagine, though, if they’d had this."

"It would have been the perfect instrument!"

"If only

"Oh my godddd!!!!"

"But it still wouldn’t have saved them..."

In these posts, it is impossible to find what they or them refers to. There are no tags accompanying these posts, though the posts gain hundreds of notes from others who seem to know of the referent. How could members of the fandom discover these posts without tags?

If every fan was following every other fan, there would be no need for tags. Each user would be able to correctly assume that the person who posted the image of the 1981 Chevy Buick had been referring to the referent.

An outsider to the fandom would not understand. They might make the assumption that there is a book, movie, television series, or game, which is the common tie between the esoteric posts. But without substantial evidence of the media from which the fandom is born, the outsider would never have interest in uncovering the object of the fandom’s obsession.

What we believe to be even more likely, is that each member of the fandom follows only members of their fandom. Like a closed circuit, the fandom would operate within a separate pocket of umblr.

Where would this lead? Would entropy erode the object of the fandom’s obsession? Could a hideous mutation be brewing within the fandom? Would it be a 1971 Chevy Buick?

We have no control over our user base, umblrstaff

[umbralstaff]

We will soon be unveiling a new feature, which we have tentatively labeled Blood Oath! Within the next few days, you will receive a notification to modify your umblr account. 

When you are prompted, accept the first two conditions, but not the third. Afterward, you should make sure to have your speakers turned to a comfortable volume, as you will miss the verbal instructions if you do not have speakers.

Afterward, recount the Three Verses, aloud, but (as always) be sure to do so in a room without glass windows.

If you ignore these instructions, and accept the third condition, you are a brave fool, and we are not responsible for any damage which occurs to your computer, or your eternal spirit.

We do not know what happens if you accept the third condition.

It is probably something horrible. We're frightened by it. It could be puppies though. Not that we're trying to gather test subjects. ;)

Flowers wilt because they must, umbralstaff

[umbralstaff]

Please remember; if you remove attributions to pictures you reblog, you must then remove your blog. Dismantle your computer, smelting the metals and breaking them into stones, before returning them to the ground. It is the only way to keep the shadegaits from tracking you down to punish you for your transgressions.

If you provide citations and sources for media you did not create, you'll find that the shadegaits are generally nice, even though they are made of smoke and vitriol.

May Mother Umbra hold you within her wings, umbralstaff

[umbralstaff]

As it turns out, the shadow people are no longer turning up on videos uploaded directly to umblr! We are just as surprised as you are!

May the shadow people be banished from your lives now, too, umbralstaff

[umbralstaff]

To compensate for the sin clogging everyone's inboxes, we'll be releasing a patch that deals with that issue. This patch should also help allieviate and the other issues that have been piling up since version 2.333.

They've really been piling up, haven't they? C:

May the dark clouds depart from your lives, friends, umbralstaff

[umbralstaff]

Bad news everyone. A major vulnerability, known as "The MERS virus," has been detected on the majority of the internet. That includes umblr.

We have no evidence of any infestation and, like most cults, our members took immediate sacrifices to the altar to suture the breach.

But this still means that anyone you love may have stumbled onto a website infected with the MERS virus, and they may have contracted the MERS virus. Trust no one.

Take some extra time to wash your hands, don't touch your face, and keep from visiting anyone for the next thousand years. It will give the virus plenty of time to either die out, or exterminate the human race.

For posterity, umbralstaff

[umbralstaff]

Pleased to announce the new "Contrition" feature!

May your nights be sweet and your cattle of adequate girth, umbralstaff