Umbriel Eryl

Is it a sign or am I only drifting into delusion again?

[umbrieleryl]

The comfort I sought within your heart

The warmth of your chest

The softness of your heartbeat

I couldn’t stop myself

I grew my roots through your veins and arteries

I clench at the muscle tissues of your heart

I wanted it all

In time, your heart beats softer

The warmth I once sought after was

…fading?

Do you not want me anymore?

My nails stab onto the walls of your heart

The relief I would feel when I could finally hear you again

The warmth I would feel calms me again

But I am getting tired

I cannot stab your heart each time I feel cold

I have done nothing wrong.

It is you that is wrong.

Do you not want me anymore?

[umbrieleryl]

Was I worth it?

If I were to hold the soil you flowered from, will I finally feel the barrenness of your heart?

The love you devoured so eagerly off my hands; digging into the skin of my palms with nails unkept.

The emptiness in your eyes while you hold me in your arms.

The sweetness that spilled from your lips taste like nothing in my mouth.

When you lay back down in the soil that you flowered from,

was it worth it in the end, my love?

Was I worth it in the end, my love?

[umbrieleryl]

Breaking at the seams. My flesh tears from the constant shape shifting. The mirror shows me nothing. Who am I?

[umbrieleryl]

Remove the last traces of you from my skin. Ripping open my flesh until I can’t see your fingerprints anymore. But the visions of you when I close my eyes still haunt my dreams. Acting like the knife you’ve twisted deep in me was nothing.

Cold sweat, heavy breathing.

Smashing furniture on my walls does nothing anymore. Hospital stays and stitches are just unnecessary reminders of past mistakes. Drowning in chaos. I need you to leave me. Please, leave me.

[umbrieleryl]

I bottled up my rage to only see it be served in the chalices of children I never wanted. Frantically I try to gulp what remains but it only made me spit out the contents. I realized that I was already filled with rage that came from the bottles of parents I could never satisfy.

[umbrieleryl]

I never knew that meeting you would be the end and the rebirth of me.

[umbrieleryl]

Under the canopies of leaves and twigs was where I saw a glimpse of you. An astounding beauty that left a sweet taste on my tongue. The scent of flowering meadows in Spring and the shimmering equinox glow is what you are. The essence of all that is beautiful.

[umbrieleryl]

She is the flame I warm myself to. The rain that washes away the grief painted on my face. The stars that guide me back home.

[umbrieleryl]

Her heart beats faster when she grabs my arm to show me the passing of clouds. Her love burns like the taste of tequila down my throat; mellowed by the softness of her touch. She is worth every heartache this heart has endured. However dirty my soul had gotten, she had polished and gilded it with gold. So merciful are you to me. So kind are you to me. So divine are you to me. So in love am I to you.

[umbrieleryl]

I am sprawled on the floor; my tears, they pillow my head. I have learnt the lessons of Orpheus but I am no better than him. This grief that settled itself inside my heart has stabbed me with its teeth. It is drinking my sanity until it could drag me into the underworld. Darling, please do not mirror Eurydice because Orpheus is slowly taking over me.

[umbrieleryl]

Voicing out the aches of my joints erupts an aurora I can only see through the lenses of my glasses. The words I speak tend to fall onto deaf ears. The blood dripping down my body through the point-blank bullet wound in my chest are seen as battle wounds; praised but never healed. All my glory melts away when I no longer write my sorrows through the eyes of Orpheus. The underworld does not look the same when the light has taken more from me.

How soft and tender is my love for the ones meant for me. How did I become Eurydice when I thought I could finally see the light?

[umbrieleryl]

I am well aware of my inconsistent preaching to a church of hopeful listeners. I deliver my sermons through gritted teeth as the smoke from burning incense subdues my incoming hysteria. My unwelcoming gaze masked by hymns. Words of praise and worship decorate my putrefying body. It is difficult to understand why I am standing here. Preaching in mass when I am known for self-chaos and dancing with calamity. But I guess, drowning myself through distorted faith is not much of a change. I wonder how long I could stand here before I finally snap.

[umbrieleryl]

Each day my hair grows longer, my nails need to be trimmed, and the thickness of my clothes changes. The same people walk the same path everyday holding onto the same freshly brewed coffee. Sometimes they bring someone new on their walk and decorate the ground with new footprints. The past and the future stay the same when you are an observer. Through the lenses of my telescope, I see that my days would be painted in the same shades over and over again. Whenever I look further, the seasons, the same people walking the same path, changes. The leaves yellowed and fall to the ground. Small children would follow these people around asking, “mama, why do the leaves turn yellow?” followed by explanations that are filled with metaphors and imagery. I could only smile as I watch life go by faster than I would have wanted it to be. The loneliness of an observer is a fate I cannot run from. I could pray until my knees bruise, and search for love as peaceful as rivers, but it will always end with me observing them finding someone better. Until the end of this life. I can only observe the intricacies of life. I can never touch the things I long for.

[umbrieleryl]

We cut through the barriers in search for love. Tangled between fibres and vibrations, we somehow found each other. We fell onto each other gradually like the first snow of the year. My worries and doubts melt into your palms. Your pure soul has given me a chance at life again. You are another tomorrow I look forward to. I love you.

[umbrieleryl]

And I am on my knees again with my fingers entwined. Praying and hoping that you could hear me. The angels sit beside me with nothing to say anymore. The soaked sheets I rest upon are filled with memories that rips me apart. The bodies that lay beside me fills me with guilt. They rest their head on pillows I’ve changed a million times, but they somehow always smell like you. Why wouldn’t you take me with you when I gave you the chance? The warmth of your palms as they pushed me back into the cold ocean torments me when I sleep. The stares from above pierce through me. The muffled voices from beyond the waters does not disturb the surface. The distorted faces look at me with nothing to say. Their touch not warm enough redden my pale skin. It is cold here without you. It is cold here. Cold. Cold. Cold. Cold. Cold. Cold. Cold.

[umbrieleryl]

Whenever the autumn sun shines down your brown eyes, they turn to golden ambers filled with magic. The softness of your stare could cut me into pieces yet it makes me feel so warm. Darling, you are the roots to the tree; grounding me to the soil so deep that I do not wish to see what is out of my reach. Your love is all I need to keep my branches from falling onto the ground. You are my spring that blooms these flowers I give to others. They bear the fruit of your loving and I cannot get enough. I have stood here for years seeing nothing but tired stumps, unwilling to grow. Seeing fires take away the will of flowering bushes, and yellowed leaves falling during the brightest of spring. My hope withered like my leaves, but you came around and watered the soil. You sat under me and gave me love I have never felt before. During the hottest of days and coldest of nights, you would never leave my side. I’ve never known a love like you. No one could ever love me like you.

[umbrieleryl]

In the end, the carelessness of how you prepare yourself for the day is what I miss the most. The way you land your fingers onto the snooze before your mind realizes it’s time to wake up would always make me wonder. Now I realized that I have never needed to set up my alarm because the rustling of your still tired body will wake me up to start my day. When you have hit your fifth and last snooze, you roll yourself out of bed and wrap your arms around my waist. You muffle a tired “good morning,” before going on your phone to get your morning laughs. The little giggles I hear from the other room would fill this home with so much warmth. When you realize you may be late again, you zoom around me to get yourself ready. Your clothes in one hand and breakfast in the other, I sat there waiting patiently for you. How I miss those moments of chaos that I have grown accustomed to. Now this house is empty. My cries are the only thing echoing down the halls. I cannot say this house is a home anymore. Without you here, I am lost.