It’s been months since I last wrote here, or anywhere really, and it’s not that I have nothing to say. In face it’s the opposite. my head and heart are all over the place and I don’t know where to begin,and if I begin, I may never stop. four days ago I was broken up with, two nights ago my world collapsed. I spent Saturday night with the man who claimed to love me. what started out beautifully, with the promise of hope and change, quickly turned into the reason for my nightmares. sitting at the lookout and talking, an argument developed. I was so completely exhausted from a days adventuring I asked to be taken home. He refused, taking me to his place. again I asked to go home. again he refused. the longer this carried on the more distressed I became. crying hysterically and begging him to stop. he remained calm and emotionless. no acknowledgement or empathy towards my desperate pleas. It was the middle of the night, and he promised me if I gave him three minutes to explain he would take me home. the explanation was disjointed, he wanted to push me away and hurt me to the extent that I would never forgive or take him back. after the three minutes I softly whispered to him that I wanted to go home. He suddenly flipped, telling me he wasn’t going to. that he was a liar. a cheater. a scumbag. all names I had called him after past situations in which he had hurt me, abused my love and destroyed my trust. I have never in my life felt so afraid. to see someone who I thought I knew, who I believed cared, remain unphased by my extreme distress. that it didn’t register or sway him. flashbacks to the night I was drunk in a car with a guy, no phone in the middle of nowhere, and he calmly told me he could rape me or murder me and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt helpless and alone. his behaviour was so out of character I didn’t know what he was capable of. eventually he drove me home, but as I went inside he stuck his foot in the door. refusing to leave. I was apologising over and over. tears streaming down my face telling him I understood and had learnt my lesson and he could stop punishing me. I couldn’t breathe or think straight. he was telling me he wouldn’t leave until I promised to ring him, I promised. but still he was unmoving. I shut the door on his foot, and he woke the dog. knowing others would soon wake he left. only to knock on my door multiple times for the following two days. home alone this morning fear crippled me. I crawled from the hallway to ring the police. I have a protection order for the next five days. I won’t see or hear from him. but my heart is broken. I am hurting for myself, for believing that my love could change someone. that kindness and forgiveness could overpower pain. that if only I was lovely and loving to the best of my abilities he might want to treat me better. I’m hurting that I’ve lost so much of myself in the process. and I’m hurting most for the beautiful future I envisioned with him. all the plans we made. I’m hurting for him. for the pain he doesn’t know how to deal with. for the way he is unable to truly understand the depth of the situation. that he felt the need to punish me, to point out the ugly in others without realising it was his actions and words that caused it. hurting because tomorrow he turns 25 and all I wanted was for him to feel loved and believe that the day he was born was one worth acknowledging and celebrating. I’m empty. I’m broken. I’m lost and I’m afraid. I have suffered months of abuse, cried myself to sleep countless nights. given chance after chance, even when I said this was the last time. accepted treatment that would leave me shaken and sick if it was happening to anyone else I knew. but I have to believe this is for the best. I can’t save everyone. tears are streaming down my face as I write this. and I don’t know what the future holds. I want to believe there is reason for this. that like every other trauma in my life, hindsight will shine a light. beauty will come from this brokenness. and everything will work out for the better. for him, and for I. whether that means together or apart. I am free.
