My Bonnaroo Story: A Letter to my Dad
ā¦.This summer I went through something very life changing that took months to recover .
.. I went to TN. to a Music festival that I went to Last year with my friends. itās called Bonnaroo. The best way to describe it is to call it a modern day Woodstock .
4 days of continuous music. something that my friends and I hope to continue for years to come..
Iāve had a problem with my right foot for about 2 years now continuously aggravating it . I have been doing Yoga for the last month and have noticed that the pain has subsided tremendously .
But I know thatās life, as we get older were gonna have more and more scars and bruises and pain because no one can truly live a full life intact.
The first day of Bonnaroo . A quick visual its 530 acres and 90,000 people attend from all over the world. last year our car was very close to our campsite which you tend to make like your home so you bring tables,chairs ,food ,tents,rugs , people bring genarators anything you can think of. This year I went with 12 friends .But it was very different from the previous year which was ideal in every way. Our car was 2 miles away from our camp site we had to walk there countless trips carrying things so heavy.. on top of that it was 102 degrees.
The first day was spent building up our camp site.. the second night I woke up and my foot was swollen to the point I could not walk the pain was beyond anything I could handle and you know me .. I will suffer with something until its at the worst stage.
I remember thinking I have 3 more days left how can I walk like this going from one act to the next itās not gonna be possible. So my friends and I went to a medic tent and I was given an ace Band-Aid and I wrapped up my foot and put it on ice elevating it for a good 3 hours never getting up once. When it was close to the time for the first band I wanted to see I got up and it was just a nightmare I would have either had to sit at the campsite all night since I COULD NOT walk .. one of my friends who is an E.M.T and has a lot of problems with his back (dislocated disc ect) gave me a muscle relaxer to stop the inflammation and a half of Vicodin 20 min later I no longer felt any pain.. so I enjoyed the shows and everything was fine so I thought.. at around midnight while watching Radiohead. They played their song Karma Police I remember watching it with Joey and thinking life cant get any better. I was with Someone I have come to care about a lot WHo reminds me a lot of you . he has allowed me to sleep in his room on his couch for a year in a half while I had no plan or idea of when I would leave.
He came next to me and said that he was gonna go to the next act.. I told him I wanted to see the encore and I would meet him there.. he asked me if I was sure I said yes and we agreed to meet up and he left.. after the encore Paranoid Android I remember wanting to walk over to the next act and I couldnāt .. I couldnāt move It was as if time stood still and everyone was moving all around me walking past me but I couldnāt . the next thing I knew my body was on the ground. I can hear people shaking me but I couldnātāt wake up I couldnāt talk.. I peed on myself and I remember thinking that this is so embarrassing but I still couldnāt get up.. next thing I feel them doing cpr im still not breathing i remember them cutting my bra exposing me I remember hearing them over and over saying I wasnt breathing they did cpr i felt my chest cracking and I remember in my head trying to scream to myself to wake up but I couldnt.
Now what Iām going to say next may seem a bit out there but this is what happened to the best of my knowledge
I am in a helicopter and being air lifted out of bonnaroo .. I was intubated . I remember feeling like my throat was being ripped out of my insides but I had no control I couldnāt stop it ..
The weirdest thing is through all this I can see people around me I can see everything but I was unresponsive. I remember it was from the view of my body but even though I see them itās like try couldnāt see that I could see them.
Next thing I know I am unaware of my situation and the only thing that I am aware of is music.
Every song or artist I came across in my life. Revien, Killing me softly by Lauren Hill , Celine Dion, Ray Charles , Charles Aznavour , Queen, Selena, My Morning Jacket, Arcade Fire, Mumford and Sons, Anna Gabriel, The Rolling Stones, Portugal.the Man every single song that I was introduced to partly because of you. were playing in my head..
I woke up to Arcade Fireās Wake up. and realized Iām hooked to a monitor and I have a feeding tube in my nose, a catheter, a breathing tube and IVās. The nurses came in told me I was in the ccu I came in unresponsive and had to go on life support. They asked me to write down a number and I couldnāt remember any. My mind was trying to process how many days had passed I realized that I was alone and I had no idea how bad this really was. After a few hours they removed the breathing tube kept the feeding tube and everything else.. the only number I rememberd was Lizās .
I will say please donāt get mad at her for not telling you I begged her not to alarm anyone all I wanted was for her to call Joey son that everyone knew I was ok. I knew they would be worried which they were.. it was 9am on a Sat the nurses were very cautious with me . the next day they would have me meet with a social worker to tell me my options.. I found out I was not in manchester TN near the festival but in Chatanooga. I found out later that my friends were calling all hospitals in Manchester with no luck.
They aked me what I wanted to do and all I said was I had to go back to bonnaroo they thought it was just insane and assumed It had to be the drugs because cause that wasnāt going to happen since I was about 2 hours away with no money.
That night I was told that they found opiates in my system and .. marijuana and due to that my thoughts of going back to Bonnaroo were dismissed and I was told that I was under the influence of drugs . I drank more water then Ive ever had in a day. all sat night that with the iv and the cathater i knew it would all be out of my system and of couse the next day i was completly clean of any drugs .. of course my blood pressure was 170/ 72-89 the lowest it got was 160/80 they asked me if I had heart problems I said I had issues with panic attacks and that my pressure has always been high and they basically said that with the swollen foot and the heat my heart prob just gave out because even though I didnāt feel the pain I spent a whole day with it and eventually my heart was prob in such strain that it gave out..
I was told that they would remove the feeding tube but I had to agree to eat . Although my throat felt like I swallowed shards of glass cause of the intubation I did what I was told to ensure that I would be released.
I ate EGGS! I drank milk and I made sure that I was doing everything that was asked of me .
I will say that entire sat a lot of my sanity was touch and go. In one case I was filling orders but on the other hand I felt like everything was a conspiracy. The Drs and nurses were out to get me. At one point I contemplated actually running. I remember taking off the heart monitors and the alarm going off and The nurses coming in to hook them back up. I was trying to put how I got there together. I was scared, confused, wondering if I was really alive or dead. But the only thing I did know was I had to go back to Bonnaroo
The next day they had me see a social worker who said basically my only option was to go to a womanās shelter and wait for my friend to come on Monday to pick me up .. (they could not leave the festival. like I said 90000 people the only way out is the way I left.. well I told them it was not option ..
I donāt know how it happened. one moment Im being told I have to go to a womanās shelter . and the next moment all the nurses behind the back of the social worker decided they were going to help me get back back to Bonnaroo. I will say that I was told by the people at bonnaroo in the 10 years that this festival has been going on there have been people that have died there every year .. last year 2 people died.. also countless of people end up in the hospital and never has anyone been air lifted and gotten back.. (that in its self is something i remember every day and I hope that reading this you can realize that i would never tell you about this if I got nothing from that experience )
to continue
The trip there is something to this day will never make sense to me .. I will say this I had many oppourtunties to get back to Ga.. Liz was willing to pick me up from the hospital but I told her I wanted to go back to bonnaroo and she was not ok with that .. we actually didnāt talk for about a month because she felt like I didnāt value my life which wasnāt the case.. also when one of the nurses drove me to the taxi place I had to wait about 2 hours for the next cab ride (which the nurses managed to get for me for free). twice I was asked if I was going to Atlanta . it was all very surreal again because I felt like there were so many signs telling me to go to Georgia but I couldnāt do it ..
I believe sometimes you experience things and you just cant explain it and its not that your crazy but there has to be a reason.
my trip back there was weird it will have to be a story I say to you in person or when I finally decide to write my memoir.
(ill always remember you telling us stories of your childhood and I am so thankful for those.)
Through my will or the powers of the universe I was able to make it there for Sunday I missed one day of Bonnaroo I made it in time for The Beach Boys.. my friends were overjoyed and happy and relieved that I was okā¦
I was a story that the nurses said they would forever remember me because in 24 hours I made my self well enough for them to discharge.. when i tell you it was not suppose to happen the entire sat i was told there was no way i was going to get back and I just kept quiet realizing i needed to play their game and get discharged before anything else.
But, Even When I did get back mentally my brain was a puzzle putting itself back together.
After previously being told there was no way I would get back when i got back to bonnaroo to enjoy sunday there were times i was in and out mentally in one way i was happy to be back but in another I thought that I was still at the hospital , or dead or in heaven or I made it up I couldnāt figure it out.. the final day the Monday we were packing to leave and it started to rain like crazy and I told my friends to leave me that I had died I wasnāt real there was alot of yelling from my friends and i wouldnt listen to them. it took Joey to grab me and pick me up and throw me in the van. I remember sleeping and crying confussed because honestly daddy it was scary.. and I was so happy but how did just that sat was I on life support and all of a sudden im here with them.
My friends Tim said he was scared for me and maybe id have to go to a hospital and Joey yelled at him telling him what did he expect I just went through something like this alone.. no one could handle something like this .. and that I would be ok cause he was gonna take me home and id be fine..
But to be honest for months after that I wasnāt ok I felt like I was in a dream state and I got into drugs heavy. I eventually realized this was stupid and dove into going to a lot of live shows and with that I met some really great people I have formed friendships with these people consist of band members, managers of bands.. actors , publicist ,
In October I had this amazing opportunity to see shows for free for a whole week (itās called CMJ music marathon week) I was basically catching the train on my own going to Ny between manhattan and Brooklyn enjoying my own well Bonnaroo and it was great and I talked to different artist and everyone I spoke to thought I was someone in the music business.. it was great. .and amazing and in a way doing this alone was my own kind of therapy .
When i was younger I remember talking to people about my problems got me into alot of trouble. I know it was because i would talk to the wrong person.. itās my naiveness in trusting everyone and not using my judgement and gifts of reading people .. just because someone is willing to listen doesnāt mean they are willing to help or they really care.. alot of times they need that to use against you .
I keep alot of things to myself i learn to not talk and just do things on my own and figure it out on my own .. there are people that I do talk to hit its not just anyone that will listen. These are people that are important to me and know pretty much as much about me as I know about them.
Music was what I needed it is this that has brought me where i am right now . I cant say I that iāve had a religious experience . Religion is i realize something that will come in time . finding my own sense of spirituality will be the next faze of my life . Im taking every day one step as a time but with every day i do something that is to better my future. if anything this has made me reevaluate that experience and realize that there was a reason that happened.. I am more connected to the earth with people with living .
When you said āMusic keeps me connected to the unknownā man daddy that hit me hard because you know what? It does but not necessarly the unknown that you donāt know .. but the unknown thatās within you .. everything in life is a lesson and we either make the same mistakes of those around you , holding on to anger of the past and living like a zombie in your mind or you deal with it and move on .
During CMJ music week I realized no one not one single person has a perfect life .. I can talk to anyone Daddy and like you people fall in love with me because they see itās real I want to connect with people ..
I am now 28. I was angry for so long and have delt with some shit and a lot I did to my self because rather then deal with it and use it as a life lesson I was being self distructive..
So I realize I told you a lot and im confortable with it I am now in a good place mentally I can say that you have a lot to do with it and I really have found my nitch in life and I am going to be good.. everything is happening for me right now .. I am starting a website Ive been told that I will get help with it from a few different sources . I have a woman that has a website on communications and is willing to put a link of my site on hers I have 2 publisit for a few up-incoming bands that are willing to help me if I take this seriously which I am ..
I lost my job a few weeks ago all I wanted to do was cry and go back into depression. But I canāt .. I have no savings I wasted it all on drugs . But Iām keeping positive and Iām trying to get a new job and start all over again. If I could make it back to Bonnaroo I can make anything in my life happen.
This year Iām going back . Itās my year I will be there from beginning to end. I havenāt gotten my ticket , I donāt have a dime but I know Iāll be going because I have to. Itās where I belong.
So there you go. My Bonnaroo story I guess. Love you Daddy and Iām gonna be ok.
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