My Uncomfortable Existence

Mindless meanderings through my quarter life crisis and otherwise awkward day to day existence. My avatar is a magnet I bought and am giving credit to Etsy store http://www.etsy.com/people/franticmeerkat Who is not me but is fantastic. If she has a problem with me using it, please let me know and I will stop.

[buttpoems]

[uncomfortableexistence]

I made this Valentine for my husband.

[devonsdiary]

Who taught me to suck in my stomach, or my cheeks? Who told me to stand with my legs apart and my hips thrust back to create the illusion of a gap between my thighs? Who made me believe that the most beautiful part of me is my negative space?

Negative Space (via elliesigh)

[hrghhhhhhhhhhhh-deactivated2014]

[jacobtheloofah]

no but the best part is how he got the name:

his name was originally “potatoes,” and his owner, willoughby bertie, told the stable lad who helped him to write the horse’s name on a feed bin. the boy misheard it as, literally “pot-eight-o’s” and wrote it with 8 o’s. bertie found it so funny that he kept that as the horses name.

[jewinjcrew]

[4gifs]

[uncomfortableexistence]

livetomakeadifference:

me at the gym

[howshouldweaccountforme]

How I feel during post-tax season PTO.

[one-word-unless]

Yup.

[limericksandlaudanum]

what

[uncomfortableexistence]

Gopher Cakes! Or, My Retreat From Show Business

As a young child, I was involved in every type of after school activity imaginable. While none really stuck (Tennis, horseback riding, flute, clarinet, piano, soccer, softball, swimming, art, etc) there were two that I kept up with for a few years... Acting and singing classes. I was going to be a star. 

My successes were two local commercials, one for a toy store, one for Weber Grills. However, the business of acting is a series of rejections, so I adapted to about 3 auditions a month and never hearing back from them.

My agent would send out my head shot (which was just my school picture, blown up - if you need to imagine what I looked like in it, I'm Buzz's Girlfriend, except younger and with my upper lip tucked in) and every once in a while, I'd get a call. 

My sister was also in the biz and we were in the same commercials and additionally she modeled for a grade school science book (she wore goggles and looked at a penny). She was very cute, thin and girl next door looking. Looking back, I mostly just rode her coattails and my mom dragged me along to her auditions. 

One day I got an audition just for me. I believe it was on a weekend/school holiday as the entire family went to NYC and explored while my dad brought me to the audition. When it came to be my turn, I was led into a small room and there was only me and the camera man (this sounds sketchy, I might not be remembering correctly). He was really friendly.

"OK, honey what we need you to do is eat this Twinkie as fast as you can, run around like crazy and then pretend to be asleep."

Now, as an unattractive child, there is a clarifying moment where you learn that you are not actually a beautiful snowflake you're raised to believe you are. That the world does not center around you and you are not supposed to relate to the lead characters in Disney movies. This was that moment. I realized I was fat. 

A professional at all times, I proceeded with the tasks, went back to my dad, and promptly burst into tears. 

He comforted me by pointing to a much larger child and saying "well, there's your competition, sorry, kiddo you lost this one." Which was supposed to make me feel better because at least I wasn't as fat as that kid? It kinda did. 

Anyway, a year later I saw the ad and was embarrassed but since then it has become one of my favorite stories. I had forgotten about it when this article mentioned it and brought it back.

The girl isn't even chubby. I would have done a landmark performance (and this story would be 100x better).

This self actualization eventually led to a diary entry about my plan to kill myself because my mom told me I couldn't have another piece of pumpkin pie.

[joienvasd09f8uxnj2l1309-xdsd]

“Slut” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “yes”. “Friendzone” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “no”.

angels-and-angles (via wewantrevolutiongirlstylenow)

[uncomfortableexistence]

The Ballad of Shelly and Jennifer

My name is neither Michelle or Jennifer (it is a name popular in the late 80s, but still). At my first job in public accounting a had a hilarious Michael Scott-esque boss who for no discernible reason started calling me Michelle. I could never tell if he was joking or honestly didn't know my name. Michelle became Shelly, and then because everyone was so amused by this, I became Shelly across the board. I was introduced to clients: "Shelly will be handling this for you," at meetings: "Shelly, what are you working on?" etc, etc. 

There was a very professional female founding partner who, early in the Shelly stages, asked loudly and annoyed "who is this Shelly you keep talking about?" to which he replied "If your name is Shelly, raise your hand." I did. She was very interested: "I've never heard Shelly as a nickname for your name, have people always called you Shelly?"

"No. No one in my life has ever called me Shelly."

She looked at him and said "You're going to get sued."

Three years of being Shelly later and I'm at a new job. I'm older, more assertive, more professional etc. I got a ride to the Christmas party with a coworker my first week, then a month later run into him in the kitchen. "Hey Jennifer, how are you?"

Ugh. Not again.

"Actually that's not my name, but people have mistaken me for Jennifer in the past so I guess I look like one."

He apologized and that was that.

This morning we run into each other again.

"Hey Jennifer, how was your weekend?"

Well. Fuck.

"It was great thanks, how was yours?"

"I know your name isn't Jennifer. I was kidding."

Oh. Now I look like a psychopath. Good. 

[uncomfortableexistence]

This was almost over before it began...

I am a notoriously bad speller with a healthy sense of shame - I spelled "Existence" wrong. Existance. Oops. Props to Tumblr for making that much easier to fix than I expected. Too bad I already deleted everything and then had to repost it. Whoops. Onward with less panic driven deletions please.

Words I can't pronounce:

Museum (mu-zaam)

Skeleton (skaleton) 

Chipotle (chipolte)

[uncomfortableexistence]

My Go-To "Never Have I Evers"

Note: This is an ever evolving list. It’s something I think about often.

Never Have I Ever:

-been stung by a bee

-broken a bone

-been to california

-done cocaine

-seen Avatar (also: The Matrix, Inception, Lost)

-gotten detention

-been arrested

-been to a bar mitzvah

Never Have I Evers for specific groups:

-worked at Cluck-U

-lost my virginity in an alleyway in Wildwood, NJ (if it degenerates to personal attacks)

Never Have I Evers I can no longer use:

-had a cavity

-watched Footloose

-had a threesome (it’s not that I have, it’s just that I have no idea whether or not I did - a story for another time, so I will not bring this up to be contested)

[uncomfortableexistence]

Monopoly

My oldest sister enjoyed the very limited power she had over the rest of us during our childhood. While she couldn’t actually make us do anything of benefit she could limit what we were able to watch on TV and in the very specific case she would not allow us to play games that were above our age limit.

Thus I was excited for my 8th birthday when I could officially play Monopoly (which, unlike “all ages” Monopoly Jr, is specifically for those aged 8-adult). I even had enough money to buy the brand new computer version of it (sidenote: why do children always have money?). 

Flushed with anticipation I was unfazed that the only person begrudgingly willing to play with me was my father who was forced to do so against his will by my mother.

He drove me to bankruptcy and I recall specifically (through my tears) as my mother yelled at him, him yelling “now she knows not to play games with me!.”

Our present day Words With Friends games are cutthroat, with each of us accusing the other of cheating daily. (Seriously who knows the word Aquacade?)