My Journey to Self Discovery

Character-building ▪ Faith ▪ Nursing ♡

[uncutchange]

Secure love

What does secure love feel like ?

It’s the warmth of snuggling with him at night time

It’s the joy of seeing him come home from work

It’s the comfort of hearing him say he loves me when I don’t feel loveable

It’s the sense of safety i get when I am with him

It’s the sweetness of his kiss on my forehead before he goes to sleep

It’s so many things that he does on the daily. I feel so blessed that he loves me so abundantly, that he values me so much and that he cares for me so dearly. The love he gives me is so fufilling that i feel like if i were to lose everything i would be okay so long as i have him.

This is what secure love feels like. It is truly one of the biggest comforts i have ever felt in my life.

[uncutchange]

My thoughts on Nauman Ali Khan’s video on Risq:

This is such an important question because so many times religious individuals who are very much influenced by the pakistani culture often make it seem as though if you chose to be wealthy in this world you are sacrificing the hereafter. Otherwise they adopt a very passive approach to their finances saying “what is my written for me, my risq, will come to me” ignoring that they have to work hard, be innovative, be proactive and not just be content with a low paying 9 to 5 in order to elevate their financial status. He also explains there is nothing wrong with wanting to be wealthy and successful!

I love how Nauman Ali Khan left so much room for interpretation but guided us with core concepts on how to adequately approach finances in Islam: 1) be proactive and dont hesitate to be creative, venture into new businesses that are booming, 2) expect to work hard 3) stay hopeful that Allah will reward you and make it fruitful for you 4) dont limit your own success with restrictive ideas such as “if i move away from a muslim country because i want to be financially secure, i am doing wrong”.

It’s almost the perfect recipee for success as an entrepreneur because it fosters: Courage (to challenge yourself), Hardwork, hopefullness, perseverence. In this case failure is almost impossible because as soon as you don’t excell somewhere you will recognise you can’t be defeated because of the hopefullness Islam Fosters which in turn will motivate you to get up and try again and believe with conviction Allah will help you thrive. MashAllah love how he is constantly challenging the pakistani cultural interpretation of islam and guiding the masses to understand that Islam is a faith that promotes being PROACTIVE in every aspect whether it be with Sabr or Risq

[uncutchange]

The Angels

surah Fussilat ayah 30-31: 

I have been reflecting on the mention of the angels in this ayah where it says that “The angels descend upon the steadfast believer, at the time of death and in the grave, and possibly in the life of this world, to inspire him with noble conduct, and to provide solace and support in times oftrouble. 31. We are your guardians in the life of the world and in the Hereafter: Many commentators believe that it is still the angels speaking who promise the believers that they will continue their friendship and help for them. The angels are depicted as continually asking for Allah's la mercy and forgiveness for believers on earth.” 

Sometimes I feel like I can only count on myself to achieve success in the hereafter through my Ibadat, my charity and my good character. However, these ayah open your eyes to how, as a believing soul, Allah’s angels also become your guardians. They advocate for you, pray for your mercy and your forgiveness and your entrance into Jannah when your time on earth is at it’s end. It makes me want to try harder to become one of the pious ones. This is truly one of the reason, nowadays all my heart seeks is to be in the company of practicing believers. 

Another reflection I had, is at first glance, my interpretation of the tafseer was”do we have guardian angels in the dunya if we are pious believers?” I dug into it deeper and the answer is no. the angels come at your time of death. it’s was a reminder that verily your only helping hand during your time in dunya is Allah. don't put your hopes and reliance on anyone else. pray to him and he will protect you and help you thrive.  

[uncutchange]

Empathy a vital virtue of the believer

As a nurse, I am constantly witnessing people at their most vulnerable, going through hard times; people who are suffering and even people who are fighting for their lives. This has allowed me to practice empathy, compassion and mercy so often that it has become a second nature to me. It truly takes a conscious effort not to let your heart become numb to others’ suffering and to prevent your approach from becoming harsh, void of empathy, compassion, and mercy.

However when you havent been exposed to as much suffering, nor trained yourself to practice empathy, it may not come as easily. 

I would hear a loved one use harsh words repeatedly, when words of compassion and mercy would be expected. I would tell him about heartbreaking tragedies happening around the world but failed to receive from him empathy and compassion. He did not realize the extent of his harshness and lack of humanity.  This sickened me. It disappointed me. It truly upset me and I wanted to find ways to help him cultivate this vital quality that is the foundation of a virtuous character. 

It motivated me to do some research to understand the value of empathy, compassion and mercy is Islam. 

Empathy is defined as being able to relate to a person’s suffering. Compassion is defined as a concern for the suffering of others; and mercy is defined as compassion shown towards someone. All three of these terms are interlinked and inseparable from one another. 

Allah’s most frequent attribute mentioned in the Qur’an is Ar-Rahman and Ar-Raheem, which are defined as The Merciful and The Most Merciful. This is already in of itself a lesson to mankind to cultivate this especially important virtue in order to understand Allah and gain closeness to Him. 

The Prophet SAW embodied it so beautifully, an example is when he crossed paths with Basheer (RA)’s son who had realized his father had been martyred in the battlefield. The Nabi(SAW), saw the child and felt the child’s sorrow and tremendous grief. He held him up in his arms as he wept, and held him close to his as long as the child did not stop crying, then lovingly told him “Don’t cry, don’t worry, if you need a father, I will be your father from today”.  

Another striking example, is in Surah Duha. Allah reminded the Prophet of  how he was once an orphan, unguided and poor, and how Allah had taken care of him. He then asks him to be kind to the orphan, and the poor and to spread guidance for the unguided. Empathy is practiced by imagining yourself as the person who is suffering, it reminds you of how it would feel and how you would want to be treated. Thereafter, the situation becomes more relatable. It no longer is just “a stranger’s suffering”, it becomes “my  suffering”. Your heart softens and you can feel for the person with more compassion and mercy. 

Another striking truth that I realized is that humanity is not in need of your empathy, compassion and mercy. You show the world mercy and empathy to please Allah. It is something you do that will only in the end advantage you.  Allah may only be testing you when he crosses your path with someone who is suffering, offering you an occasion to perform acts of good deeds and grow in virtue in order to build your akhirah. If the ego comes in the way, you will miss the opportunity. Nonetheless that person will still receive the help Allah intended for them, for he is The Provider, Ar-Razzaq. 

I end by saying that Empathy, compassion and Mercy are essential virtues of the believer. Each of us should strive to practice them. 

sources: 

https://youtu.be/LAIrHn-QgVg 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yhf_wEkPfU4&feature=youtu.be 

[uncutchange]

Nafs -i- mutmainnah

In surah Qiyama, Allah swears by Nafs -i-Lawamma, the self reproching self. It pushed me into a deep research to understand the differents Nafs. Especially the Nafs-Mumainnah, the highest level of the nafs, which is mentionned in the end of Surah Fajr so beautifully. 

The differences depend on the level of taqwa a person has, as well as where they are with controlling their physical needs and desires.

The nafs by nature, based on the origins of the word, is something that is meant to rise, to move, to erupt. It has desires, temptations, appetites that are constantly ready to erupt which pushes insaan to fufill them in order to gain satisfied. in his expalnation, Hamza yousuf also highlighted how the root of the word nafs reveals it's Dual nature: it is constantly moving between good and evil.

When one urge is satisfied, another arises, the cycle repeats itself over and over again. (2) A person who lives by the whims of his instincts, desires and emotions is the lowest form of Nafs, the Nafs-i-ammara. he is slave of his emotions and passions; and completely complusive. At this stage, their is no morality derived from religion, and so no guidance or motive to not act on any of the impulses and desires we feel. we see it a lot in the world we live in today, when people say life is just about experiences, and pleasure. there is no reason to act otherwise because life ends as we die. this nafs is also referred to as " the self which prompts evil" (1). the result of  having this kind of nafs is alienation - completely disconnection from God, and like it is so well described in the Qur'an, the punishment of those who forget allah, is that Allah will forget them in the eternal life as they perish in the hellfire. their pain will come more from the alienation of allah then the pain of Jahannam. (3)

When a person is introduced to islam, is inspired by it and begins to experience an awakening of his consciousness. We see him change. He questions which of his desires he should fall into, if doing wrong, questioning himself. he believes and accepts a moral code because there is a concept of accountability: the day of judgement; as well a motive to act rightly: the pleasure of God and Paradise.

this Nafs is  one who is constantly struggling against self-indulgence but is struggling to do the right thing; He is in the process of developping conscioussness. A lot of us are in this category, unable to resist to temptation, falling into it and then filled with guilt because we are aware we wronged. Thi is the Nafs-i-ammana. Taking a look at my own spiritual journey, i realised that marriage allowed be to 

When you further grow in your spirituality, see the wisdom in religious scriptures's guidance, the fight against your wrongful temptations becomes much less challenging. Doing the right becomes easy and effortless. in fact, you see the good in it for, and so you thrive to do what please Allah. the constant desires, ready to erupt are calmed and settled: Allah gave tamma<neena to it. this is the root of Nafs-i-mutmaena. when you achieve this state, You become a soul at peace, completely submitted to Allah. cleansed of it’s tensions and conflicts, beloved to it's Lord and destined elite of Paradise.

At this stage, you reach the purest form of human existence. A human, who rose above human instincts, voluntarily. a being greater than divine angels. the soul comes from Allah and when you achieve this state of the nafs your soul is aligned with it’s Source; connected to It, loved by it. 

what would he ressemble? Someone who is able to keep calm, who doesn't let their temper take over them, or their greed overtake their life.

sources:

1. Tafseer Usmani in Quran majeed App

2. Surah Fajr part 2 tafsee by nouman Ali Khan , Bayinnah Institute : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1c2ly4RdIbI

3. Explannation of the Nafs by Hamza yousuf: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTW0plW6mQE

[uncutchange]

Communication’s role in our Connection with Allah

“Communication leads to connection” he said as we were talking. This is the second time this comes up and strikes a cord with me again.

The first was when I was listening to an inspiring muslim man’s journey to developing a close relationship to Allah, he said in one of his youtube videos “my only way to stay connected with Allah is through Salah. I need to be consistent with my salah, to maintain that connection”.

We can communicate with Allah through means of salah, zhikr, and duaa; and Allah communicates with us through the Quran. These are key tools to build, maintain and strengthen our connection and relationship with Allah.

If you feel disconnected then work on improving the consistency of ur worship. If you loose these means of communication with Allah, you will also unfortunately loose your connection with Him.

It’s interesting how true this is. If we take the example of the month of Ramadan, we feel the most connected to Allah because of how strong our communication is with Allah in this month. We consistently and with passion, read the Quran, pray in tarawee, fast through the day which pushes us to do dhikr and make duaa throughout the day. How amazing would it be if we learn to maintain this communication with Allah,

[uncutchange]

The Professor for the nursing class I was teaching left us with a few pieces of advice for the future debriefing sessions.  Let the students

[uncutchange]

You are more than just bones, flesh and skin

Recently i have been feeling my face, palpating the edges of my nose and around my eyes, feeling the outline of my skull.

It shook me.

I googled “skull” and as i felt my face again, i stared at the pictures. Any one of the skulls that appeared on my google search could ressemble mine, the contours are all the same. And one day that is what my body will turn into, dust and bones and my skull will be left bare.

It’s such a powerful thing to realise you are living in matter. YOU is seperate from the matter. YOU is seperate from the body. The YOU is your awareness, your soul.

We can so easily make the mistake of believing YOU is the body, because that’s what one has always been told. And consequently we make the mistake of limiting our existance to the lifetime of our body. Its so easy to believe that we live only until your body lives. But by doing so, You limit yourself to bones, flesh and skin.

if you reflect in depth, here is something else you realize. Your body is independent of you. The lungs breathe, the heart beats, the blood flows and you have no awareness of it, you have no control over it. It doesnt need you to do anything, it just works on it’s own.

Whereas your consciousness is dependent on you. It grows if you feed it wisdom, it feels love, sadness and happiness when choose to put yourself in certain situations or surround yourself with certain people, or if you adopt a certain mindset, it behaves based on the values you have chosen to build on.

So how can a thing that you have no control over and a thing that you control completely be considered one. They are opposites, by nature completely different in how they operate and so they should be considered seperate entities. The contrast is so stark, it almost feels foolish of me never to ever have realised it before.

You are living in a body, and when that body dies you will continue to exist and transcend . This is what my logic tells me.

Since i’ve made this distinction I no longer believe the YOU is your body, YOU are your soul. This awareness has allowed me seperate myself from my body.

I close my eyes and feel my legs lying on the bed and my soul resting in my chest aware of the vessel its in. It’s shocking to say but i can feel my soul. It is ever young, ever growing and in need of my care and attention.

It makes me realise how until one has made the realisation we are so busy caring and attending to the needs of the temporary shuttle our soul is traveling in, so easily loosing sight of the needs of our everliving being, our soul. Not our body

He says Kun and it is. And everything that he has created follows his commands, when He will command it to stop. My body will cease to live. But my soul will continue to live, it will be carried to my grave until it continues it’s existence in the kindgom of it’s creator. Ya Hayyu, Ya Qayyum (O Ever-Living One, O Self-Existing One. He blew life into Adam from himself. The source our soul came from was Allah and so it has to preserve the integrity of what it’s made of, it is Hayyu, and neverdying.

[uncutchange]

Grief Redefined

Through the years, a lot of deep reflections have allowed me to transform how I see death and deal with grief.

It is unimaginable to lose the ones we love so dearly and that give so much meaning to our lives and to even contemplate continuing living without them. But the day it sinks in that death is not the end, it is just a transition, peace and tranquility take over. Death transforms in meaning. Grief doesnt feel so unsurmountable. Instead of drowning ourselves In sadness for the moments we wont be able to spend with them, we look back and cherish the memories we were able to build with them and the legacy they left behind. We accept that though they may not be present in body, their memories and legacy will continue to live with us so long as we keep them alive. And when death will inevitably come for us, we will once again be reunited with them.

Daddy’s only legacy on Earth is his family. He impacted each of us by his example, through the life lessons he thought us or by inheriting his similar temperament. They all deeply influenced the person we are today. Recognizing this is already comforting because we feel we hold a piece of him in us and carry it with us everywhere and all the time.

Being his legacy and that which he spent his entire life working on also holds great responsibility. We are forever indebted to him.

But since his passing, we have all worked to fulfill this responsibility through acts of generosity that better the lives of the unfortunate and it is truly an honourable thing. We are his Sadaqa Jaariya Alhamdulillah, and it is truly a blessing! As promised by Allah, these acts have certainly impacted daddy’s afterlife, and beautified it. InshAllah may we carry this on for as long as we can so that his legacy is not limited to his family but extends to the lives of so many other less fortunate families.

As for our memories of him, the topic of daddy isn’t brought up a lot in our discussions at home because it is so painful, but with a transformed outlook on grief and an accepting approach to death, it doesn’t have to be so hurtful.

In my case It took me a long time to embrace my grief. I feel like the memories i have of daddy have slightly faded which is heartbreaking.

I hope moving forward, our family is able remember him regularly by talking about our most precious moments with him through pictures or stories so that we can keep our memories of him forever alive.

On this day, the tears that roll down my cheeks are not the same as they use to be, they aren’t tears of regret that he isnt here anymore, instead they are tears of gratefullness that i was blesssed to be his daughter, that i had the privilege of building so many memories with him; that he impacted me so profoundly and shaped me to be the person i am today; and finally that I am able to carry on his legacy and beautify his eternal afterlife by being his sadaqa jaariya.

And I pray that Just as he toke care of me when i was born until i was 23 may Allah care for him, protect him and comfort his soul for all of eternity and reunite us in Jannah. Amen.

[eearth-deactivated20180601]

You’re the only home you’ll ever know. Decorate yourself with love and compassion, furnish yourself with inner learning, declutter yourself with reflection, and don’t let the dust of routine pile up on your soul.

[uncutchange]

Practicing seeing every distracting thought as a passing cloud. Acknowledging it but now letting it take over my day.

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

Great advice right here.

[eearth-deactivated20180601]

Don’t settle for nice, for pleasant, for familiar. Keep looking until you find something that really moves you, that resonates with your core. And I mean this for people, for interests, for hobbies, for your possessions, clothes, music, books, art. Everything. Curate every aspect of your life, as much as you can. It’s in the things that deeply inspire us that we find ourselves. Surround yourself with truth, and you’ll have built yourself a heaven.

[uncutchange]

Seeking Therapy

I was reminiscing of the days i spent at the life-changing spiritual retreat two years ago. I felt a surreal peace there because through the rigid scheduled program i was able to experience a body-mind-soul balance i was never able to achieve on my own.

I understand that the camp was only meant to inspire me, and show me that achieveing such a state of mind is possible.It was suppose to guide me to implement the tips and tricks from the camp into my daily life so as to achieve that same “happy place”.

So my goal is to recreate that balance and reach that same “happy place”.

Since yesterday i’ve been focussing on pulling myself away from the distractions that I’ve been wasting my time on, and redirecting my time and energy towards the activities that will help me achieve this goal. So far, these have been: Reading Qur’an, Prayer, Nature, Reflection through blogging, exercise, eating clean, Generosity, Kindness and Cleanliness.

Everyday i aim to blog my progress through this journey.

[karballa]

[uncutchange]

When will my duaa be answered?

I was reading about prophet Ibrahim AS and how all the guidance and blessings that came to him were a result of his duaa. There was so much khair, rahma and baraka in his properity, much more than he could have imagined. However at the time he made duaa and in the years that followed he couldnt see to what extent Allah had listened to his prayers. Similarly in my case even though i see nothing as i make duaa, i should rest with a heart at peace knowing that my duaa will be fufilled with greater blessings than what i could have imagined. MY FOCUS: Remain steadfast. Increase your tawakul. Occupy yourself in Allah's ibaadat.

[uncutchange]

Ramadan Journal Day 3. it left  me in tears in front of the Alwadood.

I stood in prayer for tarawee this night, and had a flashback of the horrible memory of my most vulnerable point in life... It was the jummuah after the night i spent at the hospital when my dad had passed away. that night i cried, surrounded with family and friends pleading that my father’s burrial be hurried and organised after salatul jumuah. i desperately wanted the most pious congregation to pray his salatul janaza so that the blessing of forgiveness be granted to him and doors of jannah opened for him.

“Aisha (RA) narrated that the Prophet (pbuh) said: No one among the Muslims dies, sand salat is performed for him by a community of muslims reaching one hundred, and they intercede for him, except that their intercession for him is accepted”

Even though my oldest brother’s flight would not have landed in time for the burrial, which broke my heart,my desperation in doing absolutely everything in my power to ensure his well being now that he was gone outweighed everything. I so vividely remember being consoled by a dear family friend, tellling me that though the janaza could not be arranged for friday, Allah would surely accept my duaa and an even greater congregation would be present for his burrial prayer. That night i barely slept, i worked hard to create pamphlets i could distribute to those who attended jummah that friday so ask them to come saturday after ASR prayer for my father’s burrial.

i remember my heart trembling, hands shaking, and eyes tearing, holding onto these pamphlets so dearly. I remember thinking that all hopes for my beloved father’s  salvation lay in the hands of these strangers. I FELT POWERLESS. I FELT SO VULNERABLE. because no matter how much effort i put into asking them, pleading them to come, i could not ensure their presence for that important moment. i remember sitting with my sisters in the prayer hall, when i put on a brave face and gathered the courage to walk up to these women in the prayer hall, handing over to them the pamphlet, even though i desperately tried to hold back the tears, i was too weak, and sobbed in front of them. asking them to attend daddy’s janaza felt more like begging them to come. i hated that moment. I swear i hated it.

thats what i was reminded of while i prayed, and i stood there, weeping during salah because i knew that if ever i reached such a low point in my life and i turned to My Lord, the cherisher, with that same desperate cry for help i could rest assured that I would never be left unknowing whether his help would come to me or not.

My heart felt so much peace knowing that i could ALWAYS, ALWAYS count on him.