Pretentious Toad

Perpetually going through it (my page is just poetry)

[undergoingrenovations]

How wonderful it is

To have found a love that is not persisting

Despite despite despite

After all these years of enduring for others

Staying not because they asked so sweetly

Or because they cared about my wellbeing

But because there was no way out

Loving despite the flaws

Persisting despite the abuse

And now

A love so sweet

Thick and fragrant like honey

Soft and sleepy and restful

Forgiving and gentle

With laughter that isn’t forced and bitter

But full and genuine

I’m scared I don’t deserve it

That it will fade

That the rot inside me will prevail and corrupt

Like it has done before

But he kisses my forehead

And holds his arms around me

And wipes my tears away

And my heart is singing

It’s real

It’s real

It’s real

[undergoingrenovations]

That summer

When I lived in your world before you came to mine

And I met your friend, who I thought was very close to you

But maybe you never were

We clicked instantly

We were the same person who had lived different lives

Maybe you felt like you were outnumbered

After you left me alone in our house

You went to his

And I stopped talking to him

Because he was yours first, and I didn’t want to be where I was unwelcome

But I reached out last night

Because we are the same person in different bodies

And I missed him

And I found out you left him

And you don’t talk anymore

Did he remind you too much of me?

We both deserve better than what you have given us

We will heal together

Apart from you

[undergoingrenovations]

I think of a world where her and I live together

We used to talk about it, when we still talked

We were so excited about hanging our art all over the walls

And book sleeves on the ceiling

Having cupboards full of silly dishes

Or dishes we had made together

Fish tanks or gecko terrariums scattered around

Her plants crowding every window

My trinkets crowding the shelves

Our clothes crowding the closet

It’s surreal to think about

That we used to be that close

I don’t think I’d even recognize her on the street

Or the sound of her voice

[undergoingrenovations]

It’s not too cold anymore when I go outside with Amelia

At night before bed, and in the morning before school

I can wear my ripped jeans and one layer

The bus has neither the heater or the AC on

It is the same temperature as the outside

My eczema has not come yet but my dry skin is gone

I’m friends with my high school friend group again

We’re healing from the past

I am so incredibly happy

Life goes on

[undergoingrenovations]

Objectively this has been a bad week

I didn’t go to class most days

I took a test I didn’t study for

Someone stole my debit card information

I found a mouse living in my bathroom

I cried at work

I turned my estranged brother down when he reached out to me

I’ve been exhausted for days

But I’ve surpassed the breaking point

And instead of breaking I am laughing

I’m sleeping in and making a chai latte and sitting down with my late work

And I’m watching Ghibli movies with my cat on my lap

And I’m snuggling my dog in bed

This is what growing up looks like

This is what exhaustion looks like

[undergoingrenovations]

Though my mind knows we weren’t good together

My heart is still healing

She still misses you

She sees you in the faces of strangers after my mind says they’re pretty

She thinks about you during every movie

She wonders about your new life

She misses your family

She dreams about you

She aches in my chest at every thought of you

One day she will learn and move on

Until then I beg of you

Release her

[undergoingrenovations]

I cried at work today

I’ve been told that I cry easy

I don’t know why I do I just do

A very old man scolded me for taking advantage of my mothers generosity

I clenched my jaw, not sure what to do

My job is one of service

If I speak out I will punish the business

But I’ve spent my life clenching my jaw

Biting my tongue, swallowing my words

My mother stood beside me

I turned around before the tears could well enough to fall

I spent the rest of the day working where no one could see me

Looking in mirrors

I used to think I was a very ugly crier

I used to think I was very ugly

How strange to think I am beautiful

When I’m doing something I was always punished for

[undergoingrenovations]

Last year on your birthday we had been dating for seven months

I still loved you more than your flaws

And I wanted to embroider a beanie for you with a small ferret wearing a party hat

I had never embroidered before then

But I tried for hours at a time, getting it wrong, pricking myself, cutting myself

The beanie looked like a mess and it wasn’t even finished

You came over and I showed you my hands and my shame and I said “it’s not ready yet but it’s coming and I love you”

You smiled and said “I love you and I’ll wait”

I never finished the beanie

This year on your birthday it’s three months since we broke up

And I finally put the beanie in the closet with your other things

[undergoingrenovations]

You’ve been on my mind a lot lately

I thought I was done dreaming of you

I was so relieved

But then you started doing and saying things

And I’d wake up crying

They weren’t malicious; they were intimate

I wish you’d hit me instead

But you hug me and kiss me and tell me you’re sorry

I hate it

I hate you

[undergoingrenovations]

I don’t remember who you were anymore

Were you cruel or were you kind

I haven’t figured out yet that people can be both

[undergoingrenovations]

It’s been three months (and some change)

My body no longer dreams of you

Occasionally a man will still come

He does not look like you

He does not sound like you

But there’s an invisible name tag that labels him as you

And that’s all you are now

A phantom; a ghost

I don’t remember who you are anymore

I don’t want to anymore, either

[undergoingrenovations]

I used to long for the forests in the west

I always knew I wanted to go there

To escape there

To build a new life

And for a brief moment I did

One month, one summer

I loved it

And I loved him

And now that he’s gone

That’s where he’s fled to

And I no longer long for the forests

They make my stomach churn

Like the sound of his name

[undergoingrenovations]

My cousin visited recently

He is twenty five, and I am eighteen

When I was a child I was fascinated with him

I still am

Because he is kind, and soft spoken, and interested in everyone

Something I am not used to from my family, or my extended family

They are loud, crude, often insensitive

He is quiet, but not boring

He was here for two days

The first night I went with my siblings

And we drank and laughed and had cake

The second night I went because he had asked me to

“Don’t come for the dinner, but come anyway”

I was tired but I went

By myself

For him

And we didn’t talk much at all, but sat next to each other

Both of us listening, interested in what the others had to say

[undergoingrenovations]

I hated where I grew up

When I was growing up there

I yearned for the ocean, for the thick, green forests

For the moss covered trees, the dirt paths lined with ferns, the cloudy days

For the people, who would have the same opinions as me

I swore I would shake my hometown when I left

But the other day a new friend mentioned my brashness

The way I’m not afraid to tell people how they are

The way I’ll put myself through unnecessary hardships for the comfort of someone doing me a favor

The way I’ll do any work thrown at me in whatever I’m wearing

I don’t wash my shoes when they get dirty

I just wipe the mud off outside the front door

It is part of me

The grooves worn in me from the rural farm town

I’m beginning to prefer the wheat fields over the ocean

I belong to the hills

[undergoingrenovations]

It doesn’t hurt to see you anymore

You’re a stranger beside me

I’ve forgotten your face

It means nothing

But the memories prevail

The ghost of you stays

[undergoingrenovations]

God told me to come out to my parents.

I asked him, “why? Why now, how do I even do that? Why?”

And he said,

“Because I made you this way. You are beautiful this way.”

…

That was the last time I ever talked to him.

I don’t go to church, or pray, or read the bible

But I’m hesitant to say I don’t believe

I don’t believe that God is a white man with a white beard

I don’t believe that he is full of wrath

I hate all of his followers

But I don’t hold contempt for him

He’s like an old friend that way

I don’t resent you

But I can’t stay with you anymore

I must grow apart from you

[undergoingrenovations]

I spend all my time forgetting about you

How can I say I don’t love you

What greater act of devotion is there