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want to cling to this feeling forever!

So I should be doing my law readings or something productive.

But I’m going to take 5 minutes to document this feeling I’m feeling. This peace, this contentment, this happiness. I know it could be destroyed even the next morning, but I want to document it so that when I’m lost, lonely and feel like I have nothing, I can run back to this space and try to get back to the feeling I’m feeling now.

My anxiety was pretty bad today. I felt distracted and didn’t get much done. A multitude of feelings and thoughts darted through my head. I just couldn’t shake the overwhelming anxiety of potentially being fired or losing a student at work, of doing the wrong degree, feeling inadequate in my studies and how I use my free time, potentially being single for the rest of my life (the list grew and grew). I was getting chest pains and I was slowly getting back into the bad headspace that I’ve been trying to avoid. What’s the point of all this?

I dragged myself along to church. The sermon was Matthew 6. And guess what Jesus told me: do not worry. He didn’t tell me just once, he told me this morning when I was teaching the exact verse in Sunday school. Stepping back from it all, it’s funny how I was teaching kids not to worry when I was committing that very sin. I don’t think God could have been any clearer. 'Enough is enough!’ I can imagine Jesus saying, ‘Georgia, I died for you, I’ve paid your debt, I’ve given you eternal life, and you believe in what I’ve done for me. So please, let go of everything. Surrender it all. Trust in me completely. Your heavenly father provides for the lowest of the lowest; the plants, the bugs and other insignificant animals. So Georgia, I’d really like for you to trust completely in me. Cling to my promise. If I provide for all the plants, all the animals, how much more will I provide for you? You little of faith.”

And that’s exactly what it is. I proclaim to love my amazing God, but don’t trust him with my life. He and he alone has given me new life, eternal life, an inheritance that will never spoil, perish or fade. I get to be raised wit the Son on high, I can to share in His unfathomable righteousness. And I don’t deserve any of it, but I get it all through price. What a gift.

And right now, by God’s grace. I feel at peace. I feel his eternal love. I feel his eternal provision. I feel his presence. I know exactly where I’m going. I know right now and for the next 60 or so years on this (God willing) exactly why I’m here, where I’m going. I know my purpose. My purpose is both one of the simplest and hardest things to fulfil. I want to finish the race God has set for me. I want to be steadfast in the faith He has given me. I want to grow in Him, love Him, tell others of Him and live a life that reflects Him.

So to future Georgia. You’re probably paralysed with fear and anxiety at the moment. Even though God is sad that you are and that you aren’t trusting in Him, He still loves you. He’s died for all of it; all the lies, anger, jealously, discontentment, all the hurt you’ve inflicted, all the anxiety and fear. He’s died for you. And He loves you forever. His love doesn’t change. Every day His love is there waiting for you to be showered in. He wants you to come running back to Him every single second of every single day.

Georgia, God hears your desires, He knows your needs. But guess what, your God is so high above you that you can’t even fathom Him. And that’s amazing. Your God is so amazing and so big. And so, Your God knows what you really need. He knows what way is best. He knows it all and fits You into His ENORMOUS plan for everyone on earth. So don’t stop trusting in Him. Don’t stop trusting in Him if he doesn’t give you a career you like. Don’t stop trusting Him if you don’t do well at uni. Don’t stop trusting him if you don’t have an amazing CV. Don’t stop trusting him if your job isn’t ‘good’. Don’t stop trusting Him if you’re single for the rest of your life. But trust that Your amazing, sovereign God high above your little head knows exactly what He’s doing for your life. He knew it from the beginning of time, He knew it before you were born. Nothing catches Him by surprise. He’s working all things for Your good and the good of those who love Him. Your ‘good’ may not exactly coincide with what God’s ‘good’ is. And that’s to be expected because You’re a sinner and God is God; perfect, blameless, holy, powerful and all-loving.

Georgia, remember where your loyalties lie. Your loyalties do not lie with your uni marks, your CV, your job, your career, your achievements. Your loyalties lie with your servant King, the blameless lamb who died for you. Pray every day that God, through His Spirit, would re-adjust your heart so that it would realign with your true loyalties: Christ and His cause.

Pray every day that He would give you the strength to finish the race that He has already won, to keep finding the inexpressible joy and peace and comfort that you felt when you wrote this post.

Life’s all about the One who saves. Never forget it!

#rant #good rant

not even sure

I'm on the verge of tears. I'm anxious. I feel physically sick. And all of this sounds heaps dramatic. And yes, when you write it on paper, it is melodramatic. But it sure doesn't feel that way when you're actually living it.

I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss him every day. He may not have been a 'best friend' but he was my best friend. He didn't satisfy the traditional requirement of a best friend; I hadn't known him for 5 years. But he was my best friend. He was the closest friend I had that was a Christian (apart from my sister). He was my confidant. Even though he didn't 'get' me as well as other people, he got me pretty well. We both loved God and that gave us a deep spiritual bond. I miss that.

I miss having someone who always looked out for me. I miss my boyfriend. I miss him so much.

I don't want to hide the tears, I don't want to pretend I don't feel anything, because I do everyday and it hurts everyday. I miss my awkward boyfriend who loved God so much and shaped his life around Him. I miss how he cared for me. I miss debating with him. I miss talking to him. I miss doing life with him. I miss hanging with him. I miss the butterflies I always got upon meeting him. I'm going to miss getting lunch at uni with him. I'm going to miss the small talk. I'm going to miss reading the bible together. I'm going to miss how he didn't look down on me, despite him knowing a lot about the bible. I'm going to miss how much he valued what I thought.

I'll never know what would have happened if I hadn't broken up with him. I'll never know what kissing him would've been like, what moving out of the honey moon period would have been like with him. I'll never know.

It still hurts so much. Every minute I have to fight off the urge to message him or call him and tell him how much I miss him. I don't even want an answer. I just want to tell him how I feel. I'm still adjusting to him not knowing how I'm feeling, how I'm going.

I don't have a plan for the near future. I don't feel like having a plan. I feel sick and sad, but I know my loving God is watching me, sustaining me, guiding me through it. I know my God won't forsake me. I know my identity is in Christ. I know my destination is heaven. I know the Spirit, by God's grace, is transforming me as we speak (praise God!).

Although I don't feel these things now, I know in time my God will renew my passion for Him. All I can do is keep clinging to the cross, to my God. All I can do is keep trusting in Him. Because I'm sad and everything feels unsteady.

#rant

humoristics

ahrealm0nster-deactivated202302

I will never not reblog this.

-onyourknees-deactivated2015010

oh….. my god

toni-hiatus

fuCK;;

forever90s

catvalentine

humanity is the problem. we are not the solution.

we're all equal in our sins. we cannot judge one another, we are not better than anyone.

the only solution is Christ

a ramble

ok so from now on im going to use this blog for good - for me to reflect on when im old and grey and where small ipod devices roam the earth, enslaving mankind. all i wish to do is comment on life in general. that's all im asking here.

so today i learnt that it's really easy to get caught up in all that society deems we should pursue and prioritise. it's too easy to jettison what you're truly passionate in place a passion that you're told you should be passionate about. ok so this is a first world problem, but half will tell you to do what you want, the other tacitly tell you to strive to be something great like a doctor.

so naturally ive fallen hostage to the very nauseating mindset of always striving to be the absolute best i can be, always trying to be better than others. sometimes i get so absorbed by it that i spend every waking moment trying to invent myself into something im not. i constantly doubt what im doing with my life; i constantly ask myself: if x is studying medicine, should i?

in a world devoid of societal norms, expectations and all the associated shit, id want to be some kind of environmental policy maker/lawyer. that's what im trying to be anyway, but the fact is, like some sort of addiction, i obsess over the fact that the job security is no where near as good as medicine.

ok ive grown weary but we are a peculiar race; although we have empathy and love, we constantly choose on a day-to-day basis to focus on furthering our own needs when we are already assuming very privileged positions.

confused and tired,

#dearme

A rant!

So I realised something yesterday. I realised the reason why there's minimal drama in my life, why I'm quite content with my life and not constantly looking for something better; it's because I have God in my life.

I'm sure heaps of people have said the same thing. I remember reading about peoples' testimonies and thought it was absolute rubbish. I'm a very logical person; I generally deem stuff that I can't readily prove/provide evidence for pure rubbish. In this sense I'm not readily open to ideas that aren't black and white and that don't make much scientific sense.

I'm not sure when it was; I don't think it can be pinpointed to a specific date, a week etc, but at some point, God softened my heart to his Word, through the Holy Spirit. There is no worldly explanation that can account for why I became convicted. It defies worldly sense. And that's what God is; He is apart from this world, and so His acts sometimes do not coincide with this world. What He did to me was no exception. My heart used to be so entrenched within this world. Because of this, I was convinced that life meaning could only be derived by worldly things, the things I was constantly and directly surrounded by. This makes sense rationally, and so, it was only natural for me to believe that life meaning was derived from relationships with others, meaning, that when I learnt that no one was perfect and at the end of the day people would continue to fail me and I would simultaneously fail others, I basically felt shit for a long period of time. I felt depressed. I'd have waves of happiness when friendships were going well, and then waves of immense, irrational grief when they weren't going according to how I wanted them to eventuate.

I was also hardened towards what the bible has to say on a lot of issues, like homosexuality. Which again, made sense, because my morals had been derived from the world around me; gay rights and pro-choice activism has become so strong. Hence, I naturally agreed with what the bible had to say on the vast majority of things; like what constitutes sin, and morality. But no matter how hard I wrestled with it, I could not accept that what God had to say about homosexuality for example, constituted the truth. I vividly remember having countless arguments with Christians, who I'd counter their bible centred arguments with logic and worldly morality. I'd end up merely becoming more confused because the bible continued to prove to be so anti-cultural, so against what was deemed 'right' in the world. I remember thinking Christians were so ignorant for allowing a mere book to shape their lives, because it seemed so irrational, so illogical.

But for no logical reason whatsoever, I became convicted that the bible was God's truth. What continues to amaze me today is that there is no rational explanation for why my heart softened, because my mind and heart was so entrenched in logic and science. It's God's work. God had softened my heart to His word, He has opened my eyes. It wasn't the work of any persuasive Christian (although in retrospect, God did work through some of my friends and my sister, which I think was part of His plan). God worked through the world; people, books etc, to deliver His will. And since then, there's no going back for me.

I've been convicted that the bible is the truth and the only truth. I believe that through God's amazing, amazing grace, Jesus died on the cross for our sins so that we can be forgiven for our perpetual flaws. Through God, we're no longer slaves to our sin, no longer bound to our pain, our envy, our greed, our immorality; our fate is no longer being consumed by the world and all its flaws. Our hearts have been set free; we know that there is a sovereign God that is more important than life itself and is working through all things to bring about His will. We know that each of our trials, our tribulations, our pains, our sins, are part of God's plan. I think that's incredible; we suffer because it brings about God's plans, and more directly, so that we can grow, so that we can learn, so that we can ultimately see, by comparison, God's amazing grace and love for us. After all, it is only from the darkness that we can truly see God's light.

I used to continually question the point of suffering and the brokenness of our world, but after reading the bible and learning, it makes sense now. I just think it's amazing. As part of God's creation, we have no right to question his plans, and we can currently never comprehend the totality of His intentions. But the fact that God uses everything; the good and the bad , to bring about his will just amazes me.

Despite the progress I've made with my relationship with God, there's still a ridiculous amount to be done. There's so much I don't know about Him that he's allowed us to know (through the bible) and I can't wait to learn more about everything. I'm currently not going to church, mainly because of my social awkwardness but I hope and pray that God will fill me with the courage to start going soon.

What I'm saying is that God is lifechanging. He moves the mountains. No other being can. He has drastically changed my life, my values, my attitude, everything. Obviously all Christians continue to sin and continue to struggle with sin and pain and envy and immorality etc. But what changes is your attitude. With God, you'll no longer be consumed by the finite things of the world. By God's will, your struggles can be overcome, and your mindset to life can be changed. I'm definitely so much more positive towards life and the people around me.

Anyways this has been an essay, and I don't assume to accurately know God, but I thank him for the paradoxically simple but amazing thing of allowing me to follow Him, to accept that the bible is His truth and the truth of the world, and softening my heart. This is one of the greatest miracles of life and I think it is absolutely amazing.

#rant #Rant n Rave