[undyinglovers]

July 8th 2019 4:52am

Hi everyone ! I’ve been gone for awhile. Ill start back up on posts soon! I was recovering from my eating disorder and depression. I needed time for my mental health. Recovery is really hard I’ve struggled for a few years. It’s really hard to talk about and in all means I dont want pitty I just want others who are stuggling to know it gets better and to please reach out for help. I want them to know they arent alone. I’ve relapsed a few times. I’ve been a bit down again but I’m making it through! Just know in the end it is worth it. Reach out for help, it’s going to be hard. I will say of course you will still struggle but I’m way happier now than I was before :) stay strong everyone

[undyinglovers]

September 24th 11:05pm

- trigger warning. Eating disorder -

Words made me strave myself till my bones stuck out

Everything around me was crumbling

This was the only thing I had control over

Social media standards made me feel bad about myself

The constant pinching at my skin

Weighing myself multiple times a day

Measuring my wrists, my thighs, my waist

I looked at myself in the mirror

All I saw was fat, flaws

My nose is big, my forehead is huge

You’re disgusting the voice whispered to me

There was this heavy weight on my shoulders

An imaginary person following you

Made up of all your insecurites, darkest thoughts

You wish you could sew it all up and be thinner

I skipped many meals

I would chew gum and drink water to feel full

Horrible methods I saw in movies, online

I would faint a lot, be so sick I couldn’t get out of bed

Nothing made me want to get better

I got down to 80 pounds, I was so happy with my progress

I wanted to lose more

You look good, I was told

You’re hot now, Some boys said

Everyone noticed me now

They thought I was beautiful

Skinny is good I would think

I beat myself up over the tinest things

Dressed up, did my makeup

Anything for them to like me

- self abuse

Please if you are stuggling with an eating disorder or depression reach out for help

Do not do this to yourself

Reach out to family, friends, hotlines, doctors

Message me if you need someone

[undyinglovers]

September 24th 2018 4:00am

- trigger warning. Sexual abuse / rape -

The room is closing in again

My fists clenched, my body is lifeless

I cannot breathe, my sight weakens

This can’t be happening

I begged for you to stop, however the more I plead the more angry you grew

Your teeth clenched

We talked about this. Girls are supposed to do this, it’s only natural. Men have their needs. Stop fussing you’re being ridiculous. You’re nothing but a slut. Only I’ll love you, who else would?

Your words scrambled in my head

I laid there

No thought crossed my mind

No bone in my body would move

You turned to lock the door with a smirk

You grisped my wrists tight behind my back

Using a belt to secure them

This hurts

It felt like a million needles have been digging at my skin

My body was on fire

My stomach sank

Your father came home

You quickly stopped

I have to use the bathroom, I was barley able to form those words

I sat on the floor crying

I laid there counting them one by one

My stomach didn’t feel right

But this is normal right? This was love?

Does your mother know you are a monster?

How can you face others with that smile

You brought me to your room sat me on the bed

Wait here

I don’t know what you went to do but the seconds felt like hours

I was beaten into the thought this is what i deserved, this is how I'm supposed to be loved.

I didn’t want to do it when you got back

You threw something towards me, slamming the door

You started to guilt tripping me

You pulled down your pants, grabbing my head forcing me to go down

I felt sick

When you were done you got up and went to play games

Leaving me there in your room

My body was tingling, not in a good way

Tears ran down my cheeks

I fiddled with my hands and counted my toes

Anything to not think

An hour passed you told me to make you food

You never once showed me love

You didn’t hold my hand, only grisped my wrist

I wasn’t ever given a passionate kiss only forceful ones with your tongue shoved down my throat as I tried to pull away

I wasn’t shown kindness

How did I end up here

My bones shattered at your weight

My true self was gone

- How could you

[undyinglovers]

Steptember 24th 2018 3:30am

-trigger warning. Abusive relationship -

You are torns

You are broken glass

How dumb could I be

You set a bear trap and I stepped right in

You kissed me forcefully as I repeated no

You tasted like salt when I wished for sugar

You planted seeds in me

They grew like flowers, the kind with torns

They intangled my organs slowly suffocating me

I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t breathe

Your weight on me was unbearable

You could hear my bones crack

One by one by one

You bruised me

You raised your hand whenever I disagreed

Yes, I learned

Don’t talk back, do as he says you won’t get hurt, smile so no one knows

Your touch were needles to me, digging deep into my skin

Your voice left me quivering

Your eyes had this look that made me fear for my life

I kept hoping for sugar

You poured salt straight into my wounds, laughing

Your grip hurt, I couldn’t move

I deserve this, I thought

This is how relationships are, I repeated to myself

I made sure the world thought we were happy

I was meant to be a sunflower, tall and bright

You wilted me into the ground, my petals fell

You made sure nothing was left

I finally escaped you

I didn’t deserve this, this isn’t how relationships should be

I thought if I ever saw you again I would be fine

I was wrong

Peoples touches made me tremble

Being loved terrified me

What if it all happens again?

What if he leaves me?

What if I’m not good enough?

I saw you at the store

My knees gave out

Memories flooded back

I shook like an earthquake

My tears fell heavy like a storm

You left bruises on me

-abuse

[undyinglovers]

- February 10th 2018 3:42 pm - a message for my love you are perfect to me the way your eyes light up the way you sometimes curl your nose out of habit how your smile forms with that one little dimple the way you laugh how when you see me you become speechless when you roll your eyes but smile at my jokes the way you sing to songs even if you don’t know the words the way you get excited over the things you love how you care so much for me no matter what you do you will always be perfect to me the way you hold my hand keeping me close to you when I met you I was imeditally interested in learning about you and your life I felt so open and connected with you like I could be myself you were the first person to care about me to keep checking in on me to listen to me stay up late till i fell asleep to your voice each day passed and my love for you would grow stronger I fell for you, your little habits the little things you do I never knew I could love someone so much to love your voice, your touch your nose your eyes your smile just everything you were / still are my first love you calm me so easily making me smile when I didn’t think I would making me laugh so hard till my sides hurt no one has done this to me you have this magic effect on me causing butterflies and a blushed face I light up when I talk about you feel this feeling I’ve never felt all warm and fuzzy as my heart beats super fast making me the happiest girl bettering me as a person I can’t wait to live with you wake up to you with messy hair and slurred words to create a home with the love of my life we talk about our future marriage and to have a family I really hope this happens for I can’t see myself with anyone else I wouldn’t want anyone else my love only you I’m in love with you and please don’t ever leave I need you I promise to always love you to always care for you to support you I will make sure you are always the happiest I promise to give you my all no matter what happens I will always be yours through the rough patches through the good ones through everything I will always be yours and we will do this together I will never give up on you thank you for always being there thank you for everything you have done for me I love you

[undyinglovers]

~ December 13th 2017 1:20am ~ your scent lingers in the sheets, as our hands intertwin, it’s a masterpiece we can create your hands in my hair, soft spoken words as the coffee brews I want to see your rosy cheeks and eyes glimmer in the sunlight during the morning shut me up, pin me down, kiss me, make me forget the world exists hold me tight against your body so I can hear the sound of your beating heart to see you get out of bed in the morning how bright your skin glows stretches and messy hair watch you get dressed as you are still so drowsy on a Friday see your smile and how it curls, the little dimple that forms how you bite your lip as you stare at me I want nothing more than to create a home with you be complete and experince everyday with the love of my life you are the only thing and everything I need

[undyinglovers]

this one is a bit more serious and something I have never said out loud ~ October 23rd 2017 2:41am ~ There is a guy that have stuck feelings in me. bad feelings. someone who told me what to wear and what to say. How to look how to smile. Made me feel awful when I said no. Touched me in places and forced me to touch them. Leaving those thoughts in my head. I was told its what they wanted that mattered most. Some told me it's what I deserved. I was stupid enough to stay. I was afraid of what they would do if i left. They shoved words down the throat. The thought of him terrified me. I saw him so often only cause they made me. To have my mouth covered and pushed down being touched in places i wished not to be touched. Faking the faces and moans like the girls in the videos you watched. Saying yes so quickly when you asked if I liked it only because I knew if i hesitated for one moment I would regret it. It was almost as if my respond was rehearsed. Feeling your hand grib around my arm as you pushed me out of anger as I held my tears back. You terrified me. You gave me bruises and i said that was my own fault if i was questioned. I yelled back so quickly that he loved me when I truly didn't only because I was told to. At first it was innocent and nice till time passed and you knew I was wrapped around your finger. You knew you had me. I didn't speak unless spoken to. I stood up straight and stayed by your side as told. you never told me you loved me unless I said it first. you never complimented me. the only words that stuck were good girl as you held me down so tight I couldn't breath. I laid there lifeless hoping it would stop soon. I never lost my virginity to you and for that I am grateful. You hurt me and now when I am truly loved it feels odd. I finally left you and I could finally breathe. I now date the man of my dreams. But now sometimes things he does brings me back to thoughts of you so I cannot truly enjoy myself yet. You still haunt my dreams. Ruin touches and moments. Ruin my favorite places. But you are no longer with me and for that I am grateful. I am grateful i now have a man who loves me for me. respects me and never pushes. Wants to see me do good in the world. But I am a victim of sexual and emotional assault. But I am strong. I can now breathe. I now have a man of my dreams. But you still left your marks behind in me.

[undyinglovers]

~ october 14th 2017 3:39am ~ I was a flower and you were a shadow I trusted you for you but I did not know you would make me wilt you seemed nice but it was only a disguise at first I grew but was entangled with your toxicity winding up in the wrong places feeling small you made me feel bad when I said no and did things I never knew a human like you could do You seemed so kind but I ignored your sly grin and the darkness in your eyes I thought the love you gave me was the love I deserved, I believed you you took advantage of that over the years I began to lose petals Stuck behind your shadow I thought you were truly the one till you grew bigger and i fell lower you fed me with lies but at the time I thought they were true. You hurt me and used me wrapped me around your finger left scars no one could see I began to hate how small i felt I met the sun I grew towards the sun trying to recover the self i left behind as the sun kept a grip on tight For the sun helps grow and loves me I have now learned that I am stronger than you and I shall never let a shadow grow above me again

[undyinglovers]

~ October 14th 2017 3:13 am ~ why do my insides feel warm and fuzzy like being wrapped in a million blankets butterflies swarming, face bright red how do you do this my heart has never beat this fast just from a laugh how can a smile be so contagious a simple hello brings butterflies you cheer me up before i can even say a word making me laugh so hard tears begin to fall I can’t help but stare and i know you have noticed. I want to tangle my fingers in your hair and kiss you goodnight to hear nothing more than for you to say you’re mine kiss your lips against mine in bed skin to skin and fill the air with laughter palms together and finger intertwined you are one strange human being and i can’t help but love you

[undyinglovers]

- October 6th 2017 4:32pm - Today I'm nervous, just like any other day. I woke up feeling anxious. My mind was floating away like a balloon in the sky I was the kid chasing after it. I remine myself that it's okay to be nervous. Breathe. Anxiety has ruined birtday parties, shopping, social events. It has ruined my life my being. It's constant pressure around me. There's this person on my shoulders that tells me things that stirs up my anxiety. My heart races, my foot taps. Anxiety you cannot do this. I push through. I enjoy the day and I feel great. Anxiety cannot control you. Anxiety cannot let you not enjoy things. Anxiety can be controlled. Took me 8 years to learn. It's okay to be nervous. It all happens. When you wake up do not search to see if it is there. Instead wake up, breathe, enjoy breakfast, sit outside. Do not ask how you feel today. for anyone who is depressed, anxious, lonely, suffering from eating disorders. anything. message me. I am there. we can talk about conspiracy theories, flowers, animals, tea, or anything. you are strong

[undyinglovers]

Hello, I am so sorry I’ve been away. Needed a break to clear my mind. I’m going to change the theme to more calm bright colors. To be a little more happy than my dark purple theme.

• September 10th 2017 • The sun came through the glass one spring morning. The best kind of mornings. When the sun made me morning dew on the window sparkle. The birds were singing and the wind made me windchimes dance. I pressed my hands against the glass to feel the warmth of the sun’s kiss. I’m learning to be more positive. I used to wake up and block the sun out. Tuning the birds morning song out. I used to hate mornings. But I am learning to love them. I am feelings more myself once I’ve become more positive. Feeling comfortable in my skin. I used to want to tear out of my skin feeling like a abnormal soul in some body. I’m learning to love every freckle, every mole, every mark on myself. Loving the snow white color and ocean blue eyes. I will still have battles with myself, everyone does. However, with me learning to love everything a little bit more, I will be kind to myself, I will open my emotions up, and I will try to understand more before getting frustrated. Truly becoming one with myself and becoming at ease.

[undyinglovers]

- February 14th 2017 1:31am - nights like this i get sadder by the moment my heart is hard to understand the world is growing mad my brain is screaming for help and i cant fucking reach out to anyone who will simply just understand i cant understand this place i cant wake up from myself i cant escape this prison i call my body my skin is holding me down i cant rip it out i want to sed my skin but i cannnot this body is not mine its too fat and full of lies the constant whispers and posion left in my blood are growing louder by every minute of this place i cannot grab onto the thought of everything going on around me and nothing makes sense

[undyinglovers]

-February 4th 2017 3:44am - your smile has faded and your face is no longer bright you fill the night with tear drops in your eyes peoples world have cut like knives deep into your heart carving you out as they want you to be you hang over, upside down at the crowd of shadows to make them all weep and frown wishing only they could feel this sorrow you curled down tight deep into the night fading away into the sky you covered the stars to make the night dark, wishing only they could feel your pain you made them frown and turned their lives upside down, wishing they could feel the torture they weeped and screamed and you wished if only you can make your pain leave your heart was sad and you never felt glad till you met the shinning lover He stood up tall with love in his arms grabbing you tight and close your body turned warm and you face glew bright for your happiness with brought back to life you freed the souls you trapped in your sky and wished for love all around you and him became shinning stars giving light to those in the dark.

- Side note, im almost at 11,000! how did this happen so quick? thank you all so so much for supporting me and my writing! i love you all so much im so thankful for each and one of you-

[undyinglovers]

Sorry i havent posted in awhile but im trying to come back -December 30th 2016 3:19am- My body is turning into the earth. My eyes are the galaxy. It holds stars and memories. My skin is the snow. Pale and soft, but can be very cold. My heart is a flower always growing but will wilt till its brought back. My mouth is a rose soft and beautiful, but can leave pricks. My hands are the sun for i will give life and warmth. Even though i am becoming the earth there are disasters. People around me are hurricanes, tornados. There are different types. Some will be a hurricane trying to drown you and pull you out to the lonely dark sea, making you feel scared and alone. Others are tornados, powerful, destroying everything it touches making you feel torn apart and empty. But darling you are apart of this world and everything comes back up. A picked flower grows back. A cut down tree grows back stronger. The world will come back, so will you. Come back stornger and stornger each time.

[undyinglovers]

- October 24th 2016 12:24am - In a small dark little room i found comfort. The comfort of darkness and silence holding me tight. The way the sun would sometimes sneak in reaching for me gave me a warm heart, as i thought even the sun distanced for me. However, that little room became all i knew for almost 3 years, for i was terrified of whats on the other side. When i stepped out longing for warmth, people with smiling masks stared. All pretending to fit in and wonder. They were all the same, terrifed of the other side of the closed door, yet longing for the warm embrace of a warm body. As i wondered this place of long faces i began to feel small. For nothing seemed normal size, it all grew so tall. I got this feeling of whispers and tears. I sat down, frozen in time as people walked on by as i cried begging for a warm touch. As i panicked i looked up to see, you with a loving face just there looking at me. For i felt chills as my heart ran fast. I knew you were the warm body i was looking for. We got closer as the color of the world grew brighter, you showed me a new world that i have never dreamed of. You made me smile and made me laugh, when you kissed me that moment will last, in my heart and mind forever in time for its a moment i cannot forget. Your lips on mine were warm and gave me tingles. I wanted to kiss you forever. You pulled me close as your face got blushy. You were the one from the moment i saw you. You were my warm body i searched for. For you are..my only love in this world, my dear that will never change. Please dont let the world swallow us. You were the suns kiss, the loving boy. Oh how...i love you so.

[undyinglovers]

- October 15th 2016 5:52pm - I woke up to the smell of you with your hair spread across the pillow. Your face so peaceful and your lip randomly moving. The bed with filled with warmth from you. You make everything feel so warm and calm. You touched my heart when i thought it could never be warm again , when all i saw was grey.. you made me see color as soon as i saw you. I saw the world in a whole new way. You made my heartbeat settle and my body warm. You kissed my lips and gave me life. Yours were so soft against mine. Sparks flew and with my eyes closed i saw reds and pinks. I felt my whole body go numb but warm. You gave me life. I love you my dear Always keep me warm and i shall give you everything.

[undyinglovers]

-September 28th 2016 10:26pm- screamed your name at the top of my lungs and filled my heart with smoke. You were no where in sight with not a single doubt on your mind. I always loved you and will continue to but you werent there for me. Your voice on the other line makes my heart skip beats over time. I locked myself away when you told me you would never be mine. You grab me and pulled me close i never knew who was behind those eyes. I kissed your cheek as you said goodbye. I never knew that would be the last time.