pretty little life

[unepetitefig]

5.3.26

It’s windy and a little chilly out but I’m outside, smoking my cigarette. No one to call. M is asleep. Should I call someone else? Rach is offline. I’m not sure Midge wouldnt stress me out. Diana? I dont know why but I feel weird? Cassandra? What would we talk about? There’s fear on those fringes. And I hate that. Cause there’s also gold there. Why am I so averse to good things lately? 

me and M talked about this last night - i've never felt crazier than I do these days - knowing what will help me but building barriers to get to it. it's all stupid.

now that today was my last day at acme, what do I do with myself? will I fall into the pit of despair again? LOL. at least i'll be able to sleep and get high in peace. (I guess. is this peace? is getting high really being at peace? hahahha. maybe i'll continue to be poor and sad.)

I'm gonna try to go to a coffee shop. the peekskill coffee house 1 x a week. maybe. if I can muster up the courage. (what's wrong with me?)

anyway. here I am (now inside). maybe ill get high. maybe I'll watch euphoria. maybe i'll do my nails. tomorrow's garbage day.

and monday.

another fucking week.

don't get me wrong - I dont hate it. I loooooove the stability of it. I love being told that i'm a good worker. but I gotta find something. something else that fills the holes. that doesn't require lots of money. that I wanna get up and do. pray for me (in a non religious way to a god of your choice).

[unepetitefig]

4.30.25. part deux

and one more thing: I don't think of him because I miss him.

I think I just miss our friendship sometimes.

a stupid meme he'd remember. a point in time M wasn't around for. no one else was around for, actually. just him.

maybe the end of that was the start of my undoing.

I can't help but want to go back with a microscope and look at myself to see what I was thinking.

not even him. not even his feelings. me.

but was I just surviving then too? was it the same patterns at jobs and with motivation? with emotions?

I mean, I know it was worse because I was unmedicated.

I just wish someone could look at me and tell me what's wrong. tell me the secret ingredient i'm missing. what's changed (other than everything).

am I a good person? or when I looked away that time in grand central when he fell, was that who I was becoming? someone who looks away instead of running towards the hurt?

he hurt me. he broke me. he didn't care. he betrayed and abandoned and made me feel like it was all my fault.

she was a fucking bitch to me every chance she got, but I still look up her profile from time to time hoping (just an ounce) that she's ok. because I knew she was fucked up and would probably be alone because of it. she pushed people away, including me, and I still somehow care.

what the fuck is wrong with me? hahaha. to feel pity for people who treated you like shit? what kind of mental illness is THAT?

sometimes I miss who I used to be and I guess that's tied up in bits of him.

I just don't know that I was ever happy? and am I happy now? is this happy? yes, but with a strong chaser of boredom and fatigue and not feeling like an exposed nerve. it's calmer and more comfortable. it's pushed down eye rolls and "ok's." it's burying the hurt that other people do to you when you're feeling golden and at your brightest. it's looking away when your best friends leave you out without even noticing. it's doing what you have to do and not tattletaleing on the 20somethings who are fucking around. it's saying sorry (a lot) because that's corporate courtesy. it's never feeling good enough wayyyy in the back of your mind but also not caring. not really. not anymore, at least. it's trying to feel something everyday and sometimes never succeeding, but those scars stick around. it's dampened feelings of grandeur. it's amazon when you really wanted anthropologie. it's "do they like me?" and maybe caring. maybe not. cause I don't even know if I like me, so I guess it doesn't matter.

maybe this is just a growing period. though what i'm growing towards, I couldn't tell you.

I'm somehow less nice. and I care less. and I just wish I knew what it was all for.

[unepetitefig]

4.30.2026

I think I need to get back into journaling. everyday? will I stick to anything I ever say i'll do?

but I feel like this is for my mental health. or maybe just to keep my sanity.

when i'm sitting in the back smoking a cigarette (or 2 like I did today. what does it matter?) I try to think. I try to see what i'm feeling. a lot of the time it just feels like "ahhhhh" or "la la la" or "grrr."

there are some days when I wake up and I feel every bad thing that's every happened to me repeating in my brain.

I take too many sick days because mentally i'm just not in it.

thank god I'm bored but there is also fear on the fringes.

loneliness. boredom. wanting to feel something that i'm not sure I can anymore?

my friends dont hit or, worse, make me feel lonely. I have all this time to do and be other things but not an ounce of motivation in my body to make it happen.

will it even make me happy? is my heart even gonna be in it? am I not even good enough for it?

and then there's the bipolar. is this still ruling my life even though I'm medicated and "functioning"? or is this a result of that?

I teeter totter between giving up smoking and edibles and eating my feelings and then the next day i'm bored and just want to feel something.

I don't think that i'm bad but I dont feel good. i'm no longer a gold star student - which I guess i'm ok with most days, but other days it bothers me. but I wholely don't care all at the same time.

I'm perpetually fighting myself. and I don't know if this is normal or my illness. (lol, "my illness").

how does one create excitement again? or am I not meant to experience those highs anymore? maybe this is how regular people feel?

right now, I just don't care. you couldn't make me care. maybe for like $25K. maybe if my caring would DO something. but it doesn't. caring a lot doesn't mean there won't be negatives. it doesn't mean good things. and i've made peace with that. but I also don't understand what it means i'm supposed to do next.

will talking about it help me? will solving people's problems around me help me? sure, it's something to do but does it matter?

I feel like more and more I just don't understand how the world works. I mean, I get that it's not meant to be in my favor ever. but it's just weird to finally accept it all and say, "well."

I just had my yearly review and it went amazingly. better than I could have imagined. but if I didn't bring up a raise they wouldn't have even asked for one.

and even though they asked for one it doesn't mean that i'm going to get anything good.

and just because I took a sick day that somehow is a "bad look."

I'm just over it. what about when I came back to work 3 days after my appendix surgery? did I get a gold fucking star for that? no. but somehow lynn in fucking the UK who knows 3 things about me gets to say that's a bad look.

like fuck off.

I'm not even tired on the bullshit. i'm just resigned.

I want to retire early with snirl, be done with this working nonsense. meanwhile I say this having paid the minimum credit card payments this month on my cc bills. with $5.4K in debt for my surgery that I haven't even started paying off. with a grocery store job I just quit.

and the audacity to think that piper will write me an influencer strategy that will change my life. I feel like an idiot grasping at straws. am I actually nuts? dilluted even?

nancy always talked about values in our session - I don't even know what mine are and I don't know if I even want to know? am I just afraid of what will come out of that? am I afraid of the truth about myself? do I even care?

I'm stuck.

I'm not under a fig tree, i'm in the middle of a field with nothing around for miles. with no compass and zero sense of direction. with a combination of fear and indifference about moving towards anywhere. waiting for something to drop out of the sky (even though I know it won't... but maybe this time it will?).

I don't move when it starts to rain, though I do enjoy when the sun hits me. but even when it does it's to burn me. can someone come get me, please?

[unepetitefig]

3.25.25

I started out this month trying a new medication because I wanted to get fully fixed. not just operate at 80% with some pitfalls - the full 100% operational. it was lovely. I had energy, I was more focused. I finally understood how people got so many things done in a day. I even had moments where I thought, "wow, life is really good" or "I feel really good about myself today." even felt proud of work i'd done.

fast forward to last thursday and something happens and I just can't shake the darkness. the irritation felt explosive and trapped inside of my body. I still cant shake it or the anxiety completely. my chest feels like it's on the edge of a laugh. I feel crazy. I almost lost it in a meeting today. i'm a mess. I was anxious walking teddy. I feel like how I do before I cry it all out - on edge, unhappy, short. I went away for a whole weekend and it did nothing but make it worse.

I thought I was coming out of it today but it doesn't seem to be the 100% rebound back to the other end of the spectrum that I was hoping for.

I just hate that i'm really trying to fix my problems completely - trying to get to 100% but that means having days where i'm at 40% or 50% and my moods are just flailing around me, out of my control. or that there's a piece of coal lodged in my chest and on fire because of it. and I just have to operate as if nothing is wrong. just go on about my day feeling frayed at the edges.

I feel stupid venting to people. I feel like I sound crazy. and who knows, maybe I am. maybe this medication has made me crazy.

and then I think maybe this is a sign that i'm not meant to be able to operate like normal people. maybe i'll never be 100%.

I get why people drink and turn to drugs - because it's just so much easier to just dull it all. at least that's in your control. meanwhile I tried to take an ayrloom on friday night and had the worst trip of my life.

there's just no winning sometimes.

I have my work review tomorrow and it's taking everything in me to not freak out. I dont know how ill get through it but I guess i'll just choke down the anxiety and try not to cry. try not to do anything impulsive.

I hate this.

[unepetitefig]

3.4.25

yesterday I had a breakdown

and today I cleaned most of the house.

I've been on Wellbutrin for a week today and i'm faced with the same question, "is this my mental illness and i'm being manic or am I just being productive and using stress to get through what i'm feeling?" But now it's worse because I have to consider, "is it the medication doing this to me or is this how normal people feel?"

god, if yesterday was deep depression and today is mania then I am cycling faster than I ever have in my life. (But also, how appealing to have it done in 2 days flat).

the weirdest part? I feel like I can feel it doing things to my brain. not literally but there's a feeling in my brain like when i'm high - but without the funny part or the sparkly part. similarly to how magnesium + vitamin d has made me feel in the past is how I feel in my chest. it's strange and my noticing it almost makes me feel how I do when i'm drunk and i'm not sure if the other person i'm talking to notices.

I was so deeply worried and sad about ted possibly having something wrong all last night (and don't get me wrong, I still am), but now it feels like my emotions noticed that and are tilting in the opposite direction. I feel what I imagine calm feels like but i'm so aware of it that it almost feels fake.

thinking back to when I was talking to rach, maybe I am manic? I just kind of dumped everything on her. but was I dumping or speeding through everything and freaking out (like in the questionnaires when they ask "have you been talking so fast that others can't keep up" or whatever.

I'm so worried. So much that all I keep thinking of is how i'll survive it. Will the universe really do this to me so that he can't even be in my wedding? Is this someone's evil eye wish coming true? I just think of how i've kept things from him so that he wouldn't get sick or be ill and it was all for nothing. That despite all of the precautions that I took, he still got sick. It feels like it's just my bad luck washing over the whole situation. It feels like a punishment. And it makes me feel like I've been a bad mom. Or the universe giving me exactly what I've feared for the past 10 years -- a self fulfilling prophecy that I was going to kill him.

I hope that whoever is watching over me - who have been throwing me bones this whole time - has my back for this one. He doesn't deserve it.

I just want to be happy for, like, a year. Like a solid year. If I hit the anniversary of our engagement with nothing going crazy, I will wash my hands of asking the universe ever again.

I just want to be happy. Sometimes I truly feel like I will never know peace. Does anyone live in peace? Or is it always something that is lacking or wrong?

I felt awful today about something M said yesterday and, like I said, my brain just washed it right off as if it never happened.

I didn't want to eat today - another sign it's possibly mania.

It's the strangest thing - I feel high without feeling high! I don't know any other way to describe it. Like I feel the good part of feeling high but with all of my functions and reflexes and cognition being completely unaffected.

I could have gone to the movies tonight but Teddy was being so sweet I couldn't leave him. Following me around the house and looking up at me. How could I, especially now?

[memewhore]

[aokuco]

[unepetitefig]

1.13.25

had my first swing dance class tonight.

the instructor asked if I had danced before so i'll take that as a win/maybe it means that i'm good?

thank god it was only an hour though.

you know when they say get out of your comfort zone?

that was this haha.

after that I went to target and got some stuff for galentine's day and a pair of frenchy pajamas from the kids section.

I slept a lot of today and am still tired and bored with life.

I think I just give up at this point.

I was thinking maybe i'll talk to nancy again but what is she going to tell me that I don't already know?

I'm bored. i'm annoyed. no one is texting back lately and i'm just fucking lonely.

[unepetitefig]

1.3.2025

I really have high hopes for this year. Here are my resolutions (all which I believe to be doable):

Occupy my time more/better: I've already created a calendar and so far have filled up dates with things to do weekly

Have something to look forward to every week & 1 big event every month: so far so good! right now I have something in all months but april

Get in shape for the wedding: This is the one that I'm super worried about - however, I think this may stick because I have a timeline associated with it. Previous workout goals seemed dumb af on a subconscious level because wtf am I working towards? Like going for a year and maybe seeing results? And then having it NEVER END. It just sounds daunting

Continue my reading streak: I read 26 books last year without having a goal. I didn't want to give it a number because I feel like that feels intimidating in a way and I don't want to scare myself off from reading. But I'm already off to a good start because I finished my first book today (and bawled, btw).

Get better at cooking! Try more adult recipes!: Started out with an underwhelming sushi bake. Hopefully more recipes will be new ones to add to our repertoire! And I hope to have more dinner parties where I can try knockout recipes out.

I also just bought this cute workout set that I'm hoping will also make me feel good and like a badass and make me actually want to go to the gym. Lord knows I love an outfit! This is the biggest goal for me to be honest. I follow this influencer who spent the past year really getting in shape and she looks amazing! I'm at an advantage because of my medical weight loss so it shouldn't be hard but, god, does it feel hard. It's just something that I've never enjoyed and don't feel good at and (based on what I've read about my personality type, would really benefit from an accountability buddy). I also hate the pain of it and also the restrictions (which, to be honest, I only think of because that's how I've always operated with going to the gym which I should know by now is wrong and not how one should be doing it).

And I hate this because I hope this isn't my mania ruling me for the past week or so and making me feel good only for me to crash and burn as work starts up again. Like I said, high hopes.

[unepetitefig]

7.29.24

today i'm 34.

I wished for me to find myself but also be a new version of myself.

I want to have more parties. maybe once a month. dinner parties and pot luck parties and lady gaga themed parties.

I want to see more art and create more. unabashedly. and well. and to really enjoy what i'm doing.

to really enjoy my life.

I want to see my friends more. I want us to talk of art and create things like we used to. (only now we have money to do those things!)

I want to feel good in my bones. finally good. I dont know that there has ever been a time in my life that i've ever felt fully good - meaning no anxiety, hesitation, fear. I want to know what that feels like - to truly live in your skin and be at peace.

I want to let go of the weight from the people around me. of the secrets and the dread and the disappointment. I want to live in abundance only. I want to look around at all of the good that I have and be happy with it all. to feel the fullness of how great my life is.

[unepetitefig]

4.29.24

i'm so bored.

BORED.

like sherlock bored.

and I don't know how to cure it.

do I need a house or new clothes or a wedding to plan?

but once I have those things, will it actually stop this feeling in my chest--this nagging bout of energy that just wants to explode inside of me?

I hate it. it's a ball of fury and frustration and energy that just needs to get out, pressing against my chest.

I feel like there's a caged lion in my chest.

how do I let it out?

nothing seems to do...

[unepetitefig]

2.21.24

imagine me

done with therapy.

having completed therapy.

not needing therapy anymore.

[unepetitefig]

12.29.23

every time that I stand up for myself

that I say no more disrespect

I'm looked at like I have 4 heads.

2 times is 2 too many times.

being made fun of or made to feel bad by someone you call your friend is not what friends do.

I don't care if they've been nice 300 times

1 time is 1 time too many, 2 times makes me a fool for thinking otherwise.

how many times are people going to show their true colors and i'm going to ignore it? how many passes do I have to fucking give so that i'm not looked at like i'm a bad guy?

I'm a motherfucking lion.

I'm not a doormat

I'm not "the nice one" - if you pull my tail i'll eat you alive.

I'm not the prey and how dare you take my kindness for weakness.

how many times must I let things roll off? how many excuses must I make?

I dont deserve the disrespect and I won't tolerate it.

and I don't care if that makes me "fickle" or mean.

fuck off.

I'll never willingly show my belly again.

[unepetitefig]

12.4.23

sometimes I wonder if i'll ever be inspired again.

I feel like my brain is atrophying in my head every day. and there's a strong yearning in my chest, like something just wants to break out of it.

I don't know how to let it out. I don't know how to give it what it wants.

I don't know what I want.

I feel so trapped. I have all of this time and the want to do something but none of what I have done.

and work just sucks the life out of me.

I just feel so stuck.

and I dont want to talk about it with anyone because it's just so frustrating. I feel like i'm missing something.

even when I go out places I don't want to be there. I just want to run home, but then when i'm here I don't know what to do with myself and I hate it.

there's no winning.

the same thing with work: I have nothing to do and i'm frustrated. then when they give me something to do, i'm frustrated. it's all so soul sucking.

and I feel like all I do is complain and I hate that, too.

[unepetitefig]

5.8.2023

Is it strange that I dont feel anything when women I know around me get pregnant? 

It’s not the announcements or the gender reveals that drive the knife in. (I assume it’s because I dont want that.) 

It’s the engagements that hurt. The weddings. The people who my brain deems unworthy who get what I want.

It’s the wondering whether I’m good enough. It’s the reminder that I wasn’t (and maybe that I'm still not). That even the people who say they loved me couldn’t love me THAT much. Maybe because I’m a chore or a bore or too much or not enough. 

It’s the “you’re not good enough” popping into my brain and winning with every single ”we’re engaged” post. It's another "not you."

It hurts to see others’ lives moving forward and mine just sitting here… content. I joke - It is, but it isn’t. 

Marriage wasn’t the main objective before - so that’s why it bothers me that now it kind of is. It was always just a “yeah, of course.” Now it’s that annoying fly buzzing in my ear every once and a while reminding me and even scaring me (cause, well, what if it happens again? What if I get so close and then he just leaves)? As if a man telling me they’re going to marry me MEANS that they will. As if that wills it into existence, makes it true.

I know it doesnt. It didn’t last time. 

But I still want to hear it.

I want to be reminded that I’m safe, here, to lay down my heart (again) to really love.

For forever. 

You and me. Me and you. No takebacks.

It’s security. It’s safety. It’s that final magic trick where it’s revealed if it’s a real bunny or just a stuffed animal. 

It’s cuckoo, but I feel like it’s that last piece in the whole puzzle to put me back together. The key to wind me back up again - all neat and confident and well and happy. I can finally be. Because I’ll have finally gotten what I’d always wanted: forever not alone. 

If no one brought it up (and never got engaged around me) I don’t know that I’d mind so much - not being married. I’m sure eventually (& on bad days) I would. But it doesn’t help, ya know? To be reminded. By everyone. Always. Again and again. Asked. As if I know!

With the last one I felt it, something in me KNEW it wasn’t going to happen.

This one, I don’t know. I feel uncertain but excited? But uncertain. I can't put my finger on it.

And it makes me sad to think that maybe he's uncertain to. But I hope he's not. I hope his heart overflows with love for only me. I hope he picked me as his person.

Cause i'd really like to pick him back for forever. But you know the rules - just like the first time around - I won't be the one to pick first. I won't make that mistake again.

I won't let my heart go all the way in first. Bunny or stuffed animal?

[unepetitefig]

2.10.22

right now I want to scream.

this morning I woke up with all of the horrible things that the world has done to me sitting on my chest.

to people being bad at their job

to "mommy, mommy mommy."

to insecurity (well, that was warranted after I dreamed his ex was around).

to the reminder that any second he could leave.

to the horrible words during a horrible time that stopped our relationship.

to you.

to that old woman.

to the management company calling to tell me that they had pictures of teddy peeing in the elevator.

I feel like a tightly wound ball of yarn. but a messy one after u try to put it back together after it gets tangled.

I could scream

and cry.

[unepetitefig]

1.30.22

I'm in an emotionally unhappy mood.

And i'm worried and also a little sad.

He's selfish, like my dad. He puts himself first. He puts others first. I'm just maintenance. That's how I feel right now.

And also, if he were to walk out today - not even tomorrow based on how I feel - i'd be fucked. Again.

I want to get to a place where i dont have to depend on a man.

Maybe it's freelance? Maybe it's moving away?

The latter. If he walked out today i'd move to North Carolina.

And then i'd spend the next rest of my 30s going to museums and taking in as much life as I could. I'd be a different person. A new person. I'd give myself away because why not?

Maybe that's the life for me, ya know? Being alone. It's something I hate and have always dreaded being but maybe that's life, isn't it? Pushing your fears to the front.

And then, when i'm finally happy being alone, someone will come along who is what I need. Or, rather, what I dont need but what I want.

I hate that I have to think like this. I hate that whether or not it's true, I plan like this.

I feel like i'm getting fed up of stuff a lot faster than I used to. of family, of jobs, of problems.

I dont want to play these roles anymore. but I also dont know what the other options are.

maybe this is just the pandemic talking. idk.