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Last winter solstice I got myself a small vial. One that held quartz, lavender from my wedding, and an intention.
To live as my most authentic self in 2025.
I think I did it. I started a server for others who enjoy things like me. I got to meet so many of my mutuals.
I’m proud of who I am.
Not gonna lie, this year was kinda overwhelming for me. This is because of TikTok being banned only for it to blackout for twelve to fourteen hours (If you don’t like this app/site I can handle your opinion), an ex friend I dealt with (Not saying the name), being locked out of Twitter (X) for a little while, my Bluesky getting hacked the day after my birthday out of all things, Miffy And Mikka dying, the YouTube AI Age Verification, an some artists in the Spooky Month Community becoming bad people. Hopefully 2026 will be better.
On a positive note, I would like to put my goals and resolutions for next year.
• Drawing More Art
• Making Some Animations/Animatics
• Working On Original Songs
• Do Song Covers
• Doing More Edits
May 31st, 2025
I pondered a lot today about when I made my mom's birthday cake this year.
I was weary from a day of volunteer teaching and baking, I had other cakes I made that week.
I coated the spongy chocolate Bundt in a silky layer of chocolate ganache and set to decorating it.
I had in my head "Like You" by Meyta. And like most people I followed the impulse to put that song.
I don't know if that impulse was Spirit given, what I do know is the overwhelming emotions that washed over me as I cut a few wafer biscuits in two.
I pondered how my childhood was full of so much strain between my mother and I.
It would've been so much easier for her to just walk away.
But she stayed. She did the hard thing. She stayed.
And oh how she was rewarded 20 years later, when, through a doctor's diagnosis, we finally begun to understand each other.
Who will love me like you?
Endless conversations, apologies, "I love you"s
Who will love me like you?
Then another thought occurred to me, as I carefully arranged fruit into the chocolaty goodness.
Who am I to receive love from God? Who am I?
It would've been so much easier for him to just forget me. Label me as lost for good.
But he didn't.
And my momma know that truth more that anyone. She showed me Jesus's everlasting love.
So I found myself in that dimly lit kitchen, sticky fingers, wary, and watery eyed. As my brain kept echoing...
"Who will love me like you?"
Switching interchangeably between soft memories I had as a little girl.
"Who will love me like you?"
And the sheer love of my heavenly father.
If only I could pour such love into that cake. For both my momma and my creator.
But maybe in someway I did. For it was a damn good cake.
Its one of those days-
Video journaling
1.3.2025
I really have high hopes for this year. Here are my resolutions (all which I believe to be doable):
Occupy my time more/better: I've already created a calendar and so far have filled up dates with things to do weekly
Have something to look forward to every week & 1 big event every month: so far so good! right now I have something in all months but april
Get in shape for the wedding: This is the one that I'm super worried about - however, I think this may stick because I have a timeline associated with it. Previous workout goals seemed dumb af on a subconscious level because wtf am I working towards? Like going for a year and maybe seeing results? And then having it NEVER END. It just sounds daunting
Continue my reading streak: I read 26 books last year without having a goal. I didn't want to give it a number because I feel like that feels intimidating in a way and I don't want to scare myself off from reading. But I'm already off to a good start because I finished my first book today (and bawled, btw).
Get better at cooking! Try more adult recipes!: Started out with an underwhelming sushi bake. Hopefully more recipes will be new ones to add to our repertoire! And I hope to have more dinner parties where I can try knockout recipes out.
I also just bought this cute workout set that I'm hoping will also make me feel good and like a badass and make me actually want to go to the gym. Lord knows I love an outfit! This is the biggest goal for me to be honest. I follow this influencer who spent the past year really getting in shape and she looks amazing! I'm at an advantage because of my medical weight loss so it shouldn't be hard but, god, does it feel hard. It's just something that I've never enjoyed and don't feel good at and (based on what I've read about my personality type, would really benefit from an accountability buddy). I also hate the pain of it and also the restrictions (which, to be honest, I only think of because that's how I've always operated with going to the gym which I should know by now is wrong and not how one should be doing it).
And I hate this because I hope this isn't my mania ruling me for the past week or so and making me feel good only for me to crash and burn as work starts up again. Like I said, high hopes.
Before 2024 comes to a close
I found myself wondering how I should embrace the new year. My decision to be confident this year was a complete game changer in ways i never expected. And although I still get frustrated and defeated due to not meeting every goal I wanted to this year, I needed a mindset to keep me focused and hopeful. I can't lose sight of all that I did accomplish, big or small.
I know I'm not the only one who wants their books to be huge successes and beloved by everyone, but I refuse to give up on that dream. Yes, it can be stressful, especially when I'm juggling everything else, but I've worked so hard to get to this point that giving up isn't feasible. But to keep me on track even when things aren't going as planned, I decided to remind myself of this movie quote.
If you know, you know. The film is a crazy combination of hilarious and heartfelt but this quote really speaks to so many of us. To everyone who reads this, stay steadfast, positive and may 2025 be a fantastic year for you.
"Whether you like it or not, you have a gift. And that gift brings light and joy to an increasingly dark and broken world. To turn your back on that gift is to turn your back on the entire human race." - The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent
2025 is going to truly be a retrospective year for me, but with purpose.
Confronting all the past versions of myself.
Piecing all the fractured physical pieces into physical &/or digital art.
No longer will I let parts of myself sit & fester away inside cardboard or plastic boxes.
In many ways, 2024 was the most challenging year of my life. I think it was easier to shut myself away, but I can't do that forever, I already feel guilty about the amount of time I missed seeing friends this year.
I guess I am reviewing/piecing together the story of my life, it feels like the best possible companion to a physical transformation. If I make a new Tumblr for art or tracking, I will post links. I probably already have an old blog I could reboot/use....
