Unfunny Man

An absolute idiot.

[pukicho]

You're british? Ew. Blocked

Don't be afraid little lamb. I am a tried and true American. *tends to your wounds* you're safe. shhh shhh. you're safe now.

[unfunnyman]

You're british? Oh shit, you're closer than I thought.

[badjokesbyjeff]

An elderly man goes to the doctor…

Man: “Doctor I need help, recently I got a new girlfriend, 35 years old and I’m pretty much impotent can you help me?”

Doctor: “I have the right thing for you, please drop your pants.”

The man drops his pants and the doctor puts a syringe in his penis, containing a blue liquid.

The next day, the man visits the doctor again.

Man: “Doctor, it worked for about 3 hours but then..”

Doctor: “Don’t worry this will work better, please drop your pants.”

The man drops his pants and the doctor puts a syringe in his penis, containing a pink liquid.

A week later the man shows up again.

Man: “Doctor, it was wonderful, it worked the whole Week 24/7 but now it’s the same.”

Doctor: “Don’t worry this will work the best, please drop your pants.”

The man drops his pants and the doctor puts a syringe in his penis, containing a grey liquid.

Half a year passes, the man and the doctor meet each other on the street.

Man: “Doctor you are a saint, for a month now 24/7 and still going, but it won’t soften up at all now.”

The doctor laughs: “Well nothing beats a shot of concrete.”

[unfunnyman]

*HEV suit voice* Concrete Administered.

[writing-prompt-s]

Everyone thought that the mass-production of Firearms would render Magic obsolete in battle, but Spellcasters have adapted. Instead of casting from a wand, most mages now cast from their gun.

[unfunnyman]

Fun fact! You can put a rune on a bullet IRL! Just carve an X on the tip!

[writing-prompt-s]

Every 1000 years all of the Gods get together for a contest to see who can collect the most souls with a single catastrophic event. Last time Poseidon broke the 1M mark with a Tsunami/earthquake combo. You’re up.

[unfunnyman]

I release 99 red balloons above Germany.

[pukicho]

Sick of the Old Testament give me the mold testament, give me the gold testament, give be the LOL’d testament, give me the Old Testament, give me the scold testament, give me the Old Testament

[unfunnyman]

How do you pronounce "lol"???

[writing-prompt-s]

You are a budget mage. While most of your colleagues use costly ingredients, rituals that take weeks to prepare and use a new spell for every problem, you only know a few spells, use common household ingredients and prepare rituals within minutes. They unjustly deride your work as shoddy.

[unfunnyman]

It mightn't be the fanciest but I can make a potion with aluminium powder and iron oxide that solves a lot of problems, including this one!

[writing-prompt-s]

You are a super hero named “Hammerspace” due to your ability to seemingly pull objects of any size out of a magic bag. In actuality, you stop time and just grab stuff from your surroundings. You were captured by your nemesis and he is super confused as to why the bag won’t work when he uses it.

[gryphonablaze]

and while he’s distracted by the bag, I stop time and go home

[unfunnyman]

Better plan: Tell him you need to activate it, crawl in, stop time and go home.

[shittysawtraps]

there you have it folks, the first saw trap generated by ai

[unfunnyman]

Thank you DAN, very cool!

[writing-prompt-s]

You’ve accidentally summoned the Devil while cooking dinner, and he’s intrigued by your culinary skills. He challenges you to a high-stakes cook-off, with your soul on the line. If you win, you get a lifetime of unparalleled culinary prowess and the ability to impress anyone with your dishes. But if you lose, your soul is his. As you accept the challenge, you realize you’ll need to prepare the most extraordinary meal of your life.

[pebblefanposting]

Isn’t it just every Gordon Ramsay x reader fanfic?

[unfunnyman]

every WHAT

[writing-prompt-s]

You’ve accidentally summoned the Devil while cooking dinner, and he’s intrigued by your culinary skills. He challenges you to a high-stakes cook-off, with your soul on the line. If you win, you get a lifetime of unparalleled culinary prowess and the ability to impress anyone with your dishes. But if you lose, your soul is his. As you accept the challenge, you realize you’ll need to prepare the most extraordinary meal of your life.

[unfunnyman]

Ah, Satan, welcome! I hope you're ready for an unforgettable luncheon!

[lilybug-02]

Is water wet?

I would have to say yes. As long as one single molecule is connected to another, it’s technically covered with it 😏 

[aroaceundynestuff-deactivated20]

So a single water molecule is dry?

[lilybug-02]

Mmm possibly. I think another way to interpret WET is to just feel it. If you touch something and it feels “wet”, then it’s wet. Describing wetness is kinda like describing color. It’s a touch sensation, nothing much more.

[unfunnyman]

If a single water molecule is dry, then that means water isn't wet but waters are.

[corpse-flame]

where did he get that?

[unfunnyman]

Kris then meets back up with Susie and Ralsei who have a Vulcan Cannon and an M249 respectively.

[femur-bandit]

I need people to be normal about Magnusson. Not to make another post like "oh he was under a LOT of pressure and he was trying to make shit happen to defeat the combine he's not always Like That" but ughhh people please use your brains when thinking about him. come on. yes he is a grumpy funny man, but don't flanderize him into being only that okay?

[unfunnyman]

He held a grudge against a man for 20 years, not for ending the world but because he blew up his casserole.

[shittysawtraps]

Hello William Afton from the hit game series Five Nights at Freddy’s.

[unfunnyman]

[the-irken-pony]

Low key I find it extremely funny when people draw Reginald smoking a cigarette. He'd have a cigarette to try and seem cool and intimidating but he'd suck through it once and immediately dissolve into a coughing fit so bad he has to take like two minutes to recover after he eventually stops coughing.

[unfunnyman]

https://youtu.be/9SCeK6BxAI4

[abigail]

when i got home after the new years celebrations last night, i took off my boots and found this pin stuck in the bottom of one of them,, a good sign for the new year perhaps ? :-) 

[unfunnyman]

Somebody's no longer protected by angels.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

classic vines but they’ve been reshot hollywood style. a man stands over a cliff on a stormy night, his coat billowing in the heavy wind. rain-drenched, hair whipping about his chiseled features, he turns to the camera and–in a voice hoarse with betrayal–gasps: i can’t believe you’ve done this

[youre-drinking-embalming-fluid]

Midnight. The detective bursts through a locked door to see a shadowy figure perched on the windowsill. The body of the Prime Minister sprawls on the ground, hardwood floor growing steadily darker around him. The curtains fly back as a gust of wind sweeps through the study - and in the next blink, the figure is gone.

The detective rushes to the window, but there’s no trace of the fugitive. They stare out into the shadows of London, and exclaim;

“What the f*ck, Richard?”

[theurbanmechcomesforthee]

The detective and his assistants have been on this case for a week now. His fellows and colleagues had been gathered there to find the culprit of the murderers. On a rough day with no clear evidence in the apartment, he looks on in horror to his old friend, who is raiding the freezer on top of the fridge. Jim turns to the detective and yells: “What is this, the murder weapon? Get off my DICK!”

[youre-drinking-embalming-fluid]

Two weeks go by. A shootout at Tower Bridge kills the team’s eyewitness before she can give them any information, and a cabdriver who might have had information has mysteriously vanished.

After a chance encounter, the team tracks the assassin to a boarding house before they vanish through a secret door. They’re at a dead end once more - until Jim points out the building’s address.

“Didn’t the Prime Minister stay here when he was younger?”

The landlady nods. “In this very apartment, with some other chap named Richard.”

Jim’s mouth falls open. “And they were roommates.”

The sleuth gasps.

“Oh my God, they were roommates.”

[unfunnyman]

"So, did they identify the body?"

"Yep. His name was Jared. 19. He never fuckin' learned how to read, poor kid."