27 December 2016 (4:47A.M)
Caution: May be unsafe for individuals that have triggers related to anxiety and sexual assault.
I'm hoping that with this post I can help someone that may be going through the same thing or similar to my situation. I'm hoping to raise awareness to something you don't hear about a lot but you read high statistics on. This is a very real thing and just like you I never thought it could ever happen to me. Nearing the beginning of 2017, my recovery is emerging. I am starting where I am with pain, hands shaking, and voice trembling but I am starting where I am.
I remember vomiting one hour into drinking. I remember searching for a safe space to get air and relax. I remember the excuses that ran through my mind when he told me he wanted to fuck me. I remember waking up in the process of being raped and being helpless because I couldn’t do anything while being pinned onto the bed. I looked to my left to try to find comfort in the unfamiliar room that I was being held in: “It’s almost over”. I remember waking up in the middle of the street laying on the ground with no recollection of how I got there. I remember laying down in the bushes vomiting and swearing to myself that I wasn’t going to make it home without a minor in possession. I remember waking up on a bathroom floor with vomit all around me.
I did not ask for it with my appearance. I was fully clothed: no cleavage, no midriff, no ass. I did not leave my house with the expectation of blacking out. I did not give him permission to use my body as his sex slave while my unmoving, unconscious self was in a foreign state. I said “No.”
I live my life everyday in a body that has been touched without permission. I woke up the morning of October 1st and scrubbed every inch of my physique so hard that my skin became dry and started to bleed. I was given antibiotics everyday for a week following that forced me to wake up every morning and vomit before I took a shower and left for class. My diagnosis for my unspecified anxiety disorder became worse where I was obliged to adjust my medication so I can sleep without waking up in the middle of the night to purge in result of my racing heart and overwhelming thoughts. I now wake up every morning between three and four ante meridiem because every night I dream about my body being used against me. I have continual emails to write and appointments to make with counselors/psychologists, sexual assault resources, and police officers to aid me in my recovery. I can’t travel home for the holidays without anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns because I am not distracted by an event that happened nearly three months ago. I am alone with my thoughts that blame me from time to time. How did I display an affirmative yes while understanding the sophistication of alcohol poisoning? I am still being contacted by individuals involved in the night that I was exposed and instead of receiving support, I am shamed. But, I breathe everyday and am relieved that I bear the soul that I do. I received no help that evening. I, subsequent to being raped, walked a mile home by myself with alcohol poisoning. I am a strong woman and with that experience, i might never be stronger.
Yes, he suffered zero consequences. He lives his life everyday without criminal charges and the ability to return to my university without disadvantage. Yes I completed my first semester as a freshman at Washington State University with a 3.0 grade point average and yes I will continue to remain at my intended college. Yes, I will continue to be shamed by virtually the entire fraternity of boys until justice is served. Yes, I will stand for myself, my body, and other women that haven’t voiced their trials and tribulations. Thank you to those who believe what I am saying is true and thank you for those that have assisted me in my recovery thus far. You know who you are.
theartofmadeline
titsay
2087
izzy806
kianamaiart
yousharknotpass
