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@unlikelytidalwavewa
My husband is such a good person. I owe him a lot and he suffered because of me. But can we talk about the debt we have towards certain people and how it pevenrs sometimes to tell the we also have rjght and the get the f. off of our face sometimes?! 🤦♀️
Me : I take too many pills these days cause of suicidal ideation but I'm getting better.
Hbby : all I want is you getting better.
Me : promise him stuff but I have DID so it might not stick . Rn all I want is to say up all night and watch tv show with a beer like I'm the only one in the world and safe.
Hubby at litteraly 11pm : is it ok if we go to bed soon?
Me no.
H saying why it's injust to him.
Me disgusting cause my mental health is at sake : okay, I'll take a somniefer.
Hea dreaming if he thinks I'm gonna be anything else but cordial. Yes there's injustice for him but rn I feel like a toddler obligated to go to bed and he doesn't have a problem with it. Worse he feel like the victim when he's sad qns afraid for me, while this kind of behavior is what makes me not want to live anymore.
I hate victimisation from people who didn't go through anything. F you guys so much. U suck.
Me : I take too many pills these days cause of suicidal ideation but I'm getting better.
Hbby : all I want is you getting better.
Me : promise him stuff but I have DID so it might not stick . Rn all I want is to say up all night and watch tv show with a beer like I'm the only one in the world and safe.
Hubby at litteraly 11pm : is it ok if we go to bed soon?
Me no.
H saying why it's injust to him.
Me disgusting cause my mental health is at sake : okay, I'll take a somniefer.
Hea dreaming if he thinks I'm gonna be anything else but cordial. Yes there's injustice for him but rn I feel like a toddler obligated to go to bed and he doesn't have a problem with it. Worse he feel like the victim when he's sad qns afraid for me, while this kind of behavior is what makes me not want to live anymore.
Ignoring your passion is slow suicide. Never ignore what your heart pumps for. Mold your career around your lifestyle not your lifestyle around your career. Art by MuAndCoco on Instagram.
Life : Very disappointing, exhauting and poorly designed. Would not try again. 2/20
People will never be thankful that you protected them from something they didn't know. Or maybe until they learn that thing. But in the meantime you can't expect them to act thankful for something they don't know.
Movies/ tv shows vs. Reality
Americans in movies/tv shows: takes a few pills with wine, pass out and wake up at the hospital and get treatment.
Me in real life: takes so mucb pills and aloh0l i should drop d3ad almost instantly and even a whale would pass out, but just feels lonely and a bit hangover and skightly tired.
Yay.
I wanna die s lonr as there's Netflix aned no hiccups on fhe other side
Don't know if I want to die or not. I hate my relatives cause I love them and dont want to make them suffer but the pain.... I know I'm weak and deserve to die cause I tried a bit but never really cause I want the pain to stop but not sure if I actually want to die. I'm on pills and Alcohol rn but I know it won't be enough and I'll go to bed and wake up tomorrow morning, disappointed and ashamed and hating the fact that another day will start exactly like the ones before but I don't have the energy to make any changes.... will I ever be again? Will I did and feel relief or guilt and sadness for my loved ones? I'm tired and know I need to be hospitalized for at least a to talk to people but I'm ashamed to want that and to try to ov3r0s3 to be in the hospital. I'm also scared.
I'm such a blue-pink hair cliche mess...
What I would need rn: take too many pills, getting to a hospital, see someone empathetic and go back to my life one day later with will to make efforts to get better again. Cause I avoided the traumas subconsciously for years, made efforts to get better and forced myself to get hobbies and to always move forward. But I'm tired now, so tired.
The problem is : in reality I would either succeed on my SA, which I'm not sure is a real wish. Or I don't succeed and nobody cares because nurses and doctors see that everyday and are understaffed and exhausted and I would just be ashamed and left with no clue what to do next.
But also those feelings, flashbacks, that disorder and this desperation and anguish... I can't stand them anymore...
How do people get stronger when they have huge trauma or meldown? Taylor Swift always used what she went through to create and so did others. I'm on my couch incapable to think about anything else but Sui attempt, wanted to create and write my novel but to tired to do anything, taking way too many pills a day, unable to accept or not deny my disorder half the time; having panick attacks on a daily basis and culpabilizing cause I have (few but still) people who love me but I crave the approval and admiration of everybody else... I don't know maybe I'm just not someone who will leave something on this earth. And at the same time I don't want my loved ones to suffer and I culpabilize a lot for being such a drama queen. Ugh who's the son of a fart who invented life.
What's with every man asking on a movie to a woman : "Do you have an opinion in everything in life ?"
Uhm, yes it's called being a humain d*ckwad!
The fact that we can disprove evrythg is the only thing you cant disprove.
Current state
The thing is, when you're too nice, no one notices, not even your own family. Did they do anything to share my work lately ? Nope. I share their work all the time, boost them, listen to them, help them. But when I need help? They still ask for mine. I'm tired of being the invisible one, the "always fine so I can forget about her" one. The nice one who doesn't express her own feelings because she's afraid to hurt people with her own existence. I'm real, I'm hurt too, and I need help and I need to be listened to, and seen.
Friends - Black Mirror
People : Ross unknowingly predicted San Junipero in Friends.
Me : Yeah, but Phoebe and Chandler also predicted an episode from Black Mirror :
I know being a system gets easier with time but at the same time I don't want it to be, cause right now our suffering isn't heard by the host and I'm f.... tired of it and what if the others get better and forget about me? I want us to get better but I'm still scared of not being heared. Let me exist even though I know I'm not "great" for the body and stuff...
I.
