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JBB: An Artblog!
KIROKAZE
art blog(derogatory)
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$LAYYYTER
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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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@unloveablues
leg is tastiest part
showed this to my heated rivalry sister and she said Ave that’s dirty…
The Metros absolutely crush Buffalo, and Shane's phone get's broken in the post-game locker room celebration chaos.
He is Freaking Out bc he doesn't actually know what Ilya's phone number is. His SIM card got crushed underneath a pair skates, so there's no recovering "Lily's" contact card.
On top of that, his old Ottowa number won't transfer to his Montreal provider. So "Lily's" texts will now be delivered into the ether. Or to some random person's phone if his old Ottowa number gets given out again.
Ilya of course has literally no idea this has happened and is sending his usual flirtatious messages to...silence. No response. He's not even getting left on read. Because the messages aren't even getting read. He goes through the five stages of grief. Fuck Shane Hollander, he doesn't need this shit. They're supposed to play against each other Tomorrow for fucks sake. His resolve lasts for about....two hours? And then he's on social media. What's this fucking asshole up to that he can't even read Ilya's texts?
He pulls up the first interview, the one right after Buffalo. Shane looks....really stressed out. Which is confusing given that they've just won.
"Yes of course I am super happy to win. Unfortunately the locker room celebration did get a little out of hand though."
He holds up his mangled phone.
"So if you're trying to contact me, sorry about that!"
He's blushing and smiling and seems so flustered and embarrassed. He's looking at a camera, millions of people can hear him, but he's speaking directly to Ilya. Ilya's face breaks out into his "you have a stylist?" smile. He feels....a little embarrassed about his crashout, but also super fucking relieved. Ilya swipes through a couple more videos and watches the most recent interview.
"We are absolutely looking forward to facing off against the Raiders. Also I brought this up last time but, turns out I can't keep my old phone number. So if you're texting me and I'm not responding, it's because I can't!"
He laughs, but it seemd a bit forced. Like he might tear up if he gets pushed the wrong way. Ilya goes back and watches through all the interviews since the Buffalo game. Shane has found a way to bring up his broken phone in every single interview for the past two weeks. It's so sweet...and also a little heartbreaking. He knew exactly what was gonna happen, and was terrified of Ilya thinking that he didn't want to talk to him. He didn't want Ilya to feel alone and confused and upset. He's so fucking ernest and endearing.
Ilya cannot Wait to give him shit about it on the ice tomorrow.
“Bad Venus”
Shop link in bio! 🛍️
ok this is mostly a collection of ilya "good top" rozanov headcanons that took on a life of their own
ilya's reputation as a "womanizer" and a "ladies man" takes hold pretty early in his career
he's got a girl in every port, the man's having a lot of sex everywhere
(most of his teammates know that he's got a special fondness for jane in montreal, but that's neither here nor there)
shane genuinely isn't jealous, what ilya does when they're apart isn't his business, as long as he has ilya's undivided attention when they're together, which he absolutely does
someone makes a joke on twitter that all of the women he's banged ought to start a club
this leads to someone making a shirt that says "i hooked up with ilya rozanov and all i got was this lousy t-shirt" and starts selling it on etsy. a bunch of other people make copycat shirts and variations
the fad fades pretty quickly, but there's a brief moment in time where they seem to be everywhere, and jane texts lily every time he sees someone wearing one out in the wild
lily mostly responds with laughing emoji, but one time he responds with "i think that one's real i remember her" and shane has to remind himself that he's not jealous and it's not his business and he has to delete the picture so he doesn't go back and study it
not long after boston wins the cup, a package arrives at shane's secret sex condo, it's a version of the shirt that says "i slept with STANLEY CUP WINNER ilya rozanov and all i got was this lousy t-shirt"
shane is mortified, but also more than a little turned on. at some point he wears it under his other clothes when he meets up with ilya for a hook-up and ilya goes absolutely feral when he sees it
years later, when the whole dallas kent situation hits the fan, people start taking to twitter talking shit about other NHL players (and other pro-athletes in general) who treated them poorly
someone tweets out "i've never really talked about this because i'm not one to kiss and tell and it's really no one's business, but i just want to say that in like 2014 i hooked up with ilya rozanov and he was the most considerate lover i'd ever had. i was relatively inexperienced and so down bad for him that i would have done anything he said, but he checked in with me every step of the way, and *also* gave me crazy orgasms to boot"
and women start coming out of the woodwork responding to the thread with similar sentiments, that he'd set the bar for future hookups and relationships
and people are like "damn, consent king ilya rozanov, didn't have that on my bingo card this year" and "this man was really fucking his way across north america as a service to *us* teaching millennial women to have higher standards for their partners"
someone tweets out "i hooked up with ilya rozanov and all i got was multiple orgasms and really high expectations about consent" and it goes stupid viral
several months later when the fanmail debacle happens and hollanov are outed, that particular corner of social media has another meltdown along the lines of "and he's even bisexual? this makes so much sense"
someone jokes about getting shane a shirt, since he's a member of the club, this tweet makes its way back to harris, who feels like he should warn shane and ilya
ilya posts a picture to instagram of his husband lounging, wearing The Shirt, his underwear, and nothing else. the shirt is very obviously not new, has been worn and washed many times
in the picture, shane's left hand is draped casually across his stomach, wedding ring glinting in the light, as if to remind everyone: this one's mine
Sappho, tr. by Anne Carson, from “If Not Winter: Fragments of Sappho,” (x)
married shane x ilya
ilya pays the bill at restaurants by lying that he’s going to the bathroom - shane starts doing this too and now it’s a race to see who can covertly pay first
shane is super outdoorsy and can fix a lot of stuff around the house AND has tools!!!! ilya calls him mr get it done after hearing the GloRilla song
shane INSISTS on russian only days to accelerate his learning
shane uses ilya as his personal weighted blanket and other sensory grounding techniques (“can you grab and pull my hair” “kinky” “no - actually later”)
shane collected ilya’s hockey cards but had to have a huge binder of everyone’s so it doesn’t seem like he’s only collecting ilya’s cards - ilya has shane’s rookie card in his wallet (awwww)
lots of cuteness aggression doesn’t matter who’s around!!!!!!
“listen” “listening”
ilya’s entire camera roll goes from random pictures to shane shane shane - shane sleeping shane eating shane standing infront of the tv claiming he’s not watching shane in hockey gear shane cooking shane with anya shane withe the angry kitten face shane at the cottage shane at the camps shane in his childhood bedroom shane shane shane
when apart; ilya sends 100 voice notes a day to shane (shane listens to them all together like asmr)
ilya will kiss shane just to steal lip balm
if shane is laying on the couch ilya will lay on him and put his head in shane’s shirt (“you’re stretching out the material”)
their shared google calendar is run like the navy (“hollander i don’t see blowjobs on thursday? i will add” “STOP IT MY MOM SEES THIS CALENDAR”)
ilya lowballs people on fb marketplace and then uses shane’s account to lowball them further
ilya’s snoring is so bad you can hear it from other rooms but it’s the only noise shane can sleep through its like white noise for shane
ilya winking at shane is to shane what shane wearing glasses is to ilya
ilya writes to do lists / grocery lists in cyrillic and his penmanship is gorgeous (shane is surprised his jock hockey player husband has nice handwriting and that it took him 10 years to see it)
ilya calls troy his best friend and shane gets jealous
shane carries the bags when they go anywhere
ilya is shane’s emergency contact but shane’s parents are ilya’s emergency contact
“my shane”
“shane and ilya’s wedding song was diamonds by rihanna” uh im pretty sure it was the moana soundtrack? as evidenced by these book screenshots my sister sent me:
Shane got really brave for this stunt.
There were no nice men in Montreal?
PRIDE & PREJUDICE (2005) Dir. Joe Wright
— But you hate him.
𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶
rare landscape painting yeehaw. it was quite a challenge for me, haha.
SCROLL BACK
THAT WAS A PAINTING
Pride & Prejudice (2005) dir. Joe Wright
Pride and Prejudice 2005 vs Heated Rivalry
A painting, most ardently
Pride & Prejudice (2005) dir. Joe Wright