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Some of Hillary’s greatest moments that prove she is a BOSS.

Please “like” and “re-blog” if you agree that Hillary is a boss.

Somewhere Along the Way, Shit Got Weird

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. I am that girl. You know, the girl who gets all warm and fuzzy inside when she mentions a band you’ve never heard of. The one who’s really into Conceptual Art and inappropriately throwing around the prefix “meta.” Dressed with an eye for ironic juxtaposition, I look like I slept in a dumpster while on a vision quest to find my spirit guide. For all intents and purposes, I look like a fucking hipster.

#Kathleen #hipster #funny #WASP #irony #yolo

This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Florida

This is happening right now.

#Kathleen #funny #giant snails #florida problems #wtf #florida #well shit #snailmageddon

Counterpoint: Babies are Just Dogs, but Better!

They are basically dogs, and everybody loves those, right? They can be a little loud, or a little messy, and yeah you have to clean up their shit. But you invest in them anyway, because they are incredibly cute and fun. It is incredibly joyous to watch something grow right in front of you; being a parent is to experience that joy every day of your life.

Is it a baby or a dog? Aww, who cares, they’re practically the same thing.

Know what else is awesome about babies? They are basically forced to concede to your every whim. Kathleen brings up the point of stupid inventions like the baby shower cap, or baby shoes. She says they are ridiculous and pointless. What she doesn’t see is that the whole purpose of these things isn’t to “keep the baby safe.” It is to make the baby look ridiculous, and then laugh at it. And then post pictures of it on Facebook so all your friends can laugh at it. And then wait twenty-five years for the time when your baby has succeeded in life more than you, and drag out these photos again to laugh at them some more and make yourself feel better.

More depressing but equally valid, babies are a great source of unconditional love. When you realize that you are going to spend the rest of your life alone, and that your friends are all gone, that is a great time to have a baby. First of all, it brings all the friends back for a while, because they want to be around all of the cuteness. And then you raise that baby with love so that it freaking owes you and can never leave. And then you will be loved forever.

To conclude, I want to return to two main points: 1) if you do your job right as a parent, your child will be more successful than you, and 2) your child will owe you forever. Taken in conjunction, these points mean that you get to retire and live off of that baby the rest of your life. Kathleen may describe them as “parasites;” this is just false. They are an investment so that after say thirty years, you get to become the parasite. And life will be good.

-Shane-

#Shane #funny #P/CP #babies #dogs #parasites #love

Point: Babies are a Drain on Society's Resources

Congratulations on your parasite! That’s so great that you’re going to have a child. Seriously, I’m absolutely thrilled that your life is about to be invaded by a squirming, crying, needy, inarticulate thing. Really, I’m so envious of the bomb of diapers that’s about to detonate in your home.

#Kathleen #babies #baby #point/counterpoint #funny

Go Back to Texas, Tourists!

Moving to DC has opened my eyes to how awful tourists/tourist attractions really are. Sure, Thomas Jefferson may have been a great man with an ideology worthy of having a giant stone monument in order to commemorate them (well, except the part of his ideology that led him to father dozens of illegitimate children by his slaves). Except that hardly one of the thousands of people meandering around actually cares about what he achieved, or what his life meant. Instead, the adults are only focused on forcing their kids to behave, and the kids are only focused on when they can get the hell out of there and get some ice cream.

Right now is one of the worst possible times of the year when it comes to having to deal with tourists: Cherry Blossom Season. At least I get some revenge when it comes to this yearly event: most tourists came to early this year due to that damn unshakably winter, and right when the blossoms did come out there was a huge storm that blew them right off of the trees. Oh God, look at me. I naturally would love something as beautiful as the mass blooming. The tourists have turned me into a vindictive monster!

But I can’t help it. All I want is to go for a run along the waterfront, but the tourists ruin even that simple experience for me. First of all is the fact that they seem to only be capable of walking in a horizontal line, a problem further compounded by the fact that tourists tend to be quite a bit wider than the average DC resident. This means that instead of focusing on my run, I am playing a weird kind of Frogger, hopping around trying not to get bumped into. It’s not good exercise. Tourists also seem to have a natural dislike for runners. If I hear one more “Run Forrest, run!” joke I might snap. You’ll probably find me splashing around the reflection pool screaming about how much I want my city back and yes, Jenny, I do love you.

So I’m probably going to just check out of the whole National Mall area until, say, September. You’ll find me in Georgetown, and Dupont, and U Street. Basically wherever tourists aren’t. Once the tourism season ends I might dare to venture back into Downtown DC, but even then it will be with a heavy heart. For my once sacred monuments and museums have been forever tainted by my jump from tourist to resident. Never again will I be able to go see a new art exhibit at the Hirshhorn without the constant dread that I may be victimized by a flock of gross, feuding kids all wearing matching clothing being chased down by a mother in high-waisted jean shorts.

Run, Forrest. Run indeed. The tourists are coming.

-Shane-

#Shane #funny #DC #Cherry Blossoms #tourists #tourism #Washington #Washington DC #victimized

Healthy People Sicken Me

Now that it’s balls hot outside here in Washington DC, droves of secret health nuts and wannabe health nuts are coming out of the woodwork.The sidewalks and public areas are as clogged as my arteries with people in ill-fitting athletic wear trudging along with fifty of their closest friends, effectively eliminating any chance I have of catching my bus. (I’ll never get the appeal of sweating in a group, but whatever.)

#health #spring #funny #sorrynotsorry #Kathleen #jogging #exercise #running

The Struggles of Studying Sparabic

I personally love to study languages. I began studying Spanish in middle school, then took four years of Latin in high school. And upon registering for courses for college, I decided that it was time to undertake learning a new language.

This was a mistake.

Okay, it wasn’t really. I decided to take Arabic, and I love this language very much. But I think that there may be limits on how many language the human brain can handle at once. For I am sitting here now, with a Spanish composition on the computer screen before me and a big thick Arabic textbook on the desk, and I feel overwhelmed.

Just today I was practicing for an important Spanish oral exam by talking with a friend who is a native speaker. And all of the sudden, instead of “Yo pienso,” the Arabic equivalent “انا !ظن” came out. Face, meet palm. It is even worse when these tiny slips come out in the middle of class; especially when I speak Arabic in Spanish class. The other students in my Arabic class can at least recognize the sounds I am making as Spanish, as most people have at least some degree of recognition for the language. But most people in my Spanish class don’t know a word of Arabic outside of “ali baba.”

The two languages at times seem to be in a struggling for my attention. I’ll be walking along just thinking, then suddenly realized that my thoughts jumped seamlessly from one language to the other and back. I also have a guilt complex regarding them. Usually I devote one class a semester to each. They get the same amount of attention. But I had to take a regional history course for college, and chose to take History of the Islamic World over History of Latin America. I know languages don’t actually have feelings, but that inconvenient fact doesn’t make me any less sensitive towards them.

Sometimes I question why I am trying to learn these two languages. My university only requires me to attain proficiency in one. As I was registering for classes the other day, I kept thinking of all the advantages there would be to dropping Arabic. I would have so much more free time, I would be able to take some electives, I could focus on mastering just one language, instead of butchering two.

But anyone who has begun to study Arabic knows what a trap it is. There is no walking away; it becomes somewhat akin to a cult. The language is immensely frustrating for a number of reasons: the fact that, unlike Spanish, it has nearly no cognates with English; the endless list of grammar rules and the endless list of exceptions to those rules, all of which need to be memorized; the several sounds of their alphabet that are exactly the same but for distinctions undetectable by English-trained ears. But these difficulties require that Arabic students devote themselves fully to the language, and it is near impossible to back away from that commitment.

I can’t drop Spanish, either, for a number of reasons. Firstly, that I have put several more years into studying it than into Arabic, and am much closer to achieving proficiency. Also that I find myself using it so much in my daily life, especially in my work with DC’s immigrant community. And finally that I find myself falling more deeply in love with the culture and history of its peoples.

So I am stuck. I will continue to mix up vocab words and grammar constructions. I will continue to be made fun of for the nonsense that comes out of my mouth. And I will continue to slave away with my Spanish on one side of the desk and Arabic on the other. But despite my frustrations I know that it is worth it: I am holding myself to that ideal promised by languages, that which will open me up to the world around me. And to all those other Sparabic students out there, good luck to you and God bless.

-Shane-

#Shane #commentary #Spanish #Arabic #language #college #languages

Labeling Mental Illness

The question of labelling mental health and mental illness is especially weird and human. We act like labels have some sort of talismanic power to dispel our fear of the unknown. But we don’t know any more about mental conditions just because we have an artificial name for it developed by doctors who have never experienced the often intense emotional pain of these “illnesses.” Americans in particular have what seems like an obsession with diagnosing ourselves, as if being told by someone with a diploma that you have anxiety will make you less anxious. As much as I love words and think they’re powerful, labelling mental disorders is ultimately doomed to fail.

When applied by an outsider, as in the case of mental disorders, labels can be cold and clinical. There’s no such thing as embracing a disorder, or identifying with it. There will always be a gap between the words and the feelings those words are meant to describe, and you can’t fight the diagnosis without being a “problem patient,” no matter how ill-fitting it might seem. The identity you’re ascribed when you’re diagnosed isn’t something fluid; it has a permanent stigma and lifelong implications. Instead of empowering the sufferer with knowledge, labeling takes away the supposedly ill person’s agency. No matter how much pain you’re in, it’s demeaning to be told you need to change everything about yourself in order to fit society’s image of mental health.

Our American compulsion to label is driving us to diagnose younger and younger children with mental disorders. Children as young as two or three are diagnosed as bipolar because they have mood swings and temper tantrums. Maybe I’m biased because I would probably still fail the marshmallow test to this day, but aren’t three year olds supposed to have short attention spans and poor impulse control? Isn’t that what we mean when we call someone “childish?”

When psychologists impose labels so early, they’re effectively telling children they’re wrong before they have a chance be anything at all. When the DSM-V comes out this May, it will include a new illness, disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, which is essentially bipolar for children. I think it’s a good addition because hopefully, psychologists won’t be as quick to put such a profound label on a small child. But the line between health and illness is so arbitrary, particularly for children, who are constantly changing. How can we expect children to have any sense of what normal feels like if, for as long as they can remember, they’ve been told that their way of experiencing the world is wrong?

-Kathleen

#Kathleen #mental health #commentary #mental illness #labels #bipolar #DSM-V

Anonymity: A Window into Society's Prejudices

Perhaps these kinds of comments shouldn't be taken too seriously. Though they may be hurtful, it is also easy to brush them off as only showing the worst in a very small crowd of people. But anonymity is also a powerful tool, and I think that we can learn something from it.

Let's consider recent events that have taken place at Oberlin College. Oberlin has a reputation as being one of the most liberal colleges in the country: a college that openly embraces counter-culture. You would think that such a reputation would mean that it may be one of the places in the world closest to a true "post-racist" ideal.

And yet, earlier there was a series of incidents vandals tagged racist slurs all over campus: upon posters for black-themed events, outside the multicultural center, and in other places. There were even reports of sightings of students wearing the costume of the KKK.

In our modern society, racism is one of the most hated ideologies there is. It was once the norm in this country, but now the norm is to support racial equality and cross-cultural respect and tolerance. But this fact doesn't mean that racism is gone from our society, it only means that many people are hesitant to express it in the open. This drives people with no other outlet for their resentments to express them in cowardly acts of vandalism, or to run around with their faces masked by a white hood.

A common trend among universities on Facebook is for students to write submissions for confessions pages. The moderators of these pages then post these confessions completely anonymously. Seeing some of what is posted upon the Georgetown Confessions Facebook page is extremely shocking. One student writes that she is afraid of going to class because there is a black student in it, and she is frightened by his "animalistic tendencies." If she were to ever express that opinion in the open, she would be ostracized so heavily that she may no longer find a place for herself at Georgetown.

I understand, of course, that these people are in the vast minority. I also understand that the scope of anonymity has the potential to sharply exaggerate. But these voices do still exist, and that they are voices without name or identity does not change what they mean for American society. What I personally think what we need are more open venues for expressing these opinions openly; it would be a difficult process that would require us to confront the ugly prejudices of our society head-on. But I also think that such a dialogue is the only way forward to a less hateful future.

-Shane-

#Shane #anonymity #Oberlin #Georgetown #racism #prejudice #society #cyber-bullying #post-racism #Oberlin College #Georgetown University #commentary

Feigning Competency is Exhausting

I start making lists and plans for the future with titles like “Get Your Shit Together” and “Stop Being a Drain on Society’s Resources.” I buy daily planners. I make overly aggressive gym schedules. I wear cardigans. I clean my kitchen. I furiously google internship opportunities and make exceedingly optimistic lists with deadlines in capital letters and elaborate systems of underlining. I bring large cups of coffee to class so that everyone knows how busy I am. Forget about sleeping - there are cover letters to write. I start rushing everywhere because responsible people walk fast. I start eating salads because employed people don’t eat easy mac. In short, I go from being a relative shmuck to hyper-capable lady executive.

Don’t pretend you don’t see at least a little of yourself in this. I’m not the only one who is susceptible to peer pressure. Every New Year’s, the whole world endorses my crazed struggle to get my life together. Of course I’m buying five years’ worth of calendars every January - so is every single other person in Office Depot. No one bats an eye as I trudge to the gym in borrowed running shorts because I am joined by hordes of chubby people, my own breathless swearing lost in a chorus of pants and wheezes. Once a year I get an excuse to pretend that my sisyphean attempts to look like a serious person are legitimate self-improvement instead of a desperate attempt to hide the truth, which is that I don’t even own dryer sheets.

Unfortunately, I can never hold the businesswoman Barbie act together for very long. After about a week fo being a "real person", I get tired and crack under the pressure. Invariably, I fling my bowl of whole grain, low fat granola across the dinner table and haul ass to the nearest Taco Bell. If I make it to the grocery store at all, it's in sweatpants or - I am completely serious - my college-logoed footie pajamas. The daily planners sit untouched in the corner of my bedroom, usually beneath the desk alongside my shark slippers. I hope that someday I can accept myself for the cartoon character that I really am instead of wasting my time pretending to be serious. Honestly, I hope that day comes soon because I’m running out of room to hide my calendars.

-Kathleen

#Kathleen #funny #real life #grown ass woman #college #responsibility #stress #college life

Counterpoint: A Pair of Albatrosses around my Neck, or, Why Boobs are Overrated

Tits only get in the way of the finer things in life. Not since middle school have I been able to touch my elbows together. Can you imagine what that’s like? And everyone knows the best hide-and-seek spots are the narrow spaces behind bookshelves and doors - again, off limits thanks to my perpetually inconvenient breasts. You say you want to go for a quick run? Not before you squeeze yourself into a spandex vice grip, unless you want to put someone’s eye out.

Since heterosexual men control society’s norms, and heterosexual men (misguidedly) like boobs, you would think it would be fine for me to just let them roam free. You might even think this was how nature intended boobs to be. Wrong. They want you to bring your cleavage to the party, but your nipples are not invited. Since no top in my experience has succeeded in hiding my nipples since medieval armor went out of style, I have to go to a store and buy a bra, which invariably means having a sixty-year-old Eastern European woman stare intently at my boobs, and possibly into my soul, only to go away silently and return with something lacy and expensive. I’m just not about that life.

Oh, who am I kidding? I lied. I lied about hating boobs, and I lied about having boobs. The awful truth is that I’m just jealous because I’ve got a chest like a surfboard. My A-cups and I are doing the best we can with what nature gave us, but I have no problem putting my elbows together. But still, a girl can dream, right?

-Kathleen

#boobs #boob problems #girl problems #struggles #funny #Kathleen

Point: The Gay Man's Argument for Boobs

I mean, you've seen them, right? They're great. They are always just there, and even when you are trying not to notice them you just can't help yourself. Even when you are having a serious conversation with a woman, you and she both know that you are aware of those big soft knobs protruding from her chest where the pectoral muscles should be. I would say they were unnatural if it weren't for the fact that we kind of need them for a critical biological function.

All the highest forms of humor are based around the boob. For example, when you notice a woman with a large bust just doing something absentmindedly and she doesn't realize that she just dropped something right down her cleavage. It's fantastic. She doesn't know it, but you do. It's one of the greatest feelings in the world, and an archetypal theme that can be found in many an example of classical literature.

Boobs also have practical purpose. Yeah, there is that whole milk production thing. I guess that that is kind of important. But I'm talking about purposes that really matter, the most significant of which is their fantastic ability to smuggle goods in and out of secure locations. Just think of all the things that can fit in between or on the underside of two breasts, such as a flask. Anything that can facilitate drunkenness is okay in my book.

A lot of girls like to complain about how inconvenient or annoying it can be to have breasts. And really girls, I do try to sympathize. But know that while, much like childbirth, having boobs is a difficult cross to bear, you do it for the good of all mankind. Also like childbirth, it is possible that your boobs are womankind’s punishment for the fall of man. I’ll have to check with my priest on that one. Nonetheless, thank you, ladies, for all that you have to offer. It is all that you have to put up with, from your boobs to men, that truly make you the stronger sex.

-Shane-

#Shane #Point/Counterpoint #women #breasts #boobs #funny #girl problems

Kim Jong-un: The Badass We Need

What happened to us, world? When did we become this hippyish place that’s all about “cooperation” and “peace”? This is life, not preschool. If there is an awesome toy you want you don’t worry about having to share or play by the rules; you get it and you use it, even if that toy is a nuclear weapon capable of wrecking enormous destruction. Scratch that, especially if it is a nuclear weapon.

America used to have some pretty badass leaders. Andrew Jackson was the target of an attempted assassination, and what did he do? He didn’t run for the Secret Service like the little girls that we elect as presidents nowadays. Instead he nearly beat that motherfucker to death with a cane. And JFK didn’t care about appearances, he went around sleeping with everyone from Marilyn Monroe to Audrey Hepburn. Audrey Hepburn.

Speaking about appearances, just look at Kim Jong-un. He clearly doesn’t give a fuck about what he looks like. And you know what? He still can get any girl he wants. He saw a pretty, famous pop-singer and decided that that was going to be his wife. And it happened, no problem. Obama may think he was playing it cool, slyly inviting Beyonce to perform at his inauguration. But we all know that he is totally Michelle’s bitch.

Let’s compare Obama and Jong-un a little farther. Obama is Mr. President. Jong-un is Supreme Leader. Secondly, the greatest myth surrounding Obama is that he was born in Hawaii, instead of Africa. Kim Jong-un, meanwhile, is the son of a man whose birth upon a holy mountain was heralded by the heavens. Kim Jong-un holds up that divine legacy of his father and grandfather.

Okay, so the human rights abuses in North Korea are dire. And maybe Kim Jong-un is on the verge of inciting a violent war. But Kim Jong-un is a shining example of how to be a complete badass. He makes threats and he follows through. And in this era when the UN can’t even make up its mind to help in a situation as horrible as Syria, it is refreshing to see a leader with some convictions. Even if they are completely misguided and deplorable.

-Shane-

#Shane #funny #North Korea #politics #ir #Andrew Jackson #satire #macho #militarism #Kim Jung-un #Kim Jung Un

The Blond Beacon of Hope: The Life and Accessories of Hillary Clinton's Hair.

Unlike Hillary herself, Hillary's hair unfortunately declined to comment at today's Women in the World Summit, so we've put together a gallery of other moments in the brilliant career of Hillary Clinton's hair.

Check out the transcript of Hillary's awesome address here, courtesy of the Daily Beast

#Hillary Clinton #hilldog #Hillary Clinton's Hair #hair #inspiring #funny #beautiful #wiw13

An Open Letter to Hillary Clinton's Hair

Dear Hillary Clinton’s Hair,

This may be forward of me, but I think I love you. I love your headbands and your scrunchies and your truly impressive amounts of hairspray. In the governmental sea of comb-overs and tired, cottony mops, you stand out like a brash, blondish beacon of hope. Truly, Hillary Clinton’s Hair, you are an inspiration to me, as you should be to all young people.

#Kathleen #Hillary Clinton #Hillary #funny #open letter

goknightley

I have BIG plans for this weekend.

unrealpersons-blog

Been there...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bl_ydiLn434

#moon river #lisa hannigan #too true #the outs

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