Feeling Box

[unseenkiddo]

What now?

i'm sitting alone on a bench, at McD eating my french fries and sometime dip it into my mcFlurry. Open my laptop, downloading Fear Street. What am I thinking? I don't know actually. Maybe i'm just acting like this (typing on laptop at Mcd) so I look 'busy'. Pretend that I do something important. Maybe like a freelance, or magazine writer. or even a college student whom seems busy working on her thesis.

But what actually I am doing right now? Nothing, srsly. I'm just sitting here. From the outside, looks like that i am a cool person but i am dead inside. I always anxious thinking what would happen next. What would happen tomorrow, what would happen the next 10 years. I'm terrified. I fear that time tick-tocking. I'm afraid to think who I am gonna ended up with 5 years for now? or am I still alone? Do I happy? or even worse, am I going to die? I don't know but i'm afraid to all of those possibility.

and... mostly i think about is my job. After my contract ended here, what would I do next? I really dont know and i'm afraid.

I'm afraid to almost everything right now. I have this feeling like i just want to rest. To lay down on my bed without any of these feeling. Just like laying down peacefully.

-e

[unseenkiddo]

Hope today’s ended well.

-e

[unseenkiddo]

It feels like i'm not belong here or did I just hate this kinda situation? Adunno. I choose to leave then. Even just for a sec. This is my choice. Ok here's the situation, today is this person's birthday and whole people celebrate it. Instead of join, i just go to the nearby mosque. Run away. Told ya, i hate that kinda situation. Who am I, tho?

-e

[unseenkiddo]

This song exacly reminds me that ‘fire’ feeling when I drew potrait. When I had my old laptop. Why it feels like... i miss this memories a lot!!! I wanted to cry. Where did it go? My fire sensation by just drew a line... I miss those.

-e

[unseenkiddo]

Just look at my old screenshoot folder. I found all of my memorable screenshoots with my friends. Then I figure it out, time is really cruel. Time changes everything. People I used to talk to, people I used to laugh with. Everything’s changed. Feels like we walk to our path, differently, separated, and finally we’re not seeing eachother anymore. Whatta cruel big shit, Time is,

-e

[unseenkiddo]

when you in a room, and you’re the only one that wear a mask. SHAME! I mean, fuck covid. But, I feel like i’m battling alone. Sorry mate, i’m not gonna take my mask off.

-e

[unseenkiddo]

another morning, another hope-time-will-pass moment.

-e

[unseenkiddo]

Sometimes, all you need is get a simple "be careful" from strangers.

-e

[unseenkiddo]

I always think, what will happen if you go to sleep but you’re not able to wake up? You stuck in your nightmare, still thinking if you’re dreaming but you can’t tell. You’re dying to wake your body up but nothing happen. You still there. Dark. Endlessly silent. Forever. Then you scream. Out loud. So loud that it breaks your throat and lungs. But you still there.

[unseenkiddo]

How is it like to be discovered when you’re....... gone? Like your post suddenly viral, everyone else feel the same way and seems like the world just give their arms to rest but you’re not there anymore. Youre... buried. #justask

-e

[unseenkiddo]

Sabrina Carpenter’s

Time will heal everything.

Yah. Aku percaya sepenuhnya. Satu-satunya cara menyembuhkan luka -atau apapun itu- adalah membiarkan waktu mengiringinya. Biarkan waktu mengambil alih. Kalau perlu, aku ingin pergi sejauh mungkin mencari ‘obat’ku sendiri.

[unseenkiddo]

I wrote this more than a year ago. I think time will heal everything.... but what I didn't expect back then, once your wound heals... there will be another wound and another wound and another wound and bruises. But suddenly I realised, life is just being wounded and heals. Thanks to our bruises, our bruises that made us human.

- e

[unseenkiddo]

LONELY

Fuck, I'm lonely... I'm lonely as fuck.

This is my anthem now. I love being alone but I hate this lonely feeling. Feeling that slowly drowning you into the deep sea, nothing but darkness. Feeling that made me cry also numb.

I'm not depressed, maybe this is just lonely? I don't know, you tell me please...

Feeling when your important person just going back to their place and you just sat there, alone, and lonely.

Please, The Universe...

Give me strenght, to face all of this things. The things that I'm not even sure about. Before it kills me.

But I know, The Universe is still with me.

At least, I'm not that lonely.

- e

[unseenkiddo]

SECOND CHANCE

I dont know how I feel about this. Yes i'm not alone but still... it hurts. A lot.

How can I handle it? We are all deserve second chance, but ... what could I say? I'll try my best but still... it so damn hurts.

Why everyone else's life are better than mine? Maybe because I expect too much and didn't love myself?

I hate this pressure, adulting really suck. But i only want to spread kindness. To my family, to others. May the Universe let me.

I always think that I am pathetic and useless, but no I dont. I just, didn't try too hard. So, i deserve my second chance. I'm not gonna waste my second chance. A chance to fix everything I did wrong.

The Universe.... please, give me a second chance.

-e

[unseenkiddo]

WHY?

I keep asking myself, WHY?

Why I became a lame person, Why I can’t be anyone that makes their family proud, Why I can’t find the right person to talk to, Why I can’t even say anything good about myself. Just WHY?

I love my family, I love my grandma, my aunts, my cousins. I’m so happy whenever they’re here. But, when they aren’t... things feel so different. I feel those emptiness and numb. I feel all those bad things, all I need just a friend or my family. But.... I don’t know. I just feel so empty.

-e

[unseenkiddo]

Don’t Trust Someone. Just don’t.

Here i am. Again.

I’m sure this is the only place I visit when so many things stuck on my mind. Okay, no need to tell how am I because sure... I don’t feel so good, yet. Past months I kinda have this trust issue with someone. HOW COULD I TRUST YOU??? Okay, TRUSTED! Silly me. But thank god,I learn something about you. You are a cheer up girl, but deep down you’re just a monster. I just hate how you possibly honest to someone without thinking? Looking for attention? huh?  

Okay. I forgave her. But things aren’t same anymore. Trust can’t be fixed and life’s moving on. So... bye.

For everyone, i told you this most useful words in the world. Magical words. Don’t trust anyone.

-e

[unseenkiddo]

HELLO-BORING-LIFE MY OLD FRIEND!

Guess what.... I’m back to my old-boring-routine. Laying on bed all day and doing nothing. Thinking about life, death, friends, family, money, god, everything. Almost everything. 

I keep asking myself, what is wrong with me? seriously?

I’m afraid to almost everything. I’m afraid to die in my sleep. I’m afraid to try something new. I’m afraid to make myself a better person. I only imagine what if I were a famous person, or rich person, whoever that i think has more better life than I. 

am I a Coward? Maybe yes, maybe not.

I just keep blaming all this to anyone-but-me instead of me. 

I don’t think i have friends that could understand me, no one could. Even I can’t understand me. That’s so lame.

Time keep tick-tocking but my biggest fear is to die meaningless. 

[unseenkiddo]

A Question to Myself

I have this unaswered question in my life :

“Am I Happy?“

Truth is, I don’t even know what is happines. This is funny, because... I have complicated feeling about everything. Many people told me that love and family bring happines. But deep down, I keep questioning, are they? And... yeah I heard that too, Happines is depends on you. You created it. Make yourselves happy and boom! happy ending. 

But I need to tell you something about me, okay... I don’t have an ideal family. I was raised without mom since 8th yo. I have such-a-dismissive father, I mean really. And after that, I loved to living in my own world. My own fantasy. Just to get away from my fucked-up real life. That’s why it is so hard to loving someone just like normal person. Forgive me for what i’m going to say, but I hate my father a little bit. My mom was dead but it just feels like i’m an orphan. I got into my teens keenly lack of father figure. Sometimes i wonder, why my mom? Why not him? 

So, no love and happy family... I guess? Where is that ‘Happy’ come from then?

Myself? For now... All I think about me just insecurity. I always have this feeling like i’m not enough. No one needs me. I’m okay with that. But, beeing stuck alone and everyone around you keep going up is.... depressed. I can’t reach them all. I’m stuck.

People around me? I don’t really know if they’re actually care. But I don’t wanna share my unnecesary problem with ‘em. and seriously... I’m not even sure what my problem is. 

I, Once, had someone that really care about me and slowly I trust him. When I ready to stepped up, he’s gone. Like... he left. So, okay. I really prepared with this kinda situation.

what about money? That is not a huge problem. For now I just struggling to find a job. I have enough for living (after my prior job).

So... Am I Happy?

My answer now is.... Not yet. But what i’m sure about is... I will be happy.