Words you'll never get to read

[unsent--letters--to--b]

Dear B,

You just have no idea how hurt I was or I am.

You just have no idea how I cried for two days. (I never knew I could cry like that-- tears would just fall down without warning). 

You have no idea I was crying the whole time while we were texting. (I guess it’s a good thing that we don’t do phone calls or else you would’ve heard my voice quiver)

You have no idea how much I wanted to see you for the last time just to say goodbye. (We didn’t actually say goodbye even in our last convo)

I wanted to tell you about what I felt afterwards but what’s the point? It’s not as if it’s gonna change anything. Even if I tell you, I know you can’t do anything to appease what I feel. Maybe you’ll just say sorry and that won’t change anything. I don’t need an apology. I’ve heard that from you a hundred times already. 

[unsent--letters--to--b]

D*mn You!

Why do you have to resurface in my life again? 

I was starting to really be ok, like super OK, but then you have to show up on my IG and you even liked that damn picture! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

After unfriending me on snapchat and not responding on my letter now you looked me up on IG?! WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT?! I thought were gonna be out of each other’s life? WHAT NOW?! 

[unsent--letters--to--b]

I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here 'Cause I remember it all, all, all too well.

[unsent--letters--to--b]

The Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place, And I can picture it after all these days.

And I know it's long gone, And that magic's not here no more, And I might be okay, But I'm not fine at all.

[unsent--letters--to--b]

Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new

Now I've thought it through Crawling back to you

[unsent--letters--to--b]

I'm sorry to interrupt it's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you I don't know if you feel the same as I do But we could be together, if you wanted to

If this feeling flows both ways (Sad to see you go) Was sorta hoping that you'd stay (Baby we both know) That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

Crawling back to you

[unsent--letters--to--b]

Dear B

It’s so unfair, here I am feeling sad and all but there you are on the other side of the world probably having the best time of your life. You’re just soo annoying! Why do you have to do this when you know Christmas is coming? I really really want to get angry with you but I can’t coz I know what I had gotten myself into the first time I felt our connection. It’s not even your fault coz it’s not as if you forced me into this mess. It’s something I created myself.

[unsent--letters--to--b]

Dear B

It’s almost 1am and here I am crying after a few weeks. Fvck! I felt like crying days prior to this but the tears just won’t come. I’m trying my best to be ok but there are days or moments that i feel sad. And you know what’s sad? It’s the finality of it all! How you made it seem like you wouldn’t change your mind without me being able to say a proper goodbye to you, to what we had.

[unsent--letters--to--b]

Dear B

You said we’d talk about it, but you just decided  on your own without even talking to me. I knew it was coming but still, i was caught off guard. 

[unsent--letters--to--b]

It started in Paris, ended up in Rome.

I will forever remember those solo trips I had this year. 

Those trips made me wish I was with you, for you have done something to me that even I can’t fathom. I used to want to be alone but you made me want to be with someone. I wasn’t sure if it was the idea that I made myself believe or it was just you being you. 

(I don’t know why I started this blog exactly but maybe making this blog will help me forget or move forward from our “almost” and also I am comforted with the thought that I can still share my thoughts without you reading it.)