Words From An Untalented Mind

Hi

[untalentedmind]

Welcome

If you are here by intention, then that means you’ve influenced a part of my life that I am eternally grateful for.

If you know me then you know I am not the best when it comes to showing gratitude.

Invitation to this place, my thought bubble, and reading words unspoken, means I trust you with my very life.

If you are here by chance, then

Welcome

[untalentedmind]

Love the payoff of finally having the main couple confessing in a manga.

[untalentedmind]

Gratitude and Closure

This is not an invitation for us to restart anything.

I'm writing this to show as a way for me to indirectly talk to you.

After I send this, I likely won't be replying if you follow up.

I just received your duck.

I saw it was postmarked 7/20.

My landlord handed me the box as I officially leave and move away from my first independent home.

I just finished reading all 19 pages.

You are insane.

But you are also one of the most loving, caring, beautiful, and nicest person I am blessed to know.

As my manager, the one that was out on maternity leave, came back.

We've started to end our weeks by saying what we are grateful for or celebrating.

The past two weekends, my friend and I have been cleaning my old apartment before the new tenants move in.

My friend remarked how much they liked the scrub daddy cleaning solution putty that you got me when you first cleaned my apartment.

There was a resounding "Thank you T——", throughout the day.

Today is 8/11, Sunday. For many people, like me, it's the end of the week.

Aside from what I'm normally grateful for.

I'd like to take the time to say, Thank you Tammy.

I hope when we were together, I said that enough or showed it.

You were one of the few things that made my day better in what was a tumultuous start to the year.

I can honestly say that you've treated me better than anyone else before you.

And for that I am forever grateful to you, and you will always have a special place in my heart.

Reading over your 19 pages of notes

...again insane...

It warms my heart that you know me so well and can even make note of parts I'd laugh

I am so proud of you taking a conscientious journey for your health.

I'm also glad to hear that you're attending classes without my nagging.

(I also hope Jackie is getting better)

Now here's the closure...

I felt like I couldn't do for you and much as you had already done for me.

There was still a part of me that couldn't fully trust you after what you had done to me when we had talked the first time.

But getting over all of that.

I felt guilty throughout those 6 months because, I just didn't know if I could get to a point where I would like you as much as you liked me.

There were just too many uncertainties for me to feel comfortable.

And I know that if we try to restart something anytime soon.

It would just end even worse.

I would be wondering how much longer this would all last.

You would be filled with anxiety of wondering when I'd leave again. (yes, I will admit I left)

And I would feel uncomfortable with the fact that you would be doing everything you can to keep us together and doing things that you believe would satisfy me or keep me from leaving.

It wouldn't be genuine.

I hope in the future.

We can both look back with lessons learned.

And we can look forward to what's in front of us.

Thank you again for being you.

[untalentedmind]

Grief

I view grief as a form of poetic justice

The feeling of pain, fear, guilt, and shame takes over and envelops me

Like a terrible stormy wave

Pain of losing a loved one

Fear that nothing would go right or something bad is around the corner

Guilt of not spending more time or leaving behind words unspoken

Shame of not living up to expectations

Punishing me for not being the best son that I could have been, the best worker for XYZ company, the best friend for the people in my life, the list can go on and on

Many try to fight the wave and go against it to brave it

I've tried many times, unsuccessfully, trying to harness these waves into a bottle

But nature is too strong to keep it encased

These bottles I keep end up shattering and overwhelming me

I panic as I hold my breath underwater

I pass out

..Scary..

I wake up and I'm ashore

I'm alive

The nature of waves is that they come and they pass

Rather than fighting through and going against them

It's best to give myself permission and courage to welcome the storm

Let the wave flow through me and take me where it wants me to go

This serves as a reminder

With every wave of grief that hits me and envelops me

It will hurt at first

It will be scary

But I know that eventually, it will pass

I've survived one before, I'll make it back to shore with the one I'm riding right now, and I will welcome the next one with open arms.

[untalentedmind]

Letter To My Dad - Disappointment

First time

You took me to soccer practice, you bought me shoes I just wanted to learn how to play soccer, I remember I couldn't run as much, so You made me sit down

All I remember clearly from that day was the disappointment on his face that was so visible.

Happened multiple times after that. I would wake up early, You would get mad at the little things, and end up either dropping me off at home.

Or making me sit on the sidelines while I play my Gameboy.

I guess in retrospect, I was probably invading his time away - their own form meditation.

Second Time Around the time of middle school - bad grades blah blah blah

On top of that, I remember You took me to a Tae Kwon Do tournament in Burbank

It was an all day affair

I think I was so nervous to fight, I couldn't eat all day, had a headache, whilst also seeing the stress and annoyance on Dad's face

Because this was also the time You was running his own shop

By luck, I got 2nd place, in front of other parents, Dad put on a welcoming face

In the car, it was nothing but disappointment

I remember getting back home and for the rest of the day, I cried myself to sleep while telling myself how much of a disappointment I was

I think this was probably the first domino of my confidence wavering and self-shame

Many Other Times After That It was a constant cycle of what it seems like I couldn't please the one person I wanted acknowledgement from

I seeked that acknowledgement because I looked up to him

And it's funny

Now that I am at a point in my life where I finally have your acknowledgement

Why is it that it doesn't make me feel whole

Now all that's left is the look of disappointment on my face.

[untalentedmind]

Why am I like this 🤦‍♂️

I hate myself for having these emotions

Being so easily swayed

To anyone that would give me the time of day

To anyone that would find me attractive

To anyone that would be willing to connect* with me

*In many ways more than one

I hate myself for being like this

I wish I didn’t care so much

I wish I had the ability to just move on

I wish I had the courage or ego to just find someone

I wish I was better

I keep making excuses for myself

School

Lack of reliable income

Living situation

But in the end

Excuses are excuses

I only make them to make myself feel better

I need to do better

I need to be better

I wonder if I’ll ever get there

I wonder if I feel like I’m behind everyone

When in reality

I’m on the same pace

Difference is

Everyone has different finishing points

[untalentedmind]

Ballads For Blonded After Hours by Christopher Chung

Playlist · 26 Songs

One thing I definitely missed doing was making “mixtapes” by burning songs onto CD’s for car rides.

Here’s a mixtape I made from Frank Ocean, The Weeknd, & Joji

Separated in 3 Parts

Act 1 - Tracks 1-10

Act 2 - Tracks 11-18

Act 3 - Tracks 19-26

[untalentedmind]

Death

It’s a very ironic thing

You lose someone

Someone that might’ve meant the world to you

You feel lost and empty

You’ve lost real estate in your heart and piece of mind

The irony is it brings people to you

Some that mean the world to you as well

Others you haven’t talked to in a while

Or those that you don’t even talk to at all

You feel the comfort and full with compassion

You’ve gained support and peace of mind

It’s hard to compare deaths

Every death is significant

Each death is so taxing

When the support is there it helps so much

It’s hard to say where one can reach the point where they can confidently say

I’m okay

Even now, one year 2 months 4 days 11 hours and some odd minutes

I can’t say I’m okay or say that I’m even close to being okay

The slightest of triggers end with waterfalls to run down my cheek

It gets better with time

One doesn’t get over it however

You just get better at dealing with it

Better at managing it

————————————————————————

My personal message to you now (as if I’m not talking to you already)

I’m so glad you’ve kept this headspace to what it intentionally was for in the firstplace

Our own mini world

Of course, over time both of us have let friends in to see the inner workings of our conscience

One thing I hated, well not hate, disliked about you was how willing you were to fall on your own sword

The blame can’t be all on you

We both used each other because we wanted - maybe not the relationship - but the happiness and comfort we were able to provide for each other

Looking back, I’m actually grateful you stepped up and did what was necessary for yourself

And I’m so grateful you didn’t take me back in my moment (one of many) of weakness

It’s so funny, after all this time

We still write here in our headspace

Knowing that the other would read it

Like little (well rather long) post-it notes

One can only wonder what could have been

If we had actually talked like this in person

I hope you and you’re family are doing well. You will always been on my mind HK

[liveitout-]

“Find me now. Before someone else does.”

— Haruki Murakami, 1Q84  

[untalentedmind]

God,

I hate sleepless nights

Ive purposefully avoided coming back onto tumblr

I’ve never really had the inclination to comeback here

It’s so hard to read back on the things I’ve written

I cringe whenever I read back on my old stuff

But it is reassuring

Reassuring to see how much I’ve changed

How much I’ve grown

Everytime I’m here

I’ve resisted the urge to read back on the stuff we’ve both written about us

I still write like you’re reading for some reason

Like as if you’re still keeping up

I can’t believe I thought I was ready to spend my life with you

Maybe in a parallel universe, (like the one they’ve found recently) its still a possibility out there

But here in our reality

I think that ship has sailed

I don’t think I’ve ever said it here, at least

But I’m okay with that

I remember not being okay with it for so long

Like so so so so

SoooOooo

Long

Not even after you started a new chapter

I can honestly say that I wasn’t okay with it

I’ve never divulged that information except to two people that I’m not even close to anymore because of drama

I wonder what it took for me to be okay with it

Was it before my first interlude after you

Or was it after that part of the album had finished so quickly

(I know very inconsistent talking about book structure and music/album structure that’s just how my mind works)

So much has happened since our chapter ended

We both lost someone we loved so much

And yet things are still the same

We’re both dealing with our own form of hardship

The ink may have dried on our chapter

But I still hope everything is well with you

I’m still waiting to write the next chapter

While you’re still writing yours

I’m eagerly waiting to spill some ink

And who knows?

Maybe even record a ballad (ugh cringe didn’t know what to write but I know I wanted it to relate to music)

I wonder if I’ll be able to find that spark

It’s a terrible curse that we both have

We’re prepared to fall so hard

And not be appreciated for it

I’m so happy to hear that you finally found someone that appreciates you as much as you deserve to

I wonder what the next chapter of my book will look like

I wish (online)dating was easier hahaha

It’s so funny I feel like after our chapter i feel like I kinda forgot how to talk to women

Or maybe when our chapter ended, you took my confidence with me

That’s bad on my end tho

My confidence is slowly forming

But it’s not enough to go to a stranger and be like

What’s up. Or hi

Hahaha I’m so fucking lame Hahahaha

One thing I do appreciate about writing

Is that it helps keep the anxiety at bay for a while

Long enough for the sand to make its way to my eyes

So I I’ll end it here

[untalentedmind]

Illegible

The time we shared was brief

We knew what were getting ourselves into when decided to that night in Normandie

But I can at least say that for both of us

We never expected to go the way they did

For weeks I’ve been trying to pick your brain

I’m a wallflower

That’s what I do

But you’re honestly one of the hardest people I’ve ever tried reading

In the brief time

We’ve already shared so many memories

So many laughs

So many little moments

In the brief time

I feel like we’ve gotten to know each other fairly well

But I still couldn’t read you

Tonight

The night you said you wanted to stop seeing each other

I still couldn’t read you

At least for the moment

Then

Like a speeding truck driving on the wrong side of the street

It hit me

As we walked

Hand in hand for the very last time

Your hands said so much more than your mouth had these past weeks

We stood in front of your place for minutes

And I can see water coming from your eyes

And at that small moment time stood still

And the words of your brain finally became clear

I know I said I’d text you when you leave

But i don’t know if I could

Rather

I don’t know if I should

So here’s the best way I can

Like I’ve always done with my past chapters

Goodbye my Cinderella

[untalentedmind]

Wtf is up with me and women who plan to move to Korea once I start something with them 🙃

I feel so lost

And pathetic

But somehow happy

The universe is quite cruel

And it obviously enjoys toying with me

And especially my social life

I never liked expiration dates

But I guess it’s better to know when it will end

As opposed to a surprise ending

But is one really better than the other?

[untalentedmind]

Give me reasons we should be complete

You should be with him, I can't compete

You looked at me like I was someone else, oh well

Can't you see?

I don't wanna slow dance (I don't want to slow dance)

In the dark

[untalentedmind]

Not even in a million years..

I thought decades would pass by

Before I ever even wrote this

...

I’m sorry that you wouldn’t be able to see me graduate

I’m sorry you wouldn’t be able to see any of your children get married

I’m sorry that you wouldn’t be able to see your future grandchildren

...

I’m sorry I wasn’t the best son

I wish I could say I tried my best to be

But I can’t even say that..

I’m sorry that I did nothing but disappoint you

...

I hope you can forgive me

For all the wrongs

And for all mistakes

...

I hope that you watch over us

Since you’re up there now

...

Pray for us

Like you always have

...

One more sorry

...

I’m sorry I couldn’t say it before you moved on

But here it goes

...

I love you

[untalentedmind]

I understand

I understand

I get it

Sometimes I wish I didn’t understand things so well

It puts me into a state of total confliction with my self

It’s hard to see things from both sides

I understand

None of your kids seem to be making it

None of them have shown they can survive by themselves

Your wife is one of the most stubborn person you could ever meet

You’re overworked and tired and can’t enjoy your later years because you still have to provide for your family

You’ve grown up with both a silver platter and later a silver tongue that was as equally strong as a stiff hand that also met your face..

You lost a brother and a niece in the past two years..

Your wife of 30+ years is going through her third bout with cancer..., but this time it’s not going as well as the first two times..

I get it

You think you’re a better father than your own dad was to you

But only because you don’t put your hands on us like yours did to you

You’ve felt emasculated because your wife was the main breadwinner ever since you lost the shop

Your kids have shown nothing and given you nothing back on your investment into their futures

I understand

You’re hurting because your wife is hurting

You’re worried what could happen if she’s gone

You’re mad that you didn’t push her hard enough

You’re mad she got so engrossed with this church and it’s pastor

You’re mad that your kids are amounting to nothing

But do you really have to talk that way?

Why do you have to act like that?

Why can’t you be more pleasant to be around?

Why can’t you just be nice?

Why must every time you yell at me or talk to me in that tone it takes me back into a younger version of myself having my first panic attack

Why..

Why....

Why do you have to be such a dick?

We’re all hurting, not just you

We’re all worried, not just you

Why did you have to be this way

Why can’t I actually like you

Why do you have to be such a fucking prick?

Why...

Why....

God dammit

I hate that I understand why you do what you do

I hate that I get it

[untalentedmind]

Self love is the best love

[untalentedmind]

"My cheek brushes against his

Smooth on stubble for a moment

And then it's gone

He walks along the platforms into the dream

Every fiber in me wants to shout and scream

'Stop!'

To run across to him, to take him in my arms

To tell him, 'I love you! You silly, silly man, I love you!'

But instead I stand still

Heart cracking

Those little curls on the back of his head bouncing

As he steps out of my life, forever"