after i TRIED keeping my distance from him for 3 months, i decided to greet him on his birthday yesterday. a sincere friendly bday greetings. pathetic, right? hey. my mind tried to stop me from doing so, but my heart just... sigh.
so yeah, i greeted him, then put the chat on message request coz i decide not to see his reply or that i will only check if he replied the time I am ready enough—emotionally—to talk to him. yeah i know it's funny. why would i even send him a message when i'm not even ready for a conversation, right? yeah i'm crazy, i get it lol
so after 14hrs, that's when i've decided to check for his reply, well IF ever *crossed fingers* he replied tho. who knows maybe he just ignored my message like the way i did to him before. but yeah, he replied tho. my heart actually... skipped.
he replied 'thank you', and that 'i was gone for too long'. i tried to reply the coldest i can *but failed miserably 'cause i felt guily not putting any 'hahaha' on replies*. i replied 'welcome' and that yes, i was gone too long but well, 'it's just okay' (not a big deal) tho.
and girl, i was seriously taken aback when he replied me with 'for you it's okay (but not for me). you're crazy'. eye—? idk if i just love putting meanings to his words but? i definitely didnt expect that? geez.. i dont even know what to feel knowing he wasn't okay when i suddenly went MIA. i mean i know noone wouldnt be okay being ghosted, but i didn't expect he would care that much to feel that way....
THAT. that's exactly the reason why i'm weak for him. why i can hate myself, but cant even hate him. why i cant let go of whatever feelings i have for him. because he's the first person who let me feel many 'first'. with him, for the first time, i feel enough, i feel needed, i feel important. he introduced me to new feelings i never felt before. i maybe overreacting but seriously, he's the first one.
because of him, i've realized that maybe your first love isn't really the first person you had a crush for the longest time, but the first person who made you feel loved, the person who taught you what love really is.
anyway drama aside, our chat goes on. we discussed many things—about the current crisis, the disease (covid-19), the government—we just shared each others opinions. he even shared his thoughts on "overglorifications" of health workers because he knows i'm also in medical field. and being one, i gave him my thoughts, my counter attack and yeah we reached an impasse lol but we still good tho. it's a healthy discussion.
THAT. that's one of the things i like about him. he always like sharing his opinions about sensitive topics like these. like? he's not the typical guy who either dont have any interest in discussing such things or only has nonsense arguments (well sometimes he has but rarely lol). he can surely defend his arguments very well like boy knows what he's doing. and i like that. most guys only likes to flirt but he's different. well, he's sort of a flirt but he's smart enough to do debate about things. lol
back to the story, after we had an impasse, i told him we just have to agree to disagree. we just laugh and then he replied to me:
"that's why you. you should (take care of your health and) not get sick"
"because if that happens, i wont have anyone to debate with anymore"
i chuckled at this. so i just joked at him: "wow~ you just dont want me getting sick for your own good. lol that was so selfish but thanks anyway hahahaha"
he then replied: "i was just kidding about the debate part. you're crazy hahaha"
well yeah, he's like this. he always try not to seem like he cares by being funny. but it always shows lol i can always feel his sincerity
wait- i didnt even notice this post getting long sksksksks anyway i'll end it here. i just wanna share all these while it's still fresh in my mind. might transfer this to my diary some other time. hehehe
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