Thoughts I Keep To Myself @upliftingquotes1234-blog - Tumblr Blog

Why can’t I die?

They say those looking to die don’t want to end their lives just the pain, but my life has been full with nothing but pain so for me ending my life is ending my pain. I’ve know for years I was different but I never knew why. Metal disorders are something that affects a grand majority of people today, if you don’t have it then you know someone who does. I am surrounded by people who love me and want to help me but these last couple weeks I’ve realized the only person that can help me is me but here’s the thing I don’t have the will to get going. I’m drowning more than I ever have been before and I know it’s about to get worse. The only way to end my pain is to end my life. This last week has been absolute hell for me and I don’t have it in me to keep pushing, I’m trying believe me I really am. When you know dying is the best option not only for yourself but for everyone else too then would the unselfish thing be to leave. No one understands the voices in my head that torment me every minute of the day. I put on my smile everyday and hide the fact that I want to die. The last time I told someone I wanted to die, he said “ well I’ve done everything I can, if you’re going to do it then I can’t stop you” and he’s right. Everyone has done so much for me and I’ve made everyone’s lives so hard because of it. I can longer bring myself to look at myself in the mirror because I am too disgusted with myself so why not just leave? I know it’s not the only option but it’s the best one and I want to do what’s best for everyone.

Kayla Serrano

Kayla they say that an ordinary friendships lasts about 7 years but I think it’s safe to say our friendship is anything but ordinary. I’ve had friendships longer than this but I’ve never gone through so much with any of them as I have with you, that’s how I know this friendship will last a lifetime. They say that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. That some people come into your life to test you, some to teach you, and some to bring out the very best in you. You bring out the best in me. You make me laugh even when I’m not in the mood to smile, I don’t deserve you. You’ve cared for me even when I haven’t asked for it but have needed it the most. I know I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without your help. You really meant it when you said you would be here for me, it’s not that I thought you were lying when you told me this, it’s more of a no one has ever stuck around and cared about me this much .... literally no one. I know I’ve said you haven’t seen me at my absolute worst but that’s because I’m scared how you’ll react if you do, but you have.... you really have.You love me even on the days I don’t love myself. I made such an effort to make as many friends as possible this year but no matter how much I talk to them or spend time with them none of them means as much as you do to me. You are irreplaceable and will always have a special place in my heart. Even when I have a big smile on my face you’re able to figure out that I’m having a hard day. You believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. You bring out the best in me and I love who I am around you, I love how comfortable I can be around you and how I know you won’t judge me because I’m use to being judged and treated like crap so when I’m not judged and treated terribly.. it’s foreign to me. I love how there’s never a dull moment with us. You give me hope even when I’ve given up. You push me to get up even when it feels impossible for me to get up, when the only thing I want to do is lay in bed and not exist. Crazy to think about everything that’s happened in our friendship, growing to be best friends till we’re old is one of the many things I look forward to in the future. You’ve been there for me this entire time, Kayla I know I don’t say this enough but you don’t know how grateful I am to have someone in my life like you. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you and I wish you could love yourself the way I love you and above all that you get everything you deserve because you deserve the world. I couldn’t have asked for a better sister than you Kayla Serrano.

I’m good tho (April 23)

So the person I loved the most has been lying to me for so long. I keep give this girl a chance, time after time after time and she keeped hurting me because she had my heart. As weird as this sounds, once I took my heart back it no longer hurt. She still lied to me but it doesn’t hurt me as much. It’s hard to be honest with someone who lies to you, how can she ask me to be honest but she can’t return the favor? It seems like the less she’s in my life the happier I am because even tho I love her to death.... she’s no good to me. She just keeps lying to me time after time after time ... and I forgive her each time. This friendship was everything to me and nothing to her. I won’t tell her any of this because she doesn’t care...... to her it’s a game, playing with my heart to her is a game.

My last goodbye (April 21)

I have a car, I have family, I have friends, I have a job but tell me why arent I happy? I have a good life. Everyone around me seems to be happier when I’m broken, when I’m sad, when I can’t feel like I can’t go on any longer but someone please tell me why? Because I can’t figure it out. My brother thinks I’m being dramatic but he doesn’t know how much I’m hurting. There are days that I’ll feel so sad that the pain is physical. I just want to grab a knife and stab it thru my chest just so I can stop feeling this. I get a relief thinking about how easy it would be to just be done with everything. I have put everyone thru so much hell, all for what? For nothing. All for nothing.

April 20 th

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.

April 5th

Sitting in the garage, sobbing of course. It’s 10:22 I have time to run to my local CVS .... a bottle of pills and NyQuil is what I keep thinking of. Knowing damn well all this pain and all this suffering could end so easily if I just drove 5 minutes. Josué says he cares but he’s proven that not to be true, his actions say a lot more than his words do.... it hurts so much, he doesn’t even know or care. Kayla says she loves me but that’s all bullshit. I don’t have a reason to live if anything I have every reason to kill myself, so why don’t I do it. There’s nothing holding me back. I just keep thinking about how all this pain and misery can end so quickly. Jaden and Sofie kept secrets from each other and now I feel like that’s how me and Josue are. My mind is so fucked up. Why should I keep going, all I ask is just one reason to live ... just one. Is that too much to ask for. I focus more on dying that I do living, why is that? I told Josue everything I was going thru and he didn’t help, I don’t expect him to help but at least don’t fuck me up even more, I can’t handle it.... I just can’t. Josué you’ll never truly understand what I’m going thru not that you cared. I just keep thinking of how easily it would be..... I’d be gone by tomorrow. Everything would end tomorrow. These last couple weeks have been especially hard for me, I’ve just been dealing with it by myself. Everyday thinking “today’s the day” I’m just not going to show up to work tomorrow and end it all. I’m shaking all the time, my anxiety is sooo bad, I’m struggling so much, all I want is some relief. Is killing my self the only way to get out of this?

I think the thing the hurts the most is he put her before me .... his own family. He only cares about himself and himself only, he’s a good guy to everyone else I’ll give him that but why can’t I get the same Josué? Why do I get the douche bag, the fuck boy.... why? What did I do to not deserve it.

When I die (feb 2019)

When I die, I’ll be okay with that. I’m not scared of dying....that’s why I do a lot of crazy things, not because I’m trying to die but because once you don’t fear death then there’s nothing else to fear. There’s a lot of things I want to say to those I love. First, sorry to everyone for being an asshole, I could never be the person I was meant to be. I had this weird relationship with my family but I loved them so much even though my actions said different. Heymi, I’m sorry for putting you through so much hell. Josue, I’m sorry you had to deal with me the most out of everyone. You need to figure out your shit too because no one can help you if you don’t let them in. Little Jared I loved like my own kid that’s why I was so tough on him because of all his potential. Dad respect to dad for the work ethic he gave me and mom for always caring for me even when I was ungrateful. Kayla, you have so much potential, don’t mess it up because you have such a beautiful future ahead of you. Heymi don’t let this get to you because we all knew this was eventually coming. You’re tough Heymi and I’m sorry I could never be the sister you needed. Josue I stoped saying sorry to you a long time ago because I knew it didn’t mean anything to you anymore which is fine, you had every reason to hate me. There’s no excuse for my behavior but no one truly knew what it was like everyday for me, I’ve been wanting to do this for years for different reasons but I was never meant to live long, I came to terms with that recently. There’s no way I can keep living years like this, it’s too much.

Dec 19

I am tired of living, I can’t do this anymore. I want to cut so badly. I think I’m ready to die. Josue your the one person I opened up to in my time of need and instead of being there for me you made me want to kill myself even more, I wish I would’ve never told you anything because it’s one of my biggest regrets. It’s hard to accept that people don’t like you for you, they like you for your family and no matter what you do you’ll never be as good as him. How am I suppose to live knowing everything would be easier without me. My parents think I’m doing something bad again....because it’s so hard to believe I could actually be capable of doing something good for once.

Jan 01

There’s a lot of stuff I have to figure out in 2019, I to figure out what’s worth changing. I have no decide wether to tell my best friend that she always ignores me when my brothers around but she doesn’t even notice it and what if it only gets her mad but is it worth risking my friendship? Well that’s the thing I can’t stand being around her when he’s there, it’s like I don’t exist and that hurts because being treated like your worthless by strangers is fine but being treated worthless by your best friend....that’s just a slap in the face. The one thing that hurts me the most is to think about how I nearly don’t mean as much to her as she means to me. I need to know because it’s literally consuming me. This is the only thing bothering me right now, the ONLY THING.

Dec 2

You just crave someone? Like not a specific person or a spouse... more like a loving family member or caring friend. you wish for someone to know what your going through so that way you don’t think you’re going insane. You wish one person would love you because everyone else is always hurting you without knowing. The people around me are hurting me so much that I wish to isolate myself all the time. I scream at the ton of my lungs to let the pain because I feel l like the pain is too much for my chest to handle. I keep telling myself that it’s only temporary...the pain, that if I hold out a little longer that it’ll all be fine. I have to be fine because I’m out of options. This life I live everyday, it’s not mine. I’ve already tried ending it once, i know I’ll be successful the next time I do it because this time I’ve actually done the math this time. It’s funny how people say one thing then do another, they say they want to know your problems and to help you but then their actions say otherwise next thing you know you’re the one apologizing and the see you as this depressed piece of shit who’s annoying because she’s a buzzkill when in reality she keeps looking for a reason not to kill herself but that’s the thing she’s gotta run out of reasons eventually, what if she’s already out of reasons? ... then what

Nov. 22

I’ve thought about killing myself more these last two months then I have all year. These thoughts they don’t go away and I have no one to help me....or no one that cares enough about me to help me go through it. I currently don’t have a reason to live, there’s nothing here for me. I live everyday because I have to but not because I want to. The worst part is no one knows, it’s so bad. I don’t know how to explain how bad it is, I just want everything to stop. All the pain, stress and problems I just want them all to stop. I can’t keep doing this for much longer, I can’t be fixed and it’s hard for me to accept this. I spent the day with two people and they just thought I was being a “downer” when little do they know everyday is a struggle for me. I wake up because I have to, I go to work because I have to, I talk to people because I have to but not because I want to. I’m almost 22 but I don’t think I’ve ever truly had a completely happy day my entire life and I don’t think I ever will. I only have one solution but it comes with a heavy price. I’m tired of surviving, I want to live, I want to be free.

Hiking

Someone asked me the other day why I loved hiking. Before that moment I hadn’t really thought what exactly it was that made me fall in love with hiking and as I sat there trying to give an answer I realized it wasn’t just one thing that made me fall in love with hiking. Hiking is a way for me to motivate myself, clear my mind and decrease my stress all while seeing some breathtaking views. When I’m hiking the only thing I’m thinking about is getting to the top, I’m not thinking about all the things I have to do when I get home or about all the things I have left to do at work, I’m not stressing about anything else, why? because those things are still going to be there when I’m done hiking. You may wonder how I can feel all these thing at once but there’s no better way that to go experience it for yourself. So next time your hiking and thinking to yourself “god this sucks, I should’ve just stayed home” stop and take a second to breath. Pay attention to your surroundings and focus on your goal. Now I’m not saying hiking is easy but you just need to know what trail to pick.

Depression

It’s something sadly almost everyone has now a days but what really counts as depression? So many people claim to have “depression” but the only thing that have accomplished is that now ....it’s hard to tell who really has it. Crying because you had a rough day isn’t depression, crying because people don’t agree with you is also not depression and having a couple crappy days at work is definitely not depression! You need to stop using depression as an excuse, you need to open your eyes and see how much it’s holding you back. I use to think I was depressed, but what I realized was I was focusing on only negative things in my life. The problems and issues are always going to be there but that doesn’t mean your depressed. You need to stop putting excuses, pick yourself up because guess what? in the end....the ONLY one that’s makes you miserable is yourself. Putting excuses will get you NO WHERE because you’ll never challenge yourself, you’ll never believe in yourself and you’ll never truly love yourself. The cure to your “depression” is self love because if you love yourself enough you’ll believe in yourself and you’ll change for the better. So you got a couple flaws? Who doesn’t but never use that as an excuse, don’t blame it on your so called depression instead push yourself to be better, to continue to improve, to keep on learning. Quit focusing on the negative and focus on the positive!Look at your life and take some time to think on how you can do better, on how you can be a better person. I was told “ a negative mind will never give you a positive life” and when you think about it, it’s 100% accurate. As imperfect humans we will always have problems but it is our job to not let it overtake our life. We are in control of our own actions, it is our duty to live our life to the fullest.

Every breath that I shared with you felt as if my sins didn't matter. I was accepted with open arms.

F.s. Yousf

There's a fire in my mind that no one else can see. Burning my thoughts, and forbidding me from attaining peace.

F.s. Yousaf

Deadline: March 25, 2017

poems-and-word

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