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Janaina Medeiros
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One Nice Bug Per Day
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Submissions
I wanted to say that my submissions are open! Just go to the Questions/Prompts button on my page and write down to your requests!
I write for:
Marvel
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Peaky Blinders
Sherlock
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🏳️🌈 I also write for ALL GENDERS in terms of characters and readers 🏳️🌈
My Atlantis - Part 3
John and Sherlock try to sort things out after their scandal.
Warnings: swearing
Part 1
Part 2
1425 words
“Detective Inspector, can you tell us more about the current relationship between Mr. Watson and Mr. Holmes? Is it true that the two of them are planning on getting married? So soon after Mrs. Morstan?”
Greg felt as if someone had just punched him in the face. He took a few minutes to collect his thoughts before responding. “Excuse me…? This is a press conference for an ongoing murder case.” Having to explain these circumstances felt ridiculous enough.
And he was right, this was a press conference for a murder case, but who cared about murder cases anymore? The press had a much bigger scandal to worry about. When the journalists started to continue with their questions about the relationship between John and Sherlock, Greg started to feel himself getting angrier and angrier by the second. This wasn’t just about people disrespecting his work as an inspector. This was about the people getting into the private lives of his friends. Calm down, Greg. You’re getting emotional again, this is not what they taught you.
Ah, who cares?
The inspector slammed one hand on the table in front of him to shut the crowd up.
“This conference is over. I don’t have the time to answer unnecessary questions about the private lives of people close to me. All of you should work on your perception of respect. Thank you.” His coworkers stared at him as he walked out but he just ignored their looks, he didn’t care anymore. The past few weeks had been hard enough on everyone associated with them.
John sat on the bed of his hotel room and stared at his reflection in the mirror in front of him. He didn’t recognize himself anymore. It wasn’t his appearance, he hadn’t changed at all. It was something inside of him that had changed completely, for the worse. He and Sherlock hadn’t talked for months now. It was as if he had lost his best friend yet again. And to make matters worse, simple things like grocery shopping weren’t possible without getting recognized and harassed by at least 2 people. But it was for the better. He needed the space, he needed the isolation more than anything else.
But his look still wandered to the phone in his hand.
Come home.
- SH
John knew that it probably wasn’t the best idea to meet Sherlock again, especially since he had no idea how to handle the current situation. Sherlock wasn’t the best when it came to empathy. It didn’t take long for him to make up his mind. The man quickly tied his shoes and walked out of the room.
“John, darling! Oh, I’ve missed you so much!” Mrs. Hudson pulled him into a warm hug, not letting go for several seconds. Even though John always thought of her hugs to be quite uncomfortable, he felt like he needed this one today. She looked at him with an encouraging smile on her face and stroked his shoulder. “Sherlock is upstairs, dear.”
John smiled a bit and gave her a thankful nod. “I missed you too, Mrs. Hudson.”
When he opened the door, Sherlock was already standing in the middle of the room, staring out of the window, as he always did when he was thinking about something. As he heard John entering the room, he turned around immediately, this wasn’t usual for him. “John.” “Hello, Sherlock.”
A few seconds of uncomfortable silence followed, which was finally broken by John.
“So, why did you want me to come here?”
“I figured you might need a place to stay. A hotel room isn’t the most comfortable to live in. And don’t worry about the groceries, Mrs. Hudson will get them for the both of us.” John slightly rolled his eyes and leaned against the doorframe. “How did you know that I was living in a hotel room? Did you figure it out by the state of my shoes? My hair maybe?” John's provocative tone seemed to hurt Sherlock, one could see it in the change of his look.
“No. I went to your place and talked to Mary. She told me that you moved out.” John bit his lip and let out a small sigh. “Look, I’m sorry… I’m just not in the right state of mind right now… I have lost a lot.” Sherlock nodded and took a few steps toward his friend. “I know. And I feel sorry for you. That’s why I’m offering you a place to stay. It might be best for the two of us to have something to distract ourselves.” For the two of us… So this seemed to hurt Sherlock as well. It made John feel a bit better.
“Thank you, Sherlock. Yes, I'd gladly stay with you, the hotel bed made my back hurt anyways.” The both of them shared a chuckle.
And it didn’t even take an hour for them to talk like nothing had happened.
They sat in their chairs, going over through some old cases when John leaned back and put his hands on his face. “My god… These past months have been exhausting. I thought I had lived through everything when I came back from the war.” He laughed a bit.
“Believe me, when I catch the bastard who sent those pictures to the newspaper…” John let out another laugh but, this time, Sherlock stayed silent. John gave him a confused look but Sherlock avoided eye contact.
“What’s up?” He chuckled. “You’re almost acting as if you were the one who-” It hit him.
“You utter…” John got up with a force that knocked over the armchair he was sitting in. His voice was quiet and monotone but one could hear the rage in it without looking him in the face. “I’m going to kill you.”
Sherlock didn’t hesitate to pull his gun out of his coat and pointed it at his friend with a cold look on his face. John stopped in his step and looked at him, his mouth slightly open from shock.
There they stood, frozen in time.
“...why.”
A tear rolled down Sherlock’s cheek as his hand started to shake.
“Because it was right, John. It was the ONLY right thing to do.” “It was what? You took everything away from me…” John couldn’t handle screaming right now, the shock was still too deep.
“Someone told me that one shouldn’t let the people they love make the wrong decisions. And I didn’t. You KNEW it was wrong, I saw your face, I took your goddamn pulse when you gave me that hug during my speech.” He slowly lowered his gun and John immediately started to take slow steps toward him.
“Believe me, John, I have been laying in my bed for nights, thinking about what to do. I can’t handle the thoughts of you living with the wrong person. Mary is a beautiful woman, god, she did so much for both of us, bless her soul. But she wasn’t the right person, she never was. They ALL never were. I know what you felt during that night, I know that YOU knew it was right. I offered you to stay with me, to stay with the right person. To make things right, to finally live the life you deserve. I am giving you the chance to forget about all of this chaos for just a few hours, to just feel at home. Because I know you’ve never felt that way when you were with her. Believe me, I have waited long enough for this, I had never planned to make a step in the first place. But alcohol never lies and since then, I’ve learned that nicotine, by far, isn’t the worst addiction of mine. And now you have the chance to live your life with the person you belong with. If you decide against it, go on. Push me out of the window, beat me down to the floor. I don’t care. Because I don’t want to carry on living without the person I truly love.”
John just stood there and stared into Sherlock’s eyes. This time, his eyes were full of emotions and one could see that the man was hurting like hell. One could see that he had been waiting to say those words for years. After a few minutes, John turned around, walked out, and shut the door behind him.
“Oh, John. You’re already leaving? I’ve heard some noise upstairs, is everything alright?”
“Yes, Mrs. Hudson. Don’t worry.”
“When will I see you again?”
“...Goodbye, Mrs. Hudson.”
My Atlantis - Part 2
After their fateful night, Sherlock is mentally preparing himself for his speech at John’s wedding. After a perfect day, things suddenly start to go south...
Warnings: swearing
Part 1
1361 words
John slowly opened his eyes. His head hurt like hell, he wondered why he never seemed to learn from being hung over. It didn’t take long for him to realize that he wasn’t in his bed. One more second and he realized that he wasn’t wearing any clothes. John could clearly picture their make-out session in the hallway, but honestly, he had seemed to forget every single thing after that.
His eyes slowly scanned the room when his look suddenly met a familiar pair of eyes. John let out a small scream and put his hand in front of his mouth, not wanting to wake anyone up. That’s when he noticed the arm around him and he looked to his side, at Sherlock, who was already staring at their unwanted visitor.
“Brother.” Mycroft nodded to greet the both of them and proceeded to say nothing. He preferred to stare at them until John decided to get up, completely taken aback by the situation. Sherlock tossed the blanket to the naked John for him to cover himself up. The man acted as if his naked best friend was the most normal thing in his life. John on the other hand couldn’t wait to get some privacy in the bathroom. As soon as he closed the door, he let himself sink down, slowly sitting down on the cold tiles. One by one, the memories from last night started to pour in and the man felt even more embarrassed. What had he done?
“Sherlock.”
“Shut up, Mycroft.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“I’m not stupid.”
Mycroft rolled his eyes. “You’re being stupid right now. What has gotten into you? And before the wedding too! Don’t you have any morals?” Sherlock was annoyed by the presence of his brother but if he was being honest with himself, it made things a whole lot easier. He wouldn’t have known how to start a conversation with John. “Why are you even here? How did you find out about this?” His brother let out a mocking laugh. “Oh, please. Half of London saw your little romance on the bench. Did you really think that you could keep this from ME?” Sherlock suddenly no longer cared about his brother's amusement.
“Mary.”
“Don’t worry, she doesn’t know…yet.” Sherlock pulled up his eyebrows and his brother did the same. “Do you expect me to keep her in the dark?” “Oh, come on. Since when do you care about other people?”
“I care about you!” Mycroft slammed his hand against the wall and John flinched. He had been listening to their conversation, or to put it better, he had been forced to listen since the both of them had no concept of tone. A few minutes later, John could hear a door slam shut and he finally got out of the bathroom. Sherlock was already standing in the hallway, looking at his friend.
“I’m sorry for waking you up like this. Do you need some tea? Coffee, maybe?” John was confused by Sherlock’s sudden change of behavior but he declined. “No, thank you… I think it might be best for me to leave for now…” Sherlock nodded and turned away. He didn’t want John to see the troubled look on his face. “Get some rest, it’s important. I will see you at the wedding.”
“Yes, of course…”
John played with the sleeve of his suit while biting his lip. He was pretty sure that nobody had ever seen him this nervous before, not even during the most complicated medical procedures. Mary smiled at her soon-to-be husband. She thought it was cute, him being nervous about marrying the love of his life. And yes, he was nervous. But for the wrong reasons.
Sherlock watched his friend from a distance, a glass in one hand and his speech in the other. John looked mesmerizing, totally beautiful… How badly he wanted to grab him and push him on that table behind him… Stop it, Sherlock. You need to concentrate. This is his big day. And you’re a part of it.
His eyes wandered to the speech in his hand and he started to feel a little nervous. He didn’t know if it was the right idea to still hold this speech. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop thinking about the night.
“Doesn’t he look nice?” Mrs. Hudson pulled Sherlock out of his thoughts and he nodded. “Yes, very nice.” His housekeeper just chuckled and gave him a slight push. “I always knew it. And, Sherlock dear, you shouldn’t let someone you truly love make the wrong decision.” He looked into her eyes, an exceptionally cold look on his face.
“The decision has already been made, Mrs. Hudson. You’re standing in the middle of it, there is no logical way for this to go any different. Sometimes, you have to accept a loss.”
It didn’t take long for the time of Sherlock’s speech to come. So far, he had managed to live through the day without slipping up. Now he stood there, in front of all these people and he felt himself getting a little nervous. Everyone had an expecting look on their faces and, god, he couldn’t bear looking to the side to see his best friend who was at least just as worried as Sherlock himself was.
After clearing his throat to catch everybody’s attention, Sherlock began.
“Ladies and Gentlemen… We have gathered here today to celebrate the wedding of the man dearest to my heart and the partner he found for himself, who suits him so miraculously. Before I start to embarrass John in front of everyone, I want to say that the two of you will always have my full support, I not only want you to know that I want you to expect it when you go through hard times. Because that’s what friends are for.” Mary smiled at the man with the thought that the word friend might still sound weird on his tongue when it came to her, but his tone had a different reason. He just couldn’t help himself. John, for his part, noticed his reasoning and stood up, grabbing his arm to pull him into a hug. Everyone in the hall clapped and expressed their sentiment as the both of them stood there, hugging. Except for Mrs. Hudson. She just sat on her chair, clapping while pressing her lips to a line. She knew that the both of them couldn’t keep up this facade for long.
Sherlock had a slight smile on his face. The day couldn’t have gone any better. His speech went well and John seemed to be happy. It was as if seeing his friend laugh was making him feel better as well. Was this how loving someone felt? You always wish the best for the one you love.
His eyes started to scan the room and suddenly, he saw one of the guests turning pale, a sheet of newspaper in her hands. It didn’t take long for the other people around her to change their facial expressions as well. Everyone started to look at either Sherlock or John. Greg was the only one to finally take a few steps forward. “You know…The dark side of being famous is that you’re never truly alone. Not even if it would be the best for you and everyone else in your life.” With those words, he handed the newspaper to Mary who was now staring at her newly wedded husband. Sherlock managed to get a glance at the picture everybody was staring at. There, on the front page of the newspaper, a big picture of the both of them, making out on some random bench in the middle of London. Sherlock knew that this wasn’t a big surprise, paparazzi were a constant threat to the modern world. But love seemed to make even the smartest people around us stupid enough to think that they would get away with kissing their best friend a week before their wedding.
In midst of all the chaos, Mrs. Hudson turned to look at her friend with a troubled expression on her face. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Sherlock…”
My Atlantis - Part 1
Sherlock takes his tasks as the best man pretty seriously. So he (drunkenly) teaches John how the perfect wedding kiss has to be like.
Warnings: Swearing
Part 2
1458 words
This part is set during the events told by Sherlock in the episode “The Sign Of Three”
“Let me go! Do you even know who I am? I’m Sherlock Holmes, I am smarter than you and your two coworkers combined!”
John sat on the stairs in front of the club and put his face in his hands, both because of nausea and because he didn’t want to see his friend beaten up by security. They wouldn’t let them in, no wonder, they were totally wasted. Sherlock had the perfect idea of getting John drunk to test his limits for the upcoming wedding. The wedding had been the only thing on his mind in the past few weeks, it nearly took up all space in his mind palace.
Finally, Sherlock decided to drop down next to his friend, looking at him with a slight grin. “That’s not gonna work.” John waved off and got up. “It doesn’t matter, let’s keep going. I don’t want these guys changing their minds in terms of beating you up.” Sherlock joined in his step. “They wouldn’t beat me up, they would risk losing their jobs since I’m drunk enough to fall in a deadly way.” John grinned a little bit. “Or maybe they just don’t want to waste their time with you any longer than they have to.”
The doctor watched Sherlock nearly running through the streets, a bit ahead of him. He was checking out every single detail, searching for something interesting to show John. Sherlock turned into even more of a know-it-all when he was drunk, but John found it pretty amusing. He loved watching his friend interact with other people, it always fascinated him how Sherlock never realized how annoying other people found him. Sometimes, he felt bad for him. John was Sherlock’s only real friend, aside from Mycroft and Greg. And Mrs. Hudson, of course.
He wondered if Sherlock could keep on like usual when he would be away more often now. John had to admit, that he almost felt a little insulted when he noticed that Sherlock seemingly had no problem with going on without John always by his side. But he knew that his friend was pretty good at acting and he didn’t want Sherlock doing some stupid things that would get him in trouble again, or worse, killed…again.
“Let’s sit down over here.” Sherlock suddenly stopped in the middle of his step and turned around, pointing at a bench on the side of the street. “The sky looks exceptionally great tonight, we should grasp it.” John raised an eyebrow at his friend’s unusual wording, but he agreed to sit down either way.
It didn’t take long for Sherlock to interrupt the “grasping” with another dialogue with himself. John had no chance to respond since Sherlock always seemed to answer himself faster than John could. The only unusual thing was that he started to giggle in the middle of his sentences every now and then. John had to admit that he found it pretty cute. Sherlock turned into a teenager when he was drunk, interesting. “Do you feel ready for your wedding day?” John looked over at his friend. “Well, can one really feel ready for a day like that?” “Well-” “Aside from you.” John laughed. A few seconds of uncomfortable silence followed.
“What about the kiss?” Sherlock grinned. “What do you mean?” Their eyes met.
“Well, you have to kiss Mary in front of all these people. Nobody would want the kiss to be imperfect in any way. Too long, too short, too intense…” John rolled his eyes. “I have no idea what you mean.”
“Yeah, I thought so. That’s why I’m gonna show you.” “What do you-” Before John could finish his sentence, their lips connected and he felt the adrenaline rushing through his body. He felt like riding the fastest rollercoaster known to mankind. A few moments later, Sherlock slowly pulled away.
“This was the perfect length. Do you know what I mean?” John sat there with an open mouth, staring at his friend in disbelief before grabbing his cheeks. He didn’t think twice before kissing him once again, pressing his lips against Sherlock’s this time. His friend made no effort to pull away. The both of them remained like this for the next few minutes. There he was. Making out with his best man.
Shit, Mary. The wedding. He should stop, he was engaged. And being drunk wasn’t an excuse for the feeling between his legs. But nothing seemed to matter right now. The only thing on his mind was Sherlock. This perfect man, the most fascinating human being John had ever seen. And he was kissing him, pulling him closer by the second, his hands all over his body. John started to notice the people staring at them while walking by and he slowly pulled away, not really wanting to destroy this moment. He felt his cheeks heating up and struggled to maintain eye contact with his friend. Sherlock, for the first time in forever, said nothing. He just seemed to stare into John’s soul with no expression on his face whatsoever. Suddenly, he started to laugh and John nervously joined in. “I didn’t know that you needed this much practice!” “What? Why? Was I that bad?” Sherlock laughed even more and shook his head. The tension seemed to loosen a little bit.
“Do you see this bow on the ground? I am almost sure that it comes from…” Sherlock’s words drifted in and out of John’s mind. He couldn’t concentrate on his surroundings anymore, the man was still stuck in the recent situation. “...and that’s why the bow is the last memory from a date gone wrong.” Sherlock stopped his walk with the end of his story. They both stood in front of Sherlock’s flat now and one exchange of looks confirmed that both of them needed some rest now. Sherlock made some space for John to walk in and as soon as he did, he felt a force pushing him to the wall. His friend stood a few inches in front of him, pinning him against the wall in between his legs. John could feel the both of them trembling as Sherlock pressed his upper body against him. “What are you doing…” John only mumbled since Mrs. Hudson was asleep and he most certainly didn’t want the poor woman to wake up to…this.
Honestly, he didn’t want to know what he did, he wanted to know why he didn’t do it sooner. Alcohol seemed to turn people into different versions of themselves, especially Sherlock. John had never seen him laugh this much. And there it was again, this grin on his face right before he connected their lips to a passionate kiss once again. John’s heart threatened to explode if this was gonna go on any longer. He had never felt this much adrenaline, excitement and confusion, all at once. But even though he was drowing in ecstasy, the rush had a bitter taste to it. Sherlock most certainly wasn’t himself right now, he was completely wasted. And for a second, John wished that his friend would be sober. But he didn’t pull back and they were making out once again, in the stairway of what once was both their home. So many memories were made in this house and if John would have a choice to change something, he wouldn’t. Every single second that he had spent with Sherlock in the last few years was absolutely beautiful, no matter how exhausting it could get. He would never admit it, but Mary couldn’t keep up with the man in his arms. She was smart, beautiful and a great girlfriend, but nevertheless, sometimes John would lay awake at night, thinking about his consulting detective. The strange man with the even stranger habits that he grew to love so much that he risked his marriage right now.
And god, he did risk his marriage.
A chuckle pulled the both of them out of their moment back into reality. John glanced to the side and looked into the warm face of Mrs. Hudson. She was smiling while putting her hands together as if she had been waiting for this moment for years. “Mrs. Hudson, I’m so sorry for waking you up. We were just…” She shut him up with a little wave. “No need to apologize, John. It is nice to see you again.” Sherlock didn’t waste any more time on this uncomfortable moment, he grabbed his friend’s hand and pulled him upstairs. As he was stumbling up the stairway, John looked back at his old housekeeper once again. She winked.
“See you soon, John. I’m looking forward to the wedding!”
Somewhere only we know - Part 2
Tommy reunites with his childhood best friend, sending him back to old feelings he swore to leave behind.
Warnings: None
Part 1
1042 words
The young woman in front of him tried to contain herself but one could see the look of surprise on her face. After a few seconds, she finally answered.
“Thomas.”
Y/N tried to softly push him aside to enter the bar but Thomas stopped her by grabbing her wrist. “I didn’t know you still live here.” She turned around and tried to hold straight eye contact. “Of course you didn’t, you never bothered to ask.” And once again, he held her while she tried to go inside. This time, she tugged a little harder and he let go of her. “I’m sure you, as well as I, have more important business to attend to.” Y/N turned around to have one last look at him before closing the door behind her.
“There you are, Y/N! Could you please help me at the bar this evening?” She just nodded at her stepfather while hurrying to her room. “What’s up with her?” He turned to look at Y/N’s mother who was already mentally preparing herself for the conversation she would need to have with her daughter very soon. “You wouldn’t understand, darling.”
“Are you kidding me? THE Y/N? I haven’t heard from her in ages!” Arthur leaned back in his chair and looked at his brother. “Always thought the both of you would get married. Did you invite her over? I wanna know what she’s up to nowadays.” Thomas didn’t look at him as he answered. “She didn’t want to talk to me.” Arthur turned to look at John and after a moment of stunned silence, the both of them started to break out in laughter. “Would you look at that! The great Thomas Shelby getting rejected by a woman!” “Never thought I’d see this day come!” When Tommy didn’t answer, John stood up and put one hand on his shoulder. “Oh come on, she’s old news anyways. Look at all the girls you can get now. Remember the one from the race a few weeks ago?” Arthur started to grin at his brother’s story. “Yeah, that one. Who would want to stay with a girl like Y/N, when you can get THAT?” Thomas just rolled his eyes and continued to walk to his office. He sat down behind his desk and lit up a cigarette to think. He knew that his brothers wouldn’t understand. They were blinded by the beautiful women around them but Thomas couldn’t do the same, not after he looked into those beautiful eyes once again. He had swore to himself to leave the feelings he had for Y/N behind, they weren’t a big help when it came to handling business after the war. But now he desperately needed to talk to her once again.
“Tommy, remember the meeting you have to attend tomorrow.” Polly stood in the door, looking at her nephew but he shook his head. “Let Arthur and John go, I have something more important to do.”
“Oh, Mister Shelby! It’s you again! To what do we owe the pleasure?” Thomas cleared his throat and tightened his grip around the roses behind his back. He felt like a little kid, like a complete idiot. “Could I speak to Y/N, please?” The man was surprised but hurried to get his stepdaughter to the door. When she opened the door once again, Thomas brought out the flowers from behind his back. Y/N had to smile a little bit and playfully rolled her eyes. “Are you serious?” Tommy smiled back at her. “Could I take you on a little walk?” After thinking about it for a little while, Y/N nodded. “Wait here, let me grab my shoes.” “Don’t grab your most expensive ones.”
“Thomas, where are you taking me?” Y/N stumbled through bushes and tried to slap away the branches hitting her face. “Somewhere only we know.” Tommy stopped and turned to her, standing in front of the little wooden platform in the trees. It was worn down but he was surprised that it hadn’t been destroyed by now. Y/N looked up to it and smiled. “Oh my god…” “Do you remember?” “Of course I do, are you kidding me! We spent all summer building that thing! Do you think it’s still stable enough?” Thomas grabbed her hand and walked up to the trees. “Let’s figure it out.” And the platform was actually stable enough to hold both of them.
“I had been away to London for a few years.” “To become a princess?” Y/N laughed and shook her head. “No, I searched for a better job but I wasn’t very successful. So I came back here and suddenly, you and your family ruled the whole city. And you? You didn’t bother to look at me when you passed by in the streets.” Tommy didn’t know what to say. She was right, he didn’t bother. But he didn’t bother with every single woman, his business was the one he was married to. “I’m sorry, Y/N…” That was everything he was able to say when the both of them suddenly heard a loud crack. The next moment, both of them were laying on the floor with broken wood next to them. The platform had cracked. Y/N looked at him and started to laugh, just as she always did when he fell down when they were kids. Her empathy was lacking sometimes. But Thomas joined in and helped her to get up. He didn’t let go of her hand and pulled her a little closer as she was standing in front of him.
“I’m sorry, Y/N. I truly am. I don’t know what had gotten into me after I came back from the war. I was just different, maybe I didn’t want you to see the person I had become. But here I am and as I can see, I’m still able to make you smile. I’m willing to try and fix this, even if it’s going to be hard. I’m willing to try for you. What would you say to a dinner with me this weekend?” Y/N’s smile faded and she looked away, staring at the ground. “If you don’t want to, that’s alright-”
“Thomas, I want to, believe me. I have waited for this day for years. But Tommy…
I’m engaged.”
Please can I request a Tommy having a hard time dealing with his daughter growing up when she goes to her first house party?
Keeping me young (One shot)
Thank you for submitting this! I loved this idea so much and I had so much fun writing this down! :,)
Thomas deals with his daughter Y/N growing up
Warnings: Fluff, modern! Thomas Shelby, single parent, slight mentions of alcohol, slight mentions of death
1213 words
“Hurry up, I’m late!” Y/N was banging on the door of her father’s bedroom, hoping to make him dress himself faster. “Since when do you care about being somewhere on time?” Thomas finally opened the door, wearing his typical combo of a white button-up and greyish jeans. Y/N shook her head.
“Dad, there’s no reason to dress like that, you don’t even have to get out of the car!” Thomas said nothing even though he would’ve wanted to meet the parents of the party host. “There are no parents for you to meet, Andy is home alone, his parents are on vacation.” “And what if something happens and you guys need to call for help?” A thousand different situations raced through Thomas’ mind but his daughter casually waved it off. “I got a phone, dad. Remember?”
“Well, at least you would use it for something useful then…” That earned him a slight push as he walked out of the front door up to his car.
“Be outside at 12 sharp, or I will come inside.” Y/N got goosebumps just from thinking about the embarrassment of her father walking into the ongoing party. “Alright, dad.” “Have fun. And remember, don’t drin-” But Y/N had already slammed the car door shut, running up to her friends who were waiting for her in front of the big house.
Thomas tried to clear his mind as he drove back home. This was her first time at a party all by herself and he just couldn’t figure out if it was the right time for her to make such a big step into adulthood. Something inside of him told him that it was himself who was keeping her from going out at the age of sixteen. She was the most important thing in his life since her mother had passed away a few years ago. It had just been the both of them the whole time and even though being a single parent wasn’t easy at all, they were the bestest of friends. Now it was time to let her go, step by step. She needed to make her own choices and memories. Thomas wondered if letting your children grow up was just as hard for every other parent.
His brother Arthur had always been more chill with everything than he was. He had no kids but he loved to give Thomas parenting advice, most of which he definitely read about on those internet forums that he roamed around in during most of his freetime. “Oh, come on! When I was her age, mom and dad used to chase me around with a stick because I wrecked the family car during one of my nights out!”
If there was one advice Thomas took from his brother, it was that he would make sure that his daughter would never turn out like Arthur did.
“I still can’t believe that your father actually let you go to a party for once.” “Yeah, me neither.” Y/N forced a smile, though she didn’t really like her friends talking about her father and his ways of parenting. For some people, he might’ve come off as strict but she knew that he just wanted to protect her at all costs. The last few years hadn’t been easy for him or Y/N herself.
She turned around to a hand grabbing her shoulder from behind. Andy grinned at her, waving a bottle in his free hand. “Care to try some?” “No, thanks…” She politely declined, drinking definitely wasn’t something she was ready for just now. “Oh, come on! Your father isn’t looking…for once!” Y/N shot an angry glare at one of her friends while the rest of the group started to laugh.
But after a little bit of discussion, she finally gave in.
Y/N felt awful. It wasn’t even like she drank much but the liquor tasted disgusting and it burned in her throat. Her friends, on the other hand, seemed to have the time of their lives, drinking out of the bottles as if alcohol tasted like straight tap water. She had to admit, some of them became very funny people as the alcohol started to set in. Y/N regret that she didn’t meet those “new people” earlier, they were making the evening so much funnier that she started to forget the time.
tap, tap, tap…. Thomas fingers were pounding on his steering wheel. He had been waiting for 20 minutes now and even though he brushed her being late off as her having fun, he started to become more and more worried by the second. Finally, he got out of the car and decided to check on his daughter. The people in the corridor looked at him as if he didn't belong there at all…well, to be fair, he didn’t. It didn’t take long for somebody to lead him to Y/N since everybody knew that there could only be one parent who would crash a party to search for his daughter.
Y/N was embarrassed, to say the least. She nearly dragged him out of the house, slamming the car door so loud that everybody on the front porch turned their heads.
“Look, I’m sorry…” “Yeah, dad. I know. I just forgot the time, like every other normal kid my age does sometimes, alright?” This had been the first in a long time. She usually wasn’t angry at him, they never fought. This time, it wasn’t like Thomas could even start a fight between them, he knew that he was in the wrong.
And so the drive back home remained silent.
Thomas slowly opened the door to Y/N’s room and sat down on her bed. She didn’t turn around, simply deciding to ignore him for now.
“You know…since your mother died…” Y/N let out a groan which made him chuckle. The old story. “Having you by my side is the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me! Did you know that people tend to feel like they’re coming closer and closer to death when they’re having children?” “Yeah, that’s why I don’t want any.” Y/N mumbled into the pillow. “Well, that isn’t the case with you. It’s almost as if you’re keeping me young.” “Yeah, I’m keeping you up with the newest stuff so that you don’t end up like grandma.” Thomas started to laugh and got ready for his best impression. “You can use this thing for visiting the world wide web?” Y/N snorted as he pointed at her phone. They both spent quite a lot of time laughing at Thomas’ on-spot impression of her grandmother and after they were finally tired from laughing, Y/N put her head down on his leg. “I know that it isn’t easy for you, dad… I keep telling the others! But you have to let me live, or I’ll end up as neglected as uncle Arthur!” The both of them looked at each other and started to laugh again.
“But seriously… Just because I go out from time to time or even will have a boyfriend some day, who knows, doesn’t mean that I’ll leave you behind. I’ll always keep you young, dad. You’re the coolest dad ever! I love you…”
Thomas smiled. “I love you too, darling. But we’ll have a talk about that boyfriend thing…”
Somewhere only we know - Part 1
Tommy reunites with his childhood best friend, sending him back to old feelings he swore to leave behind.
Warnings: None
1035 words
- 1897 -
“Come on, Tommy!” Y/N turned around and grinned at the boy below her while she proceeded to climb up the little hill. He rolled his eyes and tried to catch up, failing to do so. She had always been the faster kid.
“Wait for me!” “A snail would’ve caught up by now!” Tommy pushed her a little as he arrived at the top of the hill. “I hate you.” Y/N pushed back and grabbed his hand to pull him with her, making him blush a little. Tommy didn’t like girls, they were complicated and weird. But Y/N was a bit different, she wanted to spend time with him playing in the woods, unlike his sister Ada. Sometimes he felt a tingly feeling in his stomach when she grabbed his hand but he tried to ignore the feeling, not sure what to make of it.
Two big trees started to come closer and closer and one could start to make out the wooden platform built in between the trees. Tommy and Y/N had spent all summer building it and even though it wasn’t very big, they were really proud of it. Tommy let go of her hand and climbed up the tree. When he got up, he looked back down at his friend who was patiently waiting for him. The boy needed to chuckle. “Still scared?” “Shut up, Tommy!” Y/N crossed her arms and turned away which made Tommy grin even more. “Come on now.” He put out his hand and after a few seconds of being grumpy, Y/N finally grabbed it and he pulled her up.
Both of them enjoyed the view of the woods. Birmingham wasn’t the best place for a little kid to grow up. Every time they tried to play in the streets, they witnessed some kind of gang fight. Tommy would always try to protect Y/N, even if he himself was scared.
“When I grow up, I want to be a princess.” Tommy laughed at Y/N, which earned him a little push. “You’re stupid.” “No, YOU’RE stupid. You can’t become a princess, you’re born a princess, idiot.” His opposite shook her head. “No! I’m gonna find a prince to fall in love with and then I’ll become a princess, you’ll see!” “Who would want to fall in love with you?” Y/N pushed him once again, this time a little harder.
“Y/N!” A familiar voice echoed through the woods, making the both of them flinch. It didn’t take long for them to figure out who was calling out for her and Tommy helped his friend down. Her smile was gone, she was just staring on the ground, not letting go of his hand.
“There you are! How many times do I have to tell you that playing in the woods is too dangerous for a girl like you!” Y/N’s mother harshly grabbed the hand of her daughter and looked at Tommy. “I’ll have a word with your parents, young man! And now come with me.” She grabbed Tommy by his shirt and pulled both of them with her.
Tommy grinned at Y/N while imitating her yelling mother, making her chuckle quietly. “When I’m a princess, I’ll play in the woods with you!” Y/N’s mother looked down at her, raising her eyebrows. “You’re dreaming too much.”
- 1919 -
Everybody in the street seperated, whispering to each other while making space. “I heard that they didn’t pay for protection this month… Poor people just couldn’t afford it…” “Don’t be stupid! They just didn’t want to pay, you’ll see what they get for messing with the Peaky Blinders!”
Tommy ignored the people talking as he entered the little pub in one of the side streets. It looked worn down, they clearly didn’t make a whole lot of money. After waiting for a bit, he cleared his throat, making the owner of the pub come out of his hiding spot. “Mr. Shelby, I’m so sorry…” “You’re in debt. I’m here to talk about it.”
He slowly sat down, looking at Tommy with shaking hands. “We really couldn’t afford it… It won’t ever happen again, I promise…” Tommy sat down in front of him and nodded. “No need to be worried, I just want to talk about your business.” The man’s face relaxed and he leaned back. “Well, you see… Not a lot of people come here these days… When we decided to open this pub a few years ago, business was better…but nowadays, people tend to go to the busier places…”
“Who are you talking to?” Panic started to once again set in on his face. “No one, darling! Just go back inside, it doesn’t matter!” An older woman walked into the pub, stopping as soon as she saw Tommy.
There wasn’t a world where he wouldn’t recognize those eyes, this face.
“You’ve become some man, Thomas.” The man in front of Tommy turned around, almost falling out of his chair. “I see you’re remarried. How is your daughter?” Y/N. The only thing on his mind right now. All of the memories were rushing through Thomas’ mind while he was trying to remain collected.
“Don’t you have more important business to do than bothering a couple of old people?” Tommy stood up. Of course she wouldn’t answer his question, she never liked him. He looked back down at the man who now had a shocked look on his face, staring at his wife.
“Your debts are being paid for.” And without another word, he walked out. As he reached the door, he heard their muffled voices. “How dare you talk to him like that, do you want to get us killed!” “Oh, calm down! I have dragged this boy through the woods once!”
Tommy had to smile a little. Y/N’s mother had always been brave and strong since she had to raise her daughter alone. He wondered where she was. It wasn’t like he had forgotten about the young woman, it had just been easier to distract himself from trying to find her after he had gone away to France.
As he opened the wooden door, his look met a familiar pair of eyes. There it was again, this tingling feeling.
“Y/N.”
Dear Y/N…
This is the second part of „Dear Mother“, which was supposed to be a One Shot. I got a really sweet request to write about Tommy‘s reaction to the aftermath and I LOVED the idea. So, here you go…
Dear Mother
Thomas Shelby deals with his wife and son leaving him after the war and decides to write to them…
Warnings: Angst, swearing, mentions of war
864 words
Thomas slammed his hands on his desk. This couldn’t be true, she couldn’t have just left him. He was fighting back tears but he didn’t know if it was sadness or anger rushing through his body. His hands slammed on the wooden table once again, knocking over some of the objects on it.
“Are you okay?” Polly entered the room with a concerned look on her face. “She’s gone.” That was everything he had been able to say before the tears started to pour. More angry than he was before, he wiped them away. The woman in front of him bit her lip. She knew that she couldn’t say what she wanted to say to him, she couldn’t tell him the truth: It was his own fault. But he knew.
“We have to get her back!” Arthur slammed a fist on the side table next to him, making Ada flinch. Every person in the room was shocked, thinking about what to do. Nobody would have expected this outcome, not even Ada and Polly. Sure, they knew that she was unhappy, but leaving her whole life behind?
Thomas was the only one quiet. He just stared at the wall, thinking about what to do next. “Tommy, say something, please!” Now it was Ada who was getting frustrated. Y/N had been like a sister to her, the best friend she never really had growing up. Having to continue her normal life without her was something she didn’t want to imagine.
“Leave this room.” Everybody was just staring at Thomas with a confused look on their faces. He looked up to them and rolled his eyes. “NOW.”
As soon as he was alone, Thomas sighed and picked up a pen and a sheet of paper. He knew that they couldn’t get her back by force. So he did the only thing any ordinary man would do…
Dear Y/N,
I am truly sorry for all of the pain that I have caused to you during the last few months. I know that I haven’t been there for you, not mentally nor physically.
I have seen terrible things, my dear. And I know that it changed me, I know that I have become a man so unlovable, that even his beautiful wife and son left him behind. Who am I to decide where you should live your life? I am not going to chase after you like the criminal Iˋve become. I want to give you the choice of being with who you want to be. I’m sure that you know whatˋs best for Charles, how could I? I haven’t spent enough time with him to know that.
Business has become difficult to handle. I know that you probably hate that word by now since I have spent so much more time with my business than I did with my family. But I don’t know how to look in those beautiful eyes of yours without thinking that I’m not the man you deserve. Not anymore.
There are voices in my head, Y/N. And during the night, they get loud, almost unbearable. They remind me of the terrible things I’ve had to do in order to survive in France.
If I could be able to make up for all the bad I’ve caused in your life, I would. I wouldn’t just give those beautiful roses to you, I’d let them plant a whole garden for you. You’d never have to be alone, Charles wouldn’t have to grow up without a father by his side.
I want to be the perfect husband and the perfect father but I fear that I might not be able to. But seeing the empty house made me realize that there might be a chance to give you back what you deserve. I don’t know about you, my dear, but I want to take that chance.
If you decide that a new life is the best choice for both you and our son, I will respect that choice of yours. You will get money every month, the both of you won't ever have to live a bad life. I will do everything in my power to make your new life as comfortable as possible, no matter how far away you are.
Some of my best men will be sent to your new home, they will make sure that nobody will lay a finger on you without you wanting it.
But I do ask for one favor in return. Please tell Charles about his father. I want him to know that he is always welcome to come back to me and his family if he desires.
But darling, if you should consider coming back to once again be with me, I will wait for you with open arms. I don’t know if I truly deserve a second chance after failing at being both a father and a husband. But I will be waiting for the both of you, no matter how long it takes you to come back to me. And I will try to finally be the man the both of you deserve. I will make you proud of this family.
I love you,
Thomas Shelby
Stages of grief - Part 5 [Finale]
Bucky and Steve deal with the loss of Y/N, their favorite person
Warnings: Angst, character death (dealing with loss), Stucky x reader, swearing
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
650 words
Stage 5 – Acceptance [June 10th 2024]
Bucky looked at himself in the mirror. He had just bought a new suit, completely made to suit his body. “God damn, you look good!” Sam laughed as he put on his cologne. He chuckled. “You don’t look too bad yourself, Wilson.” “Well, I hope so, or else this evening will be pretty embarrassing for all of us!”
After getting ready, the both of them went outside, straight up to the black car in front of them. Tony liked it fancy, so he never saved money on luxurious details. Steve was already waiting inside the car, staring at his watch. “Don’t you have a phone to look at or something? Or are you still old-fashioned?” Sam sat down next to this friend, laughing a bit. “Well, if you two wouldn’t take years to get ready…” “Yeah, shut up”
Bucky watched the buildings passing them as they drove to their destination. It was a small event, held by the head of some kind of organization that was working with the Avengers. He didn’t care too much about the financial and political aspects of his life. Eventually he decided to join in the dumb conversation between Steve and Sam. Sometimes, he still felt like a teenager when he was with them.
“Well, we’re here! Happy turned his head to gesture them to leave. “You really should consider going with us sometime…” “Shut up, Wilson.” He laughed a bit. The three of them got out of the car and looked at the building in front of them. Sam chuckled deeply. “Faaancy…” But his words didn’t get any more attention from his friends. Both of them were too distracted by looking at their personal events of the night.
The two agents stood in front of the entrance, sharing a drink. It was impossible not to sense that their slight partner look was on purpose. They just knew how to make a scene without really making a scene. Bucky slowly walked up to them, Steve quickly following. As soon as he got to his highlight, he grabbed her hand and pulled her closer to him. “You look absolutely stunning…” She smiled a bit, looking up to him. “You really think so? The dress is new; I thought I’d go a bit fancier since this event seems to be pretty important.” “Don’t worry; we don’t know what’s going on either.” Steve laughed as he put one arm around the other girl. “Well, let’s go inside.”
The evening went pretty quickly. The four of them had a lot of conversations with other agents from all around the world, sharing their work stories. This event was still connected to work after all, even though their stories felt a bit more like them trying to brag at each other. As time passed more and more, the tension got less and less serious. Bucky found himself dancing in the middle of the hall, surrounded by other loving couples. He glanced at Steve a few times, making sure he was as comfortable. After checking if everything was alright, he looked down to the woman in front of him, holding her closer. She smiled a bit and intertwined their fingers. “You really can dance!” Bucky chuckled. “Well, I learned a lot in the old days…” His opposite rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on! Don’t come at me with this again! You always make me feel like I’m a child!” He laughed even more, putting one hand on her cheek. “You’ll have to get used to that.”
And so they spent the rest of the night dancing and having fun with the others. Both Steve and Bucky were finally able to laugh along with the others, enjoying the evening just like everybody else. And they always knew that she was up there somewhere, watching them from above, smiling at them, knowing: They’d never let her go.
Stages of grief - Part 4
Bucky and Steve deal with the loss of Y/N, their favorite person
Warnings: Angst, character death (dealing with loss), Stucky x reader, swearing, suicidal thoughts, THIS PART MIGHT BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME PEOPLE!
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
913 words
Stage 4 – Depression [January 18th 2024]
It’s okay, I’ll be with you, darling…
Soft jazz music rang through Steve’s ears. She used to love those songs; it made her feel like she was with them in the old times. She never got enough of their stories about their youth; it almost felt like she liked their stories more than her actual life in the modern times. Bucky and him always told her that she’d think differently if she would’ve lived back then but in secret, they both thought the same. Their childhood was gorgeous, not a single thing in the modern times could live up to that.
Just wait a bit, soon I’ll be able to touch your beautiful face again…
He had always considered his time with Peggy as the best time of his life. He had loved her so much that he was pretty distanced when he met her at first. Falling in love again? It felt like a sin, unfair to Peggy. But as soon as he decided to give in, he realized that the one year he knew Peggy wasn’t even a single bit of the time he spent with her. She truly was the love of this life. And because of that, one would’ve thought that sharing her with Bucky would’ve been the worst thing ever. But it wasn’t. In fact, it made everything even better. Well, Steve never knew a time without Bucky, the relationship started out as the three of them. It was a beautiful day when the three of them finally decided to address their feelings. He was clearly able to remember the exact situation. She was sitting on the couch, looking up at the both of them. The last few months were full of weird situations between the three of them, always giving each other signs but still not really understanding the other one. And she was pretty sure that this situation would end up in a huge disaster. A fight between the both of them, their friendship would be destroyed and it would’ve been her fault. But honestly, she couldn’t take it anymore. Her love for the both of them was too strong to ignore any further.
Do you miss me, doll? You don’t have to anymore…
She told them while fighting tears of fear. But contrary to her beliefs, both of them took the news surprisingly well. And just like that, a perfect relationship was born. At first, a couple of people took it a bit weird, especially her parents. But it was okay, they had each other. And well, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world; every single Avenger supported them through and through. Sam teased Bucky a bit about it, since he wasn’t able to get a girl for himself. But it was a funny situation, they always shared a laugh. Yeah, it was a fun time. The missions were more bearable as well. She was a soldier before she met the both of them, but she had always worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. She considered the organization her home, not being able to imagine anything else than the boring gray walls of the headquarters and the annoying speeches of Nick Fury. But after she started to work for the Avengers, her life changed a lot. The training got a lot more intense, but her free time was filled with laughter and parties. She felt like she had finally found her second family. Everybody loved her for her great personality, even Natasha who was a bit rough to every new person. But she mostly got a lot of respect due to her fighting skills on the field. She truly was an incredibly brave person. And she never let anymore distract her from her life as a soldier, not even a stupid little thing like love. Well, that quickly changed from the moment on where she met Steven Grant Rogers and James Buchanan Barnes. They both were to die for.
I can’t wait to see you…
“STEVE! WHAT THE HELL?!” Steve felt himself getting thrown away from the edge of the building. He wasn’t able to fully process it; he could still feel his heart pounding in his head. He glanced to the side only to see his best friend trying to keep himself together through the stream of tears flowing down his face. “It’s okay, Buck…don’t cry...”
“NOTHING IS OKAY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Bucky pressed his face against Steve’s chest, still shaking heavily. He wasn’t able to find Steve in his room this morning and as soon as he saw the open door to the roof, a bad feeling started to form in his stomach. He started to sob at the thought of losing his friend as well. “I know it’s hard, I get it more than everybody else…but don’t do this, it’s not a solution…DON’T LEAVE ME!”
Steve felt tears running down his face as well. He never really thought of his situation like this. He was so consumed in his own sadness that he completely forgot about Bucky and what he’d do to him. He himself didn’t know what he’d do with the help of his friend. Every time something felt impossible to go through, Bucky was by his side, helping him to get through it. It has always been this way.
He tried to speak through his tears. “It hurts…” Bucky looked up, eyes red from all of the crying. “I know that it hurts, goddamn…”
The creativity of ‘Dear Mother…’ I mean it is a masterpiece- would you plan to do a continuation if this one shot or is it stand alone? I would love to maybe have a Thomas pov of the aftermath or something…
Anyway thank you for uploading that one shot. :)
First of all, thank you so much for this sweet text! You don‘t know how much this means to me. I would love to do a continuation and your idea fits perfectly!
Be on the lookout for another part, I‘ll definitely upload it in the next few days!
Dear Mother… (One shot)
This story is made out of letters, which Y/N wrote to her dead mother during the time her husband Tommy was away for war.
Dear Y/N
Warnings: Angst, mentions of war, mentions of death, this story is depressing!
1648 words
“What was he like before France?“
- “He laughed a lot.“
Dear Mother,
Today, Thomas took me on one last date before he goes away to fight for our country like the brave man he is. I am scared. I wish you would be here with me, so I could ask you for advice on how to be a supportive wife to him.
Thomas gifted me some roses, they smell just as beautiful as they look. Hopefully I can preserve them just like you taught me when I was a child. After that, he took me to the park where he proposed to me 6 months ago…when we didn’t know that he’d have to go away so soon.
I held his hand the whole time because I know that I won’t be able to feel his touch for a long time now. Sometimes, I regret not giving you as much affection as I could have given you and I don’t want to make the same mistake with him. Thomas doesn’t seem to be as scared as I am. A few days ago, when I was over at his family’s place, I had a little chat with his big brother Arthur. I think I’ve already told you about him, him and John are the fun part of family meetings, for sure.
He told me that he talked to his brother a few days ago and Thomas cheered him up quite well. He never fails to do that, even in the most difficult situations. I know that Arthur is just as scared as I am. We both don’t get how Thomas is able to suppress his fear so well. He reminds me of dad sometimes, when he always used to distract us during thunderstorms, when the both of us were sure that our roof would be blown away.
I miss both of you. With you, this situation would be a lot more bearable, I’m sure.
Love you always,
Y/N.
Dear Mother,
Thomas has been away for 3 months now. He sent me a letter about a month ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to read it until today. Now I’m writing to you again, because my fear has risen. I’ve been able to distract myself pretty well these past few days, helping Polly and Ada with the business. He hasn’t lost his hopeful spirit, I’ve seen it in the way he writes. Thomas spent at least half of the letter telling me how much he loves and misses me, it was quite beautiful.
He also asked me about the baby.
Mother, I am truly scared. I don’t know how to care for a child just yet, especially not without you by my side. I wish we would’ve waited just a little bit longer to figure out that I would have to bring our child into the world without my beloved husband by my side. I’m in my 4th month now and things start to become harder to manage. Sometimes, I wonder about how you managed everything while having to carry me with you all the time. You told me how difficult pregnancy was for you, I guess I’ve always been a troubling child.
Thomas and I have already decided the names. If the baby is a boy, we want to name him Charles. If the baby is a girl, we want to name her Elizabeth, after you. I think you’d like that a lot.
I know that everything will go well with you watching over me.
Love you always,
Y/N.
Dear Mother,
I don’t know what to do. Thomas hasn’t written to me in months. They talk about the war on the streets, really bad things. Polly taught me not to listen to them, people tend to dramatize a lot of things. But I can’t handle the thought of Thomas not coming home to me and Charles.
The baby was a boy, by the way. I know that you would have preferred a girl, honestly, me too. But when I first looked into those light blue eyes, it was love at first sight. He looks just as pure as his father. I know that he’ll grow up to be a beautiful young man. When I’m holding him in my arms, I feel less alone, less scared. I feel like I’m able to manage everything for once.
Now I finally understand all of the things you’ve told me about motherhood when I was little. I would do everything for this child, even if it meant giving my life for him.
But as long as my husband is away, I’ll try to give Charles as much love as two parents could give him.
I wonder how Thomas will react when he sees his son for the first time. Maybe he’ll cry, just like when I told him about my pregnancy for the first time. He was so excited to become a father. We’ll take Charles to the little lake we used to walk around when the both of us felt stressed out. Maybe we’ll get a chance to feed some of the cute ducks there, I’m sure Charles would like that very much.
I really hope that the war won’t escalate further, I want my son to have a happy childhood, just like I had on our little farm.
Love you always,
Y/N.
Dear Mother,
I know that I haven’t written to you in a long time, I just wasn’t able to. Charles is three years old now and he has grown up to become a beautiful young boy. I had lost all hope in holding my husband in my arms once again, but Thomas and the other soldiers actually came back, well, some of them did…
I know that you probably wonder why I write to you in such a cold tone. The truth is, I don’t know how to feel right now. He has changed. When I held him in my arms for the first time, it felt like holding a completely different man. The spark in his eyes was gone, his cheerful smile was gone. He hasn’t smiled once for the whole time he has been back home.
Polly doesn’t know what to do either. She told me that Arthur and John both look like they haven’t slept in weeks. She let Arthur stay over once and during the night, he started to scream, scared that the soldiers might break through the walls with their shovels banging against the wall.
I’m afraid that I feel exactly the same. Sometimes, when I lay awake during the night, I can feel Thomas breathing heavily next to me and in the next moment, he just gets up and walks outside without a single word. Sometimes, he just doesn’t come back until the morning. Then he sits at the breakfast table, staring at a corner before leaving to handle business.
Business. His new wife.
It seems as if he doesn’t have time for Charles and me. Everytime I ask him if he will go on a walk with us to the little lake, like I’ve told you, he just waves off and tells me that he doesn’t have time for that right now. He always has to handle his business.
I’ve learned not to ask questions. Sometimes, he comes home with blood all over his white shirts and I’m too scared to ask whether itˋs his own blood or someone else's.
Ada has already given up this family in her mind. Or at least it feels like she has. But who can blame her? They’ve all become so cruel. A few years ago, Arthur and John were joking around all the time, but nowadays, I just see them fight. When they get drunk, it’s the worst. I don’t want Charles to see such behaviour, so I’ve given up on bringing him with me to the family meetings. They don’t care about spending time with him anyways.
I plan on talking to Thomas during the next few days, like you always used to do when you had an argument with my father. Maybe it will help us solve some issues.
Love you always,
Y/N.
Dear Mother,
I am currently sitting on a train to London. I have taken Charles with me, he is sleeping peacefully. I don’t know if he knows that we won’t come back. Talking to Thomas hasn’t resolved anything, things have become even worse. We have started to fight more and more and I have noticed that Charles has become more distant towards me. Maybe he’s scared of me because he sees me screaming at his father.
But I just feel so helpless.
Thomas is at the races with his brothers, handling business, as always. I’ve taken the opportunity to leave this godforsaken place for good. It’s time to start a new life, with a new name. People have started to become more and more afraid of me and I know it’s because of my husband. I don’t want to know what he does to them.
When I met him, I always thought of my father and you. It just felt like love at first sight, the perfect man for me, just like you told me about my father.
I would’ve loved growing old with Thomas. But this isn’t the Thomas I’ve fallen for all these years ago. This isn't the Thomas that would bring me fresh roses and take me on little walks through the park.
This is a cold, heartless man. This is a man that only loves his work, not his family, not his wife, not even his precious little son. I’ll learn to raise Charles to be the man I wanted to have by my side.
Thomas will always be on my mind and I hope that you’ll forgive me for leaving my husband behind. I failed at being a supportive wife.
The train is coming to a stop now. It’s time to start over.
I’m sorry,
Y/N.
Stages of grief - Part 3
Bucky and Steve deal with the loss of Y/N, their favorite person
Warnings: Angst, character death (dealing with loss), Stucky x reader, swearing
Part 1
Part 2
442 words
Stage 3 – Bargaining [September 3rd 2023]
“This view got even more beautiful. God, I really missed it.” Tony had forced the both of them to go on a walk to finally get rid of their depression. But especially to go outside since they haven’t left the Avengers base in weeks. “That’s true. I kind of missed the fresh air; it always smells nice up here.” Bucky looked down on the hills, trying to break a little smile. But he couldn’t. What would she say if she’d be here with them? She loved the woods, it sometimes felt like she loved going outside by herself more than spending time with them. At first, they thought of it as rather ridiculous and teased her with it but after their first walk together, they understood her love for the wilderness. You just felt free and it made everything a bit more bearable.
“Hey, remember the time when we built this little cabin out of sticks?” Steve glanced at his friend, trying to cheer up the mood. “Oh yeah, we almost felt like master builders.”
A moment of silence followed. This goddamn silence.
“You know what I’m asking myself almost every single day?” Bucky broke a stone in his hand. “What if it would’ve been us.” Steve looked at him, knowing that his guess was right. Bucky nodded. His friend knew him too well after all. Or maybe he was just going through the same right now, possibly mostly the second thought. “It’s just unfair. We’ve lived our life, she was so young, and she had so much to experience. I would trade my life for hers any second.” “Believe me, I have thought about it multiple times. If there would be a way, she’d already be down here again.” Bucky looked into his eyes, possibly for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. “What about faith?”
“What do you mean?” Steve knew that Bucky didn’t believe in god, he never did. “Do you still believe in god after all this?” He thought for a few seconds, maybe even minutes. The question was a hard one. If there was a god, why would he do this to them? “You know…it helps to think that she’s in a better place now, watching over us.”
Bucky chuckled a bit. It sounded tired but it was at least something. “Do you think she still likes watching us train?” Steve laughed. “You both look so serious, it’s ridiculous!” “I don’t do that!” They both were convinced that their impression was pretty on the spot.
And it almost seemed like they were on the way to getting better.
Me going to fanfic.net now that Ao3 is down
Cons of ao3 being down : my mental health takes an immediate nose dive, my plans for tonight are gone, I was in the middle of reading smthn and now I just have to sit here and suffer as I vibrate with the need to know what happens next
Pros : it's funny to watch everyone loose their collective minds over the fact it's down
Me dealing with my finals 🥰✌🏻
Stages of grief - Part 2
Bucky and Steve deal with the loss of Y/N, their favorite person
Warnings: Angst, character death (dealing with loss), Stucky x reader, swearing, violence, alcohol
851 words
Part 1
Stage 2 – Anger [July 26th 2023]
thumb…thumb… The punching bag almost hit the wall. Bucky still wasn’t satisfied with his performance. He needed to do more. He didn’t bother to bandage his knuckles anymore; blood was smeared on the area in front of him. He didn’t care about the world at this point. He gritted his teeth before letting out a blood curdling scream. “Sergeant, this won’t help you in a long run. Well, it won’t even help you right now, if we’re completely honest.” Bucky turned around, looking at the elderly woman in front of him. She was their personal assigned therapist, forced onto Steve and him by Tony. Their argument that super soldiers in fact didn’t need therapy didn’t help either. But she was fun to be around, always telling stories about her life as a military therapist. And she was pretty good at calming the both of them down after all. Her facial expression changed to serious. “If you keep this up, there could be a greater chance of turning back into the Winter Soldier. And nobody wants that for sure. Remember the things we’ve practiced for a healthy grieving.” He looked down at his hands, hissing a bit as he put disinfectant spray on his knuckles. He didn’t care whether he turned back or not. Maybe it would even be a better option. He wouldn’t have thoughts anymore, no more sadness, no more feeling hopeless. He wouldn’t hate everybody around him for not going through the same thing as him.
Steve for his part didn’t bother training like crazy. He found his own self-destructive way of coping: Excessive drinking. Thor had left quite a lot of the Asgardian wine and liquor for them to drink at special occasions. But Steve had already finished most of it after a few. He sat on the balcony outside, watching the people on the street walking by. In the past few weeks, he had caught himself having more and more intrusive thoughts. They mostly included him planning imaginary missions. He didn’t care; his need for control was too big. He needed to have the feeling of control over somebody or something. If he would’ve controlled her better, she wouldn’t have gone to the battle with the both of them. Well, Steve never had been the controlling type; he always thought it was creepy. But now everything made sense, he felt like he was finally able to understand all of the evil in the world. All of his past enemies seemed so much more sympatric all of the sudden. Steve was pretty sure that everybody was able to turn into pure evil; they just needed to go through enough. Everybody else seemed to have a much better life now. He couldn’t even count the amount of times he screamed at Natasha when she started to cry as the group talked about the loss of their soldiers. She had no right to cry, he didn’t cry either. Sometimes, he started to get scared of himself, thinking if Bucky felt the same in his times of mind control. Bucky. He was the only one who understood him. The only person he wanted to have around. Steve took one final sip, feeling his vision getting blurry once again.
“ROGERS, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. YOU KNOCKED THE FUCKING PICTURE OVER WITH YOUR DRUNKEN ASS. LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!” Bucky almost slapped him with the broken picture frame. Steve didn’t want to look at the picture inside. In reality, he didn’t knock the picture over because he was drunk; he threw it on the ground during his recent rush of anger. “WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH ME?! DON’T YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THAN GETTING ON MY NERVES WITH YOUR STUPID BULLSHIT?” He grabbed Steve and forced him to look into his eyes. His opposite tried to look sober, not wanting Bucky to get even angrier. “Just…buy a new one…” That was everything Steve needed to say. Bucky punched his friend so hard, he crashed against the wall. After a few seconds, Steve got back up, wiping the blood away from his mouth. “Son of a bitch…” He tried to punch back, missing Bucky and getting yet another punch.
Natasha opened the door, storming up to them to pull them away from each other. “Stop it! God damn, do you have to do this every second day of the week?! Just grow up and go to your therapist.” Bucky almost growled. “You have no idea…” It didn’t matter if he’d be in a normal state or completely insane, he wouldn’t hit a woman. Instead, he’d let out his anger with another attack on his friend, but Natasha held him back. “You guys are going to stay away from each other from now on.” She took Steve with her who still wasn’t fully there, completely lost in the ecstasy of his drink. Bucky let out one final scream, punching against the wall. He couldn’t punch holes in it anymore; Tony learned from his mistakes and let F.R.I.D.A.Y. give the walls a little upgrade.
