Praying For Death

A vent for a very pathetic piece of shit

[worthless-wh0re29]

I scrolled through text messages I had in 2021-2022 with someone who was closer to a total stranger than friend and realized, I don’t even text my closet friends or even my boyfriend to that amount of, that consistently anymore

I didn’t ever realize how much it hurt to lose everyone and how I truly am pushing everyone away. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I used to crave connections like a lonely dog, but now I’d rather be alone than share myself with others. It’s not like many people are even here for me, even check on me. And when they begin to, it’s always too late

In my head I’ve decided I’m over that. I’m so emotionally unattached. I had to convince myself to be a more present girl friend and even then, it’s wasted effort because I was too late. It doesn’t matter anyways. It won’t matter if I’m unlovable to every person I come across, I don’t care anymore

I would rather be alone than trust any of you anyways. I would rather have no family than to lie and force myself to accept someone as that, just for them to disappoint me. To break what little I have left of myself.

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep trying to make things work when they never will for me. That’s not what my path is leading me towards,

I understand now. I was always meant to be alone. I wasn’t meant to be accepted, I never will be and that’s okay. I’m alright with being a drifter in peoples lives but I won’t ever stay

There’s no home for me. No matter who I go to.

[worthless-wh0re29]

I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything feels like it’s always taken from me, even the ones I was wholeheartedly convinced would stay with me. That really were genuine.

But everything can fall apart, anyone can leave. I’m scared of what’s to come. I don’t want to do this again, I’m already so alone in my head and to cope if you end up leaving.. I’m not prepared to lose you. To lose us.

It’s my fault. I ignored it for so long and I fucked up, let you down in so many ways over the years we were together. I’ve convinced myself I’m better than that now and I’m equip to fix this, everything that I broke. I want to use the strength I finally built up to fix it. I know this isn’t right, I can’t repeat a hundred mistakes again and expect to ask for you to look past it. You never say it but I see what I’ve done. I want you to admit that I broke us. You never ever say anything though.

I hate myself so much for everything I’ve done to you and the guilt eat at me, it eats me alive. I never meant to be such an awful partner, I was unwell and not healed. I was broken myself and you held me together in the worst moments of my life. I owe you so much for that, yet I didn’t do nearly enough and even now, I lack in so many ways because in spite of trying my best, my pain overtakes my mind and every moment we have I am so scared. I am breaking all over again.

If I was selfish, I would let it happen and let you be here in no protest while I watch you hate me eventually. But I remember the man, the only man in my life who loved me. Who actually gave a fuck about me. I remember you telling me you will show me the love I deserve, so I have to fight for what I know you showed me I deserved. Even if it’s against the version of you whose love might be a memory you’re holding on to. I have to ask you to work with me, to be honest with me, to really try while I give my all to try to get us to a better place. And if this version of you has given me up, I have to come to a conclusion with you. I have to let it go.

I want it to be you. I want it to be you so bad, I want to see you strong again. I want to see you smile. I want to see you in a better place. I want us to be in a better place. I want to see us win.

All I know is how to lose, but I have to choose a different way if I’m going to make us a future. Make myself a future. I have to try with all that I am, what I have left, and I have to give it everything before I can accept you’re just another man who can’t love me. And you will be the last man I love if that were to happen.

[junglejim4322]

Why did 4 months of this year go by in like a week

[junglejim4322]

Where am I

[gorgonapologist]

When Daphne transforms into a bay tree, the moment is one of both horror and deliverance. She is no longer what she once was, but the metamorphosis frees her from the unwanted attention of Apollo. This duality of horror and emancipation sits, I think, at the core of female transformation. Within the horror genre (and arguably everywhere else), bodies read as female are always subject to pain, and to the threat of violation. Becoming something else—a tree, a freak, a monster—preempts this pain and reduces the risk of harm. It may even, if the transformation is the right one, allow you to cause harm in return.

Julia Armfield, On Body Horror and the Female Body

[worthless-wh0re29]

Yum

[worthless-wh0re29]

Drvgs

I miss you so much. I try to push it out my head. I try to forget how much I was myself and how it made like feel. I think of you every single day. I think of you in the morning, the evening, and especially the night. You are a comfort that I’m forbidden from.

My friends shame me for it and my partner claims they’ll leave over it, even if he found me this way in the first place. They mean something to every addict but to me, they were something that were free. I wanted to relapse for years and years and I finally did. And despite everything that happened, I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it at all because when I look back, even in that pain, I enjoyed life in indescribable ways.

I never quit anything for myself. I never would have even considered it. I quit it for him. And now he holds it above me, says he’ll leave. I love him more than drvgs I genuinely do. But it’s a constant battle internally that I can’t speak on, that I can’t acknowledge or else. What am I to do when I get bad again? Do I hide it from every single one I love? Can I? I want to be honest, accepted for who I am. But to that’s far from reality.

[worthless-wh0re29]

I’ve felt gone for a long time now.

I’m in a better space now, a home and a relationship yet I’m worse than ever. I though time healed things but it’s been years and none of these wounds have become scars to bear. I’m still bleeding. Even if it’s not to death, it’s still everyday. Some days I’m numb but I can still feel that. And other days I feel everything, but I’m numb to the good no matter what.

There’s this gap between me and everything around me. I’m aware it was probably always there yet I’m so far now. I can’t connect to my lover the way I want to, I can’t drown into him like I used to and I can’t connect to friends the way I once could. I don’t feel nature and breathe deep to be engulfed in it. I’m so deep within my body I’m only experiencing from the inside out. I don’t truly enjoy thing even when I’m meant to and it pains me so bad.

It’s been two years now and you still burden me everyday. I don’t cry for you, I mourn the person you stole from me. I want me back. I want myself back. My energy and passions, my confidence, my love, my peace. I want it back and you fucking stole it. I wish it was an object I could demand. I wish it was something I could confront you for but I’d look insane. How did you do that? How is it even possible for someone to do that to a person?

I tried pushing you out my mind, hating you, forgiving you.. you haunt me. Not even you but what you represent. Everytime I mourn me I remember who I was with you. I can’t have a best friend again, deep down not really. You ruined that. It’s hard to admit but I connected with you in a way no one else came close to even when you treated me like I was invisible. I was fucking everything when I knew you. You fucked me over so bad and never even was forced to acknowledge it, you don’t even have to think of me. But I’m still in pain.

The worst of it is I’m losing my relationships because of you. Im taking too long to get better. I try not to blame you but it only started when I had to stop being around you.

I want to be able to love deeply again. I want to love my boyfriend with everything but I’m not my everything anymore. And I can’t explain that to anyone. Only I understand the contract I created with that soul bond. I made a soul bond with a person who didn’t even agree to it back. I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to find you peace. Even if it took me dying, being drained completely, being belittled by you and manipulated by you to the point it ruined me, to give you all my things and all my time and all my energy. I never spoke of my pain and when I finally told you, you didn’t even care to hear me. Someone else saved me from dying for you and it was too late. Maybe I was doomed regardless.

im never not going to be a sad person. the pain will never heal and i think you were the same way. i didnt know at the time that there was no way of escaping that. i understand that defeat completely. im going to relapse soon, because im done. Everyone will give up in the end and it kills me to watch it.

I dont want to be alone anymore.

[worthless-wh0re29]

I’m so tired of the cycle

I’m a selfish person by default. I try in so many ways to be different yet I always become angry again. My internal struggle is strong and I’m drowning in it.

I just want to be at peace. I want to accept things and be able to heal. To let go of everything that once was. There’s something inside that will always eat it’s way to the surface. I’m back to being a bad person again

[heavensghost]

[worthless-wh0re29]

I wanna die rn

[worthless-wh0re29]

Too sick to be normal, not enough to be Ill. No matter what, people will always say they’ve had worse.

[worthless-wh0re29]

To be surrounded by people who are sober in the first place.. it’s isolating. Honestly if it were opposite, maybe I’d still feel the same.

I’ve had to realize if I relapse, it’s at the expense of you. Our relationship. You don’t understand. Don’t see it how I do constantly. You say I don’t do drugs anymore but everyday In my mind I do. Every hour. Everyday. In our conversations, I’ve had to come to conclusion you want this relationship when it’s easy. I probably don’t make it easy for you but to me this is the best I’ve been. But you don’t see that. Cause you weren’t there. And when my life was darkest, you did stay there and helped me. But it’s not like that now.. why? Why is it changed? Do I need an excuse to be that person? What happens if that’s just me?

I feel split into two. The person everyone wants to see. And then the person I always was. Am, underneath. I’m constantly hiding from everyone. You, my friends, my job, strangers. Because everyone will leave me if I’m not sober. But I don’t want to be. I don’t want to pretend to be healthy and blow up inside over and over and over again. People aren’t here to listen to me. They don’t care enough to acknowledge it. They don’t know it. I have to live with me every single day. And now I can’t cut? I can’t do xanxs with my money, can’t do coke anywhere near you which I understand but.. this is who I was when you met me. This is always who I was and now I have to be who you want me to be? What happens when you actually fucking see I’ve always been destructive? What happens when I don’t stop cutting? When I relapse or do something you’d shame me for? I almost did heroin. I have always had things pushing me to worse inside and what if I did fuck up? You would’ve left me then, like everyone already did? Or is it just not fucking worth it to stick it through the worse. I wouldn’t leave you

If you relapsed, if you became who you were, I’d you did those things again, I wouldn’t leave. I wouldn’t leave. I wouldn’t leave if you hurt yourself, or attempted. I wouldn’t leave for anything like that but you.. you’d leave. And you wonder why I pester you to know those things because I have to pretend again. I have to pretend like I’m a fucking person for another person again. I should’ve known man. I should’ve fucking known. Now I have to prepare for you to leave me if I’m too fucked up. Now I have to act like that doesn’t both me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be this person. I used to be so worried before we got together that’d I love you more in the end. And I was fucking right. I was right.

[worthless-wh0re29]

I’m a bad person

[worthless-wh0re29]

I think of relapsing so often,

But then I have to think of you.

How I could disappear and sometimes

I really wish I would,

But I can’t.

I cant die on you and become another tragic youth

But god, how I miss the drugs.

[worthless-wh0re29]

Went from being shown to everyone, talked about to everyone to nothing. Talked of when I’m asked about maybe. But not cherished. Not like I used to be. It changed and I’m not surprised. But it hurts to know love wasn’t meant to stick with me and I was right all along

[worthless-wh0re29]

I wish I was fucking dead

[worthless-wh0re29]

I’m thinking of killing myself again.

I am a ruiner. I fuck up everything I touch. Why am I alive again? Why am I.. am I doing this again?

[worthless-wh0re29]

I’ve been down in a different sense lately.

I’ve been slipping on a few things. Which is okay. But when I have major draw backs, I thought I was supposed to express it.

I wanted to give warning. I wanted to have nothing hidden between us because you’ve been upset before about it, understandable of course. So I brought it up. It wasn’t for attention. It wasn’t an attempt to feel you care or whatever. But when I had told you, you told me that.. I was to handle it my own. That I am alone and responsible for me. Which is right. Absolutely right. I just, never really seen you do that before. Are you growing tired of it?

I’m really tired of it. Imagine being in the mind who conducts it all. It’s not all a selfish ploy or a need to reassure you love me. This is who I am. And I am trying to fix it. It’s hard to learn how to change and examine my own behavior to what I caused when the original thought, I did nothing wrong but in reality it’s everything wrong. But I’ve been far too caught up in myself

I miss hearing you talk about you. Learning about you. Trying to help you in the best ways I could. Maybe you really don’t have much bothering you or my constant rollercoaster has chased your communication efforts away. Hopefully if I’m quite long enough, you’ll trust to try and talk to me again.

I wish it was how it used to be. Where we could fuck and you were just as broken as me. Not Me being the problem. Every single instant. Where every possible unforgettable moment can flip back into “sex”.

I want to kill myself sometimes.