So here is my life right now, I just need to write it down so I can have it. If anyone makes it through congrats to you because it is mostly just thoughts to write down just because. I apologize for any mistakes there is because well I am clearly not perfect.
So I am in a love triangle because both of my ex’s decided that they made a huge mistake and that I am the best person they have ever dated. I really don't know what to say or who to choose, although I have kind of technically chosen. It is messy.
Here's what happened, I dated both these guys the first guy lets call him guy A, we dated for 4 months and we were happy but he broke up with me in May because he wanted to be free and not be tied down. When me and guy A broke up it was hard, he was a first boyfriend and my first kiss. It was the first time I had to learn to let go of something and it was hard. I wanted to talk but I knew he made his decision and there wasn't anything I could do to change it.
The second guy let’s call him guy B I dated and we were happy but he wasn't ready to really fall in love and so yet again I had another break up in May. When guy B broke up with me it was so so hard. I didn’t eat for days and I slept all the time because I was so upset. We kind of left room for if we ever got back together but he had some major stuff to work on so I didn’t know if I would ever get him back. Our break up was really hard to get over and really if I am honest to this day I am not necessarily over how it all went down.
Now this is where things get more messy, I choose not to talk to guy B because every time we stopped talking it was like we broke up all over again so I just had to let him go completely. Me and guy A didn’t talk for a whole year until we ran into each other in a common place and he avoided me like the plague. But I wanted to clear the air with A on everything and make sure there was no hard feelings so we began to talk. It started as once a month then ever two weeks then a couple times a week and then eventually it became daily (mostly cause of snapchat) I didn’t want to think much of it but of course when you are getting that much attention from someone you have to. One day our break up came up and we began talking of getting back together, I thought it was a good idea we were good together we definitely had some things to work on but doesn't everybody. He made me laugh and was a really sweet guy so we decided that why not get back together.
Now 4 days after we were back together guy B messaged me and told me he missed me and he loved me and he made a big mistake letting me go. All I could do that day was cry but I don’t really know why. Was it because what I had wanted for so long was right there in front of me but because I am in another relationship I could not go for it or was it because I had to disappoint someone and say no which I am really bad at. It was a hard day really a hard couple of days. I told guy A it didn’t change anything and at that moment it didn’t really, it was something that was hard but I had made my decision.
Then flash forward 6 weeks when I am back at school, I ran into guy B when I was done my classes and he asked if we could talk. We sat in our chairs talking for 4 hours, we covered almost every subject imaginable. He told me how sorry he was for how things ended and the choice he had to make, he said he missed me every day since we broke up, he said that no matter where he was whether that was the other side of the world or trying to move on with another relationship I was always in his head. He told me he loved me. It was all nice to hear in the sense that it was an ego boast but it killed me inside to hear him say these things and know that he can’t have what he wants. I so badly want to make everyone happy but it doesn't seem feasible. I told guy A of our little run in and some of the things that were said, guy A for the first time was a little jealous, he knew that guy B was interested but I think he thought guy B would get the I am in a relationship message and back off but really that hasn't been the case. I shoved guy B aside because that is what guy A has asked of me. He believe that distance is best and I do for the most part too, it is just hard. I told guy B that distance is the best and that lasted for all of three days before there was something I wanted to talk to him about. Then there was a meet up that guy A didn’t know about and now all the cards are on the table.
I like both of these guys very much, they have played significant roles in my life but I am not sure what I want. I hate having to literally destroy the future each of them has planned out for “us”, it is a large task. Some days I am so happy with guy A and others I can’t seem to get guy B out of my head. Both have promised to only make me happy and to treat me excellent and both can help me live the life I want to live.
Guy A is a true gentlemen, he pays for me, he drives me around, and he opens my doors. He cares for me but he never seems like he lets me all the way in. Sometimes he seems very surface level to me and it makes me worry what is underneath or whether anything is underneath. He is very relaxed and funny. I am always smiling in his presence. But he is my dad, which is not a bad thing but I don’t want a relationship like me parents and I can quickly see that we have that potential. Guy A has an excellent work ethic and never lets anything get him down but he still has yet to accomplish his goals and that worries me. What if he never gets where he wants? How would that change his life would he be too stubborn to see that his goals may never happen? What is the default? He is someone I can talk to about anything without the worry of being judged but he never seems to want more than what I tell him, he doesn't inquire when I expect him to and sometimes that makes him seem a little uninterested. He also is really bad at being weak, he doesn't like to let people seem him hurt or hurting which leads to this whole part of his life that I feel I am excluded from.
Guy B is a genius with so many talents that I love witnessing. Although he is not a gentlemen he did say he treated me wrong the first time we dated so that could change. He is emotional, he tells me what makes him upset and when he cries and what he cries about. He is inspiring, I have never had someone challenge me more than he does, and although sometimes I rebel he pushes me to do new things and to be a better person. He listens and remembers what I have said. He cares lots about other people and seems to make a good impression on the people he meets. He has a creative spirit and an adventurous mind that leads him to a world of opportunities in his future career. He is funny and good at accents. I like the way he walks and talks and his dimples are nice too! Guy B believes dance is the way to solve conflict in the world and I think that is genius and so funny. Guy B just like guy A has the potential to help me do what I want in my life. He has some flaws though and he was pretty flighty the first time we dated that trusting him would be the hardest thing I could ever do. He lets me feel needed which is an excellent way to make me happy. He is vulnerable with me and probably knows more about me than any other person in my life. He has a thankfulness list that is in his bedroom and his goals right beside it.
I just don’t know what I want. If I could combine them it would be ideal but that is not how it works. I don’t know whether to go with the guy who will always strive to make me happy and content or to go with the guy who challenges me to be more. Would I still like guy A if he didn’t do these things for me or do I like him because he lets me live life the way I want without much effort on my part. Would things really change with guy B or would I still have to force him to be a gentleman. I will never really know any of these things but I continue to pray everyday to find out the reason for this. Is God trying to remind me that he has a life planned for me that is with guy B by brining him back into the equation or I am supposed to resist the temptation of another and stay with guy A?
Part of me wants to just disappoint them both and start a new, it will be so hard to disappoint one and be with the other knowing what has happened. Will I always wonder what would have changed with guy B if I never date him again? Will I be able to live with myself if I break the heart of a guy that is fully committed to me? There is a lot on my plate and not a lot of answer to my problems. I like them both and they both mean so much I am in trouble.
I go back and forth all the time and maybe some of it is that I like the attention that this gives me. When one is absent I can have the attention of the other. But also it brings me great guilt to have no idea what I want and who I am going to choose. Both can make me happy and both clearly care about me but is there a right choice? Or could I make it work with either of them?
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