baggage that nobody will ever accept..?
hi everyone. please stay with me, as this might be a little rambling.. TW for sexual assault.
I’m a survivor of SA that happened very early in life, and as a result I’ve been pretty much celibate.. like my entire life. I’m in my late twenties, which is well past when most people have their “first” everything, and I’ve never even kissed anyone. not only is it embarrassing, but at this point I don’t even know what I can possibly do about it. I’m not asexual, I’m just very fearful. the idea of being known intimately makes my skin itch, but at the same time… I want it. it’s not like I don’t, y'know?
it’s made even harder by the fact that I’m a lesbian, and seeing as my assault was by a man, I view women as my safe space.. that being said, my last “talking stage” did me incredibly dirty.
she was in a profession that led me to believe she would be understanding of my trauma, and yes… I did tell her what happened to me. I did tell her I had issues with intimacy because of it. still, she spoke sexually to me only a few weeks in, and I admittedly liked the attention.. she ended up flying me out to where she was and I stayed for an entire week, about a thousand miles from home. the trip was nice, actually. there was no pressure from her, even when I was drunk and tried to initiate. at one point, I literally cried in her arms because I was afraid that she might take my lack of initiation (while sober) as rejection, and I didn’t want her to feel that way. she insisted it wasn’t my fault and that she understood.
the day I left, while I was ON THE PLANE… she texted me saying that she didn’t think I was actually interested in her romantically, despite the fact that we cuddled every night, held hands, and went on a date that I felt went really well. I was really caught off guard, betrayed, and disappointed.. it turned into a huge fight and she blocked me. we never spoke again. that was over a year ago.
that whole thing led to me feeling worthless and like that’ll be the outcome every time I try to get into a relationship.. nobody is going to want someone with the fear and anxiety and baggage that I have. I’m also autistic, which I think played a large part in my inability to understand what was happening until it was too late.
please… if any other sapphics have been through something like this, or if you’re a butch/stud/masc that wouldn’t be put off by a femme with trauma… please let me know. that’s not me fishing for a relationship, either. I just mean “let me know” in a literal sense. any advice or reassurance is welcome and greatly appreciated. I’ve been feeling very down about it lately.
Some comments that stood out:
PeeshPit: You didn’t state it, so I have to suggest getting yourself some professional therapy to talk this all out and getting proper support for it. There will always be a possibility of finding a loving, supportive, and healthy relationship despite traumatic things that have happened to you.
Blaze-Heart: as a stud, i just want to tell you that you are absolutely not damaged, worthless, or carrying some kind of baggage that no one will accept. i dated a femme who was a survivor of SA by a man. before we started dating, when things first began shifting from friendship into something romantic, she was very upfront about her trauma and how it gave her a lot of fear and anxiety around intimacy. she wasn’t asexual and she wasn’t uninterested in me, she was just scared. i told her i understood and that it wasn’t a problem for me. we would hold hands, kiss, cuddle, and there were a few times where we’d make out and i’d ask if she wanted to go further. when she said no, that was the end of it. i never pushed, never guilt-tripped her, and never took it personally. we’d just keep making out or move on with our night. i remember a friend asking me if i was really okay with waiting years, or even never having sex with her at all. my answer was yes. because i cared about her far more than i cared about having sex. about 1 year and a half after we met, 8 months after we became friends and around 5 months into dating, she told me she felt ready to take that step. we had a long conversation about it beforehand, and she told me she felt safe with me. from there we had a healthy sex life for the rest of our relationship. i’m sharing this because i want you to know that the right person won’t see your trauma as a burden. they’ll respect your boundaries, move at the pace that’s comfortable for you, and do what they can to help you feel safe. you’re not less lovable, less desirable, or less worthy of a relationship. the woman you were talking to may not have been the right fit for you, but i promise there are mascs, butches, studs, and other sapphics out there who would have no issue meeting you where you’re at. the right person won’t make you feel broken for needing time.
Material_Pepper313: Honestly, you absolutely can have what you need. It isn’t too much to ask that someone be there for you emotionally until you’re ready to be totally together physically. When someone truly loves you, they’re patient and kind. I would be willing to put in the love and support for a partner who needed it, and I can’t be the only one who is willing to do that. Don’t give up on yourself. Your other half is out there.
SylvilagusObscurus: I also am an early-age SA survivor- FDI to be specific, so my abuser was also obviously a man. I also went through a period of coerced heterosexual prostitution in my adulthood. My now-wife met me during that time. I was the most affected by my trauma as I have ever been then, and she knew about it all and still chose to become my girlfriend, then my fiancée, then my wife, and now I am pregnant with her child :) The right person will love you through all of your trauma. The biggest thing is that you have to want to level how to cope with how it affects you, of your own volition. No one else can “heal you” but they can absolutely help you with your journey. My wife taught me that my life is worth living for both myself and for her; she stayed with me through some serious addiction issues that I had to work through on my own, but with her support that made a world of difference. Love is a powerful thing. When you are hurt at a young age so deeply, you may not learn this for a very long time. But you will find someone who will show you this truth!!
Dizzy-Captain7422: I’m masc and autistic, and have experienced something similar. I absolutely would not be put off by a partner with trauma. I’m taken, but I have absolutely no doubt that many others out there feel the same. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so down about this. I know very well how hard it is to deal with. Trauma and autism can feel so overwhelming at times. Nothing you’re asking for is too much, and you’re not too much. The right person for you will be patient and gentle. I promise she’s out there.
Originally shared by Spamacc69z on r/actuallesbians on June 10th, 2026 at 7:39 PM UTC.
