The past two weeks have been a challenge. My back has been a pain, which I believe is directly related to the extra weight I’ve put on. It has been all about figuring out why I stopped working out and figuring out how to get back on track. I think right now I can stay I’m on a trail that’s on its way back to the main road.
I think a main thing that has been tanking me is the restart of my bad habit: pop. When the lockdown started, I started ordering pop with my groceries. Before, I would just grab a 20oz or two at the store when I was finished shopping. Besides that, my beverage of choice was water flavored with various types of Crystal Lite (I very rarely can stand drinking plain water, so this is my incentive). When I first drastically reduced my intake of pop, the weight flew off before I hit the “you need to exercise more” plateau.
So the past week, I’ve been finishing off the Coca-Cola that was in my fridge (there’s still some diet pop in there, but that has done better for me weight-wise than regular pop). The caffeine headaches have not been fun. I have noticed that my hypersomnia crops up a lot more when I don’t have caffeine to start my day, so I’ve found a remedy for it. I have been buying Reign energy drinks now that I will only be drinking one of in the morning. These are not your everyday energy drinks. They are actually geared toward exercise, boosting your energy, electrolytes, no sugar, et cetera. I will caution those that are not used to drinking a lot of caffeine: they will turn you into your own personal earthquake. They give me a boost to keep me awake and I usually do not have to use my Provigil to keep me going (which is a bonus because I don’t like taking them if I don’t have to).
After the first week, I was starting to feel a bit better, but my diet was still lacking good things. I was still overeating whatever sugar stuffs I could get my hands on. It is still difficult to tell Shopping Danie not to let Sugar-Craving Danie override healthy choices with ice cream and cookies. This week, I was able to convince myself to buy more fruits and vegetables than sweets, but some wiggled their way in. I shopped at Whole Foods this week and picked a lot more real food than fake (as in foods without preservatives and added sugars). As I’m writing this, I have just finished a 3-egg omelette filled with Beyond Sausage, cheese, and baby spinach (and my 3-year-old daughter actually asked me to give her a few leafs of spinach to eat plain... I was gobsmacked).
Now that we’ve got the diet back under control for the most part (I’m still binging at night) it’s time to move on to the other life things. The first thing I’ve done of significance has been cleaning and flipping my living room around. Change has always been something that helps motivate me and make me feel better. This weekend, I moved around part of my office in order to get my streaming area set up again. My first setup made it so I could easily jump between art, crafts, and gaming without changing too much. My second setup has been a hindrance. I was stuck just gaming and I didn’t really want to do just gaming. I have been wanting to get back to my creative side for a long time now, which I think has been blocked by a lot of things over the past... decade at least, I think.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am an artist. Pretty much every moment of my life I could spare (and some I couldn’t... oops) was dedicated to doodling or drawing something. As my depression and ADHD became worse, the motivation and inspiration to create art became nonexistent. There are several people in my life that have asked why and wonder why I don’t draw anymore. Well, there’s your answer. I was in a toxic environment for a long time and recovery from continues to be a struggle. My hope by setting up and streaming my art and creative projects with the occasional gaming session will help get me back to where I used to be and more. My dream has always been to make a living drawing and creating things. Part of me thinks that I’ve passed my prime... but I’m only 35 and need to stop telling myself that. I know plenty of creatives on social media, YouTube, and Twitch that are my age or older who make a living doing what they love. Why not me?
So, there you have it. That is what I’ve been up to for the past couple weeks. My goal for this next week is to finish getting my streaming area set up and all of the bells and whistles that go along with actually making it look presentable. The goal for the end of the month is to actually be streaming again (long-term being that I hit Twitch Affiliate by the end of the year so I can start making money... you guys can actually help me accomplish this!) My health goal is to start the yoga and HIIT up again. I enjoy both. I just need to make my body do them! Until next time...
Stats for Nerds
Day Started: May 21, 2020
Starting Weight: 276.6 lbs (obese)
Current Weight: 278.8 lbs (Goal 160 lbs - healthy)
Weight Gained: 2.2 lbs
BMI: 42.8
Body Fat: 55.8% (Goal 25%)
Water: 30.3% (Goal 50%)
Metabolic Age: 42 years (Goal 35 or less)
Notes: Getting on the scale sucked, but I knew I had to do it. I had to see what my choices were doing to my body.
I've missed posting twice now, so I wanted to drop in and let you know that I haven't given up. I haven't weighed myself in two weeks (I know a gain will discourage me even more right now) nor have I really been exercising or following any semblance of a healthy diet. Welcome to my first setback of this journey. Didn't take long.
As if this journey wouldn't have been hard enough, say, last year, I feel like I'm trying at such a difficult time not only for myself but for the world. We are all in the middle of a pandemic that seemingly has no end in sight. A lot of us are struggling with risk versus life, which cause a plethora of health and mental health issues.
On top of that, we have a much-needed civil rights movement happening across the world. Where it erupted from the murder of George Floyd, it is something that has been long past due and change needs to come now.
Further, we have leadership that seems to be doing everything in its power to stop change or give us guidance and just keep us going in the same viscous circle of hate and division. We need true equality in all areas. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we were all given the same starting line?
That said... being an empath, this all hits me really hard. I don't like seeing people in pain, especially not because they lost a loved one due to someone else's hateful and stupid decision. I don't like seeing people treated unfairly because their skin is a different color or because they have a different gender identity from the "norm" or because they love differently from the "norm". Guess what? There is no norm. The only thing that is normal is that we're all human beings. That should be enough to be accepted in this world.
So, how does this affect my journey, you ask? Well, all of this has a great impact on my mental health. Depression and anxiety tend to exacerbate my ADHD. Not being able to leave my house because I'm high risk and don't want to catch COVID-19 and give it to my daughter puts a lot of stress on me. I work from home normally and used to make it a point to leave my house in order to get exercise and social interaction. Now I have no choice but to stay home. I do still talk to people on a daily basis and exercise my mind, but not being able to go places without worrying someone is going to be an idiot and not wear a mask to save someone else stresses me out. It's selfish and disrespectful. I've seen it the few time I've gone to get gas. I was the only person wearing a mask both times I've gone since the lockdown started. Even people coming and going from inside the store didn't have masks.
It has nothing to do with freedom and the Constitution. It's a public health issue, not a political one. You not wearing a mask means you don't care whether you get COVID-19 and spread it to hundreds of people, including your family. It's like getting on a rollercoaster and not putting your lap bar down. It puts you and the person next to you at risk of flying out and dying. It's like getting drunk then getting behind the wheel of a car. You not only risk killing yourself, you risk killing everyone in the car and anyone you might hit. Your actions affect those around you in any situation, good or bad. I don't understand why anyone would choose to not wear a mask over protecting their own family.
As if these thoughts were not enough for my head, I also can't fathom how someone can look at a person that is different from them and say, "You're nothing like me so it means you are less than me and don't deserve the same rights I have." Our differences make us beautiful. I'm going to leave it at that for now because I could go on for hours.
To top off this cake of stressful chaos, in soul searching since my divorce, I learned that I am asexual. Specifically, demisexual. This means that I don't care about sex nor do I find people sexually attractive. The way I find romantic connection is through getting to know someone. Once that connection is established, sex is an option but I will never initiate it because I don't need it. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me. I've never been sexually attracted to anyone. I could live without having sex for the rest of my life. It's been said to me, "Oh, well, you just haven't had good sex." Not true. I'll leave it at that. I can go into more detail if you guys are curious.
My point in bringing that up is being asexual makes me part of the LGBTQ+ community rather than just the ally I was before. Seeing the Trump administration back off protections for transgender individuals and J.K. Rowling imply that transitioning is a way to escape "being a woman" has absolutely stabbed me in the heart. Imagine being told you don't exist and your feelings are not real. I've had that experience before learning about my sexuality. Maybe not to such an extreme but I can definitely sympathize.
So, these are the things I have been going through and have been piling on since 2016 (maybe even before). My journey to better health has also been a journey of finding who I am. It has also become a journey of coping with the world and doing what I can to change it for the better not only for me but for my daughter. Balancing mental health, physical health, and self discovery are difficult. I still don't know who I am or where I want to be. I just know that I want to be the best version of me I can and provide the best world I can for my daughter.
Until next week, I love you all and keep holding on for a better tomorrow. Wear a mask to save someone else. And all lives matter only when Black lives finally matter. Do something today for someone else and spread kindness. We really, really need it right now...
Well, I was going to try to post every week. I will do my best to post every Sunday going forward (but please forgive me if I miss a few).
Weight Loss & ADHD
Weight loss has been a struggle for as long as I can remember. I have now missed a yoga day and haven’t done HIIT in a week. With every exercise missed, it gets harder and harder to recover. Let me explain ADHD and how it affects daily life. It is hard to understand if you don’t have it but, since you’re here reading this, I can assume that you either know or want to learn about this debilitating mental illness and how it affects EVERY aspect of your life.
There are, at the very least, two sides to the focus aspect of ADHD. There is hyper focus and the inability to focus/prioritize. I have been hyper-focused on work or a video game and lose track of time (hours upon hours before I look at the clock). This means I don’t eat or drink. You would think, “Great! No eating means no weight gain when you have a goal of losing weight. Sounds like a perk to me.” Well, it’s not. Not eating or drinking is ever bonus. You kind of need both to, you know... live.
When I get to point that my body is literally telling me to eat/drink, I am shaking from low blood sugar and I’m stiff from dehydration. This prompts me to reach for something quick and horrible for me to up my blood sugar level fast. When I eat something high in sugar, I feel even worse (your body isn’t designed to run on sugar, unless you’re Jeffree Star -- I swear that man runs on Red Bull and Pixy Sticks). When I feel horrible, I get into a state of depression/anxiety and I eat to make myself feel better. This means I eat more, then overeat. On days when I can’t focus on anything, I sit in front of the TV and eat out of boredom. I eat, eat, eat until I feel full, then continue to eat, eat, eat. I don’t have to explain why this is a problem!
Exercising is a challenge alone for most people. Who wants to run miles without going anywhere, row a boat not on a body of water somewhere, or climb stairs to nowhere? If you said “me”, I envy you. The typical challenge is adjusting your daily routine to incorporate exercise. People with ADHD, everything looks like Mt. Everest. Cook dinner? Nah, that’s too high of a climb. Do the dishes? Forget it. That will take houuuuuurs. Exercise? Well, first I have to find the exercise I want to do, then I have to make space where I want to do it, then I have to change my clothes, then I’ll most likely have to take a shower, but I just ate and I don’t want to throw it up, but you’re going to be fat forever if you don’t. Nah, not climbing that mountain today. Where’s the food?
This applies for every decision in my life. It’s a long list of things that look impossible to accomplish. It’s a vicious and exhausting circle of task > overthink > procrastinate > never accomplish or accomplish at the last minute.
If I can keep myself doing this every Sunday, it might be enough to hold myself accountable knowing people will be reading this and possibly commenting on it. Thanks to those who liked, followed, and commented! I feel the love.
Until next week!
-Danie
Stats for Nerds*
Day Started: May 21, 2020**
Starting Weight: 276.6 lbs (obese)
Current Weight: 274 lbs (Goal 160 lbs - healthy***)
Weight Lost: 2.6 lbs
BMI: 42
Body Fat: 54.7% (Goal 25%)
Water: 31.1% (Goal 50%)
Metabolic Age: 42 years (Goal 35 or less)
Notes:
* I will not be taking body measurements. As long as the other numbers change in a healthy direction, I will visibly see the results. I think measurements will discourage me and this is challenging enough as it is!!
** I have taken a before photo but do not feel comfortable posting it yet. I don’t know if I ever will.
*** My goal is on the higher end of what is considered “healthy” for my height (125-158) but I remember being less self conscious about my body when I was around this weight (which was about 18 years ago). My goal is not only to be healthy physically but mentally. Around 160 is when I wore more expressive clothing compared to now in my baggy graphic tees and plain stretchy jeans or sweatpants.
I have started this journey countless times. Last year, I was successful in losing about 15 pounds and consistently keeping it off. Well, with the pandemic, being stressed about whether I'd have a job, whether I was going to catch the virus, and so on... I binged and stress ate myself to the heaviest I've ever been. I realized it was time to do something or my independence and ability to take care of my daughter would be in jeopardy.
So, here I am. Writing a blog on Tumblr. I did this for a while when I was going through a rough time in my life to help me cope and maybe show to my daughter one day. It helped. But tough times are still not over and I think I need a better outlet than Twitter.
If you've found this... Hi. My name is Danie. I'm a 35-year-old single mom, who is overweight, has depression and anxiety, and has a lifetime enemy named Brad (AKA ADHD). If you can relate to any of this or are interested in learning more about these things, you're in the right place.
I think for today, I'm going to keep it short in the hopes that you'll stick around and consider leaving a comment or liking this on whatever platform this shows up on to give me some motivation to continue sharing my thoughts and adventurers. It really helps to know that you're being heard.
Tonight, I decided to complete Day 1 of Yoga with Adriene's 30-day Home series. This is the second time I've started this and I'm determined to hit all 30 by the end of June. I encourage you to follow along, especially if you're new to yoga.
What I have found out so far is I feel like I'm floating on air when I'm done with yoga. All of my joints are thoroughly stretched and I feel very relaxed and sometimes even emotional. It really does release pockets of pent-up anxiety and stress, leaving you in a puddle of sobbing human on the floor after you say namaste.
The cons for someone with 100+ pounds of fluff that tends to gather at the center of my body is that I can't pretzel into certain positions. I'm like a lawn chair that can't fully fold because you forgot to remove the hemorrhoid donut you were sitting on. I know. I paint beautiful pictures. But I know that I will get there one day. I will be able to kiss my own ass with ease... not that that's my goal. Please don't leave......
This journey will be filled with a lot of ups and downs, and most likely reflection on the past. Once I get a little braver, I might start posting progress photos, weight, measurements, etc. If there is anything you would like me to talk about, please share as we go along and I'll see what I can do.
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read. And remember, you are enough. 💜
[Video description: Russian figure skater Evgenia Medvedeva is dressed as Sailor Moon. She performs a figure skating routine to music from the TV show.]
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