Okay, this is actually what you do if you’re being sexually harassed in any kind of public space. Draw attention to it, preferably pull away and let EVERYONE know that someone is touching you. This will not only get him to get off you but he’ll definitely think about this situation next time he wants to do something like this.
Spreading the word.
My mom and I were talking about this today after hearing about a woman who was molested on a plane who said nothing until she was picked up at the airport by her parents. My mom looked at me and asked what I would do in that situation and I looked her dead in the eye and I told her “it would take me .02 seconds to realize what was going on and yell angrily, and then I would be straight on to bitch slapping him so hard he wouldn’t be able to see the punch I’d throw with the opposite hand”.
She nodded and accepted my salty language like a seasoned sailor.
I’ve had experience with this before, in Prague a group of five girls and I were followed by three men at night. After a while they started yelling at us, the most common being “how much?” Meaning how much we “cost” as prostitutes. Seeing as they weren’t going to stop, I turned on my heel, faced them (which surprised them), spat at their feet and responded with “You couldn’t afford me.” This prompted the other girls to start yelling back at them as well, starting with our spitfire Czech friend to start slinging curses in Czech as she and the rest of the girls came up beside me. Needless to say the men backed off and pretty much fled. They weren’t expecting a fight. It empowered me and encouraged the rest of the girls to yell back too.
I’ve heard that a lot of people don’t know what to do in this situation because they’ve been taught all their lives to be polite and non-aggressive. Keep your heads down or whatever.
Keep in mind that studies have shown that rapists look for victims who won’t fight back.
Remember that nobody has the right to touch you without your consent or harass you, and you have all the right to make the biggest fuss about it that you can possibly make.
Get angry. Be in command.
FUCKING RELEVANT
If someone is doing something that makes you uncomfortable like this, you do not need to be nice. Swear, kick, scream, make the asshole cry. You don’t have to nice, be as rude as you want
It’s really normal and nothing to be ashamed of if you freeze up while being sexually harassed or sexually assaulted. “Fight or flight” isn’t completely accurate and is an outdated model, people in the field of psychology (like my therapists lmao) are saying now “fight, flight, freeze, fawn” is more accurate because a lot of people’s uncontrolled gut reaction to a dangerous or scary situation is to either completely freeze up, or to start fawning to try to appease their attacker. Don’t blame yourself or beat yourself up if your uncontrolled gut reaction to danger was to freeze or fawn, it’s especially really common for survivors of abuse to resort to freeze or fawn especially if they haven’t fully worked through their trauma with a professional.
It’s also more common for women to jump to ‘freeze’ or ‘fawn’ in a dangerous situation just because of the ways society has been encouraging and training women to behave from a young age. Girls are heavily conditioned never to make a scene or inconvenience other people and it can be really hard to overcome that conditioning especially in stressful or scary situations.
For a lot of girls and women it’s also hard to speak up if they’re being harassed or assaulted in public because of shame or embarrassment, they’ve been taught there’s something shameful and embarrassing on their part for being harassed or assaulted in public which can make it difficult to overcome the shame to draw attention to what’s happening. Always remember, if you’re being harassed or assaulted in public you’re not the one who should feel ashamed or embarrassed, you’re not the one doing anything wrong.
A loooot of people always talk big game about how they’d respond if they were being sexually harassed or assaulted, like “well I’d totally punch that guy, I’d totally give him hell!” but the thing is, you actually don’t know which f your brain will jump to in any given situation.
That’s why it’s so important that we need to start telling girls from a young age that it’s not just okay but it’s best if they scream, fight, and make a scene if they’re scared or uncomfortable. Tell them if a man touches them or makes them uncomfortable on the subway or the bus that they should yell and make a scene. Tell them if a man is in public making them uncomfortable to yell and make a scene. Tell them they have nothing to be embarrassed about if it happens to them because they’re not the one doing anything wrong.
Predators who touch girls and women in public or in any way harass girls and women and make them uncomfortable are counting on girls and women being quiet because of the heavy social conditioning to not make a scene or inconvenience anyone or their victims feeling too much shame and embarrassment to speak up. It’s really important that we try to actively combat that social conditioning in girls and work to undo that social conditioning in adult women.
As someone pointed out in the notes, one helpful way to combat this conditioning and make it more likely you won’t fawn or freeze is to (if you’re comfortable doing this and it won’t be triggering) practice envisioning yourself in these types of situations and envision yourself reacting the way you want to, envision yourself screaming and fighting and causing a scene. That way you will be more likely to react that way if a situation like this happens. But again, don’t ever blame yourself or beat yourself up or in any way feel like it’s your fault if you resort to freezing or fawning because those are still very normal and common reactions to stressful situations like this.
…okay can I please just say thank you for putting that thing in about “freeze” or “fawn”? I have noticed in these kinds of situations I tend to “fawn” and I’ve always hated that about myself. I’ve always thought I was just a coward or a boot licker for wanting to appease someone who was making me feel unsafe. It’s actually REALLY good to know it’s a survival technique right along side of fight or flight (and that it, too, can be managed and overcome, with work!).
Again, thanks. A weight has actually just been lifted.
