Mafia boss smoking a cigar: Why’d you gotta squeal, Squealin’ Stephen? I trusted you. Now I gotta send my best goons to show you what happens when you cross the Big Boss…
Guy tied up in chair: uh…theres just one guy over there.
Mafia boss: Yeah. That’s Lil’ Tony. He’s got one of dem conditions where he’s got multiple mooks n’ his head. But when Big Tony fronts you’re gonna be in big trouble.
Lil’ Tony: We actually all agree we’re gonna kick your ass.
but this post mentions me helping a suicidal person just now opt not to do that, in somewhat detail.
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disclaimer: they/them used to obscure identity, not because those are this person's pronouns.
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somebody I know was giving cagey messages in a group chat, so I DMed to ask if they were okay and if they needed anything, and they sent me a photo of the look over a bridge and said they were trying not to do it. so I called them and was like no come here where are you I will go to you (in hindsight: so glad I didn't need to do that).
this person was clearly crying over the phone and not really able to get words out for a bit but eventually we got to the point where they were able to take a deep breath and go home. someone else from the group chat checked in on them too and is going to call them in the morning to check in. the group chat isn't aware of what's happened, but I did ask them if I could say something like "just want to update that [redacted] had a call, just some personal stuff going on that may or may not be shared later. 💓" and then did. they did say "fuck it you can tell them" but I kind of gently questioned just because there was conflict in the chat immediately before this that [redacted] was not really focused on and it may get read as responsive to that context.
I do kind of think though that I was trying to find an excuse to have them think on it for 24 hours but idk.
the actual convo had stages: me asking what they needed, me giving that support, then us moving into a more conversational zone once they felt more stable, able to walk home and then we had another call when they got home to charge phone.
I will probably have more fully baked thoughts on all this later but I think I kind of came away from that realizing I was fine actually and I think I handled it really well.
at one point they asked if I was going to call the cops and I said no I hate the cops and they said okay good I trust you. and I said thank you for that trust, I am honoured to have it.
I didn't talk about how the cops showed up one of the times Ember attempted because we called for an ambulance and they asked if she was a danger to herself or others and I was like well no shit. apparently saying that is not what you want to say to a 911 operator, and it's something I'll always remember like everything else.
I feel emotionally fine and maybe that's jarring. I remember Val telling me that people with low empathy are very good for whenever you need someone to help set a bone. I always thought of myself as high empathy. I still think of myself this way, but I think I have enough warmth, inner peace, and enough gravity to the hope that I feel in everything and everyone, that it is stronger than anything else. I also realized that my convictions stand on their own, and I don't need to make myself feel the weight of the world's grief or atone for it more than anyone else does. maybe there's more to that. I'm sure if I had a therapist they'd tell me what's up. in the meantime, everything is okay. I'm surprised at the muscles I have with this type of thing but I really shouldn't be.
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