@valianc asked me to shuffle my playlist and use my favorite line of the next song ( above the clouds of pompeii – bear’s den ) as a starter ( meme. accepting. )
“I was too young to understand.” Luna let their words hang in the air for a moment, not uncomfortable with the silence. The topic weighed heavy on them and they didn’t mind taking her time. “When my mother died —– I didn’t comprehend it until I was older.” Luna reconsidered their words, closed their eyes for a moment in thought. Their mother’s death remained a sore spot, even now. “I think it’s still a mystery, actually.” They remembered, for a moment, how their mother had been alive one second and then — a crash and a bang and a lot of light and nothing. While nothing about this situation was good, they supposed it was a blessing that James hadn’t had to witness his father’s death, at the very least. ( Of course, they wished Harry was just here, and that they didn’t have to have this conversation. ) Luna took a sip from their drink, met James’ eyes and smiled sadly. “Death is a mystery I’ve not yet solved, I’m afraid.”
James, as he was wont to do with Luna, was sitting, quiet and steady and listening. James had never lacked for energy or vivacity, but Luna had always been good at making space for him in a way that felt natural, steadying—-like they knew how to soak the world in simply by breathing. He was older now, of course, no longer the small boy who had believed with his whole heart that his Luna was friends with the moon (well, he didn’t not believe that now—-just it had been a long time since he was running around and introducing them that way to the other kids), but the ability to breathe in their presence was still the same, and there was something in that which was unbelievably relieving—-perhaps just because everything else in his life had changed—because things had been lost—it was such a relief to have something he could still hold on to. His mind played over their words. It wasn’t a surprise, he supposed, that they didn’t have the answers —- he wasn’t sure there were even answers to be had. Still, some part of him yearned for something like the easy surety he’d had in his youth that the adults in his life could always say something, and it was enough. Though maybe that hadn’t changed. It was hard to tell, what with all the feelings in his head and heart and chest —- but just because something wasn’t always the exact right thing to say didn’t mean it wasn’t enough. He wouldn’t even know what the right thing looked like anymore.
And so he was looking back in their eyes, and it was just — He didn’t know. He didn’t even know how to finish his own thoughts anymore. “I used to think things would get easier when you grew up,” he said, a huff of laughter beating against the slight hitch in his voice. “I don’t know why, when Dad had to do paperwork and Mum was wrangling us, but — I guess because they didn’t have to ask anyone for what to do, and it seemed like all we ever did.” Inhale — exhale — a shuddery breath. “Now I don’t have to ask anyone, technically, but I’d do anything to ask him for permission to do something again.” He glanced down at his hands, willing back the sudden stinging of his eyes. He looked back at Luna, and with a shaky breath, he asked, “Does it ever stop feeling this way?” He’d always been right for a laugh, and he thought he still was, but it was like, all of a sudden, in one night, he wasn’t just James anymore, not just his dad’s Jamie, but the eldest in a way that seemed crucial for the first time, and his Dad was a pillar in his world and now he was gone, and James didn’t know what he was meant to do except try take the weight, and he wasn’t sure he was strong enough, not like his Dad was, but Godric, it was all he wanted. He’d never wanted to have to be, but all he could do was hope that he was enough right now, that his Dad wouldn’t be disappointed ( it wasn’t that James thought his father would be disappointed in him, exactly —- but the idea of letting down his father, even just the memory of him — maybe especially the memory of him — was more than James could bear right now. )
