I'm waiting for the ah ha moment everyone talks about when they've had a successful fitness journey.
They describe it as a click or a intangible epiphany.
"It just clicked that I have to change my habits."
"I realized it was a lifestyle not a diet."
I have realized all of these things and yet I still can't change. I get the health benefits, I want to be active, I love working out and I enjoy healthy food. I would love to be thinner. I know all the things. But I just can't seem to achieve that elusive lightbulb moment.
I don't hate my body. Again I do wish I was thinner but I have zero desire to be skinny. There's a statue of a crouching Aphrodite. Here is the Greek goddess of love and the epitome of beauty and she has every role and crease and a belly. To me if it's acceptable for the gods it's acceptable for me. I don't have to be a size two. Or lose all of my body fat. But I think that's what makes it difficult for me to dig deep, I feel like you have to have a certain hate in your heart for the way that you look in order to destroy your former self and create something new. I used to feel that way, and that is why I went about losing weight the way I had previously. It wasn't necessarily unhealthy but it was so restrictive and unenjoyable that as soon as I left that environment I slowly gained the weight back. And I just have not been able to reignite that drive, and I realize now why. I just don't hate myself anymore.
A podcast said to make a promise to yourself and keep it and that has resonated much more. I promised myself that I would be an active person. I love being active and outside and moving and doing sports and new things and with my weight it has become more and more difficult and with my age it has become more and more difficult.
I see my aging mother struggle with simple mobility, getting in and out of bed is a chore. I don't want that for my life, and I see myself at this weight making compromises with my mobility. I had a foot injury, and it was really painful and impacted my ability to walk. And it's still hurts every now and again but I was making excuses. And so these last couple of weeks I started running again. I love running. It is extremely difficult and often I think how crazy I am for actually doing it. I used to run 6 mi a day but then over time I stopped, I kept thinking I couldn't start again because I would have to start over and I would never be as good as I used to be. Then my foot hurt and so I compromised by using a stationary bike. I like the stationary bike, but I also read on the stationary bike which means I don't go as fast as I need to to build up endurance. And for years I have been doing that and saying it's my cardio when in reality it is not pushing me nearly enough to make any type of difference in my cardiovascular health. So, I started doing couch to 5K again and I'm determined to run. I don't know if it'll be 6 mi a day. But it's something.
And so the promise to myself is that I will do what I can to improve my mobility and activity level and I will also do what I can to improve my general health by eating well and losing weight.
