ill-advised enthusiasm and heartfelt regret.

𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘴, 𝘪 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘦𝘴. 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵.

[vclkvolny]

#VCLKVOLNY       ——–      this  is  an  independent,  highly  selective  &   mutuals  only  blog  for    nikolai  lantsov     of  the  grishaverse.  mostly  king  of  scars  duology  based,  with  heavy  headcanon  influence.  my  name  is  jess  (  lesbian,  she  /  they  )  and  i  am  24,  living  in  the  eastern  time  zone.   est.  mar  ‘21

carrd  /  memes  /  promo

blogroll  /  where  else  you  can  find  me:  @featherstcnes (  my multimuse  ),  @merzcst  (  the darkling  )

[vclkvolny]

I FINALLY REMEMBERED MY LOGIN TO THIS FUCKING BLOG THANK GOD

[vclkvolny]

hi everyone ! if you’re interested in writing w/ me right now, i’ve been on my multi @featherstcnes . i’m tentatively archiving this blog for now/will be inactive on here just because i’m hyperfixated on other fandoms. i still have muse, but not enough for a solo blog currently - most likely i’ll have this up and running again after a re-read or when the show gets closer to s2.

tl;dr - i’ll be writing nikolai on my mutli, @featherstcnes so follow me there ! i really do want to write more with him, so if you’re interested in plotting, i’ll probably have a plotting call up soon .

[vclkvolny]

would anyone like to  ✨ plot  ✨ potentially bc i miss my boy and would like to attempt to write here again (or on dis.cord it doesn’t matter to me)

[vclkvolny]

casually brushes cobwebs off of this blog hi

[vclkvolny]

hihi i’m still here ily all sorry i’ve been so absent

[vclkvolny]

a little baby polar bear comes up to you and says "you deserve a BIG bear hug!! but since I am only a little bear, I'm going to give you a LITTLE BEAR hug!" and the polar bear gives you a nice big little bear hug to brighten your day.

this is so cute !! i've been saving this in my inbox for a rainy day but ty lil polar bear ! <3

[vclkvolny]

hi, everyone ! i’m going to do a mini clean up of this blog, so i’m going to be dropping most threads and cleaning out my inbox. i might be posting a plotting call this weekend just to get more plotted based threads going as i have the most muse for those. ty all for sticking with me even though i’ve been mia <3 i’ve been hiding reading all of the time after work which has been really fun so ! i will be back soon <3

[kolarpem]

Morning Doodle: Heading home

[vclkvolny]

@euhnoias​ asked: "you have a soft heart." — from linnea? 🥺

   nikolai had tried to be ruthless in his time as king. he knew when to push, when to let go. he knew when to challenge people and when to cut his losses and accept defeat. and yet, there were times when he knew when to let all of that go. when to brush of the persona of being king, of being in power, to just... be nikolai. and it was moments like this, seeing all of the life that he’d had no idea of, that felt as if he could just be himself.  “ a soft heart? ”  he asked, raising an eyebrow slightly as he looked at her.  “ with all of those walls in the palace, it’s a miracle it’s still that way, i think. ”  it was meant to be a joke, but in some sense of his words, it wasn’t. he’d kept walls around himself for so long, even from when he was young. what was meant to be a heart of steel still had some give to it. if nikolai could still give something, give anything, it was love. 

meeting linnea, getting to know her  -  saints, a sister  -  it felt like he could just forget about everything else for a while. he didn’t have to wear that mask of being king, he could simply be.  “ if i didn’t know any better, i’d just think you were trying to be overly nice to me to get something out of me. ”  a beat, that famous nikolai lantsov smile spreading across his lips.  “ it might be working, though. ”

 ✧ — ⋆ ruin and rising starters

[vclkvolny]

@solsnkta​ asked: you saved my life today.

   the words from alina echoed in his mind as he looked at her, his features softening as he did so. he often wondered some days if she realized just how many lives she was saving, just by existing. just by trying to be the person that saved the world, that risked her own life to bring down the darkling. to bring down every small bit of darkness that littered the world because of him.  “ it was nothing. it’s called luck, my dear alina. ”  he said with a small smile, shaking his head before he looked off into the distance. a sigh escaped his lips, trying to find the right words.  

“ you make me laugh some days. you talk of saving lives and yet you’re the one risking your life every single day. ”  a pause.  “ it’s kind of my job to save your life at this point. may as well just write up a contract now that says i’m legally obligated to make sure you’re alive and breathing at the end of each day. ”  and if she wasn’t? well, he was sure that mal wouldn’t hesitate in making sure that nikolai was the one not breathing by the end of the day. still, he looked to alina with a smile, it softening slightly as a long moment passed.  “ you’re helping everyone more than you realize. just you...    doing what you’re doing. all of it. whether you’ve embraced it or not, you really are a saint. ”

  ✧ — ⋆ ruin and rising starters

[vclkvolny]

time for me to break for a little drive to get some coffee and to get out of the house for a bit and then !! i will be back to answer the rest of my memes <3

[vclkvolny]

@nczyalensky​ asked: "i love you."

   it felt like a lifetime that he’d spent with zoya by his side. a lifetime that could be reduced down to a few years. years, that he’d spent what felt like conquering the world with her. in the end, isn’t that what they’d done? he could remember the days where he’d open his eyes, hands still trembling from transforming back into himself. those were the days that his first conscious thought was one of her. that had transformed into her being the person at his side every night, chaining him to his bed...    until that had turned into her bringing him to the brink of death every time the sun went down. and now? she was his queen. a dragon. a monster to fit his monster. and somewhere, in between all of that, they’d found each other. and here, in the darkness, in the moonlight that illuminated the stone banister they were standing next to, looking out at the palace grounds, he felt like he wanted to burn every single memory he had with her into his mind to never let it escape him.

   there were certain things he’d never expected. one of them was those three words that escaped her lips, so sudden that he almost thought he had dreamed them. his gaze moved over to meet hers, a look on his face he wasn’t quite sure how to describe. it was the only thing he needed to lean in to kiss her, his hand moving to her cheek as he’d leaned her jaw up to angle her to meet his lips. it was short, but the kiss held everything he wasn’t quite sure how to put into words. pulling away and looking into her eyes, he knew it was an abyss he’d die to one day get lost in.  “ i love you, too. ”  he was sure that he’d never meant any words more.  “ i wish you knew how many times i’ve wanted to say that. how many times i’m sure you would’ve slapped me for even suggesting that i felt... anything for you. ”  there was a small grin at that, his hand still at her cheek before moving slightly to brush some hair behind her ear. as he pulled it away, he let his hand move down her arm before taking her hand softly into his. intertwining their fingers once his hand found hers, he let out a small, breathy laugh.  

“ you sound a lot better saying it than you do in my dreams, you know. ”  and there was that famous nikolai lantsov smile widening, his eyes focused on her.  “ though, i have to say, most things you do are much better in real life than in my dreams. ”  his mind started drifting to those very things as an arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer to him.  “ say it again, zoya. ”

[vclkvolny]

@drakoroleva​ asked: i don’t want lies between us.

   lies threatened to tear things apart bit by bit until there was nothing left. being in a place of power, in a place where one wrong move threatened to tear an empire down, there was no room for lies, not to people in positions that were just trying to help. and yet now, between them, it felt like the words held more weight than that. he’d always trusted zoya. he’d trusted her from the moment she’d helped him from falling to his death. he’d trusted her in saving him every night that he’d transformed into the... unsettling side of himself.  “ then there’s no lies, zoya. ”  the promise was in his eyes, a look that he hoped held all the words he didn’t say.  “ and anyway, i think you’d be a pretty awful liar. ”  there was a small grin that rose on his face as he spoke, tugging at the corner of his lips.  “ i’d say i already know what you look like when you lie, but i haven’t quite picked up on all of your tells yet. you’re stuck with me, though. so i’ll figure them all out eventually. ”

   he’d always appreciated her brutal honesty, the way that she’d speak her mind despite anything that was going on around them. it was something he’d learned to appreciate, learned to welcome in any conversation. suddenly, a piece of thread at the hem of his pants became the focus of his hand. his gaze locked on the fabric for a moment before he spoke again, looking up at her to meet her gaze after a long few moments passed.  “   ----   we don’t need to lie. ”  he told her, gaze focused on her.  “ i don’t want to. ”

✧ — ⋆ ruin and rising starters

[vclkvolny]

@mrzost​ asked: you don’t understand. none of you do.

   it was almost laughable, really. to think that a man with a plan to destroy everything felt like they were the ones to not understand. nikolai wondered for a bit what it might have been like if he had grown up next to the man standing in front of him. if he hadn’t left the grand palace and hadn’t lived his life in the army. if he hadn’t left and became sturmhond. if he hadn’t practically staged a coup right on his own ship to get alina and mal away and bring them to safety. some days, it felt like nikolai had a bit of a death wish, and yet he still pushed forward, still tried to make all of this make sense.  “ don’t understand what? that you killing hundreds on hundreds of people was just part of your master plan? that it’s for the good of the people as a whole? ”

   nikolai had always fought for ravka. but this? whatever plans the darkling had? this wasn’t fighting for their country. for ravka.  “ tell the people that lost family that they just don’t understand. ”  thoughts of the darkling, of the man in front of him, never failed to light a fire beneath him. it never failed to make him feel like he needed to do something to help, to stop this madness. and yet, he was just one person. but with alina? with the crew he kept around? maybe they had a shot.  “ enlighten me, darkling. tell me what we all apparently don’t understand. ”

✧ — ⋆ ruin and rising starters 

[notmorbid]

ruin and rising, pt. 1.

dialogue prompts from ruin and rising by leigh bardugo.

you learn more by losing.

wouldn’t it be nice if we only got what we asked for?

you have a soft heart.

you blew something up without me?

the less blood on your hands, the better.

why haven’t you visited me?

you didn’t fail me.

eventually you’re going to have to talk to me.

be more careful.

i won’t always be around to save your ass.

i don’t think i can do this alone.

i hope you weren’t waiting for me to be the voice of reason.

i keep to a strict diet of ill-advised enthusiasm and heartfelt regret.

i forgot how often i want to stab you.

it’s alright. be honest.

this is not some children’s story.

i don’t reserve my friendship for perfect people.

i don’t want your pity.

you don’t understand. none of you do.

now i’m just something for you to fix.

i am not ruined. i am ruination.

remind me to stay on your good side.

you saved my life today.

maybe you were right to be afraid of me.

wanting and deserving aren’t the same thing.

suffering is cheap as clay and twice as common.

i don’t want lies between us.

i miss knowing what happens next.

[vclkvolny]

   the streets of ketterdam held memories that nikolai knew he wouldn’t forget anytime soon. the atmosphere, the constant volume of noise throughout the city, the smell of the harbor, the shop owners trying to lead people into stores with promises of goods that would suit their needs, it all fed into the atmosphere of the city that held just the band of criminals that he needed. it had been weird to adjust to things, really. not being king, being able to explore again, being able to just be nikolai   ---   well, it was a nice change of pace. he still helped zoya, of course. gave her counsel whenever she needed, but if anyone could lead ravka into a golden age, it was the dragon queen herself. as nikolai walked, he kept note of all of the landmarks around him, reminding him of exactly what he was facing. the hustle and bustle of ketterdam in some ways was calming, reminding him that everyone who walked these streets had a job. had some semblance of a plan.

   when he saw the familiar entrance to the crow club, nikolai ducked his head a bit, moving into the crowd of people. some days, he wasn’t really sure how kaz kept this up, how he managed to simply keep a hold on all of the power in a city like this. for someone so young, he’d been playing his cards right his entire life, it seemed. in the crow club, time seemed to lose its meaning, the drinks flowing, people throwing away their last bit of kruge on a hand that they most likely would lose. nikolai had picked up some things from kaz, most notably picking a few difficult locks that had come surprisingly in handy during his time as king. but just like kaz, nikolai watched. and it was that very gaze that led him over to what he thought was a familiar figure.  “ you know, as much as everyone says ketterdam is so dangerous, i have no trouble getting through the roads here. maybe your security needs to do... more securing. ”  it was a joke, his teasing words paired with an upturn of his lips that turned into a wide smile.  “ is this my warm welcome into ketterdam, kaz? i expected more pizazz. ”     /    @rietveild​ plotted starter