Veerle's Thoughts

So this is my thoughts, photo's and quotes garbage can <3

[quotefeeling]

“Find things beautiful as much as you can, most people find too little beautiful.”

— Vincent Van Gogh

[quotefeeling]

“I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away.”

— Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines (via thebookquotes)

[veerlesthoughts]

So recently I found out my stepfather is depressed again. And it turned out that he used to be depressed every year for a couple of months when I was younger, but I totally forgot about that. But now that he is depressed again I guess I’m just realising how hard it is to live with someone who is depressed. He also has a tendency to turn his depressed feelings outward, so he’s very pessimistic about everything and constantly mad, angry, disappointed, annoyed at everything. I guess I just kinda forgot how hard it is to live with such a big force of negativity in your life when you yourself are trying so hard to stay happy and healthy. It is just hard and has a big impact on your life. I cant imagine how I must have felt when I was younger. It must have been so hard. Even harder because sometimes he would be happy and hopeful and the next time he would tell me I could never do it or that what I was trying was useless or worthless.

[veerlesthoughts]

Cause when you are imagining, you might as well imagine something worthwhile.

Anne of Green Gables - L.M. Montgomery

[veerlesthoughts]

I’m back?

Haven’t written anything in a long time, but I feel like I should start again. I have been feeling like I have no one to talk to lately. Or like I wanna talk about all the things that happened to me when I was younger. Which is weird cause it’s been so long and there’s really no reason to talk about it, so why dó I wanna talk about it? Especially why to my newer friends? Why do I want them to know all the shit that I went through? Cause it will probably change their view on me and I don’t like to be pittied... 

Maybe it’s more about wanting to talk about more than just superficial stuff. At the moment I don’t really have any deep conversations with anyone about my beliefs or other deep shit... Which is a pity, I think, cause I looove talking about deep things. I wanna know all the things people went through, or how they feel about politics or religion or aliens or whatever. Do they believe in faith? What is their biggest secret dream? Mine is probably that I really wanna find a special someone. I just wanna know what it’s like. I’m so done with allllllll the convo’s about sex and relationships and me just sitting there like “yeah, cool cool”. Sometimes I feel like I just want all those first times to be over with, just to shut people up. But then I’m way too much of a romantic books type of person, so I will probably wait for my fairytale moment. I just wish someone would find me the most interesting person they know. I want someone to look at me and think that there is no better, cause they think I am special in some way. I don’t know if that is something that truly happens in this world, but I reaallllyy want it to. I just wanna feel special and seen. Like I find myself very interesting and my thoughts very funny sometimes, but I don’t feel like anyone else would think that... Hahaha, so maybe I’m just very narcistic? Idk menn hahaha, it’s okay tho. I love myself so much more now than I did a year ago. There are so many moments now, where I look at myself and think “mm, it’s quite good, you pass the test!” you know? I love that I’m able to accept myself for what it is, but at the same time also have dreams abuot how to improve. That’s all purely physical tho, mentally I still struggle a lot, cause I feel like there are so many things about me that are just not likeable. I feel like I talk too much. I feel like I’m annoying. I feel like I’m straight up boring. I feel like I wine a lot, which irritates people and makes them think like “I’ve already told you a million times ... stop it” which makes me not believe people when they tell me shit, cause they just react out of predudices about my thoughts and out of habit. But okay...

I kind of have to finish three preperations before tomorrow and it’s already 1.15 AM soooo I kinda gotta go. Was fun talking to you tho (to me?...). 

Till next time x

[veerlesthoughts]

My trail of thought right now...

English and dutch in a mix, im sorry

Dus kheb morgen 8.30 schriftelijk tentamen, ben nog niet begonnen met leren, afgelopen heb ik gewerkt aan alles behalve dit tentamen bc i dont wanna let people down for our projects and also bc i have a fear for learning, was vanmiddag na stage in slaap gevallen en daarna heb k alleen depressed zitten zijn bc i hate myself foe not doing better and im so embarrassed for all of this and my slb'er is also the teacher of this course and she is gonna be so disappointed :( and im so disappointed in myself eeeeevery time, dus kheb deze avond alleen muziek gespeeld to get my feelings out, netflix gekeken, muziek geluisterd for the feelings en muziek geschreven to try n explain what im feeling and im so confused atm, bc i break down before évery exam, so it can be explained by just being lazy, not studying and then not being able to handle the stress and pressure, bit why do i have to feel so depressed every time... and feel completely numb inbetween these breakdowns, like where is my life... and also should i just quit my studies bc im obviously not ready or not capable or whatever, i just wanna cry my eyes out, but i cantt its so frustrating, kinda like the song: no tears left to cry... these are also the moments im just thinking about my entire life, like what am i doing here? Bc im supposed to do so many things but i just dont fit any of that, like this world just isnt made for me and that gets me wonsering on why im here if im not gonna be important for anyone and im not gonna make a change and im not capable of doing anything thats inspiring or important and why do i always go so far into my depri shit when im stressed or idk what it is im feeling, i mean is this all just stress? Or pressure? Stel ik me gwn aan? Moet ik nu gwn ff een moment pakken om te mediteren en niet te ver vooruit kijken, doorbikkelen, gwn alleen denken aan nu wat kan ik nu doen, ik bedoel ik weetttt wat ik allemaal kan doen om gwn door te gaan, but do i want to tho? Do i really wanna keep pushing through everytime, do i want life if its just numbness until an explosion, pushinh through to the numbness again etc etc. Like what is the point? Im just so confused, so sad, but also I know im still also grateful for so many things, like i can say happy shit and feel happy about that, but the overal consensus is just numb all the fk time, im so invested in what im suppósed to do and feel and i just dont know what im supposed to feel right now en weet al helemaal niet wat k echt voel

[veerlesthoughts]

Does anyone else feel this?

So everytime I watch a movie or series with a very well acted romance scene. And then I don’t mean any random kissing scene or sex scene, but you know those intense scenes where one of the characters is just longing so hard for the other. Well whenever I see one of those good scenes, I litterally feel like a sharp pain/good feeling in my stomach. People are always talking about butterflies, but for me it really doesn’t feel like butterflies... It can hurt so bad sometimes, but it is the only good pain I know. So weird, but I love the feeling and with that I love romance scenes :) 

Anyone else feeling this?

[quotefeeling]

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”

— Soren Kierkegaard (via perfectquote)

[veerlesthoughts]

Ooff, this one hits home...

I am sich a problem solber so I always tend to try to figure everything out and to fix my flaws and be the best that i can be... and of course that lead to enormous amounts of anxiety and always libing in the past and future and life flying by, without me noticing.

So some advice for me, but maybe also fpr you: live in the present. How are you feeling right now? What would you like to do right now? What does your body need? Can you make life at this very moment any better for yourself? (While writing this, I see that even the previous question is actually future thinking... man this is hard to overcome...) What are you enjoying about this moment?

Just as the famous quote from kungfu panda: The past is history, the future is a mystery, but right now is a gift, that is why it is called the present.

[veerlesthoughts]

Why is my automatic reaction when I am júst about to start some work for uni: “I need food.” 

That is so weird! 

[veerlesthoughts]

Why do we call making mistakes 'human'?

Like isn't that weird? Because I mean what creature or plant or thing in this world (universe) is perfect? What thing never makes mistakes? It's so weird to me. Like take a tree for example: it will spread thousands of seeds so that just a couple will grow to be other trees later. If mother nature had made the tree perfect wouldn't it just spread exactly the amount of seeds that it needed to to grow the amount of new trees desirable?

And yes I know that even the seeds that die in the ground will have a purpose. They will make the ground richer probably (I do not know any biology but u get my point), but that only means that mistakes have a purpose. And don't we always day that we have to learn from our mistakes? It's their purpose to teach you something?

Then I don't understand why we see mistakes as a negative thing. Or even ás a thing like it's different from anything else we do. It's weird men. And mostly it's weird to call it 'human' to make mistakes, cause it clearly ain't just humans making mistakes...

:)

[veerlesthoughts]

Questions of today

- Why do all my problems have not just one but 10 original causes. Like 10 major problems that are wrong with me. I can’t fix them all at once. And they all contribute to the failing that I do everyday. 

- Why do I always have to be the strong person? 

- Why does my mom go off on me and not on anybody else in this house? I am not the person who breaks everything, why give me a screaming about it? It makes me so sad. I wish I didn’t put walls and boundaries up everywhere just to protect myself, but on the otherhand I wouldn’t be alive without them. I have been hurt so many times when I didn’t have them. 

--> I’m not so tough - Ilse de Lange

- Why do I not share my feelings with my friends? Why do I find it so hard? Bc I already know what they’re gonna say? 

- Why am I the hated child, the child that can be fun, but mostly is just a pain in the ass? Why is he with all of his flaws still more likeable than I am? Where did I go wrong?  

--> How to save a life - the fray

- Why do I never feel anything? Why can I imagine what I should feel and act it out, but never truly feel? I can stop and start crying at any point just because I understand what I could be feeling, but the unstoppable crying I used to have or real sadness or real other feelings, where are they? I’m just flat. Altho the awful amount of guilt I felt after breaking moms couch was awful, but the feeling of not standing up for myself just for my moms sake is probably way worse. I can’t stand the fact that I cannot let myself be heard. It’s not fair. 

- Am I slowly losing my friends? And will anyone ever truly love me undoubtly? Without zoning in and out? Without a lot of words but never actions? Will anyone ever truly understand me? And love me for every part of me that I am? 

- Why do I love who I am and why do I care so much if other people love who I am? Why do I need approval of the fact that my personality is loveable/awesome/good/sweet/idk whatever? As long as I’m happy with it right? Only I got no-one to share all my ideas and jokes and music with. I wanna share it with someone who wants to listen.

- Why does no one listen? Am I that boring? Am I just not good enough? Do people see in how much pain I am? 

- Am I making everything about me, while I am not living that hard of a life? Basically am I making this bigger than it is? 

- Why is my automatic response that I am just blabbering about things that aren’t so big? I mean I am basically saying that my feelings aren’t important. I would NEVER tell my friends anything like that. I would do the exact opposite. 

- I mean I can go on and on, but I also really wanna sleep. Still hurts tho. 

[introvert-unicorn-deactivated20]

Aesthetically pleasing activities that you can start doing right now:

Grab a random book you have at home, read few pages and underline all the words or phrases that inspire you most , search for their meanings or use them to create your own poetry.

Fill out a gratitude list.

Set a daily reminder on your phone to drink water.

Practice belly breathing.

write down about your best self, who is she like ? and how can you move closer into being her ? when you’re done hang that paper you used in a place where you can see it daily.

Stretch for 15 minutes.

put on nice comfortable clothes.

Loose yourself into the internet archives https://archive.org/

Repeat after me, We deserve and still have time to be all the things we want to be! ( if necessary write it on a post it and keep it near you as a reminder.)

Start a recipes journal.

Start a Commonplace book , if you don’t know what that is let me explain  “it’s a notebook/book into which notable extracts from other works are copied for personal use. 

[depressionbound]

Does anyone else have the feeling. This weird feeling. Like all of 2020 you were like “ oh I’m probably gonna kill myself before the new year” and you didn’t and now your four days into the new year and you feel nothing. Your doing nothing. Your not crying. Your just wasting your time wondering what the fuck is wrong with you. And so far it all feels so unreal and sickening to still be alive. And you just have n o idea what the fuck is wrong with you.. you know you should be a crying mess but your just stuck.. in this state of nothingness. And it’s like you know your gonna get worse..your gonna break again. You’re just sitting there alone in your bed..wondering what the fuck is going on.. does anyone else have that feeling... or am I just really tired and really broken.

[veerlesthoughts]

Nope this has been me and I thought the numbness couldn't get worse, but apparently it can?... Like it hurts as fxckkkk, but I don't feel anything tho, I can barely cry

it hurts.

[worthless-misery]

Different year, same failure...

[veerlesthoughts]

Cannot for the life of me get this out of my headdddd, such a good song

[veerlesthoughts]

"Afoot and light-hearted, I take to the open road. Healthy, free, the world before me. The long brown path before me leading wherever I choose."

Gilbert Blythe to his father (Anne with an E)

[veerlesthoughts]

Billy: "Girls are so useless. Guess you should have stayed home, eh?" Anne: What is wrong with you? Billy: "Go home and bake cookies!" Gilbert: "Headline: they already did." Anne: This is Ruby's property or did you forget? Why don't you give me that hammer and I'll finish the job myself, if you're too busy being a bully to get it done?

Anne Shirley from Anne with an E