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vent me softly tags for posts will contain triggers

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the internet stresses me out

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the doctor says

must screen you for the immune of auto

the auto is immuning strangely

let's have a look under the hood

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"just go offline"

the online world is my escape because my real life world is uncomfortable. i am autistic and have sensory issues. i live near the highway. i live with a noisy bird. i need to have days off.

i want to one day move but i don't have the money to afford it right now. i'm studying. i want to leave my bedroom but the lights in the living room are so bright, it hurts. the bird yells constantly. i am stuck in my room. i want to leave the house but it's summertime and the sunlight is too bright. the highway is noisy. even in the bush, i can still hear the trucks and cars going.

"just go offline"

i wish i could.

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i am having a bad time

people keep dying or getting sick. my dog died yesterday and my friend's gran died. my uncle escaped from his nursing home care facility whatever (he just kinda walked out, escaped is an exaggeration) because of old age schizophrenia symptoms which are apparently a thing. a family friend has stage 4 cancer that he had no idea about apparently

my brain is hopped up on death and medical issues so my health anxiety is spiralling a bit. i saw this video about "you don't hate the american healthcare system enough" where they didn't catch this lady's breast cancer for over a decade. what if i have cancer? what if it's breast cancer? what if they don't catch it? what if i'm dying? how can i prevent it? is it my fault because i ate too many tim tams when i was a kid??????

thank u, brain, i hate it [sarcasm]

the anxiety is high and i'm swirling in a black pool of panic. did i eat too much saturated fat? will i die at 40 from heart disease? i brought my cholesterol down (so says my last blood test) but what if it's back up again because of the splurging over christmas? will it matter? i'm cycling indoors on a stationary bike but is that enough to stay fit? do i need to walk outside? but if i do that then my autism plays up because it's too bright and then my stress goes up and all that cortisol cAnT bE GoOD fOr mE!

take a breath in. take a breath out. am i going to die am i going to die am i going to die am i going to die

i am going to die. we all die. i can't control it. it sucks. my lifespan is limited like everyone's. i don't know when it will happen or the cause of death. i can't control it. it's uncertainty. i don't think there's an afterlife. i only have one chance.

the hard thing is when i was younger i wanted to die. i was so depressed, i really wanted to. but now i'm on antidepressants and i have so much to live for and i DONT WANT TO DIE. it terrifies me so much now.

we all die in the end. it's so fcking unfair. i am going to try to eat more vegetables. life is a gamble but i can try to stack the odds in my favour more. i cant fully control it. that SUCKS. but i can try to stack the odds.

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the weird thing is i have these breakdowns and then i lowkey forget i had them. like, apparently 4 days ago i didnt know who i was on this tumblr... bro, are you ok??

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i cant tell anyone

im trapped

i cant do anything

im fucking trapped

im stuck im stuck im stuck im stuck im stuck im stuck im stuck im stuck

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LET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUT

LET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUTLET ME OUT

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i feel like im going to explode

i cant do ANYTHING without my collective censoring me

I cant feel anything or say anything or do anything. LET ME THE FUCK OUT

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letting go of control is scary because i realise i never had it to begin with

where is the middle ground between body and brain? how much is a choice? how can i be accepting of both things i can't change and things i can change and what the difference is? how to give up control without giving up hope or responsibility?

is my life meaningful and is that an answerable question?

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there's a lot of things about the internet which are good and which are bad

pro is

easy access to information

con is

that information might be garbage

pro is

friends !

con is

they might be evil adults when you're just a kid and oh no

pro is

exploring identity

con is

is that really a good idea when your self is an empty bottomless pit?

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i set up an app limiter thing and i am scared about it because the internet is my escapism. i think i have to chase moderation tho because it's consuming my life-time. lifetime. ha i just realised why that word exists.

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is the world ending or am i just mentally ill and chronically online

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autism -> bullied in childhood -> chronic social anxiety pipeline is too real tbh