so my best friend wanted to fuck my ex boyfriend aka the love of my life, the only boy that i ever loved. It's okay, I'm not mad at her anymore, I've dealt with it. But the feelings are still here.
To start this, diary. I have to update you on something. There's a huge possibility I'm autistic. And all my friends and peers think the same. Even my mom. I'm getting a proper diagnosis soon. I'm not gonna go in extent on how they pick on me over it or whatever, this entry is not about that. With that in mind, i have my noise canceling headphones, as one does, and i use it all the time. The problem is that people like to take advantage of me with it, telling me to put it on so they can talk shit without me listing. Sometimes about me! WITH ME AT THE TABLE! I'm not stupid of course, so I always debated rather i wanted ro hear the conversation or not. If it's none of my business, then I blast the music and let them talk in peace. But if the conversation is about me??? I'm gonna fucking hear it, my headphones aren't that good at canceling noise without music on. I'm not stupid. The day it happened i hear my friends talking shit like "i have a problem, i always take interest in the boys she [me] likes" "be with him, she doesn't need to know" "no. this boy? she would kill me". I immediately thought they were talking about my ex boyfriend and was in chock. But I have a hard time processing audio sensory information so I gaslighted myself thinking It wasn't what I thought.... it was.
Ok, I started to notice that he wasn't talking with me with the frequency he once did. At first I didn't mind, he has he's own life and i don't expect him to talk 24/7. I don't want to talk 24/7. But it got to a point that he wasn't even responding my tweets. That wasn't weird untill I realized that he was commenting on all her posts and her in his. She was talking about him frequently. AND THEY NEVER USED TO BE FRIENDS. that was suspicious of course but again. I pretend it was nothing... It was
In school for some reason, I don't remember why, the topic of "is it ok to date your best friend's ex" came up and they both said it's not a problem for them, they are cool with it. I said I wasn't and that i don't think it's a cool thing to do. Which is completely okay to think. People think that you know. Suddenly I was trapped in a 1 hour long hypothetical debate about how I was selfish for thinking like that, creating scenarios where it looked like i was preventing a beautiful love story from happening. (Spoiler, i wasn't. They were just horny teenagers) I explained that i love him (which they both always knew), i explained that he was not only my boyfriend at the time of the rape but also literally MY COUSIN'S BEST FRIEND (he didn't know what his friend did to me at the time, don't blame him) i explained how, because of so many reasons, he was a person very special to me, someone that is engraved in me and i can't help it. That he was off limits. Someone that i love. But still IT WASN'T ENOUGH TO CONVINCE. they called me a hypocrite for demanding this when I didn't do what they asked of me (which was something I recognize i was wrong, and once I finally understood it, i apologized sincerely). Still i was called selfish and i wasn't understanding why. Why were they calling me a hypocrite comparing something that actually happened with a hypothetical scenario? And then they said it wasn't hypothetical. That she was flirting with him and wanted my blessings. And of course I panicked. My fears were right, my best friend really did that.. it hurt so much and i cried like a baby in the middle of the classroom. she reassured me that nothing had happened yet and that she wanted to tell me the truth bf anything.
I of course said no. I said I wasn't okay with it. i cried. I said I loved him. The whole story brought back bad feelings and i was feeling bad again. really bad.
Okay couple of days passed and i did the Enem, had a shit performance in it. But fine whatever. Didn't talk with almost nobody after it. I watched tiktoks, sent it to my friends and went to sleep. The morning the first think I get after I wake up is a call from my ex boyfriend and my best friend.. fine whatever. We chat a bit, complain about the entrance exam and our grades and i say I don't want to go to the beach (my friend wanted to go) bc i hate the beach (everyone that knows me knows that i hate hate hate the beach) chat a bit more and we all said goodbye. we had gone to the beach like two weeks ago btw. It attacks my sensory issues i HATE the beach, i literally feel sick in it. last time I almost drowned. The last time I went to the Beach with my parents was like 5 years ago. The only reason I go today, is bc my friend likes it and i want to please her and make her happy. But I can't go often, i makes me have meltdowns. So I said no. But okay, some hours later I receive a text about how incentive i am. I didn't understand why but ok again. we resolved the situation. She needed me bc she was sad over the exam and wanted to go out, but I had not realized that with the vague information she had given me on the call. So I said no bc i hate the beach. I apologized. She also highlighted the fact I didn't ask my other friend how her exam went. i had actually forgotten to ask bc i was too stressed out, spent the day helping my mom and then went to the doctor. I wanted to apologize too but my friend said she was pissed at me and she had blocked me. I was also pissed at her bc of the whole ex boyfriend thing (she was committed to prove i was wrong for feeling the way I felt and let my best friend fuck my ex) but I wanted to resolve it so everything could be okay. She doesn't want to talk to me anymore bc she doesn't recognize my apology from the day of the hypotheticals, and apparently me being mad at her for the way she dealt with the ex boyfriend situation was unacceptable.
Summarizing it. Once again autism has ruined my relationships. Thank you, it's been my whole life. My difficults in understanding what normal people take from granted has again and again made people around me loose their patience and get mad at me. It's always "it's not bc you're autistic" but the reasons they use to why they're mad are almost ALL autistic treats. And I'm saying that about not only the reasons they used today but also almost EVERYTIME they had criticized me bf. They say how difficult if is.. imagine for me that has to live with it? don't they think I wish I could be just normal? that i would be if I COULD BUT I CAN'T? i always miss on social cues and have to hear they saying how wrong i am. for breathing. I know I'm not right all the time, i know. But Jesus i'm not perfect, i have a disability. i didn't choose this. I didn't choose to be like this. I care for them SO MUCH but omg idk if someone needs me if they don't tell me they need me. I just don't know. I need them to tell so I can help. But I can't guess it.
I'm broken, a failure, a disgrace and I'm gonna end up alone some bc of this shit
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