my creations -

photography, handlettering and art -- feel free to use anything as long as you credit me -- theme by seyche -- reblog and I will love you forever

[shayminsh]

im grilling absolute cheese

[shayminsh]

[verygardenerstrawberry]

June

It does not feel quite so momentous as I feel it should

Not at all like reaching a mountain peak

More melancholy than triumphant 

I keep getting congratulations 

From people I don’t know

People who wouldn’t have been caught speaking to me the past years

Laden with flowers and certificates 

I attempt to embrace 

Strangers

Strangers I spent so much time existing next to

But never with

It’s hard to hug people when your arms are full

Is this somehow a metaphor?

How my preference for proficiency over partying 

Kept me apart from my classmates 

And now the symbols of my academic accomplishments 

Prevent me from being close to them 

Should I have tried harder?

Put my flowers down on a table?

I wasn’t bullied

Not really

But there was always a chair free between us

Not all of us

Over time

I moved closer to my physics classmates

Chair by chair

We weren’t friends

Not really

But I explained maths to them

And they gave me gummy bears

Is this growing up?

Finding that

Middle ground between

Friends

And strangers 

[verygardenerstrawberry]

Le superflu, chose si nécessaire

[verygardenerstrawberry]

In the spirit of pride month I present: the frankly ungodly number of star jars that decorate my bookshelves

[verygardenerstrawberry]

May

Bare feet in the garden

Spin across the grass

It is the fourth of may

Sandals walk the path

Down to the shore

Past the apple

Orchard, the trees look almost bare

White petals stark against dark bark

The trees across the canal heavy

With green

A breeze caresses my cheeks 

Geese cross the sky

And a dove cries

And a heron flies

I join the choir

sing again 

For the first time

In a long time

Singing was always my favourite part of your worship

I think of grace

balance across a log

slip off my sandals

Step into the water

It is cold

I am alive

The waves lap my ankles

The after effects of ships long past

I am alive

I look into the sky

Someday I will believe in you again

I am sure of it

But for now

The sun warming my face

is the only god I need

[verygardenerstrawberry]

April

It’s April now

The sixth

Went to the forest today

First new leaves on trees

While the old ones still lie on the ground

Feeding their descendants 

The sun shines through the branches still empty

Falcons fly through the trees

Three as I count

I can’t wait until the days are warm and I can dance

barefoot across the grass and my heart

soaring high like the falcons

Three as I counted

I have no one to dance with yet

So for now I spin across the paths alone

Smell the flowers

And breathe the air

The trees in the garden I visit have almost finished blooming 

I missed them last year as well

I might never visit again in the spring

Might never see them in full bloom

What bloom will I see next spring?

I lean against a column

legs spread carelessly in the sun

listen to the birds sing 

and feel a love bubbling within me

Is this teenagehood?

Dancing across palace steps

A blue sky my only witness

Suddenly 

filled with

Hope for the future

We have lemons back home

I’ll make lemon pasta with them tomorrow 

And if there’s juice left over 

I’ll make lemonade

[verygardenerstrawberry]

March

It’s mid march

well, late mid march

I don’t really know 

I’m sitting by the canal

Watching the sun set

Listening to the birds 

In the sky and the water

My friend told me last friday that the birdsong at dusk is called the evening choir

So I listen in silence to their compositions

I always sit here

In the same plastic chair

(who placed it here? do they still come?)

looking at the same trees

reflected the same way in the water

one tree fallen into the canal

A branch curving

Reflected 

Like a tuning fork

are the birds the same too?

The sky looks different 

Somehow

I’ve been here at dusk before

But the sky always looks different 

Last time I was here it was dawn

The sky was orange

Today it is pink 

I’m afraid of swans

My phone reminded me what happened a year ago today

I remember it clearly 

But I swear it was longer ago

Everything was different then

The sky looked the same 

Pink

I sent my friend a message

I want to see her response but I am afraid of it

I agonised over it for nearly an hour

I want her to like me so bad

Even though we’ll never see each other again after this summer

Why is talking to people so hard? 

I used to be so good at it

I used to be so good at so many things 

And now I’m not

I’m good at other things 

But somehow I still feel sad

A heron just flew by

Were those sparrows?

I am grieving for something intangible 

Is this teenagehood?

I’m jealous of someone for the first time

It feels unfair

I wish my friend all the happiness in the world

And yet I wish her boyfriend would just go away

Is this teenagehood?

I wanted to get away from my thoughts

And so here I sit

Watching a heron fly in circles 

Once

Twice 

Thrice

It’s gone now

I’m not a philosopher

I’m not a poet

I don’t have any wisdom to share

But I still want to share my thoughts

Is that okay?

I’m not afraid of the future

I feel a sort of nameless melancholy 

Is this teenagehood?

I wouldn’t know

Everyone says teenagehood is drinking and staying up late and having your first kiss

No one says it’s sitting by the canal

Thinking about how slowly trees grow

And wondering 

If they’ll look the same the next time

[verygardenerstrawberry]

February

It’s the last day of February 

A tuesday

I am nursing a hot chocolate 

With whipped cream

Met up with my friends

I haven’t known them long

But they immediately felt like home

Something magical must happen in that summer

People from university are so amazing

How can they be so much kinder than people from school?

I hope it happens to me too

I want so badly to be like them

I ate breakfast today

I’ve been eating breakfast lots lately

It’s a good thing but often it feels bad

I don’t like being hungry

But I know it’s good I am

Learning that good things can feel bad is hard

Is it part of that magical thing?

Is that growing up?

After we finished our hot chocolate 

we went to the park

my friends are historians

so they told me all about the people that used to live in the palaces

My father is an astrophysicist 

So I told them the names of the planets in the sky

High above the trees

and reflected in the water

It was a beautiful night

Last year I was here with different friends

I was so different then

We were so different then

the park is the same

statues still in their winter boxes

What will I be like in a year?

Will the me now be so foreign

As the me from a year ago?

[verygardenerstrawberry]

New Year

It is the first few minutes of the new year

It is dreadfully warm

I am standing in a park by my friend’s friend’s house watching

the fireworks

everyone i am celebrating with is here with their significant other

and they kissed at midnight

and professed their plans to have the best year together

and I watched

And ached

and then my friend hugged me

we both hate phone calls 

but we promised

to call each other every week when we’re at university in different cities

her friend said it that was the most romantic thing she’d heard

we laughed

and I felt loved

But the ache remained

It seemed so a momentous occasion 

The future so near we could grasp it

The present already in the past

Only real in promises

Made on swings

[verygardenerstrawberry]

flowers spilling across church steps

[verygardenerstrawberry]

monochrome.

[verygardenerstrawberry]

city appreciation post

[verygardenerstrawberry]

I haven’t posted here in ages, is anyone actually interested in seeing any photos?

[verygardenerstrawberry]

[verygardenerstrawberry]

[verygardenerstrawberry]

Germany - - - > Iceland

[verygardenerstrawberry]

Iceland - - - > Canada

[verygardenerstrawberry]

Germany - - - > Iceland