I Also Posted This On My Wattpad, But I feel Like It Should Be Here Too, In Particular, The Ending
This post is a mess. You've been warned. It's also super short because I can't focus. Thus, I can't get words down or if I can, it's the wrong ones.
I'm debating moving the paragraphs to a different side every time I lose track of what I want to say, but I do that in the middle of words, so it'd be too hard for you guys to read this. Instead, I'm just moving then around how I like to.
I don't usually just post to complain, but I have actual content to talk about too, so that means I'm allowed to annoy you with this. I hope. If I'm being bothersome, I can not post this kind of stuff, but I promise your regularly scheduled late night posts will return soon.
So, apparently Forensics Camp is a thing that the team does every single year. Once a year. It goes for a week, from Monday to Friday, and it is a way for us to work on our pieces and get ready for the upcoming competition year before it starts. At least I think so. I have no clue, this is my first year being on the team over the summer. At the end of September I will have been a part of the team for one year, and I'm super excited about that.
I do black book events, so I carry my piece in a small black binder. It's required to be a certain way and the good ones cost $15-$20. I have one. I needed three for my junior year. Brooke, who just graduated and was a black book competitor came to camp today and gave me her old binders and page protectors and I'm just so thankful.
It's dumb, but it means so much to me.
The team went to Sonic for lunch and I luckily had cash so I got some food and a milkshake, which was nice. I don't know if my brain was trying to warn me ahead of time that I would crash really badly or not, but I was craving ice cream, so the milkshake was nice.
I crashed really bad a little while ago and it kinda sucks.
I was doing so well too. I had like an hour yesterday that I didn't feel awesome, but that was just being tired and I've felt great the last few days.
My friend Clémence came over on Friday and she just left Sunday. We texted until like three am last night and then we both went to bed.
I was even being healthy too. I got up at like five thirty for camp and got ready. I looked cute. I'm sure of that.
( And I'm really trying to be positive and ignore everything I can't help thinking otherwise.)
I can't focus and it's so annoying. I was trying run my forensics piece and had music on. I couldn't focus so I turned it off but I still can't.
I probably should be journaling. I have a nice one that Oli bought me that I use and it helps, but I really don't want to even though I know it'll help.
And my dad's upset because I didn't eat much for dinner. I wasn't hungry. And I really wasn't. That's not me being restrictive if you guys are worried, I haven't done that in a few years. I like food too much and have found healthier ways to improve my body. But I didn't eat much dinner.
I hadn't noticed yet, but I was already crashing.
I'm really hoping that since it came on so fast, it'll go away soon, but I don't know.
I need to feel less awful by tomorrow morning for camp. Or just hope no one notices something is up because I'm supposed to be bubbly and all upbeat and stuff.
But not wanting to leave my bed make being all happy and upbeat a lot harder.
I'm probably going to take a shower in a little bit and hope that helps. Probably.
I also have stuff I have to do at 19:30. It's 19:25 now. So I need to wrap this up so I can do the other stuff.
Or. Better plan. I don't. I just do the other stuff and then come back to this.
I just noticed that I still have a vase of flowers on my bookshelf. The flowers are long past dead and I'm sure if I would have poked them they recreate the end of Infinity War. But I don't want to get rid of them. I got them in April, and that was the last time somebody got me flowers. And that was for Romeo and Juliet. And they made me happy. They still do. But nobody's gotten me any flowers or anything like that since then, so I don't want to move the flowers them away because then I won't have them anymore. I don't like not having things that make me happy and feel good. Not that I don't have good things, I have a bunch of geeky stuff that I love. I have a lot of things that other people would be lucky to have, and I am lucky that I have them, but still. I don't know if it needs to be a competition or if it needs to be a reminder that I have no reason to feel like this.
Because it's not a competition.
That's not how things work.
It's 19:30, so I have to go do stuff. I'll be back in a couple of minutes ( zero time for you guys) but until then, enjoy the instrumentals from Sherlock and Doctor Who that I have playing in the background because I can't focus with music but silence makes me anxious.
Billionaires can feel this way, and people who make no money at all may be the happiest people in the world.
And people with their parents divorced can be super happy, or people with both parents together and a nice family can suffer sometimes.
Hurting doesn't discriminate.
Someone told me that acknowledging how I'm feeling might help me feel better, and I think it does, but I also think putting it here does too.
Because in the summer before seventh grade, the last time it was this bad, a full four years ago, I would have loved to see someone on the internet who felt the way I did and wasn't afraid to talk about it. And maybe there's someone like that.
Someone who doesn't understand "peaks and valleys" , someone stuck in a valley that doesn't seem to peak anytime soon.
And I want to be the person I needed then. So I will be.
Yes, I could put this whole thing on paper in a journal, but if I did, I wouldn't be helping people in the way I needed it so long ago. And if someone else could benefit from how open I am about this, than that means it's worth it.
That's it. I'm sorry for complaining. Thank you for listening.
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