Stay Beautiful

I'm Nicole. This is a place for me to express myself. Please know that everything I write here is strictly my own opinion and completely generalized. If you do not agree with what I have to say, you have to power to take your own opinion somewhere else. Feel free to ask me any questions. I'm here for anyone. Stay Beautiful.

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When did my life get so depressing?

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I hate living here.

I hate living in a place where everyone is so set in their ways that if you deviate from them, even a little, you will be cut off. I hate so much that your whole life depends on what you decide after only 18 years of life. This society is so contradicting. We are told that we have to "try our best in school" and make "responsible, adult decisions" because what we do now makes or breaks us in the future. So then we do that. After 18 years of life, we have gotten an idea of who we are, what we want, enjoy, fear, dislike, prefer, love, so we decide "hey, I think the best thing for me to do is this. I know it's a little different from the norm, but I think it is the most efficient and productive thing to do that suits my preferences". And people respond with "No". No, you are a child, you couldn't possibly understand the complexities of independence and deciding things for your own good. You are only asked to make these decisions to give you the illusion of freedom, when, in reality, you are expected to behave and choose exactly what we tell you and if you don't comply, your contributing place in this society will be short-lived.

Oh.

After only 18 years of living on this Earth where everyone telling you what you 'should' be doing already has, what 20 years on you? 30? 50? Of course the decisions you make are going to be different than what these people want. They know more than you. They've experience life in places you never have. Of course your opinions will be different. It wouldn't make sense if they did. So why is it your job as a fetus, really, to choose something you have no idea about. Wouldn't it make more sense to live and experience life in different places and cultures and languages and eras and stories? I cannot fathom why we let society choose what we do with our lives.

I have no idea what I want. No clue. How does putting me in a classroom full of people I don't like, lecturing me on something I might not need, telling me what I have to remember to pass a test to pass a class to get a credit only to forget what I had learned because it means absolutely nothing to me teach me anything. Learning things and being taught things is only ever productive if it means something to you. Going and living life in other places and gathering knowledge through your own seeking is meaningful. It is the most meaningful thing in this world. So why aren't we taught that way? Why are we expected to choose something meaningful to do with our lives at such an early age if we've never experience something meaningful truly is?

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Sometimes I don't understand why I have friends. Like, what do they see in me?

I'm not pretty. But I'm not horribly unattractive.

I'm not fat. But I have enough weight on me that says I could lose some.

I'm not very intelligent. But my brain isn't completely dead.

I have no particular talents. Though I am average at things I try.

I'm not good in social situations. But I can hold a conversation.

I'm almost always a second choice when it comes to relationships. I'm usually the one turning people down.

I could be easily replaced by someone better at all those things, yet I'm not. What makes people stay?

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My 100th post! :)

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I may seem like a happy person-- I laugh a lot, I appreciate so many things, I love a lot a little things, I smile all too often-- but I'm not. I'm not happy. As much as I want to be, I'm not. When I'm alone, or listening to music, or have completely zoned everyone out, that's when I realize how unhappy I am.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about life. Everyone keeps telling what's important and that if I don't do certain things, I'll never be successful or happy. Well I'm not happy now and I don't know how to be. No matter what college I go to, no matter what I major in, no matter what I decide to do for the rest of my life, I'm going to live then die and that's it. How do I figure out what is actually important and not just what society deems as important?

I've never thought about ending my life, though. Ever. Even now, with all my unhappiness, I still want to live. I still would choose life if the decision had to be made. I don't know why, though. What's keeping me from wanting to leave? I believe that maybe I have to find out what that thing is, the thing that's keeping me alive, and then I can be truly happy.

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It upsets me when people say that you are a slut or a whore if you wear provocative clothing or a lot of make-up. I personally do not agree with that choice but it isn’t my choice to make. People can be so ignorant. How you dress does not define who you are. How you act does. And if you’re going to be hypocritical in that you tell people to not be afraid to be themselves and then go and shame them for doing just that, than that is who you choose to be. No one has the right to judge someone based on an image. I don’t have the right either. I’m not judging you based on an assumption, I’m judging you based on your lack of knowledge and how your closed mind interferes with your thought process. How you decide to pass judgements without completely thinking it through. And though we’re both entitled to our opinions, I can back mine up with evidence and logic whereas you have no foundation whatsoever. Think before you speak.

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I think there’s something wrong with me. I have no concept of time whatsoever. Everyone always worries about doing certain things at certain times and if those things are not done precisely at those times it’s the end of the world. It’s really upsetting to me that the world revolves around time. People can’t function without constantly knowing what time it is. Personally, I’m always late or I never complete certain tasks by a certain time because it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. The only reason I follow a timed schedule is because everyone else does. If people didn’t worry about completing small tasks that could be done at any time during a day, then no one would have to worry about wasting time. I just don’t appreciate how society gives us a way to live without letting us choose. If people didn’t worry so much about small problems that can easily be fixed, we’d have more opportunities to fix the big problems.

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I really hate how a person’s success is measured by what college they go to, what job they have, what clothes they wear, and how many friends they have because the fact of the matter is, everyone is going to die eventually and half of us are never going to amount to anything. By the time we are in our graves, we are not going to be thankful for what we college went to, or how many friends we thought we had. We’re going to be thankful for all the things in our lives that made us happy. That may sound pessimistic, but it’s the cold hard truth. In the big picture, our lives are insignificant. The universe will still go on no matter what we choose to do with our lives. Whether we went to school, got a certain amount of money, or did something with our lives that society deems successful. It’s sad that we are conditioned to believe that you have to have a certain amount of “success” in order to be happy. Who is anyone to tell us what we need to do in order to be happy. I would be perfectly fine with going to coffee shops and reading books and learning about different cultures and meeting people who can teach me things that will make me happy. People will argue that you have to work with what you have, try your best at everything so that when you meet your end, you will be happy. But how do they know that you are going to be happy if everyone only does what is socially accepted. I feel like I’m going nowhere in my life because I am not good enough to meet society’s expectations. And people will say that you can’t blame society because we are society, but the last time I checked, I can’t think for everyone else in the culture, or the world. We are all perfectly capable of thinking for ourselves but we let ignorant people think for us. We choose the absolute worst people as models of society to demonstrate what is “normal”. How the hell does anyone know what normal or success is if no one has ever achieved it? I’m beginning to wonder whether or not people are just setting us up to fail. Making our lives miserable while we have them because it doesn’t matter what we do anyway. Your life is just as insignificant as the person’s next to you. As any other person’s in the world. And that’s a really scary thought.

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It’s really staggering to me how it’s practically impossible to be in a perfectly platonic relationship with the opposite sex (or with whomever you are attracted to). Like, if you don’t like someone who likes you, then you can’t be just friends. They are now (the infamous term) “friend-zoned” which apparently gives the said person who likes you the liberty to be upset with you because you, in fact, cannot return their sentiment. The last time time I checked, you don’t owe anyone anything. You are not obligated to feel a certain way towards someone who may or may not really feel that way toward you. Obviously, if they can’t deal with rejection and a nonsexual relationship with the person they “liked”, then I’m not so sure that’s actually how they felt in the first place. So check your privilege. You. Do. Not. Owe. Anyone. Anything.

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I’m really sad because I thought we could’ve been really good friends but you’re just being selfish

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The ignorance of the people I am surrounded by on a daily basis is really quite astounding.

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I love discussing controversial topics with people who know how to back up their opinion with evidence and logic while still being able to understand the adverse viewpoint.

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It really sucks when you know you can't get through to someone. That they are just going through so much that even the gentle words of a close friend can't help. For me, I so badly want to understand people, to help people. But you can only help someone as much as they will let you. As hard as you may try, it is really at their discretion that your words will impact. There are so many places in the mind that people can hide. Places no one else has ever been to and no one else will ever see. It really puts into perspective how insignificant a person is.

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Sometimes it really scares me, the mannerisms of humans. How everyone has lived their own seperate lives apart from everyone else. How you can walk by a complete stranger and never see them again, not knowing anything about them, when in reality so many things could be happening to that one person. So many things that you aren't apart of. It's just strange to think about how much you really don't know eveything about any one person. There is always going to be that part of them that no one in the world knows. And that we all have that piece of us somewhere deep inside us. That's what makes us human, I guess.

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Yaaay!

I'm so happy to have finally made this. I've been thinking about it for a long time but have never gotten around to it. It'll be nice. :b