April 19
4/20 in New York, and I’m okay with that. Everything is turning green and my feet have been dancing for a week. Now the temperature just needs to go up... So I’m still sick. Dunno if the stomach issues are the last bits of this cold or if I’m eating wrong but I really hope it all goes away. I want to move! I have perfectly capable arms and legs! I’m so f-u-c-k-i-n-g r-e-s-t-l-e-s-s!
I think I’m restless about a lot of things. And I know I can be a very impatient person. I can be irrational and narcissistic too. But I’m also trying to find peace-- the journey has slowed me down a little bit more; I work through my moods and impulses. Overall, it’s given me a better vibe and made me more mindful and accepting. I look at the lovely details more, instead of being pissed/annoyed about singular things. Which is really bad when I aim that at Fawkes-- he is so much bigger than my moody ass mind sometimes makes him out to be. I feel so blessed to know him when I see through reality’s lenses even for a second, and I forget this so often. So I guess all in all, I’m headed in a good direction, but I still have my bad days. I think I get more negative and feverish when I’m stuck inside because it’s cold or I’m sick. Which has been the last few days. But I don’t want my happiness/balance to rely on sunshine and health! Life happens! I guess I’m still working on this. I want Fawkes to have confidence and health. My goal for us both is that we find friends (even if they’re just in-work friends) at Starbucks, and for us to spend some time making money and focusing on something other than our normal life. I’m hoping that working with Tito, someone who actually likes and respects him, will be good for Fawkes’ confidence and self esteem. People (including myself) have been so shit to Fawkes. I’m hoping that we will start to feel better as the weather gets warmer and that maybe we can work out/get strong and feel sexy for ourselves and each other. I also want to start playing music outright and go on walks almost nightly. I hope by next year we will have gained enough identity to jump into other things-- it would be so awesome for Fawkes to coach little kids. I think he would love nature hikes, too, even if we have to take a ton of Aleve. I also think he might need a dog. Pending on that one.
I really want us to work out. I really want us to be functioning individuals and an even better team. I think we are headed in the right direction. I think my mind is headed in the right direction. So to avoid hypocrisy, I swear that I will meditate on everything that I say and do to Fawkes, so not to let my impatience or moodiness get the best of my capability to love him. I am only heading in the direction of bettering myself, my mind, my thoughts, my love, my patience. -V
