vicky shitposts

i need a private place to speak my thoughts. preferably where nobody knows me. this is that place

[vicky-shitposts]

March 23rd 2021,

Sigh. Yesterday was quite weird, and frankly, I think I started this written project a little too late. Scrollings on various social media platforms told me that yesterday, March 23rd, was the 1 year anniversary of the UK going into lockdown. I think it's quite stupid to say that where I am now is so different to where I was a year ago, because it's the same for all of us. I don't think a single person in this world hasn't been affected by the last year. We've been stuck in doors predominantly for almost a whole 365 days. There are shops in my local high street that have closed down permanently, the same high street I would often walk down weekly with my friends. Now I haven't spent time with a friend properly since December 9th, and even then there was a taboo to hug her.

I remember sitting with Ellie on the field opposite my house and forming the "locked down lasses" Facebook group chat with her, Georgia and Rachel a year ago; two of them are now not a part of our lives. Lockdown set in officially two days before my 20th birthday, just after I was finally experiencing the fabled British club scene. I spent New Years Day in a club for the first time with my three closest friends, and loved it so much I wanted to celebrate turning 20 the same way. After having a traumatic 18th birthday and a semi decent 19th, I said that my 20th would be the last chance at having a good and memorable birthday. Me and Ellie planned it, and were looking forward to drinking in another year for me until the Wuhan Flu took over and shut down the world. It feels rather selfish of me to be so upset over that, but I hope you can understand my point of view.

When lockdown one did start in Britain, we did not anticipate it to last this long. Quite frankly, it's bizarre that it has gone on for this long. By this point I know that I'm sick and tired of it all, and just wish I could spend time with my friends and hug them all again. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I could just spend time with at least one of them in person. While I may be that vampire bitch who wants to run away to a castle in the mountains, it's got to the point I just hate being cooped up at home. I think I'm just personally tired and exhausted by everything at this point. It's even got to the stage where I hardly talk to my "inner circle" of friends from fear of being repetitive, or just not having anything to say or energy to speak. Now we just live the same day all over and over and over again. It's getting boring, and I just want to be inoculated so I can see and squeeze my friends again.

I think the only real landmark thing that's happened in the last year is starting my college course in September. While I may have been in two minds about it recently, I blame lockdown exhaustion and general depression for that. There's obviously the fact that I lost a few friends who I miss dearly and think about all the time as well: Georgia, Megan, Rachel and Maddie. Thankfully I have my college class and Phoebe now, but it doesn't stop me from missing them at all - as you can probably tell from how much I write about them here. The amount of new films I have seen and shows I have binged watched is ungodly. Oh, and I somehow managed to record and release an album in two months and a day. Maybe that's my second biggest achievement from the last year behind starting college? And I'm back in the swing of counselling too, but I don't think that's going to last very long.

The world just seems so stagnant and personally, I am really struggling to get through. My thoughts and attitudes have really not been the best recently, and through the course of the past year they've done nothing but deteriorate more and more. I haven't tried to kill myself though, so I guess that's a silver lining? What I do know is that as soon as the world is safe again, I'm going to go to new places as much as I can. Most of the time by myself probably, but that's okay. I think if lockdown has taught me anything, it's that I'm destined to be alone. Standing in museums, drinking a latte, admiring the sky all by myself. But if somebody wants to prove me wrong then of course I'll let them. I just hope it doesn't end in disappointment or pain like the rest.

[vicky-shitposts]

March 22nd 2021,

"Let me be brave" - Clara Oswald.

I have decided to be brave and try and go back to college today. For the majority of yesterday I was mentally psyching myself up, mentally getting ready. Four of my classmates also messaged me and were talking to me about a variety of things, but mostly just asking about what was holding me back from being in class. But hearing so many people missed me and were always asking how I was, it did something to me. It kind of made me feel bad if anything, like I was betraying them or they were putting in effort while I was just giving them nothing back. So I guess it's time to give something back. Plus the college building has a library now, and I'm a whore for books and words so I need to witness this with my own two eyes. Hopefully I can find a book there that'll have something to do with mental health through the years to help me out with the research project I have to do and have totally lost motivation for. Updates as they come.

I keep listening to stuff that makes me feel like a boss ass bitch. That's my strategy because really, I'm a ball of nerves and will probably have some kind of breakdown if anything at all goes wrong. So I need to keep reminding myself: I am Barbara Kean, I am Patsy Stone and I am Withnail. I can do this.

From henceforth I wish to be called Queen Vicky. Not because I'm full of myself, but because I am alternatively queen of overthinking. Imagine having a panic attack at 2 am over something that later proved to be absolutely fine. How mad, bizarre and pathetic of me! But to be honest, who was I to know? Being back at college today was the loveliest and I am beyond happy with and proud of myself that I did go in. Finally I was reunited with my peers and the little close nit group I have too. Sitting with actual people and talking about actual things was amazing. I even got a hug - in the middle of a pandemic, yes - but I deserved it; no politician or doctor has the right to tell me otherwise. I even managed to get out a book from the library and get a head start on the second part of my research project I previously said I was ready to entirely abandon; no wonder Zoe is convinced I have bipolar, a matter I too believe and intend on looking into.

But first day back at college? Completed it mate. I rewarded myself with a chocolate bar, Amelia was kind enough to buy me a latte and now I'm listening to Morning Phase - Beck on shuffle while we drive home. What's more is Annabel from Gender Free Diet, the lovely enby who recently interviewed me, has got back to me and said they "really like the idea of having an exclusive track on the site". Okay Google, play Wow by Beck. That's all I really have to say. Today has been like WOW, with the luminous moose!

[vicky-shitposts]

March 21st 2021,

The amount of acid I've put in my body lately is shocking, it's a wonder I'm not dead. It's quite upsetting that I'm not actually darling. Seeing as my next counselling session is the day before my birthiversary, it turns out God's gift to me this year seems to be a second dose of talking about my shit show of a life. Recently I have made my greatest invention yet; hard to believe but yes, something even better than Flap Time. Coleslaw wrap. Absolutely delicious darling, and I had two for breakfast with a pink Monster and some ready salted crisps. It was either go to sleep at 6 am and sleep through the day or fuel my pathetic veins with caffeine in a desperate attempt to survive another sabbath. It's okay, I watched more Ab Fab as I scoffed which made life a little more bearable. I hope to finish series two again today, maybe even try and catch up on the history lesson I missed for the new one tomorrow.

Feel kind of proud of myself that I braved recording some guitar for a new song, and I think it turned out quite well. There's a little bit of Beck in the bass and Emma Blackery in the guitar. Gunna try and fob it off to a few friends later so they can tell me how much of a shit job I have or haven't done. This is the second song this week I've made strides on as part of my next album, and I've tried to incorporate something a little different into it; if they come back and say it sounds okay and it works then it'll be full steam ahead and VLM#2 will hopefully be done a lot quicker than I thought it would be. I'm not holding my breath for the Vicky Leigh Cinematic Universe I've been planning and writing to go alongside the album(s), but obviously I wouldn't say no if the possibility arose. Just need this Covid shit to bugger off so I can get some willing subjects to get together and commit to film.

Yesterday I also discovered Ellie has decided to also cut ties with Rachel and Georgia, which makes me feel a little better about everything. A lot of the time when I'm awake at 3 am feeling depressed as sin, I lay there wondering how they both are and want to ask Ellie. But I have finally found out the answer. She doesn't know because they don't make an effort with her anymore. I told her it's kind of reassuring to know I'm not the only one they gave the cold shoulder to. When Ellie said "it's okay cus I have you" I could have cried (yes, bad bitches are allowed to cry too) because it really meant a lot. I can't wait to be sipping an overpriced latte with her while breathing in second hand smoke. That's how it was and how I long for it to be again. By this point, after all the shit we've been through, I think me and Ellie have a relationship that's indestructible.

I've been thinking about some real fucked up shit lately. I think working on a song last night might have been my way of getting that out of my system. While recording I was talking to Zoe about it, and said how way back when I would cut myself to let out all of my anger and rage and sadness. For years I've found it easier to bleed than cry. But the past few years I've distanced myself and instead turned almost every thought, feeling and emotion into a song instead. I've noticed that I press myself down so so much, thinking about the likes of my mother crying over my dead body or all of my blood gushing from my veins, and then slowly build myself back up too. As much as I want those things, it makes me feel sick when I picture it and I know I can't ever do it. I have far too many connections to leave behind with a box of pain and grief at their doorstep. It's not that I'm doing this for me, I'm doing it for them; and by doing this I mean continuing to live my life. It's funny how in a matter of days I went from "oh my god I was supposed to be dead today" to "I wish death would come and get me". But I'm trying to work my way back up. Then I just have to wait for the inevitable next crash and do it all over again.

Had a great first review of the song I sent out. Thumb said they were bopping along to it and that they liked when the guitar part came in, and their boyfriend said he thought it was really chill sounding despite the lyrical content. I think I must have pulled off some kind of depression fuelled insomniac miracle. If the next few people say the same then we must be onto some kind of winner. Now onto another can of lifeblood and a new Ab Fab episode while I wait for mother to leave the bathroom so I can piss out some toxic waste darling. A little while later and I got a great reaction from Zoe too. She said she doesn't know why I don't make more songs with guitar in, and that the electronics and the guitar both co-exist together in the song. I think that was the best compliment from it, because I want to take a more "organic" approach by having your normal bass, drums, guitar and vox as the crux of the song. Then having electronics at atmospherics built around it. Kind of like electronic rock.

[vicky-shitposts]

March 19th 2021,

I wish I had somebody to be sad with, to sit beside me. I feel like things are slipping again. It's got to that difficult part where I'm just getting so behind and losing so much motivation. I would rather lay in bed and waste away than do any kind of work. Whereas before I would look forward to a big assignment, now I dread them. I feel so lost and disconnected from everything, and also really guilty for being surrounded by so many material things that I just can't connect with at present. "Modern Guilt won't get me to bed / Don't know what I've done but I feel afraid". I've been listening to a lot of Beck recently. He seems to be the only one who can null this kind of hopelessness and pain.

Don't Leave Me On My Own: a playlist of the Beck songs I've had on repeat and listened to most recently, a sequel to the My Breathing playlist I made a little while back.

Earlier today I was watching Beck performing Waking Light and all I could think about was slow dancing to it, or the entire Morning Phase album. One thing that I have wanted to do most since I was 16 is slow dance with somebody. When I was with a girl called Amy, I really wanted to slow dance to A Change Of Heart - The 1975 with her, but we never did. I don't know why I'm longing for such levels of intimacy all of a sudden.

[vicky-shitposts]

March 17th 2021,

Last night I discovered a new Beck song for the first time and they really hit me hard: "It's only lies that I'm living, it's only tears that I'm crying, it's only you that I'm losing, guess I'm doing fine". I can associate one thing or one person with each of those three statements, and I guess I'm doing fine. But that's an obvious and constant lie to myself. I then couldn't sleep and fell asleep listening to Hyperspace 2020 while hugging my pillow (yet again). Didn't have anyone in mind as to who I wished it to be. My head was empty. I just wished for it to be somebody, you know?

Woke up in dread. I hadn't read any of Othello due to *mental illness*, but was deathly scared my lecturer would pick on me to contribute and I wouldn't have anything. I spent the first half an hour rehearsing "I'm sorry that I didn't read any, I've just been too mentally ill to function" in my head... only for her not to call on me. But it's okay, I didn't speak for the entire lesson until the last half hour. I was just existing and couldn't concentrate; it was like things were going in one ear and then out of the other, barely any acknowledgement between them. Sociology in the afternoon seemingly passed a lot lot faster, which is really surprising. English is my favourite but today it dragged? I did spend most of sociology furiously googling any and everything related to Beck while listening to class - it felt like I had a podcast on in the background. I did contribute a bit more in sociology but had my camera off the whole lesson. I didn't want to be perceived.

This afternoon I watched some Ab Fab at lunch, The Circle this evening, and called both Lyndon and Mike after my dinner. I was supposed to listen to a whole album of Beck B-sides but the day escaped me - oh, I had a shower too! - so I just existed a little bit. I went to Home Bargains to get some toiletries and there was a cute girl at the checkout in front of me, and we made eye contact three times. I watched her walk out (in a non stalker way, thank you very much.) to see if she was going to wait for me to talk to me. I hoped but none came to fruition sadly. But that's probably for the best. I don't want to get involved and I'm struggling with myself. But part of me does lay in bed of a night wishing I had a caring and understanding girlfriend to come and help me and encourage me to get better.

After remembering I wanted to be a teacher last night, Zoe put some stuff in perspective and I realised I am in no fit mental state to do so. But I don't know how to get better, or even if there's anything that can help/fix me. I have a very close friend who's on medication for their frail state of mind and they still have episodes and message me when they don't feel so good. If medicine doesn't help them, how is it supposed to help me? I'm a broken machine beyond repair; that's how I feel at least.

On the brighter side, and if there is one then I don't think this constitutes it, I have been thinking some more about my music. I'm not ready to officially pass into 2nd album territory yet, but I have been thinking about the covers I hope to release later this year. I may finally have the B-side partially planned for one of them, the one I'm super excited to try to record, and have thought of another two songs to cover. In total I want to release 8 song covers, all for free and all exclusively on my SoundCloud collectively as a cover series. I have the single cover ready for the one I'm most excited for and have a music video idea too, but no clue if ever I could realize it fully how I envision it. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!

Side note: a week to my birthiversary and I'm not looking forward to it one bit. Except for ignoring my phone and getting drunk while I watch Withnail & I.

[vicky-shitposts]

17th March 2021,

I had my first counselling session today. She said that I'm funny, I almost ended up crying because of everything I was talking about, and she said she felt uncomfortable but in an empathic way. It was like I told my life story in 50 minutes, but I also got the validation I needed. She told me there's a lot going on in my life, and there is, it never stops. I also got to see Phoebe actually in real life today, the first friend I've seen since December 9th last year. I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't see their gorgeous face, but they're real!! They aren't just a figure of my imagination and I could have stood there forever talking to them. Sucks that I couldn't give them a hug, but it's all the more reason to see them again (which I hope is sooner than later). I started watching Ab Fab again today, watched an hour and a half of One Foot In The Grave with mum and had three energy drinks today. I haven't ever had three in a day before but I have lived to tell the tale. I also remembered that the whole reason I started my access to humanities course was to go into teaching. I have been there since September and now, in March, I have only just remembered. But it wasn't enough to motivate me to "do work" or "get better". There's some serious chemical imbalance in my brain. I thought I was doing college and uni afterwards just to /do/ something. Turns out I actually had a goal and intention, but I forgot it, and don't really have the drive right now to fully go after it. In all honesty, I do just want to stop existing.

[vicky-shitposts]

16th March 2021,

I did my interview yesterday, and honestly? It felt like the first time anybody has actually taken me seriously as a musician, and a trans one at that. Somebody actually wanted to hear about my music and how it relates to me being trans? That's totally whack. And the person doing it is way cooler, more androgynous, far more beautiful than me. But after they interviewed me, we sat talking about the most random things (from drugs abuse to aldi to profiteroles and shitty tv), and it just felt like we'd been friends for ages. It was the first time we had ever had a chat face to face, but I could have honestly say there talking to them for ages. Annabel, you're fucking incredible and I am so thankful you sat down with me for an hour <3 I've also been thinking about offering them an exclusive single of mine for their website, a little preview of my next album you can only get at the Gender Free Diet. It's 2 am when I'm sat writing this, so I'm going to email them at a more respectable time tomorrow and offer. It would be great if they said yes. But also, in the past three weeks I've had somebody actually buy my album and now somebody else has interviewed me. I feel like an actual proper musician. All I need is to play live and I will have scored the basic trio, but we all know that won't ever happen :( In other news, my oldest sister has started her job again. That means that every Tuesday I get to see my nieces again, today was the first day of that and it was so good to see them all again. The whole pronouns thing did get to me and by the end of the night I felt so fucking down, as per usual. But today I have my first counselling session under my college which I'm pretty excited for. I want to open up being like "hi, im mentally unstable! :D" but I probably won't because I'm far too awkward. I should also probably do some of my English homework but I've been far depressed to function. Hopefully my English teacher will understand and let it slide, but at the same time, she might not. Oh, I also totally forgot to say that me and a friend of mine have booked our first concert for next year, Feb 03rd at Cambridge Junction seeing Brendon Benson of The Raconteurs fame.

[vicky-shitposts]

15th March 2021,

You know, I have genuinely felt terrible today. I was going to brave it and go into college today, but my rhinitis got the best of me yesterday and left me feeling quite unsure as to if I was going to be well enough to. In the end I stayed in bed until just before 1 pm, meaning I slept through my first lesson and just ignored my second; this is the second Monday in a row I haven't been in class, virtually or physically. I truly felt like I hit a new low in my life today, and feel like I've just been slipping and slipping since we've been told to go back to college face to face. I didn't speak to any of my friends until about 7 pm, and even now I've only really properly spoken to two. I ignored my sister being over, I avoided eating until she had left purely because I didn't want to have to speak to anyone, I didn't brush my teeth for about 14 hours, and I just wanted to stay in bed and waste away. About two hours after I woke up I wanted to go back to sleep, and when I did decide to leave my room at last, I put a beanie on because I could not be fucked with my hair. I just didn't want to exist or be perceived at all today. I didn't want to speak to anybody or attend college in any way. Today I have felt nothing but mentally unwell and I have hated every second of it.

[vicky-shitposts]

12th March 2021,

So what's been happening? Beck saw my Instagram story. Fair enough it may have been his management or whatever, but let's say it wasn't. I tagged him in a story photo of my copy of his Blue Series single and he was one of the 28 people who saw it. Madness. Beck possibly knows I exist. A few days ago a friend of mine was kind enough to hear my entire album, and they're studying music at university so they must know their shit about music. The way I make music is so different to how people normally do, and because of this I thought it would be rendered unenjoyable and "not right". But she heard it and she liked it? The biggest compliments being to the bass, my vocals (a pure fucking miracle) and the piano. She said it sounds very 80s crossed with a John Carpenter soundtrack. Seeing as my music is inspired by horror film soundtracks and 80s new wave, i felt VERY fucking understood. It's got to have been one of my favourite feedbacks I have ever gotten for my music. Amelia messaged me last night saying that I seemed a lot more myself and happy, which was really sweet. I didn't even notice or detect a change in me but I think she might have been right. I did feel a whole load more upbeat yesterday at college, beside the fact that I was the only one with my camera on in sociology so almost the entire class was looking at a screen full of me. I feel sorry for the poor fuckers. My oldest sister has come to spend the day with us today, and I've started making a habit of wearing my pronouns badge so it's going to be interesting to see who adheres to it while she's here - probably nobody - but I have referred to myself as she once already and it isn't even 11 am. Of which I have a catch up history session at that time as I was absent on Monday, and then the Batman video game I ordered should be here soon (it didn't come today, big sad). I'm having major Gotham withdrawals already. Now I have time off from college I might try and go through some songs from my next album, see how much work needs to be done on vocals and such. Before I shelved it, I got to a point where it was almost done and ready for release, so fingers crossed that it won't take much to complete. I think all I really need to do is edit the vocals, try and add guitar to some songs, and record the opening song from scratch (didn't work on anything for reasons I will momentarily explain). Me and Billie have also been talking about fans of people we love pissing us off by complaining about the new material they've put out. Some fuckers can't ever be satisfied, can they? I love how I said literally a few days ago that I was going to start enforcing people using the correct pronouns for me, one way in which has been wearing my she/her/hers pronoun badge around the house. I had my sister over today to spend time with me, mum and her boyfriend. None of them adhered to the badge and quite honestly, it ruined my day. It really upset me to hear "he" and "him" being thrown around. By 3 pm I was in bed having a depression nap, and people have picked up on me not feeling so great because at least two people have asked me. Just call me by my fucking pronouns and I won't sit around with a face like a slapped arse!! It's literally in my fucking chest guys, please, just call me HER. In other news, I just got done watching Birds Of Prey at last and man, that film FLEW by. Normally when I watch a film for the first time I sit and kinda get bored or look on my phone every now and again but NOPE, didn't do any of that. I was sucked right in and seeing five strong, badass female characters of different ages and ethnicities was so inspiring. I really wish I could be like Harley Quinn. There was so much big pussy energy in that film, and seeing Ewan McGreggor in eyeliner was major eye candy. Just made me a little sad we didn't see as much Black Mask as I would have hoped, but when he put that mask on it clicked. That's fucking Obi Wan Kenobi and he's now officially in the DC universe. Absolutely amazing, inspiring stuff that I can only DREAM of being anything like.

[vicky-shitposts]

10th March 2021,

2.51 am and I just finished Gotham. In doing so, I have closed another chapter of my life, but simultaneously opened another. Maybe the reason I put off finishing it for so long was because I didn't want it to end, but now it has. But in the process of watching all these episodes, I have learnt a lot, and grown inspired too. There is no such thing as a truly good person, because even the best people do wrong things. Sometimes you have to do what you need to do, in order to get the right outcome. Even the Doctor has so much blood on her hands, and she is my childhood hero and the first person who I aspired to be. The album I just released was about fighting the darkness and the demon inside of you, but now I want to embrace it. I want to do good with the bad inside me because there is no such thing as a truly good person. What makes you good is how you decide to act on and use the darkness inside of you. I could have snapped a long time ago, but I continue to fight and live in hope. Through everything that is thrown my way and all the people I have lost. I keep on fighting, and one day I am going to see Victoria.

When I started this show, everything was perfect. I didn't know it then and I took it for granted. I would kill to relive those days but simply, I just can't. But now I want to start afresh. When I moved into this flat five years ago, I had my dad back then too. Last year I was told we might be moving but I didn't want it, and I wasn't ready for it. But now I think I am. I'm cutting all ties to my past to move into a new life to become and be the woman I am. When I think about moving, I see it as crawling out of my darkness and starting fresh with so much light. I want white walls and a dedicate space to create, to cut everything I own in half, to start all over again. By the end of next year I want to have moved my transition so far forward that the boy I was is literally dead and buried. I am surrounded with so many genuine friends who support me and are kind to me, while others aren't so kind or willing to "play by my rules". We only have one life and I am painfully aware of that, so it's time to start living it and making sure people play by my rules. I am not the boy they've known, but hopefully I will grow to become a woman they can love and accept. Not to sound melodramatic, but change starts here.

When I was young, I was often getting constantly compared to my brother. I would ask for some money to buy something, "you're just like your brother"; I ask to try some wine at the table when it's a family meal, "don't turn out like your brother". For years that used to bug me, being constantly compared to him. Maybe that's why I have chosen to do good with my life, and been inspired by innovators and people who promote love, respect and peace. I wonder if those are words even registered in my brothers mind. But I can finally say I am not and never will be like him. He isn't anywhere near academic enough to go back to education after the chaos he's battled through, and he isn't woman enough to have one breaking and growing from his heart. He is a man, and men are filth. He's also a killer that I never want to see again. Apart from myself, he's the only real person I have ever called a monster. Whereas I am growing to love myself, after all he has done and put me through, I will go to my grave calling him a monster. The world isn't safe until he is behind bars.

[vicky-shitposts]

8th March 2021,

Got a lot sorted in the way of creative projects yesterday; started binge watching Gotham from where I left off in series 4 the day before. It's been kind of bitter-sweet going back to Gotham, as I started watching it when I was 15. Back then I lived in Hundon, didn't know I was trans, my parents were still together and I still had my dad with me. I was living the best days of my life and I didn't even know it. But after starting it again, though I hardly remembered anything from before, it was like I never left. So many faces, people and characters I have missed so much and was so glad to see again: Selina, Nygma, Bullock, Victor. That's just to name a few. And today I go back to college for the first face to face lessons this year. I am so deathly scared to be going into that environment as it's going to be so strict, strange and uncomfortable. It will be nice to see everyone again however, plus I get to wear the new trousers I got recently and dress like the gay little dark academic I am for the first time.

Okay but I'm starting to get a little anxious. My breathing is weird, I'm over thinking almost everything and I'm not tired. If I had the ability to cry, I would probably be having a little moment right now.

"Stay safe" Phoebe said to me, and I am. Because not leaving your house in *current circumstances* counts as staying safe, right?? I promise I'm not staying home just to binge Gotham. It turns out that my "weird breathing and overthinking" was an anxiety attack, the first one I ever remember having, which was fun to say the least (sarcasm for anyone like me who's unable to read it). Had to message Zoe at half one this morning to vent to, but luckily the little angel was able to make me feel a little better. I was really terrified about being the only one on a Teams call in class, but I suppose that level of awkwardness would be a lot less severe than the awkwardness of point blank refusing a covid test in front of about 50 students and staff. Luckily I've been offered a catch up call later in the week as the connection is being bad and it's hectic on the first day back, which I can totally understand. I guess you can say things have worked out in my favour?? I just hope that I haven't let anyone down in the process.

I got back the grade of my last English essay too, and somehow managed to get a distinction for it?? Making that the first one I've got at college this far. And it's funny because my head was so cloudy and groggy when I wrote that essay, like I forced myself to do it because i had to and I thought it was absolutely garbage while I was writing it. I was pulling shit out my arse and thinking "this is going to be so shit". Strange how I can do my best while feeling my worst - hopefully I can reflect that in the music and videos I make too.

Another road trip to Halsted to get more boxes for mum and her boyfriend to repackage and label. I'm sat in the car reading more With Nails (at last), listening to Girl - Beck. Last year after I dyed my hair blue, I took a selfie with Georgia and captioned it "my cyanide girl". There's a lot of discourse in the Beck fandom as to whether he sings "my sun eyed girl" or "my cyanide girl" in the chorus. I chose to use the latter as the caption to our selfie because I loved this girl, but it was killing me and I knew it would end in nothing pretty. Just like taking a cyanide pill. A whole year on and now we're nothing but strangers. I'm still searching for my true sun eyed girl but I don't know if I will ever find her. When I'm home I finally get to call Eden for the first time in weeks. I've truly missed her, but I don't think she's my sun eyed girl. It really would be a miracle if ever she was real.

[vicky-shitposts]

7th March 2021,

a collection of thoughts: me and Skold have the same idea that love is a disease. i don't want to be a star, i want to be a voice. a crutch and support for people who are like me - depressed, trans, lonely. im sick of empty promises where people say they'll do something for or with me but that thing never materialises; or should i say im sick of people saying they'd do something with me, causing me to get excited and look forward to it, only to let me down at the last minute. whenever somebody makes a plan with me now, i always take it with a pinch of salt and eagerly await them to cancel on or just leave me. lately ive been thinking about how many people i have loved and lost, and if that's a reflection of me. what does it mean and say about me? when, in the past two years, i hsve lost so many friends and been led on so much. is it what i deserve? am i really a monster, or just really easy to use and abuse? but what i do know is that i plan to make my next album be way more darker, conceptual and personal.

[parkerluciani]

[extremelyunderkoalafied]

Rouxls Kaard: Come hither, worms

The worms jingled miserably across the floor

[vicky-shitposts]

4th March 2021,

world book day, spent reading Othello in a college zoom call and waiting to pay my way in pain. shopping in lockdown is proving anxiety inducing yet again, i hate having to go in tesco by myself. after hearing the new St Vincent song earlier - 15 minutes before my second college lesson - i was so distracted online in class. all i could think of was "Annie Annie Annie Annie" but i've pre-ordered the new album and spammed my private instagram with my afternoon. i have a lot of thoughts on it and the entire aesthetic so far, and in a few moments im going to sit down and write them all out as cohesively as possible. the new collab between The 1975, Charli XCX and No Rome was interesting to say the least. i jokingly put "what is this pop shit" on my instagram, but it is actually quite catchy; i just can't decipher who's who with the vocals and, what role Matty and George played, and the fact it's so short is upsetting. we should know by now that i hate short songs, no matter how catchy they might be. i also caught wind of somebody looking for LGBT creators so i'm going to give them an email and hope that they want to speak to/interview me. perfect timing as i just released my album and already released an LGBT centered single on literally the first day of the year. i have so much to say about my art but hardly anyone to listen to me. hopefully this will bring in some traffic my way.

damn. it's weird sitting and talking to the first girl you ever kissed, touched and fell in love with about her settling down and beginning a new phase of her romantic life. it just dawned on me that while she's talking to me about the next steps in her relationship, almost a decade ago it was me she was dating. except those two people aren't the two people we are today, and arguably we've both got closer, being more like two sisters. it means a lot she can come to me with such heavy and personal topics after our chaotic and jagged history. but in my heart and my soul, i don't feel a thing except excitement. this is true healing, moving on, and love that is no longer any kind of romance. i won't ever forget everything that happened between us - or rather that other iteration of us - but simultaneously i look forward to both of our futures. as soon as it's safe to do so, i have every intention to see her and give her the biggest hug.

not gunna lie to you, Spinning is actually really catchy and growing on me. plus Matty put a video on his ig of him vibing to it and it starts all sweet and cute, but it looks like he has an existential crisis lmfao - i also had a sit down and have planned my release schedule until the end of may, have emailed who i said i would, and have started thinking about the persona and aesthetic for my potential next album: milf mattin and the death of man, coming 2022 (maybe. hopefully. potentially). i also did my write up of the journey to St Vincent's new single, and hopefully it'll be on my friends blog sometime soon. fingers crossed!!

[vicky-shitposts]

2nd March 2021,

the first day of the rest of my life starts now. i forgot to say the other day that somebody was actually kind enough to buy my album, ACTUALLY PAID FOR MY ALBUM, and it was two years to the day after i met them for the first time ever. the world works in mysterious ways, but that's also the first time anyone has ever paid for an album of mine and im still in disbelief. they must have really low expectations for the shitshow they're about to hear!! but i hope they like it and don't regret paying actual money for it. college was great again yesterday, but thanks to my realisation of the day, i didn't do any work after we were let go early. i just wanted to live and breathe for the rest of the day and celebrate my life. today i woke up to news that the new St Vincent single is out this thursday; yesterday we found out The 1975 are doing a new song with No Rome and Charli XCX (as part of a rumoured supergroup) that's also coming out this thursday; then Skold has his new album out on friday.

[vicky-shitposts]

3/1/21.

you know, i don't speak to people. i just find media that represents how i feel and shove it in people's faces and hope they listen. but i have absolutely no idea if they do, if they realise what im trying to say, or even if they care at all. like with the My Breathing playlist i made, ain't nobody in the entire world gunna sit and listen to all or any of that; even if they heard just one song, they would only hear a tiny amount of what im trying to say as part of a bigger picture. there's a highlights story on my private instagram full of dark academia posts that is me trying to communicate how i feel with people, but i don't know if anyone understands or realise it's that what im trying to do. i fear that people just take these shared photos and my added sentences at face value, whereas in reality i'm trying to communicate with how i feel. like i've said previously, i find it difficult to tell people im close to how i'm truly feeling, but i can soon find a song or a story that has my feelings embedded within its walls. i demand for people to put in effort, read deeper, try to understand. but do people i speak to have the thought, care, time to do that??

but i think the biggest blow of all is today. it came to my attention what today is, 3121, and i realised something that i engrained in my mind all those years ago. and it's fucking terrifying. when i was a deeply depressed and suicidal 13 year old, i found this one Prince song - because Prince was my life and biggest inspiration back then - called 3121. i have always been dramatic and had a flair for that, but i thought to myself that by the end of 3121 i wanted to be dead. that had two options: Jan 3rd 2021 or March 1st 2021. today is March 1st 2021, and i was alerted to this halfway through a history lesson. back then i had absolutely no hope, desire or intention to be alive by the end of the day; today i am working on and building my future. i still have troubles with my mental health, and in some ways i think they've got wider or worse. but the difference between 13 year old me and 423 year old me of now and today is that i am trying. i am trying to make a future for myself and trying to be successful in getting somewhere i genuinely love and want to be. the only real thing driving me aside from music is hope, that in the future i will one day be in a brighter and stable place. and it's so scary to think that 8 years ago i wanted to be dead by the end of today, but now i want to wake up to see tomorrow.

thank god im home alone otherwise mum and her bf would have heard me having a near mental breakdown. but it feels good to cry. i haven't ever cried like i did just now. there were elements of pain, but also liberation; a little sadness but mostly happy. the Doctor says that "the name you choose is like a promise", and i chose the name Vicky, which means "to be victorious". i firmly believe that i chose this name as a promise to myself, to be victorious over the people who made me want to die and to be victorious over my own negative thoughts and behaviours. it feels like today has turned into a celebration of my own life and my own future. it's not going to be easy, it's going to be a war with so many different battles to get through to my own personal victory on the other end. but when i do, i will be Victoria. eight years ago i wanted to end my life tonight, but today i am only just starting to live it.

"keep your head up, golden girl / there's a place in this world for you and i, until the day we die" - Beck. that's from his song Dark Places, and when i listen to it, i say that he wrote that line for me with my golden hair. there's a place in this world for me and for Beck. and he's right.

[vicky-shitposts]

struggles of a trans girl

28 Feb 2021,

think ive fixed my sleeping pattern, managed to wake up two minutes before my alarm today. had some coffee and cashews for breakfast while watching more Outnumbered, but that proved difficult thanks to tech issues. i got through two episodes by the stroke of something on my side (for once). ive decided im gunna stop attaching photos to my daily "diary" posts, and not focus so much on giving them all titles. it's been fun to do so for almost a month straight and ive built up a good bank of photos thanks to it. im looking forward to next month though, im gunna have so much new music to write about: St Vincent, Rob Zombie, Emma Blackery, Gary Numan and hopefully Lorde too. might have to create a whole new chapter just dedicated to reviewing and talking about their new music, but we'll see how thinga go.

so many people have said so many things about me recently. i've been called pretty, queen, a sex icon, a creative genius and "the most fabulous depressed, vampiric, 150* year old, gaytastic, academic superstar there ever was". but it's funny because to me, most of what they say really are just things. it's gotten to that point where i don't like looking at myself again, and the only times ive taken photos of myself recently were for my album - even then they were all in black and white with barely any lighting and a lot of editing. it's really nice that a lot of people see me as a woman and forget im trans, but on the other hand, it makes all those "learn to love yourself" comments and ideas so much harder. how can i love myself when i look down or in a mirror and see a thing looking back at me, rather than the woman i feel i am inside?? it's not like i can go out, buy a cute set of underwear and take photos to empower myself or make myself feel more confident. that's not how it works with my body. recently i've been thinking a lot about how the weight of a guy is distributed differently to a girl, so my belly just goes out whereas a girl has so many different places for her fat to go. boobs, hips, bum whereas i just get more three dimensional; i hate it and it just makes me hate myself and look down on myself more.

spent 50p today on freeprints because i was offered 45 free photos this month and only had to pay postage, which was reduced by £1.50 which i really cannot complain about. i chose to print out photos of REG and some of myself, from the Inner Mechanisms album cover sessions. i wish i had a few fans so i could get a gold sharpie, sign them and send them out. imagine being a pin up on somebodies wall; imagine having somebody listen to your music to help them get through their life and struggles. that's why i make the music i do, often cited as "depressing". one girl told me she did used to listen to my music to help get her through, but i don't know if i truly believe her or not. i don't even believe people fully when they say they like a song that i've shown them, or when they say the song is good. i am riddled with so much doubt and disbelief.

THE BARD HATH ARRIVE!! my copy of othello is here, and the cover has a lot of yellow to it, so im thinking of wearing yellow in my next english class to color coordinate my outfit with the cover of my book. yes i really am that pretentious and over the top. managed to finish series 4 of Outnumbered now, but watching it has made me so broody and emotional. all i can really think of and about is having my own children and imagining what i would be like as a parent. plus seeing the photo of them all grown up on iplayer made me well up with tears - which is probably my attachment to fictional characters and families resurfacing - but they grow up so fast. mother also had her first covid vaccine shot today and so far she's all well and healthy. fingers crossed she doesn't get flu like symptoms.

we got a new shower head the other day, and when i was using it (innocently) i came to the conclusion that a woman's orgasm is only as good as her shower head - but then again, i don't have a vagina to make an accurate judgement. i did shave my legs however, and they feel so smooth; i am baby and i feel like baby. i can also tell i've watched too much Outnumbered because while i was making my dinner, my personality was basically a replica of Pete mixed with Ben but with a lot more bad language. i didn't expect to start picking up the personality of people from Outnumbered at all, but it does give me an excuse to watch Withnail & I again this month to get back in touch with my inner Withnail. last year i ordered a scarf and it's come in very handy because it's like the one Withnail wears in the film. i had so much fun last night annoying people with my quoting the film in snapchat videos again.

*i am in fact 423 years old, my friend who was saying it to me forgot my age.