March 23rd 2021,
Sigh. Yesterday was quite weird, and frankly, I think I started this written project a little too late. Scrollings on various social media platforms told me that yesterday, March 23rd, was the 1 year anniversary of the UK going into lockdown. I think it's quite stupid to say that where I am now is so different to where I was a year ago, because it's the same for all of us. I don't think a single person in this world hasn't been affected by the last year. We've been stuck in doors predominantly for almost a whole 365 days. There are shops in my local high street that have closed down permanently, the same high street I would often walk down weekly with my friends. Now I haven't spent time with a friend properly since December 9th, and even then there was a taboo to hug her.
I remember sitting with Ellie on the field opposite my house and forming the "locked down lasses" Facebook group chat with her, Georgia and Rachel a year ago; two of them are now not a part of our lives. Lockdown set in officially two days before my 20th birthday, just after I was finally experiencing the fabled British club scene. I spent New Years Day in a club for the first time with my three closest friends, and loved it so much I wanted to celebrate turning 20 the same way. After having a traumatic 18th birthday and a semi decent 19th, I said that my 20th would be the last chance at having a good and memorable birthday. Me and Ellie planned it, and were looking forward to drinking in another year for me until the Wuhan Flu took over and shut down the world. It feels rather selfish of me to be so upset over that, but I hope you can understand my point of view.
When lockdown one did start in Britain, we did not anticipate it to last this long. Quite frankly, it's bizarre that it has gone on for this long. By this point I know that I'm sick and tired of it all, and just wish I could spend time with my friends and hug them all again. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I could just spend time with at least one of them in person. While I may be that vampire bitch who wants to run away to a castle in the mountains, it's got to the point I just hate being cooped up at home. I think I'm just personally tired and exhausted by everything at this point. It's even got to the stage where I hardly talk to my "inner circle" of friends from fear of being repetitive, or just not having anything to say or energy to speak. Now we just live the same day all over and over and over again. It's getting boring, and I just want to be inoculated so I can see and squeeze my friends again.
I think the only real landmark thing that's happened in the last year is starting my college course in September. While I may have been in two minds about it recently, I blame lockdown exhaustion and general depression for that. There's obviously the fact that I lost a few friends who I miss dearly and think about all the time as well: Georgia, Megan, Rachel and Maddie. Thankfully I have my college class and Phoebe now, but it doesn't stop me from missing them at all - as you can probably tell from how much I write about them here. The amount of new films I have seen and shows I have binged watched is ungodly. Oh, and I somehow managed to record and release an album in two months and a day. Maybe that's my second biggest achievement from the last year behind starting college? And I'm back in the swing of counselling too, but I don't think that's going to last very long.
The world just seems so stagnant and personally, I am really struggling to get through. My thoughts and attitudes have really not been the best recently, and through the course of the past year they've done nothing but deteriorate more and more. I haven't tried to kill myself though, so I guess that's a silver lining? What I do know is that as soon as the world is safe again, I'm going to go to new places as much as I can. Most of the time by myself probably, but that's okay. I think if lockdown has taught me anything, it's that I'm destined to be alone. Standing in museums, drinking a latte, admiring the sky all by myself. But if somebody wants to prove me wrong then of course I'll let them. I just hope it doesn't end in disappointment or pain like the rest.











