the scratch pages: a scribbler's stash

my world of words--some mine, some borrowed

[vhkingsink]

How to Ask for Help

LESS THAN ONE WEEK--and LitMiH will officially be out! Here's your last sneak-peek: a poem written to be felt in the body when the spirit aches deeply and the mind stays frantic.

now I wake from this restless sleepinsides coiled tight, unable to breathe—anticipation and expectation stealing my peace. self-imposed standards shredthrough my stomach lining: acid and bilestifling my lungs. these days I bite my tongue to keep from grinding my teethbut it only leaves my jaw aching, rantinganxious pleas across a screen while second? guessing? does this sound? too much?…

[vhkingsink]

From 19 to Infinity

A few thoughts on the significance of January 19th--and yes, I did post this on January 19th at 1:19pm. "Late in the Midnight Hour" is officially out. I don't feel like celebrating, and that's okay.

On this day, two years ago, I had brain surgery. Some of the people who are most proud of me will say releasing Late in the Midnight Hour today is a triumph, proof of my enduring strength, evidence of overcoming tragedy. That take is a glossy cover-story, a highlight in someone else’s reel. It is a win for them, because it means their duty is done. I’m “fine” now. You’d have to blatantly…

[vhkingsink]

When All the World is Midnight

The best and worst things are forever, and nothing ever lasts. The brain tumor is gone, the damage remains, and I've started to think about my art and writing differently.

In late 2022, an MRI showed I had a brain tumor the size of a jumbo marshmallow smack in the middle of my head. The general consensus was that it had grown there slowly over the past decade—at least. Given certain diagnoses and symptoms I’d received and experienced over the years, this timeline made sense. There are still questions I doubt I’ll get answers to. Did my pituitary gland ever develop…

[vhkingsink]

every time this world tries to destroy me, i commit to finding a way to heal, rebuild, and recover my hope. you can't kill me that easily.

There are a million sayings about the things that were meant to kill you. Does it make you stronger or just stranger? Probably a bit of both

[vhkingsink]

I didn’t write LitMiH to promise things would be alright. I wrote it so I would stay alive. I wrote it to keep trying, even when I was afraid of failure and rejection and dismissal and erasure.

I wrote it as a prayer and a plea. I wrote it because the world is terrifying, and because I choose to believe life is still worth living until the very end.

[vhkingsink]

Choking On Permission

I’ve spent too much time starving myself into silence. Now that I’ve decided to open my mouth, what do I have to say?

Lately I've grown (more) strongly worded and (highly) unapologetic--kind of like LitMiH. I'm proud of myself, but I know I've only gotten to the (next) beginning of my journey. There will be much required of me, and I'm here to do the work.

[writing-for-life]

Dream (and the Helm!)—J Paul Schiek

[vhkingsink]

telling myself that LitMiH's release doesn't have to be perfect and BELIEVING that? absolutely powerful!!! giving myself room to grow is revolutionary--especially as a BlackDisabledQueer.

[NOTE: it shouldn't HAVE to be, but it is, and i will honor my worth even when society does not--because this too is prayer. ]

[imissthembutitwasntadisaster]

Alright tell me in the tags, what’s Your Poem? That poem you heard once and it has dwelt within you ever since?

[vhkingsink]

LOOK LOOK LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK

[insert all the heart eyes and exclamation points here]

this cover took SO MUCH WORK and I really had to wrestle with my perfectionism BUT YOU KNOW WHAT????? it's totally worth it and I'm proud of my work.

here's to learning along the way!

[vhkingsink]

A Place for Anger

The more I work on illustrations for my poetry compilation, the more I grapple with a whole mess of things I didn’t realize I’d been grievin

All of the illustrations for LitMiH were done with brush pens and alcohol markers. I liked the way the colors took on a life of their own, on Canson Marker Paper. Bold lines, visceral contrasts, beautiful layers.

Something about it was like a song to me. I started working on iterations of a few previous pieces, and although not all of them are the ones you'll find in the final manuscript, I learned a few things along the way about the emotional weight bursting from the page.

[vhkingsink]

In Other Words, A Prayer

After all the writing and revising, you mean I still have to name this thing? Usually that’s way too much pressure. I won’t say LitMiH came

How did I come up with LitMiH's title, you ask? A whole bunch of crying on the inside, along with a furious hope that I might do more than just survive.

[nevver]

Abandonment issues, Lana Sator

[vhkingsink]

have i been HIGHLY inactive on here for....a while?

guilty as charged, your honor.

am i coming back with SOME REALLY BIG NEWS????

absolutely!

my poetry + art collection comes out January 2025.

cover reveal coming WEDNESDAY!

[black-pterodactyl-bat]

I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS!!!!

writing is hard work and im really proud of you for sticking with it.

[elsewhereuniversity]

Do you think it would be possible to get the fair folk to take my ability to feel second hand embarrassment?

It does me no good, and honestly, making a deal with them to get rid of it would probably be the only way to get rid of an ability most humans have that I hate.

I don't think any would take that deal as phrased here, but like any clever trade ridding you of something undesirable, it's all about how you frame it. Channel your inner grifter, baby. You have to really sell it.

And make it watertight when you do seal the deal, because if the Gentry realize later they got the short end of the stick, they will cause you problems if you leave them even the slightest leeway by which to do so.

[acrosscenturiesandgenerations]

▪︎Perfume case, heart-shaped and engraved with foliate and faunal designs, with open-mark crown as handle.

Culture: Dutch

Date: 18th century

Medium: Silver, hinged and gilded

[superheroesincolor]

Every Body Looking (2020)

A Finalist for the National Book Award

When Ada leaves home for her freshman year at a Historically Black College, it’s the first time she’s ever been so far from her family—and the first time that she’s been able to make her own choices and to seek her place in this new world. As she stumbles deeper into the world of dance and explores her sexuality, she also begins to wrestle with her past—her mother’s struggle with addiction, her Nigerian father’s attempts to make a home for her. Ultimately, Ada discovers she needs to brush off the destiny others have chosen for her and claim full ownership of her body and her future.

“Candice Iloh’s beautifully crafted narrative about family, belonging, sexuality, and telling our deepest truths in order to be whole is at once immensely readable and ultimately healing.”—Jacqueline Woodson, New York Times Bestselling Author of Brown Girl Dreaming

“An essential—and emotionally gripping and masterfully written and compulsively readable—addition to the coming-of-age canon.”—Nic Stone, New York Times Bestselling Author of Dear Martin

“This is a story about the sometimes toxic and heavy expectations set onthe backs of first-generation children, the pressures woven into the familydynamic, culturally and socially. About childhood secrets with sharp teeth. And ultimately, about a liberation that taunts every young person.” —Jason Reynolds, New York Times Bestselling Author of Long Way Down

by Candice Iloh  (Author)

Get it  now here

Candice Iloh is a first generation Nigerian-American writer, teaching artist, and youth educator. She has performed her work around the country, most notably at Nuyorican Poets Café in New York City, the Women in Poetry & Hip Hop celebration at the Reginald F. Lewis Museum in Baltimore (where she performed as Nikki Giovanni), and as part of the Africa In Motion performing arts series at the National Museum of African Art in Washington, DC. She is a graduate of Howard University and holds an MFA in writing from Lesley University. Her work has earned fellowships from Lambda Literary and VONA among many others. This is her first novel.

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