The softness of his full name has Matt sighing, closing his eyes; he relaxes, tipping his face into Shiro’s touch. It feels good, but not in a charged way—feels tender, warm instead of hot, comfort instead of carnal. “Not sure any of us can say that anymore,” he says, not to ruin the mood or anything but because it’s true. Matt himself is different: taller, no glasses, lean muscle, long hair, a battle-won scar on his face and a knee that buckles if he overexerts himself. Something’s changed inside, too. Yes, he still has a scientist’s innate curiosity, but layered over it is a soldier’s conviction, and one has to be stronger for the other to survive. And the two of them haven’t had contact, much less seen each other, for over a deca-phoeb before now.
“I haven’t been the same, since—.” The sentence ends there. Shiro knows what he means. “I keep going to these far-flung star-forsaken pockets of the universe, trying to—I don’t know—undo what happened to me by helping somebody else. And it just makes me realize how much people need, just to survive, let alone thrive. How different people need different things, and how sometimes people can’t even describe what they need, they just know they don’t have it and they’re desperate for it. And they’re hurting, and I can’t fix it. All I can do is get them resources, and even that might not be enough.”
“Maybe not enough for you, but it has to be enough for them, because when one person’s resources are finite, they’ve done all they can,” Shiro says, tightening his arm just that little bit more, this time around Matt’s waist. He likes what Matt’s become, even if he’s rugged from years of exertion— he wishes he could change their circumstances, but he realizes he can’t undo the past, and he realizes Matt’s suffrage is only natural, given what’s happened to him— happened to them both. “I think we’re both looking for the same thing, just differently. And I think you’re not wrong for doing what you’re doing. You can still be bright-eyed and see the way the universe looks from a disjointed lens.”
Just like all the scars marring Shiro’s body, Matt has matching ones, and Matt even has a similar prosthetic— not built quite like Shiro’s, yet all the same just as robotic and foreign to his body, enough to cause persistent pain. Matt smells like machine fluid and dirt and sweat and aero fuel— he smells just like he remembers he’d smelled, back when they were cadets, laced with the stringent musk of space.
“People are going to be hurt and there’s going to be nothing you can do about it, Matt. That’s just how it is. I’m not saying you have to be okay with it, just that you should see it another way— you’re doing what you can, and that has to be enough for you, too, in the end. You’ve got to realize that our efforts aren’t in vain, even if we’re only giving a little. If we give all we have, we’ll have nothing left. And those people— I haven’t seen a single one ungrateful for your help. You’re doing good work out there.”