[Bites Jaxx]

Hi, I'm Lizzy! I'm 24yrs old and use She/They pronouns. I post chaotic things, most being Cyberpunk and BG3 related. I'm an 18+ blog so MDNI.♥︎

[vincentmatthews]

♡~OC Asks~♡

{Please specify which OC the question is targeted to, for people who may have more than one. Thank you and have fun💕}

{Safe questions}

🦋What is their favorite season?

☕️What is their favorite coffee/tea?

🍓What is their favorite fruit?

🍿Favorite show/movie?

🧁What's their dream date place?

🎀Do they have something they collect? {Stamps, rocks, stickers, etc}

🐾Do they have a pet? What are they, and what's their name?

🌿Do they like camping or road trips?

🍋Do you have a song that you associate with them?

🥞What breakfast dish instantly reminds them of home or being a kid?

🍕What's their guilty pleasure food?

🥝Do they have a food allergy or food they hate?

🍉What is their favorite summer food?

🎄Favorite holiday?

🎃What would their Halloween outfit be?

🎁What is something they keep like: a souvenir, a keepsake, or a family heirloom; that means a lot to them? Why is it so important to them?

🧸Do they have a stuffed animal or item they've kept from when they were a kid?

🍷What is their drink of choice? Both alcoholic and non-alcoholic?

🔪Say they were put in a classic 80s slasher/horror setting, who would they be? {Example: The killer. The dude who dies first. Etc.}

🍄Say it's their love interests' birthday, how would they celebrate it?

🎟Say they go to a fair/carnival, what fair treat would they get to eat, and what attraction would they like the most?

🌊What is a phobia of theirs?

🐁Do they find a creature cute, that normal people don't? Such as spiders, rats, snakes, sharks, etc?

🦴Have they ever broken a bone or had any sort of major injuries before? If so, what was their ailment?

🍰What is their favorite dessert?

♥️Favorite color?

🎈If they could travel anywhere, where would they go?

🌻Favorite flower?

🦝What do they smell like?

🍞What smell reminds them of home or better days?

🧿Do they have a superstition or belief? Such as "black cats bring bad luck", belief in ghosts, tarot, crystals, meditation, etc.

🥰Tell me about a time they'd get romantic with someone {keep it pg-13 please}

💫What do they wish on shooting stars? What is their one wish they want to come true?

🪴Free Space for your own question~♡

🔮Random Question chosen by the poster~♡

{Spicy Questions}

🌶Where have they almost been caught having sex? And what were they almost caught doing?

🩵Do they bite or leave hickies on their partner? And do they leave them where people can see it? Or do they hide them and press on the marks when they're in public?

🍇What is their sexuality? And what is their "type"?

🍼Do they have kids? Or are they willing to have any?

🍾What's the the kinkiest thing they've done while drunk at a party?

🍪What is their dirty name for their partner?

🥀Do they have a favorite position?

🧨If they could screw anyone without any consequences, who would they choose?

🎉Say it's their love interests' birthday, how would they celebrate it~?

🌽Have they ever done a dirty video before? Either alone, or with others? If so, has anyone ever "found" it?

🥑What are some of their random kinks/fetishes?

🥥How vocal are they, during sex?

🍐Say they wanted to look sexy for their partner, what sort of outfit would they wear?

🍑How did they react to having their "first time?" And was their partner understanding if they were nervous?

🥧Have they ever had a one-night stand when they were drunk?

🐹What "pet" names do they like being used for them? {Babe, Kitten, Puppy, Mutt, etc.}

🐺Tell me about their first time trying bondage~♡

🔥Do they get turned on by strange things, such as fire, chaos, blood, etc?

🧀Are people with piercings and tattoos a +1 on them being attracted to them?

🐧Do they have a safe word? What is it?

💉Have they done drugs before? Which ones? And are they addicted to anything?

🌹Tell me about a time they'd get romantic with someone {you can add the kink here}

💋Do they kiss first? And do they bite their lips if they're mischievous or aroused? And do they bite their partner's lips when they try and pull away?

🍀Free Space for your own question~♡

🎲Random Question chosen by the poster~♡

[vincentmatthews]

If you saw my last post, I'm so sorry. I was in the middle of writing something, and I didn't even have a chance to tag or add warnings. I meant to save it in drafts. It was one I didn't even know if I was going to post or not due to the content of it. Due to it being Jaxx. Unfortunately, sometimes when you hit save on my mobile app, it will post it, unless you double check that it's for save and not post, even though the button says "Save". It wasn't done, not even close. And again, wasn't really one I was sure if I was going to post or not.

[vincentmatthews]

Got one more year until my brain is fully developed, Baby 💕✨️🎉

[vincentmatthews]

Saving The Unsaveable

( @timaeusterrored for Venus mention :3)

~♡~

"Do you ever wish you could just.. I don't know.. End it all?" Dean slurred, giving Blue a goofy grin.

"You're drunk." Blue stated, not looking up from his hand modification he was tinkering with.

Dean laughed. "That's besides the point.. But doesn't your skin feel suffocating sometimes..? Like you just want to tear it off with your bare hands?"

Blue stared off, if he was being honest, he experienced that exact same feeling last week, while hyperventilating in the corner of his shop as a once-in-a-blue-moon panic attack had hit him like a fright train. It took him a solid 30 minutes to finally self-soothe himself back to reality. Dean wouldn't be able to understand him being vulnerable like that, let alone openly admitting to it. No. Dean was the sort of person who would make some smug ass remark and mention some stereotypical saying of "What? Haven't grown your balls yet?" Dean was young, he was naive, and way too trusting with strangers. It was a surprise he had even made it to the ripe age of 23 without someone killing him off, or worse; but here he was, as dysfunctional as ever.

"What are you talking about?" Blue raised a black eyebrow at him, his blue eyes staring at the highly intoxicated Dean. Dean's face turned slightly red, almost as dark as his fiery red hair. Either out of embarrassment or the warmth of the alcohol flushing his face, or both. Dean was the sort of person to fuck anything with legs.

"Don't tell me you haven't thought of it, Old Man~?" Dean hummed, eyeing Blue with his emerald green eyes. Blue just narrowed his eyes at him, not enthused with Dean's senseless flirting, along with the fact that he called him old.

"You'll have to be more specific. And don't call me an old man. I'm not that old." That was a lie. In all actuality, Blue was old enough to be Dean's great-grandfather. Which sometimes made them being intimate, sometimes freak Blue out when he got too far into his head. Dean just laughed, smiling up at Blue, laying his chin down on the table. It was small actions like this, that made Dean almost seem more like a puppy to him.

"About death.. Don't you wonder what's on the other side of this nightmare we call life? What if it's better? What if this is a sort of test for something greater?"

Blue sigh, setting down his tools. "Suicide? Really? That's where your head is?" Dean quickly sat up, nervously waving his hands in a dismissive manner.

"No not that at all! I was just thinking.. Like what if there is an afterlife?" Dean smiled at Blue nervously.

Alcohol always made Dean give that unsettling, nervous, goofy smile. Almost as if he was an alien pretending to be a human, who was held at gunpoint. The bad thing is, alcohol also made Dean overthink as well. Or if he was lucky, just get pent up, horny, and try and have anything that pays attention to him for more than 3 seconds. Unfortunately, this was not one of those nights, and Blue was starting to wish it was. Dean was easier to keep in line those nights, and Blue wasn't really in the mood to talk tonight.

Blue sighed before answering. "And what if this is our own personal hell? What if we're stuck in some form of purgatory?" He saw Dean's face light up at him feeding into his crazy thought process.

"If it is, then I'm glad I'm in eternal suffering with you~♡" Dean gave him that iconic and goofy smile, the type of smile that looked like he was held at gunpoint.

"You're drunk and are in no position to be flirting with me." Blue sighed, returning to cut a few wires on the hand modification.

Dean rolled his eyes. "You never told me what that was even for?" Dean stared at the hand mod, causing Nikkolas to sigh.

"I already told you once-"

"Well I wasn't listening then-"

"You never listen." Blue scoffed, setting the wire cutters down. "It's.. For Venus.."

"Ambrose?"

"Duh. Who the fuck else do you know named Venus?" Blue rolled his eyes, finally meeting Dean's emerald green eyes. Blue has to admit, despite him being a walking train wreck, he was gorgeous, in his own fucked up way. The freckles, the goofy awkward smile, the fiery red hair that matched his cocky personality, and those long eyelashes that he knew how to use to his advantage. Yep. Dean knew he was pretty, even though he'd never fully admit it, unless he was being a dick. And that laugh, that sound that was like someone who'd never laughed before, and tried doing it for the first time.

"I know a Venus Nova?"

Blue laughed. "Your plug doesn't count."

"No you said-"

"Hush." Blue rolled his eyes as Dean dramatically pouted.

"But why does Venus need a new hand? He has like 20 of them."

"Not one like this."

"What does this one vibrate~?"

"What? No! Gross! Shut up!" Blue's face heated up, causing Dean to laugh. "This one it.." Blue defensively held the hand mod closer as if trying to shield it from his view. "They'll be able to feel things.. Be able to have the sensation of touch, again.. And it'll feel real.. It'll feel.. Good.." Blue smiled sadly, causing Dean's eyes to widen slightly.

"I didn't know you cared so much.."

"What does that mean? I always care. If someone has a problem that I can fix, I try to help the best I can. That's the least I can do." Blue set the hand mod back down on the table. "Venus was saying their main problem is not having the sensation of touch anymore.. So I'm trying to fix that.."

"You're sweet, you know that.. It's a shock this city hasn't ripped your soul out, yet.." Dean yawned, laying down on his crossed arms on Blue's desk, his green eyes falling heavy. Dean didn't have to know that Blue's soul was shattered 57 years ago. Nikki found himself combing his hand through Dean's fiery hair.

"You need a shower.."

Dean laughed softly at Blue's comment.

"I'll get right on that, Boss." Dean closed his eyes, starting to drift off. Blue smiled, even drunk and drowsy, he was still a cocky kid who didn't fear death. Or maybe he feared death so much that he pretended it didn't phase him. Both broke Nikkolas' heart, he reminded him of someone he'd lost decades ago. Too much like him. That same innocent look, that goofy smile; but to be fair, anyone could remind Blue of the person he'd lost.

"You are hopeless, aren't you~? So young, and yet already on borrowed time.." Blue sighed, his fingers brushing over his neural port in an affectionate manner. The broken personality chip still lodged inside of the port, unable to be removed. Maybe this was Blue's curse, finding someone he loves and cares about, only to have them die.

Dean was doomed from the start, being born a twin. That's where it all went wrong. Saw his parents get murdered at 8. His sister got involved with the wrong person, she nearly got killed, and was barely able to get away. Then her ex kidnapped him for 8 months. And when he finally came back, he had that broken chip in his head. He never had a chance to have a loving family, a normal childhood, a warm place to come home to. Maybe that's why Blue loved him so much. Some part of him felt he could fix him, save him. That was his way, get involved, and save the unsaveable. Even if it ended the same way. With them dead, bleeding out in the shower, just 3 minutes too late.

Blue sighed, putting the head modification aside, along with his tools. He stood up from the stool, his arms on Dean's shoulders.

"Come on, let's get you to bed, Big Man~♡" Blue hummed, slowly moving Dean back, picking him and carrying him up the steel stairs to their shared bed in the loft. He laid him down, helping him strip down to his boxers and t-shirt.

"Blue..?" Dean mumbled out, smiled softly.

"Yes, Angel?"

Dean gave him a goofy grin. "Thanks."

"For what?" Blue raised an eyebrow at him. What he was doing wasn't anything new. Caring for him was Nikki's top priority.

"Thanks for not abandoning me.. Like the others.." Dean gave him a slight smile, causing his partner to blink at him.

Why did he thank me? Who left him? Who abandoned him? And what the fuck happened to him those 8 months? It's been a year now. Maybe he'll be ready to talk about it? No. What if asking him, scares him away again? What if it makes him run? I can't lose him sooner than I already am. Best to let him tell me in his own time. But those scars. Whatever it was, it had to have been hell.

"Of course. Just try and get some sleep, Honey."

Dean nodded, curling up in the bed under the covers, drifting off to sleep. Blue sat at the bed, sighing as he looked Dean over.

The best I can do is be loving and supportive. He'll tell me when he's ready. But I expected the same from.. And now he's dead. And it's all my fault. Maybe if I hold him tight, make sure he can't run when he gets bad, maybe then I can save him in some way. Save him, like I should've saved..

Blue sighed heavily, laying down. He rolled over in bed, holding Dean close.

Blue sighs, hiding his face in Dean's neck, savouring his warmth. It was the small things that gave Nikki comfort, proof that he was still alive. It wasn't long before Blue found himself drifting off to sleep as well, holding Dean like a lifeline.

[timaeusterrored]

Kinda love the idea of Kerry thinking Vincent being a nerd is the hottest thing ever and Vince is talking about some video game he’s into and Kerry is just like “FUCK HES HOT”

[vincentmatthews]

Kerry tweeting about Vincent:

[vincentmatthews]

Been thinking of clown coded Dean.

Dean with clown makeup on. Making balloon animals. Smelling like candy apples, cotton candy, caramel corn, and salt water taffy~♡ He'd make out with someone DumDum in a haunted fun house. He'd also be into knives, knife throwing, sword swallowing~♡ He'd thrive in a freakshow styled circus~♡

Also the thought of Dean making balloon animals and swords for little Gwen is so cute. 🥺

[vincentmatthews]

.

Read the tags...

[vincentmatthews]

I hope your abuser dies~♡

{Tw, mentions of: Death, S.A., Abuse, Blood, Gore, Grooming, and just general Trauma.}

~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

"Blue? Are you okay?"

His heart was thundering in his ears. His mind was racing like a bullet train about to be derailed. His anxiety made his lungs feel heavy and burn with each breath. All he could do was stare forward, ignoring the crimson blood that was splattered over his face, or he just didn't notice it was there.

"You still have blood on your face.. Blue?"

This wasn't the first time he'd seen a dead body. Let alone killing someone. There was something about this one. Something that felt different.

"Nikkolas?" That made Blue finally snap back to reality, his hands trembling as he still gripped the gun in his hand. Dean's emerald green eyes held a hint of worry to them. He reached out, cautiously taking the gun from Blue's hands. He set it aside, reaching out to lovingly caress his face. Blue leaned into his hand, breaking down into tears. "Nikki.. It's okay, I'm safe now. You made sure of that." Blue buried his face into Dean's chest, gripping onto him, crying hysterically. Dean sighed heavily, brushing Blue's hair out of his face.

After a few minutes of crying, Blue finally calmed himself. He sniffles before finally talking, his voice weak and broken.

"Who was he?" Blue looks up at Dean with teary eyes. Dean let's out a heavy sigh, petting the top of Blue's head.

"That was Damien.. He was the man who abused me.." Dean sighed softly, sitting down, looking down at the corpse, staring at the brain matter that was splayed across the floor.

"He was the man who groomed me when I was 16. Not too long after my parents were murdered, and around the time, my sister and I were separated. I was young, and naive; but most of all, vulnerable. He found me on the streets when I was homeless. He offered me a place to live. Clothes. Food. And all the attention I was starved for at a young age. All I had to do was stay by his side and do as he said. I didn't realize that meant him forcing himself on me. Taking Polaroids of me naked to carry around in his wallet for his own sick pleasure and for black mail. I didn't know that it meant sleeping with strange men that he told me to."

"You don't have to tell me this." Blue looked down at the corpse, feeling a cocktail of despair and rage bubble up in his chest. Dean hugged his knees to his chest, shaking his head.

"I need to. My therapist said it's best for me~." Dean teased, giving Blue a sad smile.

"That's not what I meant when I said that. I didn't mean you had to tell me." Blue looked at Dean who leaned against his shoulder.

"But anyways.. Maybe you have a point.." Dean sighed heavily before he continued. "He told me I shouldn't complain because he gave me everything I needed. Everything I wanted. And I just acted like everything was okay. But then he started getting violent. Started choking me until I lost consciousness. Drugging me and violently forcing himself on me. Along with cutting me, chaining me up like a dog. It got so bad that I started praying I'd die during the sex. I prayed that the orgasam being ripped from my body would be violent enough to make my heart burst. All I could do was lay there and cry.. Then, when I turned 18, he tied me up. Threw a bag over my head. Then, he tossed me out into the streets, naked." Dean teared up, his hands shaking as he gripped onto Blue's arm, taking another shaky breath.

"That was the day I met Danny. Danny found me. Cleaned me up. Gave me clothes and food. And didn't ask for anything in return. He didn't ask me about my past. Only that he offered me a job. One that he promised I'd do good at at Clouds. He paid for my upgrades and chipped me as a doll. He treated me good, for the most part. He beat up anyone who got too rough with me. He came in between clients, helping me clean up, and brought me food and drinks. He always made sure to do the aftercare because most clients didn't. But in all honesty, I think he just loved the sight of how broken I was, and how the promise of being fixed made me fall in love with him. Then you pretty much know the rest. Nearly got killed by one of my regulars, and never went back. Then I went and started doing mercenary work. Figured that I wanted a chance to make my own choices for myself, rather than have someone tell me what to do. And that's how I met you~♡ Picked up a job that needed help from a Nomad Techie, which happened to end up being the love of my life~♡" Dean hummed, leaning up to kiss Blue's neural port.

"I love you, Vincent~♡" Blue leaned into Dean's hand that was on his cheek, he sighed softly. "But what are we going to do about him?" Blue pointed at the man still laying dead in their living room.

"I'll call Vax, I'm pretty sure he can make him disappear~♡"

"I hope vinegar gets the stains off the carpet.." Blue sighed softly, making his partner laugh.

"If not, we can just tear it up~♡ I've always wanted hardwood floors any ways~♡"

[vincentmatthews]

.

[vincentmatthews]

Summer Rain

{Small trigger warnings: Mentions of blood and sickness, as well as language.}

I hope you enjoy this, I've worked on this for a few months now. Thank you 🥺💕

~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

Vincent sat outside on the cold, wet concrete steps. He was wearing Johnny's Samurai tank top, his bullet necklace, and a pair of Kerry's ripped black jeans. His green eyes watched the zippo lighter he kept flicking; entranced by the hot, dancing flame. He didn't move from his spot, unaware as the door behind him opened. The soft patter of rain falling on the cement road and sidewalks.

"Christ, V. How are you not fucking freezing?" A soft male voice spoke from behind him, placing his warm hand on V's bare and cold shoulder.

"I'm not."

"Mhm. That's bullshit." The flame went out as the lid was clicked back on it. His eyes flicked up to meet Kerry's worried grey-blue ones. He couldn't help but still be entranced by the gold ring around the iris of his optics. Kerry was wearing his tour hoodie that was a few sizes too big, his black synthleather jeans, and those damn goth boots V teased his about when they first met. Kerry of course said they were threatening because no one wants to be curbstomped by someone in platform goth boots.

"I'm not."

"V, you have goosebumps and you're shaking."

"I am?" V looked down at his trembling hands, ones he'd just passed off as being sick and weak. Yet there they were, trembling and goosebumps freckling his arms. He didn't feel cold, in fact, he didn't feel most sensations any more. His sense of touch was gradually diminishing, as was pain; and now his brain couldn't tell the difference between hot and cold. He just felt numb.

"Babe?" Ker knelt down next to V, his hand still on his shoulder. "How long has this been happening?"

"What?" V's fingers nervously fidgeting with the lighter again.

"Don't give me that shit." Kerry spoke in an authoritve voice that made V feel small, wanting to hide in on himself. Seeing this, Kerry took a deep breath and calmed himself. "How long have you noticed this change?"

V went quiet, looking at the lighter in his hand; it was a vintage black zippo lighter with a gold KE engraved on it.

"How long have you noticed that you can't feel the difference between hot and cold?" Vince stayed silent for a long moment before letting out a forced answer.

"It's new.." V continued looking down to avoid eye contact which worried Kerry on how long it's actually been. Could be days, week, hell even months for all he knew.

"New? What else have you noticed?"

"Nothing.."

"Any loss of motor functions such as: your legs or hands not working correctly, anymore?"

Yes.

"No." V lied, his fingers clicking the top of the lighter anxiously. He put the end of his bullet necklace in his mouth, the taste of the cold metallic metal tinged his tongue.

"Loss of depth perspection and/or balance?"

Oh god yes.

"No."

Liar.

Kerry sat down next to V, sitting cross-legged for the next question, which almost seemed to worry him.

"Any loss of your sensation of touch?" There it was. The question was like being stabbed in the back by someone you trusted. It was sharp and unexpected, and just the honest answer to it, made V feel tears prickle the corners of his vision. He felt his heart drop to his stomach, as if it was tied to a brick.

"No." That was a fucking lie. He'd been gradually losing his sense of touch for over two months now. It terrified him because there's a good chance it's completely irreversible.

"You know, I can tell when you're lying." Kerry's voice was still calm despite him having the burning desire to grab Vince and scream at him while they cried. Yet he had to remain composed for him. "You get quiet, give short answers, you get fidgety with whatever's in your hands, you refuse eye contact, and you always put the bottom of your necklace in your mouth."

Vince looked up with the end of the necklace still in his mouth. There was no point in trying to lie to him, Kerry knew him like the back of his hand. And he knew that if he kept it up, there's a good chance he's going meet his backhand. His lips parted enough for the necklace to fall from his lips around back on his chest.

"What are you so worried about?" Kerry placed his hand on V's thigh, looking up at him with those large blue doe eyes. Vince was quiet, snapping the lid of the zippo as he looked back down. The male sighed, looking down at V's fidgeting hands that were bruised all to hell.

Vincent's lungs felt heavy, each breath was agonizing. His throat burned with the desire to scream, to yell, do anything to get the point acrossed that just the idea of dying fucking terrified him. If he had it his way, he'd grow old with Kerry and never leave his side. But instead, he felt like he was suffocating, that he was drowning, unable to see the surface of the water; that no matter how far he went, he'd never reach the top. His fingers wouldn't stay still now, he couldn't feel anything, and now all he could think was how he was affecting Kerry, just by staying.

"Vince?"

He didn't want to hurt him, but he could tell just by looking at him, that he was affecting Kerry, and not in a very positive way. Then it dawned on him. He was Kerry's Alt.

"Vincent.?" His voice was more broken that time.

He was Kerry's Alt. He was dying slowly because of Arasaka, just like Alt. Ker even made a joke the other day that if V was to suddenly drop dead, that he'd bomb 'Saka tower, in his honor. Even go as far as sprinkling some of his ashes in the explosives used, so V could have one last big bang; while also tearing down an evil corporation. He even said he'd get a sexy golden arm in the same style of Johnny's. It was a joke that they both laughed off but now, it felt more like a promise. His hand holding the lighter trembled as another wave of shakes cascaded through him.

"Dean?" There it was, V's real name.

"Hm?" He hummed, his mind still a million miles away.

"An enny for your thoughts?" He smiled softly to V who tried his best to continue to avoid eye contact, remaining silent.

"Please, Dean. Give me something." Ker reached out, gingerly taking V's face in his hands. "At least look at me." Kerry's hands shook against his face. "Please." Guilt knawed away his heart, he knew without even looking, that Eurodyne was crying. "You know I love you." He sniffles, and yet V still couldn't bring himself to looking Kerry in the eyes. "I just hope you always remember that." He kissed his forehead, he could feel the moisture of tears on the male's face. He let his face go, standing up.

"I'll be inside if you need me." Was all that was said before the door opened and closed.

Vince sighed, leaning his head against the door. He closed his eyes, trying to clear his head. The sweet smell of rain mixed with the cool summer air. His mind kept wandering to how Kerry gripped his face. How his voice broke when he spoke his name. It made his stomach churn and his heart ache. He couldn't help but hysterically weep into his arms. He pulled his legs to his chest, crossed his arms over his knees and cried. He didn't tell him because he didn't want to be seen as a burden. Yet not telling him made Kerry feel like he didn't love or trust him enough to tell him. He wanted to tell his husband everything, but knew that it would kill him. Kerry still had his music career, his fans, his tours, his upcoming albums and collaborations. Something as small as this would just get in the way of Kerry's big plans for the future. One that V had to be as supportive as possible for; even knowing he'd probably not live long enough to see it through to the end. And just that alone was soul-crushing.

His heart rate picked up. He couldn't breathe. His mind was racing, he couldn't focus. His mouth got dry and he felt reality slipping from his grasp. He felt like he wasn't himself. His mind didn't register pain or other sensations. His head hurt so much, like it was being split open. His teeth hurt, and his jaw locked up from the stress which put pressure on his sensitive teeth. It felt like he'd gotten into a fist fight with Johnny Silverhand. His eyes prickled from the tears and next thing he knew, he was crying, hysterically.

After a good thirty minutes, he was able to calm his breathing and clear his head enough to stand up, wiping his tears away. His knees shook and tingled from falling asleep. His pins and needles legs dragged themselves inside. He exhaled a sigh of relief as warmth washed over him. The sort of warmth that seeped into your clothes, and relaxed your tense body.

Kerry was in the kitchen, his head down, washing the dishes. His hoodie carelessly tossed on the back of a chair, now wearing his white tank. He had the radio playing faintly that was playing Never Fade Away by Samurai. Eurodyne's blue optics illuminated a blue, turning the radio off, before they dimmed.

"Hey babe." He simply said not looking up. Vince hated this. Hated when Ker was upset with him. He hated hurting his husband like this. Hated how his face pouted when he was upset. He snaked his arms around Kerry's waist, leaning his head on the male's tattooed shoulder.

"I'm sorry.. I don't mean to upset you.." Vince sighed, watching Kerry scrub a plate with a shaky hand.

"You didn't upset me, Baby." Ker continued to refuse eye contact. Vince could tell by his reddened eyes that he'd been sobbing as well. Ker exhaled, heavily. "Just promise me you won't leave me. Just talk to me. That's all I ask." He finally looked at him, his face doing that puppy dog pout that instantly melted Vincent's heart. He could never say no to him when he did that face, especially with his large tear stained blue eyes.

"I promise.." Those words were heavy and hard for him to say. He knew it was a lie, Vince was a runner when things got too hard or scared him. His relationships never lasted more than a month, except for Kerry. Eurodyne was his longest relationship, going on almost three years now. But he was scared, and his instincts were kicking in.

"Thank you." His husband placed his forehead on his. "You can trust me. I won't hurt you. I just want to know what's going on with you. I love you Dean, but you're starting to scare me." Kerry kissed V's forehead lovingly. "Just promise me you won't leave in the middle of the night." Ker laughed, going back to cleaning his dishes, V released his arms from around him.

"Promise.." Another painful word that left his mouth.

"Good, because I'll hunt you down and kidnap you~♡ Keep you chained up as my prisoner~♡ And That's A Promise~♡" Ker pointed at Vince with a steak knife, smirking at him.

"Careful, I might fall in love~♡" He cooed back, which caused Ker to roll his eyes at him, and turn back around to continue washing. Eurodyne's optics flashed as the radio clicked back on, now playing a rock song that Vince didn't have any time in figuring out which one it was. He crept upstairs towards their room.

"What are you doing-?" A voice asked as he entered their bedroom. He instantly recognized the gruff voice, which resulted in Dean rolling his eyes.

"Classic fucking Johnny. Not knowing how he fucking impacts people. How fucking fitting of you to have your head so far up your ass, that you don't even realize that us just staying; is fucking killing him!"

"Stop being such a fucking pussy and tell him how you feel!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Vince screamed, angry tears rolling down his face. A light knock sounded on the doorframe. He turned his head to look, and saw a sad and concerned Ker standing in the doorway.

"May I come in?" His voice was soft and calm, even though years of worry wore on his face.

Vince took a breath, his mouth was dry. "Yeah." He hated this. Hated seeing his husband hurt like this. Hated how he always found a way to make him cry. Hated how he was always on borrowed time.

If he had it his way, he'd spend an eternity with Kerry. But 3 years, wasn't very long, and six months of those have already passed. Six months, and he'd already made a drastic decline in his progress. How was he supposed to hold through the next 30 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days?

Kerry snaked his arms around Dean's waist, pulling him close. Vince sighed, laying his head in the crook of Ker's neck.

"You scared me, screaming like that." Kerry's voice was calm, as he rubbed soothing, slow circles on V's back. "You know you can talk to me." That elected a heavy sigh from Vince. "Hey, I mean it. You can talk to me about anything, I'll understand." Ker gingerly cupped the male's face into his. Dean looked down, far too ashamed to make eye contact. "I mean it. And just don't do anything stupid. Talk to me, first. Promise me that?" There it was. The promise. The one thing he couldn't keep.

"I promise." He forced his scratchy voice to say. It came out more painful than as second nature as it used to be. Now those promises weighed more. He felt like he was being pulled underwater by them.

"Just get some rest. You're tired." Kerry hummed, running his hair through Vince's short red hair in a loving manner.

"Yeah.." His voice was soft and barely audible. His throat was locking up, tears prickling the edges of his vision.

"You'll be better after some rest." He leaned in, kissing V's neural port. "And you be nice to him. Cut him some slack. Kid's been through hell, let him rest for once." A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips, he knew that wasn't for him, but rather the brain parasite that pledged his mind. "Please try and rest. Or I'll have to knock your ass out." He laughed, and gave him a playful glare. Sure, Eurodyne was joking, but in a way, he was also serious.

After a kiss and an "I love you" he left the room to go do God knows what. Vince sat on the end of the bed, putting his head in his hands, leaning forward.

"You're fucking gonk."

"Shut up."

"This is going to fucking kill him."

"Shut UP! THIS ISN'T YOUR FUCKING CHOICE TO MAKE!" He sat up quick, putting his finger in Johnny's face, who stared at him wide eyed, his hologram wavered before the pixels shattered and glitched away. "YEAH, FUCKING RUN! JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO WHEN THINGS GET TOO FUCKING REAL FOR YOU!" He huffed, rubbing a hand over his face, his breath trembled, as did his hands.

He bent down, pulling a black suitcase, setting it on the bed. His hands examined the acrylic Samurai kerychain Ker gave him during one of the tours, even signed the back of it with a permanent marker. "For my favorite groupie." He said as he gave it to him.

"Really?" A pair of legs appeared hanging off the edge of the suitcase. Johnny was sitting on the top of it.

"Move." Dean growled, glaring daggers up at the male who scoffed, leaned back, and lit up a cigarette.

"Make me." He blew a cloud of smoke in V's face who sneered and waved a hand in front of him.

"Now." He pushed the square of Johnny's chest who fell back, but shattered as soon as his back hit the bed. "Fucking parasite.." He mumbled to himself, undoing the zipper, flipping the top open.

He looked around the room, wondering where to start. Then his green eyes caught sight of himself in the full body mirror. He looked ghostly pale, his face didn't even have the natural tint of blush. His eyes looked dark, and heavy. He slowly approached the mirror, lifting up the ends of his shirt. He'd lost weight, and not in a healthy manner. He knew Ker noticed, he even mentioned it briefly. Saying how he needed to eat more. Yet the idea of food made him nauseous, and most meals now ended with him hugging a toilet.

He dropped the ends of his shirt, the fabric that once fit him perfectly before, now looked a few sizes too big. Almost like his clothes were trying to eat him.

"You're ugly." V's voice broke as he spoke. He didn't know if it was Johnny speaking or himself; not like it really mattered anymore, they both knew he was. "Skinny. And looking half dead. Can you even feel anymore?" His mind wandered to the dark depths. He wondered if he could cut himself on glass and still feel the sting of a fresh wound.

"Do it." A voice whispered in his ear. "Do it you fucking pussy."

V rolled his eyes, turning back to the duffle bag. He opened the black hardwood closet. He pulled out his clothes off the hangers, he stuffed them inside the bag, followed by pants and boxers. Then he pulled out a shirt that Kerry had gotten him. It was a blue and pink ombre US Cracks shirt with Kerry's face on it.

"I remember when he got us this." Vince sighed softly as he looked the shirt over, tearing up at the memory.

"Remember when he insisted on signing it?" Johnny leaned against the wardrobe, watching as Dean folded it and placed it in the bag.

"Remember how mad he was when I told he didn't need to?"

"Yet he didn't listen, did he? Just had to sign it anyways." Johnny sighed, watching Dean continue to stuff clothes in the duffle. "You sure you wanna do this?"

"No, but what choice do I have?" He zipped the bag up.

"Oh I don't know-" Johnny held up his metal hand. "Tell Kerry wants going on, be open and honest, stop running from your problems, don't be a pussy, talk about it, get help, stay, sleep on it." He counted them out on his fingers, which made Dean glare at him. "You know, just to name a few."

"You're one to fucking speak. Mister my Girlfriend died so I killed thousands of innocent people as a form of revenge."

"Listen here, Mother Fucker-" Johnny got in V's face, pointing at him with his metal finger. Dean dead panned as he reached out and touched Johnny, causing him to blue screen and glitch out.

"Mhm.. and you're nothing more than a virus on a chip." He hissed at Johnny, throwing the duffle over his shoulder.

~

"Mhm. I just worry about him, you know? He's not eating as much as he used to-" Kerry was leaning over the cutting board, chopping away at a carrot. "And he's gotten more quiet. He stares off a lot. Yes I'm sure it's not stress. Stress doesn't effect V in this way. Stress makes him want to go street racing and street fighting. Not shut down completely." His optics were illuminating a blue, indicating that he was on call with someone, most likely Vik.

"No. No. No. He hasn't mentioned anything about the Relic or Johnny in a while, now." Kerry sighed, gliding a ringed hand through his salt and pepper hair. "What really scares me is he's losing his sense of touch." Kerry adjusted Dean's MISSIO t-shirt that he was borrowing from him. Classic Kerry, cooking in a t-shirt and boxers.

Maybe if he was silent, he could slip out the door, unseen.

"He's having violent nightmares again." He finished with the carrots and moved on to an onion. "What type? The type that leave him in a cold sweat. The type that make him wake up screaming then break down into tears. Those type of nightmares. Lord knows what they're about because he won't tell me anything about them. Everytime I ask, he fakes a smile and says he's fine." He sighed, lowering the knife, setting it on the cutting board. He leaned back, both hands on the counter, even from looking at Kerry's clothed back, he could tell he was tense about the whole ordeal.

"Yes, he's taking him pills regularly. Same with hydration and eating. Although the hydration part seems a bit harder than I'd like to admit." Kerry laughed softly. "I swear he's like a child sometimes. If it's not flavored, he doesn't want it. I mean who hates the taste of water?"

"Right. Sometimes I forget how drastic of an age gap we are. I swear sometimes he makes me feel my age." Another laugh came from Kerry. "I mean what sort of kid hasn't seen or at least heard of *Shrek*? Back in my day that was cinema gold." Another laugh.

Dean stood there, taking in the sweet sound of his laugh. One that he was fairly certain he'd never hear again, Kerry hasn't had much to laugh and smile about as of late. He'd even returned to drinking and smoking once V was in bed for the night. He tried to hide it all, not wanting to worry him, or prove that he couldn't handle it. Their once cheerful, sunny household, was now grey and full of tears. He'd seen how much this had aged Kerry, if not physically, than certainly emotionally. And the only thing going through V's mind is he was the cause of it all. This angelic laughter and half smiles was further proof that Kerry would be okay with out him. He could finally heal from this all. Even if it meant doing it alone.

It was starting to get dark outside, unfortunately the heavy rain showed no sign of letting up anytime soon. A deep rumble came from the sky.

"Ooo~♡ Thunder~♡ I wonder if we'll be lucky enough to see lightning~♡ What do you think V?!" Kerry called out, still having his back to him, returning to chopping a few more times before transferring the cutting board contents to the oiled pan. Dean kept silent, which elected a heavy sigh from Kerry.

"Yeah.. He's gotten into the habit of not answering. I don't know if he can't hear me or what. I have this fear of checking on him one day, and him being.. gone.." His voice got strained. "The other day I went to the store, to grab a few things. And when I'd come home, he was asleep on the couch with the TV on. I swore for a second, that he had died on me while I was gone. I didn't tell him of course-" He stirred the contents in the pan with a wooden spatula. "I mean what do I even say? 'Hey, you scared me today when you fell asleep'.? That would just make him force himself awake, and he has enough problems sleeping as it is." Kerry sighed. "And the last thing I need is to make him feel like a burden."

He had heard enough. V carried his bag to the door, opening it. He tried his best to close the door, silently, yet the latch made a soft click sound.

"What are you doing?" V nearly jumped out of his skin as the voice sounded behind him. One he'd grown far too comfortable with hearing, and one that had become more loud and prominent since he's been sick.

"You know what I'm doing." Dean huffed, carrying his bags to his motorcycle. Ignoring the fact that his clothes were being soaked by the cool rain.

"He's going to kill himself if he finds you gone. Or worse. He'll become me." V scoffed.

"You'd love that wouldn't you? Kerry self destructing so much that he becomes you. Proof that the only reason Kerry loves me is because I'm becoming you. Because that's how it is. Everything is about you. No wonders Alt fucking hated everything about you. Classic Johnny Silverhand, only caring about himself. I bet she didn't even try and fight it when they-" He didn't finish the sentence before a hard smack was delivered by a metal hand, he dropped the bags to the pavement road. He coughed, unable to breathe, he doubled over, his hands on his knees, trying to remain standing on his trembling legs. The warm copper taste filled his mouth, he kept letting out hard coughs, trying to clear his lungs enough to breathe. His hair was pulled, forcing him to stand up straight again.

"Don't talk about shit you know nothing about." Johnny hissed at him. Vince finally spat the blood on where Johnny's shoes would've been, if he was real. He took a shaky, pained breath; finally able to breathe.

"Fuck you." V let out a weak laugh, leaning over to grab his bags once more.

"You're fucking pathetic you know that? Running away from your problems, instead of dealing with them."

"Like you'd know anything about that? All you did is run when things get too real. You ran from Rogue. You ran from Kerry. You ran from Alt. You deserted during the war. You ran from everyone in your life! So you know what? Maybe this isn't me. Maybe it's You." Vince pushed past Johnny to get to his bike. He'd just secured his bag on the back as the door of the villa opened.

"What are you doing.?" Kerry's voice sounded distant, he had his black robe over his shoulders, and his ugly blue sandals. "Where are you going.?" He could hear how heavy those words were for Kerry to vocalize. He couldn't turn to look at him, just the thought of having to stare into those big blue doe eyes again, it would make him stay.

"I'm leaving, Ker."

"Please come inside, we can talk-" Kerry slowly approached the male.

"I don't want to come inside!" V raised his voice, resulting in Ker recoiling his hand from touching Vince. His throat tightened up, his lungs burned with the urge to scream, he tried his best to bottle it up, yet his eyes prickled with tears. "I'm afraid that if I come in.. I might not leave.. And I can't have that."

"Why not? Baby, please come inside. You're wet and cold. Lets at least dry you off. I'll make you some tea. Then we can discuss-"

"For the love of GOD!! WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!" V finally turned to Kerry. He was drenched, his big blue eyes were crying with the rain.

Kerry was taken aback by his tone, and that look of scorn on Dean's face.

Dean took a deep breath, his face softening. He didn't mean to raise his voice, let alone scream at him. He reached out to caress Kerry's face, but he pulled away before he could touch him. His lungs tightened, he'd never had Kerry pull away from him, let alone in fear.

"Ker.. I.." He sighed heavily, shaking his head. Dean picked up his bags, setting them on the back of his bike, using a bungee cord to secure them.

"Where are you going-?" Kerry sniffles, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

Dean went silent. Kerry reached out, placing his hand on V's arm.

"Please just come inside.. Let's talk about this please.." Kerry looked up at Dean with his big blue eyes.

Dean sighed heavily, pushing Kerry away. "No. I'm leaving Ker. I'm sorry." Kerry backed up, the tears surfacing in his eyes again.

"Please don't. Babe.. Come inside please.."

Dean avoided eye contact from Kerry, as he got on the motorcycle.

"No No No.. Please don't.. Please.."

V sighed, starting the motorcycle, putting on his helmet. His stomach twisted and a wave of nausea washed over him. Something about seeing Kerry, soaked and in tears made his eyes well up. He had to leave. Rather leave while he could still semi-function, than wait until he's too weak to walk.

"V, wait! Please! We can talk about this!" The blonde rocker cried out.

"I love you. And I'm sorry." And with that he finally left.

Kerry stood there, watching his bike disappear from sight. He was shaking from the cold rain that was pouring over him. He was crying so hard he was hyperventilating. His hands trembled as his optics illuminated a red, trying to call Dean, but the call was instantly dropped.

"Fuck.. No.. Please.." He tried again, gaining the same result. "Fuck no please, God-" Again, nothing. "Fuck-" He took a shaky breath, trying to calm his breathing and think for a moment. "I'll call Vik.. He'll know what to do.." Kerry combed a hand through his disheveled and wet hair.

-

V pulled over on the side of the road, at least 30 miles away from Kerry's Villa. He tossed off the helmet, throwing it to the ground. He couldn't breath, his lungs locked up, and seized. All he could do was cough. He spat up blood, finally able to take a pained breath; which came out more as a heavy wheeze. Gravity hit him and the whole world spun for moment.

He took an uneven gasp before he reluctantly picked up his helmet and got back on his bike. Heading towards the only cozy motel he knew, that was just on the outskirts of Night City; The Sunset Motel. The most peaceful place Dean knew of. It wasn't much, but it would do, up until his body finally gave out on him. And judging by the numbness in his fingertips, it wasn't very long from now.

He put back on his helmet, and headed off down the road. He hated how silent everything had became now. He hated how there was a gap between calls and texts from Kerry now.

How still the world felt. It was oddly comforting. How quiet everything became. It was something he hadn't felt in years; since he was a kid. To have everything just stop for a few seconds. To finally be able to breathe again. He could only hope that Kerry would somehow feel the same, after Dean had left this world. To be comforted by the silence once more.

[vincentmatthews]

If you haven't read this yet, please do, I'm so proud of it. 🥺

I worked so hard on it.

[vincentmatthews]

.

[timaeusterrored]

Smash or Pass: Vax Eurodyne

General info and Mood board!

Full name: Vax Atlas Kane Eurodyne

Height: 6’2

Age: 35

Sexuality: Queer, asexual

Features: cherry red hair, gray eyes, dark circles under his eyes, scar over his left eye, lips chewed bloody, typically looks beaten to hell and about 10 years older than he is bc stress

Pros:

Loyal to a fault

Fiercely protective

Loves parallel play, prefers working while his partner does

Pretty chill about most things

Great cuddler

Cons:

Workaholic

Anxious almost always

Forgets to turn off bodyguard mode

Disappears a lot on accident

Shuts down too often

Are we smashing or passing this loser?

Smash (pls fix your standards babe)

Pass (but he’s cuuute!)

Give him a blanket and green tea

Voting ended onAug 1, 2024

Pic cred: @wilxfyre and @togepies !!!

Tagged by: @theviridianbunny (ily!!!)

Tagging: @kharonion @wilxfyre @bubble-bones @moderndaycirce @vincentmatthews @glitchinginthegarden and whoever else wants to join!!!

[vincentmatthews]

Random things about Dean because he's on my mind.

~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

♡He's permanently chipped as a Doll. Which has lead to countless mistreatment and harassment on all levels. It does come in handy when he does undercover missions and needs to blend in to the background.

♡He worked as a Doll at Clouds for a bit. One night he ended up getting beaten by one of clients, which lead to his broken chip, they almost killed him in the process. He ended up quitting due to his injuries. His name that he used while working was Firefox, because of his firey red hair and his sly, cocky, and manipulative attitude.

♡Dean doesn't see himself as important. He'd just see himself as "Just some guy." Or "I'm just here." He's more likely to speak up for other people's mistreatment, than he is about his own.

♡Dean's able to pick up any skill rather easily, even though it takes him some time to learn it.

♡He doesn't know when to shut up. So most of the reason as to why he'd get into shit is because he didn't just shut the fuck up. And it doesn't help that he's overly confident and threatens to kick people's ass {even though he's 5ft 5in.}

♡Dean has a drum set in his basement that he plays all the time. He'd also pack a pair of drum sticks with him and on long road trips, he'd plug in to headphones and start beating away on the seat in front of him with the drumsticks, boping his head to the music. He did that when he was in middle school and high school, and never grew out of it. He was a menace to society, and still is.

♡Dean likes the mall, but there's something special about traveling and visiting a second hand store.🥺

♡Dean loves rivers and pools during summer. He'd go down at the river at 6am, and not leave until 7pm. He'd make sandwiches and barbecued hot dogs with chips. X3

♡He tans to a nice carmel during summer, but becomes a pale white during winter. 🥺

♡He's covered in freckles on his face, shoulders, arms, chest, and legs. They're mostly on his arms, shoulders, face, and chest, and more scattered on his legs. 🥺

♡Dean smells like cinnamon, cherry, and honey from a lotion that he's been wearing since he was a Doll.

♡Dean has glasses that he wears at night and in the morning, and contacts during the day.

♡He's got heterochromia, one left brown eye, and one green eye. He sometimes uses a colored contact so he has both green eyes {because he's embarrassed by it}.

[vincentmatthews]

Summer Rain

{Small trigger warnings: Mentions of blood and sickness, as well as language.}

I hope you enjoy this, I've worked on this for a few months now. Thank you 🥺💕

~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

Vincent sat outside on the cold, wet concrete steps. He was wearing Johnny's Samurai tank top, his bullet necklace, and a pair of Kerry's ripped black jeans. His green eyes watched the zippo lighter he kept flicking; entranced by the hot, dancing flame. He didn't move from his spot, unaware as the door behind him opened. The soft patter of rain falling on the cement road and sidewalks.

"Christ, V. How are you not fucking freezing?" A soft male voice spoke from behind him, placing his warm hand on V's bare and cold shoulder.

"I'm not."

"Mhm. That's bullshit." The flame went out as the lid was clicked back on it. His eyes flicked up to meet Kerry's worried grey-blue ones. He couldn't help but still be entranced by the gold ring around the iris of his optics. Kerry was wearing his tour hoodie that was a few sizes too big, his black synthleather jeans, and those damn goth boots V teased his about when they first met. Kerry of course said they were threatening because no one wants to be curbstomped by someone in platform goth boots.

"I'm not."

"V, you have goosebumps and you're shaking."

"I am?" V looked down at his trembling hands, ones he'd just passed off as being sick and weak. Yet there they were, trembling and goosebumps freckling his arms. He didn't feel cold, in fact, he didn't feel most sensations any more. His sense of touch was gradually diminishing, as was pain; and now his brain couldn't tell the difference between hot and cold. He just felt numb.

"Babe?" Ker knelt down next to V, his hand still on his shoulder. "How long has this been happening?"

"What?" V's fingers nervously fidgeting with the lighter again.

"Don't give me that shit." Kerry spoke in an authoritve voice that made V feel small, wanting to hide in on himself. Seeing this, Kerry took a deep breath and calmed himself. "How long have you noticed this change?"

V went quiet, looking at the lighter in his hand; it was a vintage black zippo lighter with a gold KE engraved on it.

"How long have you noticed that you can't feel the difference between hot and cold?" Vince stayed silent for a long moment before letting out a forced answer.

"It's new.." V continued looking down to avoid eye contact which worried Kerry on how long it's actually been. Could be days, week, hell even months for all he knew.

"New? What else have you noticed?"

"Nothing.."

"Any loss of motor functions such as: your legs or hands not working correctly, anymore?"

Yes.

"No." V lied, his fingers clicking the top of the lighter anxiously. He put the end of his bullet necklace in his mouth, the taste of the cold metallic metal tinged his tongue.

"Loss of depth perspection and/or balance?"

Oh god yes.

"No."

Liar.

Kerry sat down next to V, sitting cross-legged for the next question, which almost seemed to worry him.

"Any loss of your sensation of touch?" There it was. The question was like being stabbed in the back by someone you trusted. It was sharp and unexpected, and just the honest answer to it, made V feel tears prickle the corners of his vision. He felt his heart drop to his stomach, as if it was tied to a brick.

"No." That was a fucking lie. He'd been gradually losing his sense of touch for over two months now. It terrified him because there's a good chance it's completely irreversible.

"You know, I can tell when you're lying." Kerry's voice was still calm despite him having the burning desire to grab Vince and scream at him while they cried. Yet he had to remain composed for him. "You get quiet, give short answers, you get fidgety with whatever's in your hands, you refuse eye contact, and you always put the bottom of your necklace in your mouth."

Vince looked up with the end of the necklace still in his mouth. There was no point in trying to lie to him, Kerry knew him like the back of his hand. And he knew that if he kept it up, there's a good chance he's going meet his backhand. His lips parted enough for the necklace to fall from his lips around back on his chest.

"What are you so worried about?" Kerry placed his hand on V's thigh, looking up at him with those large blue doe eyes. Vince was quiet, snapping the lid of the zippo as he looked back down. The male sighed, looking down at V's fidgeting hands that were bruised all to hell.

Vincent's lungs felt heavy, each breath was agonizing. His throat burned with the desire to scream, to yell, do anything to get the point acrossed that just the idea of dying fucking terrified him. If he had it his way, he'd grow old with Kerry and never leave his side. But instead, he felt like he was suffocating, that he was drowning, unable to see the surface of the water; that no matter how far he went, he'd never reach the top. His fingers wouldn't stay still now, he couldn't feel anything, and now all he could think was how he was affecting Kerry, just by staying.

"Vince?"

He didn't want to hurt him, but he could tell just by looking at him, that he was affecting Kerry, and not in a very positive way. Then it dawned on him. He was Kerry's Alt.

"Vincent.?" His voice was more broken that time.

He was Kerry's Alt. He was dying slowly because of Arasaka, just like Alt. Ker even made a joke the other day that if V was to suddenly drop dead, that he'd bomb 'Saka tower, in his honor. Even go as far as sprinkling some of his ashes in the explosives used, so V could have one last big bang; while also tearing down an evil corporation. He even said he'd get a sexy golden arm in the same style of Johnny's. It was a joke that they both laughed off but now, it felt more like a promise. His hand holding the lighter trembled as another wave of shakes cascaded through him.

"Dean?" There it was, V's real name.

"Hm?" He hummed, his mind still a million miles away.

"An enny for your thoughts?" He smiled softly to V who tried his best to continue to avoid eye contact, remaining silent.

"Please, Dean. Give me something." Ker reached out, gingerly taking V's face in his hands. "At least look at me." Kerry's hands shook against his face. "Please." Guilt knawed away his heart, he knew without even looking, that Eurodyne was crying. "You know I love you." He sniffles, and yet V still couldn't bring himself to looking Kerry in the eyes. "I just hope you always remember that." He kissed his forehead, he could feel the moisture of tears on the male's face. He let his face go, standing up.

"I'll be inside if you need me." Was all that was said before the door opened and closed.

Vince sighed, leaning his head against the door. He closed his eyes, trying to clear his head. The sweet smell of rain mixed with the cool summer air. His mind kept wandering to how Kerry gripped his face. How his voice broke when he spoke his name. It made his stomach churn and his heart ache. He couldn't help but hysterically weep into his arms. He pulled his legs to his chest, crossed his arms over his knees and cried. He didn't tell him because he didn't want to be seen as a burden. Yet not telling him made Kerry feel like he didn't love or trust him enough to tell him. He wanted to tell his husband everything, but knew that it would kill him. Kerry still had his music career, his fans, his tours, his upcoming albums and collaborations. Something as small as this would just get in the way of Kerry's big plans for the future. One that V had to be as supportive as possible for; even knowing he'd probably not live long enough to see it through to the end. And just that alone was soul-crushing.

His heart rate picked up. He couldn't breathe. His mind was racing, he couldn't focus. His mouth got dry and he felt reality slipping from his grasp. He felt like he wasn't himself. His mind didn't register pain or other sensations. His head hurt so much, like it was being split open. His teeth hurt, and his jaw locked up from the stress which put pressure on his sensitive teeth. It felt like he'd gotten into a fist fight with Johnny Silverhand. His eyes prickled from the tears and next thing he knew, he was crying, hysterically.

After a good thirty minutes, he was able to calm his breathing and clear his head enough to stand up, wiping his tears away. His knees shook and tingled from falling asleep. His pins and needles legs dragged themselves inside. He exhaled a sigh of relief as warmth washed over him. The sort of warmth that seeped into your clothes, and relaxed your tense body.

Kerry was in the kitchen, his head down, washing the dishes. His hoodie carelessly tossed on the back of a chair, now wearing his white tank. He had the radio playing faintly that was playing Never Fade Away by Samurai. Eurodyne's blue optics illuminated a blue, turning the radio off, before they dimmed.

"Hey babe." He simply said not looking up. Vince hated this. Hated when Ker was upset with him. He hated hurting his husband like this. Hated how his face pouted when he was upset. He snaked his arms around Kerry's waist, leaning his head on the male's tattooed shoulder.

"I'm sorry.. I don't mean to upset you.." Vince sighed, watching Kerry scrub a plate with a shaky hand.

"You didn't upset me, Baby." Ker continued to refuse eye contact. Vince could tell by his reddened eyes that he'd been sobbing as well. Ker exhaled, heavily. "Just promise me you won't leave me. Just talk to me. That's all I ask." He finally looked at him, his face doing that puppy dog pout that instantly melted Vincent's heart. He could never say no to him when he did that face, especially with his large tear stained blue eyes.

"I promise.." Those words were heavy and hard for him to say. He knew it was a lie, Vince was a runner when things got too hard or scared him. His relationships never lasted more than a month, except for Kerry. Eurodyne was his longest relationship, going on almost three years now. But he was scared, and his instincts were kicking in.

"Thank you." His husband placed his forehead on his. "You can trust me. I won't hurt you. I just want to know what's going on with you. I love you Dean, but you're starting to scare me." Kerry kissed V's forehead lovingly. "Just promise me you won't leave in the middle of the night." Ker laughed, going back to cleaning his dishes, V released his arms from around him.

"Promise.." Another painful word that left his mouth.

"Good, because I'll hunt you down and kidnap you~♡ Keep you chained up as my prisoner~♡ And That's A Promise~♡" Ker pointed at Vince with a steak knife, smirking at him.

"Careful, I might fall in love~♡" He cooed back, which caused Ker to roll his eyes at him, and turn back around to continue washing. Eurodyne's optics flashed as the radio clicked back on, now playing a rock song that Vince didn't have any time in figuring out which one it was. He crept upstairs towards their room.

"What are you doing-?" A voice asked as he entered their bedroom. He instantly recognized the gruff voice, which resulted in Dean rolling his eyes.

"Classic fucking Johnny. Not knowing how he fucking impacts people. How fucking fitting of you to have your head so far up your ass, that you don't even realize that us just staying; is fucking killing him!"

"Stop being such a fucking pussy and tell him how you feel!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Vince screamed, angry tears rolling down his face. A light knock sounded on the doorframe. He turned his head to look, and saw a sad and concerned Ker standing in the doorway.

"May I come in?" His voice was soft and calm, even though years of worry wore on his face.

Vince took a breath, his mouth was dry. "Yeah." He hated this. Hated seeing his husband hurt like this. Hated how he always found a way to make him cry. Hated how he was always on borrowed time.

If he had it his way, he'd spend an eternity with Kerry. But 3 years, wasn't very long, and six months of those have already passed. Six months, and he'd already made a drastic decline in his progress. How was he supposed to hold through the next 30 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days?

Kerry snaked his arms around Dean's waist, pulling him close. Vince sighed, laying his head in the crook of Ker's neck.

"You scared me, screaming like that." Kerry's voice was calm, as he rubbed soothing, slow circles on V's back. "You know you can talk to me." That elected a heavy sigh from Vince. "Hey, I mean it. You can talk to me about anything, I'll understand." Ker gingerly cupped the male's face into his. Dean looked down, far too ashamed to make eye contact. "I mean it. And just don't do anything stupid. Talk to me, first. Promise me that?" There it was. The promise. The one thing he couldn't keep.

"I promise." He forced his scratchy voice to say. It came out more painful than as second nature as it used to be. Now those promises weighed more. He felt like he was being pulled underwater by them.

"Just get some rest. You're tired." Kerry hummed, running his hair through Vince's short red hair in a loving manner.

"Yeah.." His voice was soft and barely audible. His throat was locking up, tears prickling the edges of his vision.

"You'll be better after some rest." He leaned in, kissing V's neural port. "And you be nice to him. Cut him some slack. Kid's been through hell, let him rest for once." A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips, he knew that wasn't for him, but rather the brain parasite that pledged his mind. "Please try and rest. Or I'll have to knock your ass out." He laughed, and gave him a playful glare. Sure, Eurodyne was joking, but in a way, he was also serious.

After a kiss and an "I love you" he left the room to go do God knows what. Vince sat on the end of the bed, putting his head in his hands, leaning forward.

"You're fucking gonk."

"Shut up."

"This is going to fucking kill him."

"Shut UP! THIS ISN'T YOUR FUCKING CHOICE TO MAKE!" He sat up quick, putting his finger in Johnny's face, who stared at him wide eyed, his hologram wavered before the pixels shattered and glitched away. "YEAH, FUCKING RUN! JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO WHEN THINGS GET TOO FUCKING REAL FOR YOU!" He huffed, rubbing a hand over his face, his breath trembled, as did his hands.

He bent down, pulling a black suitcase, setting it on the bed. His hands examined the acrylic Samurai kerychain Ker gave him during one of the tours, even signed the back of it with a permanent marker. "For my favorite groupie." He said as he gave it to him.

"Really?" A pair of legs appeared hanging off the edge of the suitcase. Johnny was sitting on the top of it.

"Move." Dean growled, glaring daggers up at the male who scoffed, leaned back, and lit up a cigarette.

"Make me." He blew a cloud of smoke in V's face who sneered and waved a hand in front of him.

"Now." He pushed the square of Johnny's chest who fell back, but shattered as soon as his back hit the bed. "Fucking parasite.." He mumbled to himself, undoing the zipper, flipping the top open.

He looked around the room, wondering where to start. Then his green eyes caught sight of himself in the full body mirror. He looked ghostly pale, his face didn't even have the natural tint of blush. His eyes looked dark, and heavy. He slowly approached the mirror, lifting up the ends of his shirt. He'd lost weight, and not in a healthy manner. He knew Ker noticed, he even mentioned it briefly. Saying how he needed to eat more. Yet the idea of food made him nauseous, and most meals now ended with him hugging a toilet.

He dropped the ends of his shirt, the fabric that once fit him perfectly before, now looked a few sizes too big. Almost like his clothes were trying to eat him.

"You're ugly." V's voice broke as he spoke. He didn't know if it was Johnny speaking or himself; not like it really mattered anymore, they both knew he was. "Skinny. And looking half dead. Can you even feel anymore?" His mind wandered to the dark depths. He wondered if he could cut himself on glass and still feel the sting of a fresh wound.

"Do it." A voice whispered in his ear. "Do it you fucking pussy."

V rolled his eyes, turning back to the duffle bag. He opened the black hardwood closet. He pulled out his clothes off the hangers, he stuffed them inside the bag, followed by pants and boxers. Then he pulled out a shirt that Kerry had gotten him. It was a blue and pink ombre US Cracks shirt with Kerry's face on it.

"I remember when he got us this." Vince sighed softly as he looked the shirt over, tearing up at the memory.

"Remember when he insisted on signing it?" Johnny leaned against the wardrobe, watching as Dean folded it and placed it in the bag.

"Remember how mad he was when I told he didn't need to?"

"Yet he didn't listen, did he? Just had to sign it anyways." Johnny sighed, watching Dean continue to stuff clothes in the duffle. "You sure you wanna do this?"

"No, but what choice do I have?" He zipped the bag up.

"Oh I don't know-" Johnny held up his metal hand. "Tell Kerry wants going on, be open and honest, stop running from your problems, don't be a pussy, talk about it, get help, stay, sleep on it." He counted them out on his fingers, which made Dean glare at him. "You know, just to name a few."

"You're one to fucking speak. Mister my Girlfriend died so I killed thousands of innocent people as a form of revenge."

"Listen here, Mother Fucker-" Johnny got in V's face, pointing at him with his metal finger. Dean dead panned as he reached out and touched Johnny, causing him to blue screen and glitch out.

"Mhm.. and you're nothing more than a virus on a chip." He hissed at Johnny, throwing the duffle over his shoulder.

~

"Mhm. I just worry about him, you know? He's not eating as much as he used to-" Kerry was leaning over the cutting board, chopping away at a carrot. "And he's gotten more quiet. He stares off a lot. Yes I'm sure it's not stress. Stress doesn't effect V in this way. Stress makes him want to go street racing and street fighting. Not shut down completely." His optics were illuminating a blue, indicating that he was on call with someone, most likely Vik.

"No. No. No. He hasn't mentioned anything about the Relic or Johnny in a while, now." Kerry sighed, gliding a ringed hand through his salt and pepper hair. "What really scares me is he's losing his sense of touch." Kerry adjusted Dean's MISSIO t-shirt that he was borrowing from him. Classic Kerry, cooking in a t-shirt and boxers.

Maybe if he was silent, he could slip out the door, unseen.

"He's having violent nightmares again." He finished with the carrots and moved on to an onion. "What type? The type that leave him in a cold sweat. The type that make him wake up screaming then break down into tears. Those type of nightmares. Lord knows what they're about because he won't tell me anything about them. Everytime I ask, he fakes a smile and says he's fine." He sighed, lowering the knife, setting it on the cutting board. He leaned back, both hands on the counter, even from looking at Kerry's clothed back, he could tell he was tense about the whole ordeal.

"Yes, he's taking him pills regularly. Same with hydration and eating. Although the hydration part seems a bit harder than I'd like to admit." Kerry laughed softly. "I swear he's like a child sometimes. If it's not flavored, he doesn't want it. I mean who hates the taste of water?"

"Right. Sometimes I forget how drastic of an age gap we are. I swear sometimes he makes me feel my age." Another laugh came from Kerry. "I mean what sort of kid hasn't seen or at least heard of *Shrek*? Back in my day that was cinema gold." Another laugh.

Dean stood there, taking in the sweet sound of his laugh. One that he was fairly certain he'd never hear again, Kerry hasn't had much to laugh and smile about as of late. He'd even returned to drinking and smoking once V was in bed for the night. He tried to hide it all, not wanting to worry him, or prove that he couldn't handle it. Their once cheerful, sunny household, was now grey and full of tears. He'd seen how much this had aged Kerry, if not physically, than certainly emotionally. And the only thing going through V's mind is he was the cause of it all. This angelic laughter and half smiles was further proof that Kerry would be okay with out him. He could finally heal from this all. Even if it meant doing it alone.

It was starting to get dark outside, unfortunately the heavy rain showed no sign of letting up anytime soon. A deep rumble came from the sky.

"Ooo~♡ Thunder~♡ I wonder if we'll be lucky enough to see lightning~♡ What do you think V?!" Kerry called out, still having his back to him, returning to chopping a few more times before transferring the cutting board contents to the oiled pan. Dean kept silent, which elected a heavy sigh from Kerry.

"Yeah.. He's gotten into the habit of not answering. I don't know if he can't hear me or what. I have this fear of checking on him one day, and him being.. gone.." His voice got strained. "The other day I went to the store, to grab a few things. And when I'd come home, he was asleep on the couch with the TV on. I swore for a second, that he had died on me while I was gone. I didn't tell him of course-" He stirred the contents in the pan with a wooden spatula. "I mean what do I even say? 'Hey, you scared me today when you fell asleep'.? That would just make him force himself awake, and he has enough problems sleeping as it is." Kerry sighed. "And the last thing I need is to make him feel like a burden."

He had heard enough. V carried his bag to the door, opening it. He tried his best to close the door, silently, yet the latch made a soft click sound.

"What are you doing?" V nearly jumped out of his skin as the voice sounded behind him. One he'd grown far too comfortable with hearing, and one that had become more loud and prominent since he's been sick.

"You know what I'm doing." Dean huffed, carrying his bags to his motorcycle. Ignoring the fact that his clothes were being soaked by the cool rain.

"He's going to kill himself if he finds you gone. Or worse. He'll become me." V scoffed.

"You'd love that wouldn't you? Kerry self destructing so much that he becomes you. Proof that the only reason Kerry loves me is because I'm becoming you. Because that's how it is. Everything is about you. No wonders Alt fucking hated everything about you. Classic Johnny Silverhand, only caring about himself. I bet she didn't even try and fight it when they-" He didn't finish the sentence before a hard smack was delivered by a metal hand, he dropped the bags to the pavement road. He coughed, unable to breathe, he doubled over, his hands on his knees, trying to remain standing on his trembling legs. The warm copper taste filled his mouth, he kept letting out hard coughs, trying to clear his lungs enough to breathe. His hair was pulled, forcing him to stand up straight again.

"Don't talk about shit you know nothing about." Johnny hissed at him. Vince finally spat the blood on where Johnny's shoes would've been, if he was real. He took a shaky, pained breath; finally able to breathe.

"Fuck you." V let out a weak laugh, leaning over to grab his bags once more.

"You're fucking pathetic you know that? Running away from your problems, instead of dealing with them."

"Like you'd know anything about that? All you did is run when things get too real. You ran from Rogue. You ran from Kerry. You ran from Alt. You deserted during the war. You ran from everyone in your life! So you know what? Maybe this isn't me. Maybe it's You." Vince pushed past Johnny to get to his bike. He'd just secured his bag on the back as the door of the villa opened.

"What are you doing.?" Kerry's voice sounded distant, he had his black robe over his shoulders, and his ugly blue sandals. "Where are you going.?" He could hear how heavy those words were for Kerry to vocalize. He couldn't turn to look at him, just the thought of having to stare into those big blue doe eyes again, it would make him stay.

"I'm leaving, Ker."

"Please come inside, we can talk-" Kerry slowly approached the male.

"I don't want to come inside!" V raised his voice, resulting in Ker recoiling his hand from touching Vince. His throat tightened up, his lungs burned with the urge to scream, he tried his best to bottle it up, yet his eyes prickled with tears. "I'm afraid that if I come in.. I might not leave.. And I can't have that."

"Why not? Baby, please come inside. You're wet and cold. Lets at least dry you off. I'll make you some tea. Then we can discuss-"

"For the love of GOD!! WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!" V finally turned to Kerry. He was drenched, his big blue eyes were crying with the rain.

Kerry was taken aback by his tone, and that look of scorn on Dean's face.

Dean took a deep breath, his face softening. He didn't mean to raise his voice, let alone scream at him. He reached out to caress Kerry's face, but he pulled away before he could touch him. His lungs tightened, he'd never had Kerry pull away from him, let alone in fear.

"Ker.. I.." He sighed heavily, shaking his head. Dean picked up his bags, setting them on the back of his bike, using a bungee cord to secure them.

"Where are you going-?" Kerry sniffles, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

Dean went silent. Kerry reached out, placing his hand on V's arm.

"Please just come inside.. Let's talk about this please.." Kerry looked up at Dean with his big blue eyes.

Dean sighed heavily, pushing Kerry away. "No. I'm leaving Ker. I'm sorry." Kerry backed up, the tears surfacing in his eyes again.

"Please don't. Babe.. Come inside please.."

Dean avoided eye contact from Kerry, as he got on the motorcycle.

"No No No.. Please don't.. Please.."

V sighed, starting the motorcycle, putting on his helmet. His stomach twisted and a wave of nausea washed over him. Something about seeing Kerry, soaked and in tears made his eyes well up. He had to leave. Rather leave while he could still semi-function, than wait until he's too weak to walk.

"V, wait! Please! We can talk about this!" The blonde rocker cried out.

"I love you. And I'm sorry." And with that he finally left.

Kerry stood there, watching his bike disappear from sight. He was shaking from the cold rain that was pouring over him. He was crying so hard he was hyperventilating. His hands trembled as his optics illuminated a red, trying to call Dean, but the call was instantly dropped.

"Fuck.. No.. Please.." He tried again, gaining the same result. "Fuck no please, God-" Again, nothing. "Fuck-" He took a shaky breath, trying to calm his breathing and think for a moment. "I'll call Vik.. He'll know what to do.." Kerry combed a hand through his disheveled and wet hair.

-

V pulled over on the side of the road, at least 30 miles away from Kerry's Villa. He tossed off the helmet, throwing it to the ground. He couldn't breath, his lungs locked up, and seized. All he could do was cough. He spat up blood, finally able to take a pained breath; which came out more as a heavy wheeze. Gravity hit him and the whole world spun for moment.

He took an uneven gasp before he reluctantly picked up his helmet and got back on his bike. Heading towards the only cozy motel he knew, that was just on the outskirts of Night City; The Sunset Motel. The most peaceful place Dean knew of. It wasn't much, but it would do, up until his body finally gave out on him. And judging by the numbness in his fingertips, it wasn't very long from now.

He put back on his helmet, and headed off down the road. He hated how silent everything had became now. He hated how there was a gap between calls and texts from Kerry now.

How still the world felt. It was oddly comforting. How quiet everything became. It was something he hadn't felt in years; since he was a kid. To have everything just stop for a few seconds. To finally be able to breathe again. He could only hope that Kerry would somehow feel the same, after Dean had left this world. To be comforted by the silence once more.

[streetkid-named-desire]

[timaeusterrored]

(Really?)

((Inspired by @vincentmatthews saying Kerry introduced Vax to tea))

Kerry could see Vax shaking from where he was sitting. It the type of shaking you get after one too many cups of coffee, or in Vax’s case, the second energy drink he was slamming right now.

“I thought your therapist told you lay off those.”

“My therapist isn’t here, is she? Thought you were a rule breaker, Ker.”

He was. But not when it came to his husband’s health.

“Vax.”

“It’s fine.”

Kerry just sighed, eyes wandering back to Vax’s hands. They were gorgeous hands, decorated in chrome for the gorilla arms that caught fire at the worst times. Damn near burnt his dick off and that was the last time his hands were allowed down there until he got them fixed.

Ker would have to watch Vax slam caffeine like it was water for another week before he put an order in for their favorite lady. Misty hooked him up with some good teas to hopefully help, as well as warning that she had been trying to get Vax on tea for years.

But she didn’t have the power Kerry had.

He found Vax right where he wanted him, at the island, working away as always. Though Kerry couldn’t say a word, when he was in the zone, he was in it. But it also lead the perfect distraction.

Vax didn’t look up once while Kerry worked on the tea. V was aware enough that it was Kerry home, because no one could just get past the security V had put in. Only trusted members of the Eurodyne household could come in unannounced.

Kerry shut his husband’s laptop when he was done and placed the mug in front of him, making Vax finally look at him. The smile that graced his man’s face was worth every battle it took to get here. Vax had slightly leaned over the counter for a kiss, which Kerry would never deny him of.

“I got you somethin’.”

“I don’t do leaf water, love.” Vax hummed, looking down into the mug.

“Just try it. For me?” The sigh let Kerry know those were the magic words that always worked. “Even put some honey and lavender in it for you. You don’t need to be drinking enough caffeine to kill Adam Smasher with anxiety like yours.”

Vax glared at him. “I’m not a child.”

“Oh trust me, I know.”

“Drink the damn tea already.”

Vax huffed, looking down at the mug before taking a sip. It was simple green tea that Ker had made a bit more special for Vax to try.

Vax said nothing, just making direct eye contact as he took another drink. Then put the mug down.

“I hate you both.”

Kerry laughed, knowing he had won this one.

“Not too bad, is it?”

“Fuck you.” Vax opened his laptop again, taking another sip.

“I thought you didn’t like leaf water.” Ker teased.

“I could be so mean right now, but I’m not gonna. Because I’m a nice husband. Who doesn’t wanna sleep on the couch.”

“Realistically, how often do you sleep on the couch alone.” Never. Kerry doesn’t let him sleep alone.

“…fuck you.” Vax mumbled after a few moments of silence.

Kerry laughed and walked around the counter to give his man a proper kiss and a hug, and also to be nosy in what he was working on.

“…are you playing fucking solitaire?”

[streetkid-named-desire]