"What do Doms get out of D/s?"
A few days ago, I stumbled upon This Post by @amysubmits talking about what Doms get out of D/s dynamics, and it's been knocking around my head for a while. So I figured I'd give my perspective on the same issue.
The post stuck around in my head, i think, because it reminded me of a thought I once had talking to my sub: "It must be difficult talking about being a sub. The benefits of being a Dom are obvious, but i don't think most people would get being a sub." More or less the exact opposite of the framing of the ask and Amy's response.
Before i start talking about what benefits i get from being a Dom, though, a small disclaimer: I'm going to be using very absolute phrases like "always" or "anything" or "any time" a few times. You should always mentally add (as long as it is within the negotiated boundaries of the scene or dynamic) to that. I'm putting that here, up front, so i don't have to repeat myself a bunch of times. By that same token, the realities of life, mental health issues, or natural ups and downs in a relationship means that often, the D/s element might be limited, or occasional. Almost all of the benefits i mention, however, apply even if I'm only a Dom for a scene, or a day, or if the D/s element of a relationship takes a back burner to other things for a while. This isn't about 24/7 relationships, as much as it is about Domming in general, though i do write from the perspective of being in a long-term D/s relationship
So what do I get out of being a Dom?
I'm going to start with the obvious: I get to get what I want. I want to watch the new movie? That's what we do. I want lasagna for dinner? We get that. I want a massage, or a blowjob, or anal? I get that. Now, this is arguably a sort of petty benefit, but it's not nothing -shockingly, it's very pleasant and feels good to have your physical, aesthetic, and sexual needs met whenever you want! I think people underestimate that. I would be (and am) willing to pay a significant price (in effort, time, responsibility, etc. etc) for this, even without a D/s element.
Another somewhat "petty" obvious benefit is that, well, i get to have the power. That's pleasant for me, and i think for most people. Power fantasies are the most common type of media for a reason, and that's that it feels good to be powerful, to exercise power. The specific sexual nature of that 'feels good' might be a Dom thing, but I think that it's true for everyone that... power feels good. Even subs often post about the power of making someone writhe, or make someone happy, etc. Of course, I'm a Dom, of course i would think that power feels good for everyone, the way the asker on Amy's post found the benefits of giving up responsibility obvious.
These "petty" benefit comes with an additional benefit: peace of mind and predictability. I don't need to worry that my partner doesn't want lasagna today, or might prefer another movie for our date night, or whatever it might be. I don't need to deal with negotiating a compromise with someone else's needs (at least not in the usual way; I'm going to mention this a little more later, because obviously i do need to consider my sub's needs and compromise etc.). That security, that knowledge that the thing I want is what I'll get, is a pretty significant benefit. Speaking of...
Another related benefit is that I can be sure that my decision-making is okay, and helps my partner. I've been in a vanilla relationship where I functionally always made the decisions about what we were doing, what would happen during sex (though much less kinky sex), dinner, when we'd go grocery shopping etc. Often, my then-girlfriend wouldn't have an opinion, or just go along with whatever I suggested. But during that relationship, I often worried that i was doing something wrong; that i was somehow manipulative, or didn't let her express her desires, or that she didn't feel comfortable telling me if she disagreed, etc. Looking back, that's pretty clearly not the case, but that was how it felt at the time. But in my current relationship, those worries are gone. If we end up spending most of our time doing things i want, then that just means that I am doing the thing my partner explicitly wants me to do. Not needing to second-guess my own decisions and role in the relationship that way is a major benefit, as you can imagine. I don't know if this is just a me thing or if other Doms have the same experience, though.
This gets us into some related benefits, the more... interpersonal ones, the ones less about just what i want or need, and more about what being a Dom means in the relationship.
First, and perhaps most importantly, I get to make a strong positive impact on someone I love. I get to be a pillar for someone who needs it, to be proud when I help my sub through a hard time, or when I make a good time great. It's like giving someone a gift and being happy when they smile; it feels good to give someone what they need. Of course, I can't take responsibility for my sub's mental health, it's still their journey, and their victories. But i do get to point to some things - a rule that helps them, a time when my guidance supported them, a day of hot sexcapades - and think "This is somewhere I made things better for someone I love. This is something I have done with my power." (and there's that 'power feels good' thing again)
Second, being a Dom means that I am trusted, and loved and valued. My sub chooses to submit every day, and in that way tells me, every day, "I trust you. I know you will give me what I need. I value the ways you have used the power I gave you every day before this one." That's a powerful feeling; that's a deeply moving thing to be told through words, and an even more important thing to be told through action. At the same time, submission says "Your happiness is important to me. I am willing to work for your happiness, to put you above all other considerations, even if it is unpleasant or painful in the moment." That another powerful thing to say, and to hear, and a deeply important one. (As a note, this doesn't just go one way. I certainly hope that my dominance tells my sub that they are loved, and valued, and that I am willing to work for their joy and put them first.)
Getting into the deeper, more existential benefits, being a Dom also means that there's a part of my life where, no matter what, i have agency and control, a part of my life where, even if things are out of control everywhere else, I get to keep my order. To me, things that are out of my control, things that others plan for me, or where i can't choose to engage or not, are unpleasant at best, or anxiety-inducing at worst. Having a space where i am in control no matter what means that i always feel some measure of agency, which is extremely precious to me.
There other benefits, of course - a sense of purpose, of authentic living, a reason to better oneself and more. But there's one last thing i want to get into, and I think it might be something a little difficult for subs to understand: There is a degree to which responsibility can be a benefit.
This comes back to something i mentioned earlier, about how Doms of course don't always get whatever they want, and need to consider their subs' needs and wants.
However, Because I am responsible for the decisions, and for my sub (in some areas), whenever I prioritize my sub - when i decide we're watching her favorite movie (which, for the record, i hate) because they've had a bad day, or we're having her favorite dish even though i was looking forward to lasagna, or they ask me if we can watch a new show instead of what i had planned, or they clearly need soft sex even if I'm in the mood to fuck her raw and call her names - that becomes an expression of my agency, and an affirmation of my commitment to my sub. In another relationship, postponing my favorite movie for my girlfriend might be a small disappointment if i had been looking forward to it, but like a magic trick, responsibility changes that. How could i be disappointed in my own decision? Even if they explicitly ask for something, the fact that I could say no makes it an expression of my love and magnanimity when I agree. (as i almost always would, unless there was a pressing reason otherwise. What can i say, i spoil them.) Of course, it might still sting, or be annoying or frustrating, but to a much lesser degree.
The same thing goes for bigger questions. Relationship changes, new rules or structures, life choices - the fact that they are my responsibility makes them more pleasant. If there's difficulty or frustration, it's easier to bear since there's nothing else to blame. And by the same token, whatever good things result are more pleasant because they come from me, the way homecooked meals and homegrown veggies taste better because it's your work that's gone into them.
Anyway, I'm sure I've rambled long enough. If anyone ever reads to the end, I hope it's been insightful! I especially hope that this makes some sense to subs and gives you a stronger idea of what (might) make (some) Doms tick.
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