Viva

professional cat lover, part time poet insta: viveka.aaker

[viveka-aaker]

cant you just leave

your voice lingers in my head

like a scratched up cd

that you know by heart anyway

I lost your touch

like the waves of life

dragged me under and away

but it remains

under the silt and seaweed

you are a memory

that I see everywhere

in the passing cars

in my music

at the places I love

haunting me in every corner of my mind

[viveka-aaker]

summertime saddness

daffodils and depression

sickly sweet smells

stick to my skin

summer means

I'm free

summer means

I'm alone

clover crowns and crying

warm weather warning

wetness in the air

heat is oppressive

world is ending

summer means

I'm busy

summer means

I'm tired

[viveka-aaker]

half or whole

if the moon never had stars

would she still shine as bright

if I never learn your presence

will i still be whole

or is it like the myths

I am one half

of who I would be with you

would you complete me

or just help me shine

[viveka-aaker]

waiting room

when will my heart

not feel like a waiting room

constantly waiting

and waiting

for the next person

to love me and leave me

when will I finally learn

to love myself

before I love another

will I be whole then

or will I be just as broken

[viveka-aaker]

a lullaby, now a horror score

I saw you today

you didn't notice me

but by God

you look like a song

I used to know the lyrics of

I can hear the melody

hauntingly loud

ringing in my ears

I see the sheet music

written on your face

notes falling into your hands

I romanticize it

but I saw you today

and my hands shook

like I had taken

five shots of five hour energy

my ears started ringing

not with music

but your hate in them

I saw you today

and I cried

not because I miss you

but because I fear

you've ripped out a hole in me

that will never heal

[viveka-aaker]

shoot you up like heroin

I want to be friends

but I can't bring myself

to relapse into you

you were like a drug

the highs were so good

but you were so bad to me

you want us to be friends

are you sure

or do you want someone

who will take your punches

I miss you and me

best friends forever

but it was never equal

was it

you hurt me and i took it

I loved you and you used it

maybe I'm dumb to want it

maybe I'm addicted to you

but I don't want to lose us

[viveka-aaker]

the ebb and flow of my dreams

once upon a time

I wanted a house

to share a space with him

to share a bed with him

once upon a time

I wore rosey glasses

and thought I loved him

once upon a time

I wanted a forever

then reality hit

and my dreams crash landed

right now

I want a house

to be myself in

to wander the halls

dancing to music only I can hear

right now

I am aware

that a man could never be

what I need

right now

I am happier

than I have ever been

[viveka-aaker]

talking to you

talking to you

feels like hell yeah

tastes like freedom

I raise my fist in the air

and spin around

talking to you

feels like peace

sounds like coming home

I feel like ive know you

for a thousand years already

talking to you

feels like healing

sounds like crystals ringing

I am not afraid of this

not anymore

not with you

[viveka-aaker]

looking in a crowd for her

I want to fall for a stranger

not someone I know

falling for friends

just leaves me alone

I want to kiss someone new

someone who wants me

someone who treats me

like im worthwhile

I want to sleep with someone

safe next to them

not waiting for the other foot

not expecting disaster

I want to love a woman

who understands me

sees my past

and knows how to treat me

and love me

and not leave me

[viveka-aaker]

the ghost of my grief

is fading from view

I don't see you anymore

I don't feel you while I sleep

you don't talk in my ear

telling me that

you would love me more

if only I had been better

I dont miss your ghost

I don't miss

how you would talk to me

how you would make it my fault

how you would push and push

and it was my fault when I snapped

I no longer hold the weight

of grieving you

[viveka-aaker]

I need to get out of my head

beginnings linger in the breeze

waiting for me to open the door

take my chance

try them out

I look behind me at whats left

this terrible past of mine

do I dare?

am I brave enough?

I look out the window

I see foggy images

is it worth it?

to step out

not knowing what i'll get?

I look back once more

and then face the door

I want this

even if it isnt great

this is what I need

[viveka-aaker]

soft like a petal

my heart is healing

it may have scars

bumps and tears

but it is soft like a petal

it is a flower

that never fully wilts

people may pick me up

and then discard me

but I just find stronger roots

I am not weak

I will not give up

just because someone else did

my heart keeps beating

and I keep growing

[viveka-aaker]

goodbye

the ghost of my grief

is fading from view

I dont see you anymore

I dont feel you while I sleep

you dont talk in my ear

telling me that

you would love me more

if only I had been better

I dont miss your ghost

I dont miss

how you would talk to me

how you would make it my fault

how you would push and push

and it was my fault when I snapped

I no longer hold the weight

of grieving you

[viveka-aaker]

20 questions

whats your favorite color?

what do you like to do?

I want to like that too

what kind of shows do you like?

do you read?

do you have any good recs?

I want to know everything

what makes you feel alive?

do you cry during a happy ending?

will you hold my hand if I get scared

and do you like me?

I think i like you

[viveka-aaker]

cutting away whats left of you

I cut my bangs at midnight

theres a certain magic to it

doing it in the dark

with nobody watching

cut away strands you touched

cut away things i dont feel

I dont need ghosts in my head

I shave my side cuts in the day

let the light fall

on the fallen trimmings

they glow auburn in the sun

for good measure

I dye my hair at dusk

the hazy hour is only just

for hazy thoughts

I need a fresh look

to air out old things

to take the weight off my chest

you were never here anyways

[viveka-aaker]

forever fifteen

im stuck at fifteen

locked in his bedroom

trapped under him

begging

pleading

for him to let me go

get off me

I didn't want it

I trusted him

I loved him

now im haunted by him

forever feeling his hands

forever stuck in his room

forever fifteen

[viveka-aaker]

maybe you were the forest fire

I thought you were my sun

you lit me up

but reallyyou were burning my soul

tearing it up

and blackening it

now there is new life

love growing from the ashes

I am happier now

at peace with myself

there is no need for you

I don't miss how it felt

the burning from inside out

I just miss what I thought it was

the trust I had in you

but you lit that bridge up

and there is no future for you here