scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 5 (masterpost here)
Alfred: *walking down the staircase at 12am*
*front door bangs open, Tim storms inside and slams it shut behind him angrily*
Alfred, already wary: ...everything alright, Master Tim?
Tim, instant and angry: no, no it's not alright Alfred. i secretly snuck out to a party this evening to get drunk.
Alfred:
Alfred:
Alfred: well, you got the 'secretly' aspect down to a T. how much have you drank tonight? do i need to call your father or simply get you a glass of water?
Tim: i didn't get to drink anything, i had to leave instantly.
Alfred: ...and why's that?
Tim: because Damian was already fucking there.
Alfred:
Alfred: sorry, what? Master Damian went to bed two hours ago.
Tim, hissing: no he fucking didn't.
Alfred:
Tim, irate: i walk into this college party at some rich kid's house, right? everybody's smashed, people are taking edibles in the kitchen and i'm thinking 'great, an evening where i can finally let my hair down'.
Alfred: are you sure you wish to be telling me this-
Tim: -aND THEN. AND THEN I TURN THE FUCKING CORNER. AND DAMIAN FUCKING WAYNE IS STANDING BEHIND A TABLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACKED LIVING ROOM, HEADPHONES ON, AND HE'S FUCKING DJ-ING FOR THEM.
Alfred:
Alfred, genuinely baffled: Master Damian knows how to DJ?
Tim: EXACTLY. so i fucking-, obviously, my first thoughts are 1: how did this child know about this party, and 2: how did he get here. then i spot, fucking- Jason in the garden, bottle in hand, apparently living it up to make up for being dead for a significant part of his teenage era. so that answers those two questions,
Alfred: has Damian been drinking?!
Tim, desperate: i don't- i don't think so? i was panicking! i called Dick, because i was like 'clearly Jason's gone off the rails and i need to call in the next older brother in-line', and he picks up and i tell him *puts hand up to ear as gesture* 'Damian's at a fucking college party, help me'. and Dick goes 'woah is he ok? is he drunk or something?' and i go 'no he's just fucking DJ-ing, Jason's here too', and i shit you not Dick goes 'man, that kid is so much cooler than i was at his age. sound's like Jason's supervising; let him do his thing' aND THEN HE HANGS UP ON ME?! LIKE HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT UNACCEPTABLE FOR ANYBODY ELSE HE IS THIRTEEN.
Alfred: Master Tim, i understand you are worried, but i have to wonder what you thought coming back here would accomplish rather than calling your father?
Tim: oh yeah- that would go great. 'hey Tim, what's the problem?' 'i just saw Damian at a college party.' '...and what were you doing at a college party?' yeah, no, i ain't falling for that shit. i came back to get my Red Robin suit so i can crash the party in-mask and shut it down.
Sleepy voice from above them: ...what's going on here?
Alfred and Tim: *turn to Bruce, who is watching them from the upstairs banister, looking like he just woke up*
Bruce: why are you yelling on my one night off? what's happening?
Tim, vibrating from anger: yOUR SON IS RUINING MY TEENAGE REBELLION, THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.
Tim: *storms off in the direction of the batcave*
Bruce:
Alfred:
Bruce:
Bruce: Alf-
Alfred, blank: i know absolutely nothing about any of this and refuse to get involved. *turns and leaves*
Bruce: ...
