Blah
The A/C is currently out at my work so it’s hot as balls in here. I’m kind of blah today. I had a long day nannying yesterday for Memorial Day which was okay I guess. I usually only watch the kids from 6:30am-7:30am and 5pm-8:30pm so it’s really not that long. But I had them from 8am-7am the next day and if I say it once I’ve said it 100 times- the best birth control is being around kids 24/7.
I’m in this weird position where I’m really frustrated at people I used to consider my best friend and I honestly don’t know how to deal with these emotions.
A) My oldest friend in the whole world, R, has been... I mean I don’t want to say ‘the worst’ (how cliche). But seriously, the worst. We had this like magically fun perfect summer when we first became best friends at 16 years old in 2005. We had ups and downs but for the most part were continuously close. Well wait. Not really. We both got other ‘best friends’ and so really every year 1/2 of it we’re best friends and the other 1/2 we aren’t speaking. It all really came to a head when in 2011 I started dating Z, and she didn’t like how much time I was spending with him. I mean, common complaint of best friends “all you do it hang out with your boyfriend”. Every girl does it- it’s part of life. But the thing about R is that she would make SUCH a scene about it. Novel long text messages about how I’m the worst because the time I would give her (calling her before/after work, giving her whole days out of the week to spend time with her) wasn’t good enough. Eventually I got mad and was just like ‘Fuck You’. Well when I had found out I was pregnant I had told her and she all of a sudden made a huge effort to talk to me. When I told her I had a blighted ovum and a miscarriage she really didn’t seem to mind. Like “Oh, that sucks”. Which, fine- you don’t need to really care. What is interesting to note is that she does this thing- that’s not lying- but actually it is. She has told me almost everything about her (at least from lets say 2013 and prior) but even stuff recently she’s been able to tell me. Then a few weeks later when she doesn’t feel as close to me she glosses over or straight up denies things. Example that makes sense: She likes to keep this ‘virgin’ image to herself (don’t get it because we’re 27 fucking years old but okay). She was doing stuff with this guy, (not sex [not that it FUCKING MATTERS]) and told me that it was great and she liked him but knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. They ended things because it just wasn’t serious and he was a total tool. A few weeks later she makes a comment “Yeah I ended things with -guy- but I never even did anything with him more than kiss so whatever”. ...Bitch what? Did you FORGET you told me? UGH and that’s one example out of 100. Also, she’s been dating this new guy who lives out of town and is way ‘below’ her level. She has never dated a guy for his ‘personality’- and I can say all her boyfriends have been very attractive. I’m glad she finally went for someone she has a connection with and isn’t so based on looks. However. Her and this boy, C, are OBSESSED with each other- to the point where she doesn’t even respond to me. So it pisses me off how 80% of our fights are ‘sarah, you hang out with your boyfriend too much’, then this is what she does. Then after I make a few comments “oh hows it going//no response//how was your weekend//no response” I just give up and get pissed. Then a few days later she’ll respond “oh i’m so busy, helping C move, flew out there, taking a class, sorry busy” but never make an effort to talk to me first. It makes me so fucking mad. So by the time she actually talks to me- I’m pissy and just fucking over it. Now instinct is to say just tell her your frustrated. Nope- literally not possible. I’ll say “this is why I was mad” and her response will be a long thing of why I actually suck more than her, or she won’t respond. And its hard to hear someone you considered so close to you for so long, talk about other people as their best friend and not want to call you first when something happens which leads me into ....
B) My most recent best friend, an avid tumblr user, ,and I have not been best friends since ‘technically’ October of 2015. I’d say more realistically July of 2015. She left for the entire summer (med school travel to india thing, then a few months in europe with her mom) and I only got to talk to her maybe 8-10 times in the 3.5 months she was gone. When she came back at the end of August I saw her the day she got back, then I didn’t see her until October and that was it. We started being friends in November of 2013- we worked at the same place and we hated the same people and I made a big reach to be her friend. She was kind of socially bizarre at times but I thought it was endearing and we just really clicked. She was there with me through the whole year of 2014 N and Z drama and work drama and just everything. She was my rock and I really think I was hers. I really really valued her as my “best friend” and was so happy to have someone who reached out to me to hang out and wanted to talk about everything and it was just so great. When I started dating T (and attempting to end things with Z) we got a little not as close but she was in Med School and honestly that is a fuck ton of work and I understood. Eventually our friendship turned into a lot of me asking how her life was going, her telling me, and not asking me about mine. And by the time she realized I wanted her to ask about me- all I wanted to do was vent about the 2 weeks prior and everything I hadn’t talked to her about. Thus she always thought I was just complaining, and I always thought she wanted to talk about herself. We never even had fights... just one kind of where she hung out with people who didn’t like me, and I expressed distain over it and she said she wouldn't do it again because she didn’t want to make me upset over people that she didn’t even like anyway. SO, October comes, I get into a really bad car accident and total my car. She comes and takes me back to my apartment because I couldn’t get a hold of anyone. She never really checked back in with me to see how I was doing, ect. This really pissed me off. So, one day after asking how she was, she responded, and I said “no i’m good thanks for asking’ and she gave me a snarky response back (kind of unlike her). So I unleashed a whole novel of basically everything I said up there (why i was upset) and I made sure to say it in a, I wanted everything to go back to normal kind of way. What she responded back to me was nothing of the sort. Very accusatory, attacking, imo low blows, and it threw me so off guard I just didn’t say anything to her. I tried talking to her in January and she never texted me back. I tried again a week after her birthday in April and she did respond, but because she got a new phone and never saved my number. So we have been talking (almost) every day via text and phone memos and it’s been really great. However I feel like she has made it clear that her and her bf are so in love and that her other closest friend has now upgraded to her ‘best friend’. To be honest, I’m jealous- because I feel like just because we didn’t talk for 5 months you through 2 years of best friendship away? Like I just feel like she doesn’t really care. And it’s hard.
You can’t make someone be your friend. And one sided friendships are the worst. Like do I care too much? I always text people first and try and be there and I’ve valued myself as someone who would do anything for my closest friends. But it hurts when I see people that I still would be there for and do things for, talk about how great their other bestie is or how now they are the ones obsessed with their boyfriends now that they actually have them. It makes me mad, and I am still left best-friend-less and emo as fuck about it. Of course I consider Ty to be my boyfriend/bestfriend combo like most girls do but I mean like your best friend that you’re not sexual with kind of friend. I just miss having that connection with someone and wanting to tell them everything and just overall.. Meh.
